Need Discipline Advice for Toddler

Hi, If you hit in your household as a form of discipline,and it doesn't sound like you do, but, some people do, and that is their business, and this advice might not work because I think it confuses the child to have something done to them, or to see it done to others when people are mad, but, she is told she can't do it. Some children learn to react that way. They learn by what they see us or others do, not so much what we say! I'm not judging, just bringing that to light that other people hitting, even if it is the siblings or playmates, might be sending a confusing double message to her that she might not be able to process.

Now that is said... All children go through the hitting phase!

If you do other forms of discipline other than hitting, I suggest you talk to her when she is calm, in language that she can understand. Let her know that hitting people or herself is not o.k. and why. It hurts people, people don't like it and will be mad at her for hitting them. Explain she is a good girl, and good girls don't hit. Be sure to let her know that it is the behavior, not her, that is bad. She's too little to understand why she does it. Must be for the reaction? In her mind, it might be funny to see people react when they are hit. This is all perfectly normal. If you think about it, isn't it kind of funny when you jump somebody- even it's by accident? It's not funny to the person being startled, but, it is kind of funny to watch... That is probably what it seems like to her. She might also be testing boundaries without realizing it. Now that you have a little understanding of where she is coming from... The next time she hits you, don't make a face, except a stern one, don't react much, just say "don't hit me, please" in a stern voice, and then get up and walk away from her. "Ignore to extinguish", might work here. You will just have to ignore her for a minute, not long, then act as if nothing happened. Give her some alternatives, "discipline is teaching". As an experienced mother, you probably already know that. With practice, teach her to voice her feelings, "I am Mad because you won't let me get my way!" or to simplify, "I feel mad!" and then acknowledge her expressing herself in a more appropriate way by saying "I understand you are mad because you are not getting your way right now, but, maybe later we can do what you want". Then distract her with something positive ASAP! For example, "Now, I'm going to go get a drink of water, would you like some too?" or whatever! Don't holler at her, not that you would, but just be calm, stern, and very mater-of-factly in your approach. It's very important for you to be consistent with her, or she will just be confused and the behavior will continue. Also, some people might laugh when she does it? Hitting is o.k. sometimes, but, not others? That's confusing too. Try to get your family on board for consistency with her to teach her not to hit people in the face in as loving way as possible to ensure understanding on her part. She's only 2, and children are very self-centered and impulsive, naturally, as you know, that will change with maturity, and it takes time for them to develop empathy for others. Good Luck! Been there, done that! What was hard for me was, some people would laugh when my daughter hit them, wasn't in the face, but, still the same behavior, and some would try to be polite but didn't like it. But, with consistency at home, it finally stopped! I'm sure this will be a passing phase for your daughter, and you are certainly not alone!

Hi Jen
I read the responses to this and realize how confusing and contradictory today's advice on child discipline is. Have to add my two cents. I have three kids - a 22 yo son in the Army, a 19 yo daughter in college, and an 11 yo daughter. None of my kids has ever been in trouble with school or the law, and are (so far, and thank God) happy productive adults.

That being said... my thoughts on this one go against today's pop psych. Two year old's simply don't understand higher levels of thought, and their world is all about them.

I swatted at this age. Not hands, their little fingers are too vulnerable - and certainly not faces.

The INSTANT they hit someone, say NO strongly and sharply, and swat them on the butt - or, honestly, the side of the leg if they have pampers on. They learn empathy by understanding that it Hurts to be Hit, and the strong no sends a clear signal that what they just did is not a good thing to do.

J.,
Of course this is a completely normal phase for your little one to go through. The problem is, she has no idea that hitting hurts you. She's still into the world being all about her- and it's a great time to teach empathy. When she hits, make a very sad face, and say "Ouch, that hurts mommy. We don't hit- that hurts." Telling her no, it's bad, etc, isn't really teaching her WHY she shouldn't hit, which is the basis for self control. Show her another way to get her frustration out through reflecting what she's feeling "You want that toy, huh? You're mad." Sometimes that's all it takes to diffuse a little one's anger, sometimes letting her say "I'm mad!" and stomping her feet help, too. Time out is really not useful at this age, since she's too young to reflect back on her actions and make the connection. But giving her empathy (I see you're mad), and helping her empathize (that hurts me when you hit, I'm sad), will help her develop that self control she's looking for.

You will also enjoy:

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=29Qhmp...

K.

I don't have an answer, but I wanted to let you know that my daughter is doing exactly the same thing. I am pretty sure it is normal, but frustrating and embarassing the same.

Hi J.! I'm no expert but I think that toddler hitting is just a toddler's way of communicating so it's normal but we have to teach them it's not okay and to be able to communicate in a healthier way. I would try not to use the word "bad" because of the connotation that she is "bad"- I think using time-out sounds good but somehow, it's not working for you- consider how you're using time-out...the time-out should be immediate, she should be removed from the social environment for about 2-3 minutes, and she should be told why she's in time-out. When time is up, she should apologize to whoever she hit in order to return to play. She should also be given as many rewards and punishments- so, if she doesn't hit for several hours or a day, she should get a nice treat. Also, you could try taking away a beloved toy or giving her an early bedtime if she hits.

Best of luck!! I know how hard it is!

You should stick with the time outs...I know that she may get up and run away, but you have to keep putting her back until she realizes that you are not going to stop until she has had her time-out. You could also try a play pen or high chair if its too bad. Hitting doesn't even get a warning...one hit is an instant time out. Eventually she will realize that her action of hitting gets her in time out and she should stop doing it. Make sure that when you put her in you tell her "you hit, you get time-out" and when its over, again, you have to get down to her level and explain that she went into time out for hitting and that she needs to apologize. I have been pretty lucky that my daughter hasn't had a big problem with it, but the first few times she did it, it was an instant time out. Eventually she stopped.

When my children and grandchildren did this I take their hands and place them on whomever they hit and slowly rub their hand gently on the person up and down and repeat the word NICE over and over. Do not say negative words to the child it just makes it worse.You hitting back sends the message that it is ok to hit. Let me know if it works for you because my 2 children and 4 grandchildren don't hit anyone or anything... It works for me