Need HELP! - Mogadore,OH

Oh my goodness, I didn't know anyone else felt that way! I understand exactly what you are going through. Yes, you should tell your husband. It makes you feel a lot better. And yes, he will worry, but that is what he is there for. I just wouldn't discuss it around your kids. If you ever need any help with anything, babysitting, cleaning, a break at the coffee shop, please let me know. And also you need to know that these feelings won't last forever, and it does help a ton to get back to work.

J., I completely understand where you are coming from. Don't beat yourself up over it. I think it's a normal reaction to your situation. I had a premature baby almost 2 years ago, and our oldest son was 5½ yrs. old at the time. Our preemie only had to spend 16 days in the NICU, but once we got home, life was turned upside down. While in the NICU, my husband and our family's had moved us into our first house, so life was chaotic, living out of boxes, trying to get our oldest back and forth to preschool in another city, 20 minutes away, after having no sleep the night before from being up with the preemie all night while he nursed and had severe bouts of acid reflux.
Our oldest missed quite a few days, the last couple of months of his preschool days, and I completely regret it, but there was not much I could do about the situation.
I was completely exhausted and many days I would tell him to make his own bowl of cereal or sandwich. I taught him how to do these things, so that it could free me up a little bit. Some people told me I was being unreasonable for a 5 yr. old to make his own sandwich. I don't think I was, given the circumstances. My preemie nursed every 2 hours, for almost an hour each and every time, for months on end. I felt guilty because I didn't play with my oldest as often, or read books to him as much as I had done previously. But you know what, it ended up being a temporary thing and eventually, we got back into our normal routines, and he's fine. We did ask family to kinda help pick up our slack by taking him for weekends and for play times, etc. so that he COULD get some one-on-time with other family members, at least. So if your kids have grandparents, aunts/uncles close by, I'd ask them to pitch in and take the older ones for a little while. Even if just to McDonald's play land for a couple of hours one afternoon. Also help include them in the care for the baby. Ask them for help during changings and feedings (I don't know if you're nursing).
And I'd also speak to your doctor about these feelings. You may need to be treated for PPD a little while, just to get you over the hump. I wish you much luck! Just hang in there!

I second Amy - ask your doctor about respite care. if s/he doesn't know, try your county board of health. my mom does respite care for a family with an adult son who is severely mr/dd, the family has become extended family to my mom. there are some wonderful people out there just waiting for you to admit you're not superwoman, you're human, and you're in a situation that would overwhelm a legion of superheroes. reaching out for help is the best example you can set for your older children, for them to see that caring and support are reciprocal not one way with mom doing all the caring for everyone even if she feels like she's about to break in half.

i know nothing about the area you are in... not sure if it's rural or suburb or what. do you have neighbors nearby? i'm in an iner-ring suburb of cleveland so only a driveway separates me from my neighbors, and the couple on one side loves letting my toddler play w/their dog. both the kid and dog love it too, and it lets my 3yo run out some energy when i'm totally wiped out from caring for the baby (i'm the special needs one in our household, chronic pain & fatigue). we also know several grannies in our church whose grandchildren live far away so they really appreciate some play time with my children - it's not an imposition, it lifts THEIR sadness/loneliness/longing a little too - very win/win. don't deprive yourself and others of the joy of life around children :) in some situations it's actually more selfish NOT to ask for help. ;)

Hi J.
I was in similar situation. Talk to your husband about feeling low and get to your doctor. Post Partum depression is very common and can be treated. I went on just 10mg of Celexa and it took the 'edge' off and the next day I was back down on the floor playing with the older ones and was enjoying my baby more and was not so overwhelmed by keeping house. I'm not a big medicine person - barely take tylenol for headaches - but this made a big important difference - and it wont be ongoing - just for a while to get you thru. There are hormonal reasons - your estrogen right at birth is the highest ever and the very next day, it drops to the lowest possible. That swing alone is enough to mess with you. I'm not a Dr, nor do I pretend to be, but call your ob/gyn or primary care today.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I don't know the details of your NICU experience, but it is extremely traumatic and tough to deal with emotionally.
We have a 12 year son and a 19 month old daughter. My water broke at 27 weeks with our daughter and she was born at 30 weeks. She had a rougher road than most 30 weekers and continues to have ongoing growth and gross motor setbacks. Her first 5 weeks were spent in the Riverside NICU, home for 24 hours, then back in Children's NICU for 3.5 weeks, home for a week then back in for almost a week.
I was an emotional mess for quite a while. I read in a book (can't remember which one-sorry) that due to a traumatic birth experience, the NICU experience (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) you are going through a greiving process. Everyone wishes for a textbook birth and homecoming. When that doesn't happen, we greive in our own way. Not to mention the fact that many preemie mothers don't get to experience their full pregnancy. I was just really starting to show and wear maternity clothes and starting to feel her move. The FUN part. . .Then BOOM. . .I'm in Riverside on strict bedrest for 3 weeks, then emergency cesarean where both of us were touch and go. . .
Definately talk to your husband. Though it might be hard for him to understand completely, I bet he'll understand more than you think.
Please feel free to e-mail me for additional support. I've been there/done that and are still dealing with not having a 'normal' toddler. My e-mail is ____@____.com

Also, there is a preemie forum that is so wonderful. I have made so many friends there. No one understands like other mothers that have gone through the same thing. You can post a very specific question and get wonderful answers the same day. It's been invaluable to us.

http://preemie.clinicahealth.com/index.pl

Best wishes. . .you are not alone! What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Please contact me if you'd like to chat.

Please do not exclude your husband from this issue. You are feeling and dealing with a lot and you should get support from your loved ones. Ask for help, tell your husband. Do NOT be ashamed for feeling the way you do.

Hi J.,
I think your very overwhelmed. Our second son was also born with some medical issues and was in NICU. Being home with your children with no medical personal around is very stressful. Of course you want to make sure your youngest is your main focus, but your other children do not understand this. What you need is to let your husband know how you feel, you need his support emotional. You also need to see about family members or friends coming over and helping take some of the stress off by helping you not only with the children but with basic everyday chores. You could also attend the parent support group at the hospital. I think you can still go even though your child is now out of the NICU. Call and find out. It helps when other people who have been through the same things as you knows how you feel. I hope this helps. Good luck.

First, understand there is nothing wrong with how you feel. It is entirely normal to feel overwhelmed by a new child, even if you didn't face difficulties with his health.

Second, IMO, you need to talk to your husband. That's a relationship that is vital to the whole family, and if you're close, I'm sure he's already noticed something is up. Talk it out. You'll both feel better.

Third, talk to your obstetrician and/or family doctor to see if you need some further help in the short term. I ignored major post-partum depression with my first, and I so regret it. It was damaging to my relationships with my son and my husband, and there was just no reason. I didn't prove how self-reliant I was. I just hurt everyone emotionally, especially me.

Dear J.,
Please remember you are a woman who has just endured a lot of stress. Take one day at a time- this is just for a season. Your baby needs you and you provided for the other children when they were infants. Do not feel guilty- they will be just fine. Bowen needs you now. You are teaching your other children the right thing by taking such good care of him. Your situation is not typical- so it OK if your behavior & feelings are not those you typically have. In time things hopefully will improve.
My 2 yr old daughter had open heart surgery at 15 wks of age and she has Down syndrome. My first guilt issue was the isolation to avoid getting sick. We couldn't go anywhere and my old child had no one to play with. Things are better now and no permanent damage to speak of.
Take care of you- and talk with that awesome husband!
A.

J., your certainly have a full plate and probably little time for yourself. I suggest speaking with your primary care physician about the possiblity of post partum depression. Most physicians have a check list of sorts to see if an anti depressant is warranted. If possible, you might want to arrange for a helper a few hours each week so you and your older children can have some time outside of the house and also for some time just for you.

J. C. I had postpartum with my first child and believe me it isn't fun. I am not sure if you are having postpartum or just plain exhaustion and sadness from your overwhelming situation. The first thing I would say is to not be mad at or punish yourself for feeling overwhelmed or spread too thin. My son was 8 1/2 when my daughter was born. It was a rough pregnancy for me (I almost miscarried at 7 wks and then on bedrest and medicine around the clock to stop labor from 20 weeks until delivery. I lost a lot of blood and was very anemic) I just didn't have the energy to deal with my very active 2nd grader. What I found is by talking to my husband and telling him I was feeling a little overwhelmed and tired and felt as though the baby needed much of my attention and asking him if he felt he was able to jump in with our older son more so they were getting time from a parent actually relieved my husband because he didn't feel like he was leaving the care of the new baby on me...he realized that by playing with our older son was still helping me. Once a week I would have a special day with our son when dad would keep the baby and I would go out with our son and do whatever he wanted. It usually involved going out for a picnic at the park or lunch and a movie...things that didn't really zap all of my energy, but still allowed my son to have a blast with me. It takes so little to please children and you can't imagine how much that day will mean to them...they have all week to look forward to something and plan their special day. It sounds like your children and husband love you so if you are honest with them that you are overwhelmed right now, but reassure them that you love them and this will get better then they are going to be ok. That's all they really need to know is you love them, plus you are teaching them a valuable lesson about people needing time for themselves and you are teaching them how to care about someone elses feelings which is very important at their age range. I hope this helps...sorry it was so long.

call your gyno you sound like you have post pardumn. i had it and when my baby was born. did not want to do anything. i did not have it with my first but my second i did. they put me on prozac it seemed to help.

J., I've had an almost identical experience as you are now. My third child was born with Gulf War Syndrome. She was exactly like your third as well. On oxygen, in and out of hospitals, constantly having to see specialists, incl. neurologists, cardiologists, opthomologists, genetists, etc... and my husband is active duty army, so I was left to my self with two older children needing me. I know these feelings of overwhelming. You're NOT a bad mommy. You are not Jesus Christ either. Talk to her ped. and see what it will take for you to be eligible for respite care. The state usually pays for it or your insurance. I didn't know about this nice thing till after i didn't need it anymore, but there are people who will come help and sit with the baby while you go out on your own or spend time with your older ones. Even if it's to take them to Mc.D's and watch them play in the filthy playground they have there.. ( you'll have to excuse that last... I'm a TOTAL germophobe. Join a sp. needs moms group either through yahoo groups or locally in your town. If there is none, make one. Go through your church and have the priest, ( or minister, preacher, etc..) make an announcement for someone to come help maybe a couple days per week.
Asking for help this way is NOT a sign that you cannot handle your own. However it IS a sign you're sensible enough to know when you need help and how to ask for it.
You may e-mail me personally any time if you would like to talk or have any questions.. Remember it WILL get better, and keep that pretty chin up not only for those babies but for you as well. Trust me.. I've been there/done that. and would do it ALL over again after learning what I learned from having this baby.
God bless you and you will be in my prayers.
A.

Hi J... I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have a almost 5 month old who spent her first 4 months of life in RCNIC,with a 6 year old and a 14 year old9who has the same disorder as my 5 month oldd so they sre both physically and mentally handicapped..anywho it was really trying and hard at times to take care of the older two because truth be told I was totally exhausted and still am. My daughter Morgan has a trach, and a GJ feeding tube.We have nursing care during the day but instead of sleeping I seem to hover so I never sleep.Then when my other kids get home from school I just don't want to deal. It is so hard cuz Jordan my oldest is total care so he needs the attention and my six year old who is"typical"is just stuck in the middle, and with homework and Brownies, and just 6 year old whining I am like screaming(well in my head)JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!. I know it is hard but it will get better. Feel free to email anytime @ ____@____.com..Good luck~K.
PS Morgan was in POD e at first then was moved to a private room B 8 because she had to be put into isolation.We were there from Aug 28-Dec 12, and the Asouth from Dec 17-23..Frequent Flyers at children's

I have had similar symptoms since a few months after my second son was born. I felt like I was ignoring my first son. Like you its not that I don't love him. It's like something is wrong. I have let it go for a long time thinking it would get better. It hasn't; so I finally called and made an appointment to see someone about it. I think the best way to get back to yourself is to just get the help you need. I wish I would have done it earlier. Nothing else has worked, hopefully this will. I hope everything works out for you, too.
K.

Hi J.,
First I would like to congrat you on your new little baby boy. He sounds like a fighter!!! Tell him to keep it up!!!! I had postpartum with my first baby, I think due to birth control that made my milk dry up. It was the worst thing, you do feel out of sorts, sad, confused, crazy, and happy at times. It helped talking to my husband, we researched information on it so I knew I wasn't going to feel this way forever. I did wind up going to the doctor to talk to him about it. I think you have a lot on you plate, and you are overwhelmed and still adjusting. And probably with some postpartum. Hang in there, you sound like a strong, good mom!! Look at it not as you gave up who you were, but this is who you are now. Maybe talk with your children and set up a "special" time with them. Like time after dinner or something, you can do one on one with them. Story time before bed?? I'm sure all your babies are beautiful! That is a blessing. Keep your head up and I'll be praying for you and your family,
God Bless you and your family.
S.

make some time for yourself. if it's only just half an hour to take a nice bubble bath or to do your nails or whatever to pamper yourself, it will help your to feel more like yourself and a moment of control. also, i don't think you need to be afraid of what you're feeling. you ARE being overwhelmed. does your husband help out when he gets home from work? would you be able to enlist a good friend or family member to help out so that you can reconnect with your older children? do you think you're kids would like to help out with the new addition (i bet the six year old would love to be the "Big Girl" and help do small things for mommy.
you might also want to see a councillor if you're worried about how you feel. there's nothing wrong with that. you're HUMAN after all!!!

Hi J.... It sounds like you really have your hands full. My advice comes in 2 parts. Please talk to your doctor because it does sound like you may have some post partum depression. The second part is to definately talk to your husband and/or other family to get some help at least for a while. You have been through a lot of change, and no one should go it alone. Good luck!

I had just about the same problem you are having now about a little over 3 years ago. My oldest will be 5 in May. Seat down with your husband and talk to him about how your are feeling after the older children go to bed. He can't help you if you don't talk to him about what's going on and how your are feeling. If after talking to him doesn't help then talk to your doctor about how your are feeling. Good luck and I will sent out a special prayer for you in your time of need. Everything will work out.

Also take sometime out just for you even if it is after everyone else goes to bed. Maybe light a few candles, turn off the lights and just set and relax and what the candles burn. It can be very soothing. Or maybe do something else that makes you feel good about yourself. Hang in there you will be just fine.