Need Advice Re: My Ex, My Son's Father...

A.,

I dont think that you are being irational at all!! I am also in the same situation as you. My ex husband keeps the same company...one of them just got a felony DUI! Im a single mother and I have three kids 8 yr old twins and a 13 yr old and as a Mom the hardest thing to feel is that you cant put them in a bubble and protect them...I know its hard :(
You are right on this one in my opinion. The environment is more proper for your son with you and other kids for him to play with. My ex does the same macho thing "my son and father" stuff....but here is the thing....no 8 yr old is going to want to hang with grown men and watch hours of football vs. playing with children his own age. At least I know my two 8 yrs olds wouldnt! :)
Your doing great...no worries you sound like a great Mom :)

~A.

If you don't have regularly scheduled visits and you already made plans and your son is happy with these plans I say go ahead and keep your plans. Don't let him run your life. Kids like to play with kids not be with adults.If he does it once and gets away with it than he will keep doing it and make youe life a living wreck. A. S.

That's bad that it is last minute but... blessings are he wants to be with his son and do cool stuff. Football is a guy thing and that doesn't happen everyday. Try to communicate with your ex earlier in the week about eachothers plans. It sounds like most of the time you have your son so most of your plans automatically include your son especially since he is 8. YOu sound so angry being a little more prayerful would give you some peace. "What ifs" can be paralyzing about drinking an gross men its male bonding and hope your son and his father will be close it is so important. The more you encourage your ex the more he will do. Go in with the attitude anything he does with his son is great and you will get good results. The time he spends with his dad could be some "me time" or time alone with the new husband. Take advantage of that time and count the blessing that he wants to be with him.
-S.

You are not wrong at all. If you have plans you have plans. I am the same way with my ex. I never deny him access to his daughter, but since he to date does things at his convenience and has never payed child support, I have no problems telling him no when something comes up or I have previous plans. Super bowl has nothing to do with father son bonding, especially with an eight year, that is just a typical pitiful excuse. Go and enjoy the day with your friends and don't worry about your ex's feelings. I know how hard it is when dealing with an ex, especially when no set schedule is in place, so I like I said do not deny access, but I also do not change my plans to suit him, NO WAY! Good luck to you.

This is coming from the daughter of divorced parents... I strongly encourage you, along with the rest of the women who have commented, not to change your plans. I really valued the structure of knowing where I was going to be. Don't ask your son what he would choose (didn't sound like you had) because then, in essence, he's choosing between the people he loves most. You can give your ex the friendly yet firm response of maybe next year something can be worked out but this year you've made plans.

You sound like you are looking out for your son, w/o punishing the father. Seems like your instincts are right on!

Jen

Dear Mom,

I totally understand your situation. I raised 3 kids on my own and went to school to earn a degree. They are now adults so my advice is stick to your guns. Do not change your plans. When your son is older and not as vulnerable to his father's behavior , you can reconsider. By this I mean, when he can call you if Dad is drunk and wants to drive him anywhere. Sometimes people only enter our lives to be the parents of our children but we have to act as the responsible parent for years to come. Tell the Dad - when the boy is older and put it off as long as you can. Your son will form his own opinions as life goes on and see the differences in "familiy gatherings " for himself.

I do not think you are being irrational at all. If I was in that same situation, I would not want my son to be around those type of people either. I think you did the correct thing in letting him know that you already had plans...and in the future, some notice in advance would be much appreciated.

I am not sure what your current custody situation is...but, if he truly thinks the "super bowl" should be a son and father thing...then why can't he watch it with him alone or with other families and not in an environment that is inappropriate for an 8 year old little boy? If he genuinely meant that and has your son's best interest in mind, he would not want to bring him around those type of people.

I would definitely encourage him to spend time with his son in a positive manner ONLY if he is a positive influence in your son's life. I am not sure what type of person he is...but it sounds like you definitely have your son's best interest in mind which is the most important thing! Good Job! I don't believe that just because someone is genetically a child's parent, they deserve the right to be a parent. Children are so precious, and they deserve all we can give them. And if he is not capable of being that for your son and only wants to see him for "self serving" reasons, that is only going to harm your son...kids are perceptive.

Those are my 2 cents...I hope this helps!!!

A. - I think you are absolutely right in your decision to have your son be with you. An 8-year-old does not need a "macho" atmosphere like the one you describe your ex will be in. You're not irrational - you're doing the right thing for your child. Stand your ground!!

Some times it is in your best interest to formalize agreements in situations like this. I don't know if you have a formal custody agreement or if you garnish his wages for child support but it is a very smart thing to do. One of my friends was very reluctant to do these things because she didn't want to rock the boat, but her ex was always finding excuses to not give her child support, and after she did the forms her payments came regularly right out of his paycheck before he gets a dime. She also formalized the custody agreement. There is a family law court downtown that has a clinic that opens at 8 am with people who help with the logistics of custody, divorce, etc. The following website has all the details.
http://www.sdcourt.ca.gov/portal/page?_pageid=55,###-###-...

Is this about what's best for your son or a battle between you and your ex? Liar or not he is still your child's father. Listen to your heart and do whatever is best for your child. If you want advance notice from your ex, tell him how long so he knows when to approach you with a request.

First of all, you are in the right here. There is absolutley no reason at all for him to expect you to drop your plans with your son simply because he demands it. If he wants to make plans to be with his son, then tell him how far in advance they need to be and stick with it. If he really wants to bond with his son then he can do it respectfully. The Superbowl is NOT a father-son event and it is disrespectful to you to act as though his son would not enjoy it simply because you are the one with him. You do not need to give into his biological father's attempt to guilt you into letting him do whatever he wants. Your son is 8 years old and needs at least 1 strong and thoughful parent leading him to a path that allows him to become a man of substance in the future. Never doubt your first gut reaction, it is usually the right answer for you and your child.

H. Stanley

Personally, I think that you need to keep your son's best interest in mind and protect his innocence as much as possible. If he is going to be around a lot of bad influences by going with his dad, I think it would be better for him to stay with you. Especially if the plans were already made. Do you know if your son would have a preference, or have you given him an option? But, other than that, I don't know what else to tell you, but I know you will do what is best for your situation.

Hi A.,
First of all, I commend you on being an awesome mom to your son. To respond to your request, I support you with trusting your instincts and sticking to the set plan. Good luck! G.