Need Advice - Divorce & Custody

K.,
I understand a lot of the feelings and frustrations you are going through. First, I hope that you have a good Attorney. If not, get one. You will want someone with a good family / custody focus or background. They can give you good advice based on your situation. I would also seek a counselor/child psychologist. Not really for yourself, but someone who can advise you on handling issues with the kids and your ex. If you ex is willing to go to discuss issues about the kids - even better.

The court may require you to see a mediator at some point - they are not the most helpful individuals. Their purpose is only to give you a safe environment in order to work out custody or visitation issues...they are not going to really help work through issues. For additional advice, try a book called "Joint Custody with a Jerk". The title sounds bad, but it's a great book that offers advice about how to deal with all the issues you have encountered or may yet in the future. Also, you might be interested in a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans.

Keep in mind that you can't control everything he does. Even after being divorced from my ex for 4 years, I still battle with this.

You completely did the right thing and while I know it's hard, you're a great Mom for doing what you thought was best for your kids. Keep your chin up.

Hello K., I am so sorry for what else you are about to indure.but you did the right thing for placing your children first second should be you now. ask friends,relatives ect if they know of or heard of a good attorney.interview some attorneys. there are alot out there that do free consultaions. and see if you like one better than the rest. start documenting every time he is late,or not show up when i documented everything my ex did when i went infront of the judge my ex got a ear full from the judge and told me he wished more clients did that. its going to get tough before better. but get all that you can because you and the children need it. especially god forbid something happens and lets say you loose your job you will have that extra money to help. now is the time to think about the 3 of you he defended on himself before he met you he can do it again. I would do counceling just for your self to make you a stronger person and to help you in the long wrong. the children are young but it will help so when they get older. just look at all the advices and maybe get something from each one depend on your friends who offer to help it does help so much to have that backup make sure you get your name off anything he has on his because if you are just filing separation papers. then what ever he accurs after that is filed he can not come back to court for the divorce and say i want her to pay half of that because in ca its community property but if you have the separation paper he cant get it thats what i did to keep my ex from going out and running all kinds of debt then i would get stuck paying half so for me having that filed he got stuck paying for what he occured while seperated while i was waiting to file for divorce. it gave me time to get things together you can go to the court house and file that. or if your not sure ask you attorney. but make sure you file for divorce first because in the ca courts it seems like the plaintiff gets the run of the show so act quick before he does. i wish you much luck your doing the right thing just keep remembering that.

If you make about the same, but the kids live with you, he will have to pay child support. Don't make assumptions about it until you've talked with an attorney. I know one in Diamond Bar I would recommend, Jean Fitgerald, but that may be too far north for you.

I would get a better custody arrangement in writing. It's great he wants to see his kids, but with him coming over and spending time in your house so often, it makes it difficult for you to have your own life. In California the standard is every other weekend and one weekday evening per week, plus split holidays.

By law he can get part of your retirement (I'm in the same situation in CA) but if he agrees to let you keep it, you can stipulate this for the court.

I agree you should get counseling. You need someone neutral and experiences to bounce things off of. I left my husband for similar reasons, and I have to keep focused on what's best for my child and me.

Check out these websites for help with California divorce:

http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/family/
http://calbar.ca.gov/state/calbar/calbar_generic.jsp?cid=...

Good luck!

Hi there K.. First off, I'm really sorry. That sounds beyond stressful! Have you tried marriage counseling? Or family counseling?

It's done wonders for me and my husband to 'clear the air.' In no way am I saying go back to him - just that you're going to need help getting through this period. For the sake of the children, a 3rd party can negotiate this tricky area without placing blame, which is key to you both moving forward.

What I am doing (since I am almost in a similar boat), is trying to put the children first, not placing blame on my spouse, and going to counseling.

I hope that helps. Write anytime you want. I also own a business and am around the same age. Take care.

Have you tried counselling? Marriage counsellors and some married Pastors are worth hearing out. Also they are trained to be objective so noone goes on the defensive. Your husband may be more open to suggestions for helping the relationship with a non-biased third party.I NOT would allow him to the house to sit if he is being abusive to you. Can any family or nearby friends watch your children for you? I called my local church and got the name of a woman with kids at home who did daycare. It was the break I needed that did not have to include an abusive partner.Better for all of us.Consult a recomended divorce attorney in your area. You can call around or ask friends.Im for: kids need BOTH parents . But: only if they are not being abusive to anyone, ever. A lawyer or legal hotline could advise you on getting his paychecks "garnished" through the courts. They will take some of his salary for his childrens support whenever his pay run is.The court mails this to you and you do not have to talk to him or have any contact with him should he not be civilized about being out. I always say: a good woman will never leave a man that is good to her.YOU do have options here and a good family lawyer can advise you even if over the phone. You can go to your local court and file is my understanding. But each county could be different for all I know.You need a really good support system in place right now. As a single parent, I get that at my local church small group that meets weekly. Let us know how you make out . We care here.....

K., I'm 33, and my son was not quite two when I divorced my husband. We did our divorce ourselves, as the whole process was really pretty amicable. You can probably file on your own for a temporary parenting schedule so your he has set times to see the kids. Also, you can probably request that he take them somewhere else (a grandparents' house maybe) or that he have appropriate housing for them to visit (the office clearly not qualifying). Usually, if you can afford the house on your own (with child support), you should be able to "buy him out" of his half of it. Otherwise, many couples sell their homes and split the proceeds. As far as your retirement fund, you can request any monetary and/or tangible goods in your petition, as can he. If you don't agree, obviously, that's where the judge comes in. It's really easier on everyone if you can hash it out in advance, but if he's being unreasonable, that'll be harder. I didn't, for example take responsibility for my ex's debts that he had prior to our marriage, and he agreed that was fair (and vice versa). I don't know anything about the lawyers process, because we filed ourselves, but I do know that if there is any way for you guys to manage a friendly relationship, it will make it SO much easier for the kids. My son has four parents that all interact (almost daily on the phone) with each other, and he doesn't remember life any differently. It's been as smooth a process as it could be. I wish I had better info for you, but our situations are a little different, I think. Good luck to you.

A quick inquiry. Do you think he may have some mental illness issues? Was he always like this or did he just change? Might be something he needs to look into.

What you are doing is trying to keep your kids safe and in a healthy environment. It is hard but it really does become easier with time.

When he does things to spite you, smile and don't let it get to you because no matter what, you cannot change his rudeness and if he knows it annoys you, he will continue doing it and find different ways to annoy you.

A little about me:

I am a 52 year old mother with two boys, one 16 and one 20 with a wonderful supportive husband. I am also a co-owner to the Thousand Oaks Dream Dinners.

Hi K., I know i'm a little late on responding, because I think advice on such an imnportant matter needs to be based on more than personal opinions. My first point I want to make is that, divorce is one of the most selfish things that parents can do to their children, I say this because I have seen to much of this in my daycare and the lives of friends of my own kids.Your kids will be hurt, there is no way around that, I believe you and your husband are hurting, but it is wrong to try and rectify your own pain by causing pain to someone else (in this case your kids) I have seen kids go back and forth to moms house then dads then moms, children are no long children, they just become two volley balls passed back and forth how sad. All marriages have problems, I have been married to my husband now, well next Friday will be 27 years, but 14 years ago, when we had a 5, 7, and 9 year old we hit a really rough time in our marriahe, it was led by the stress of my husbands retirement from the Military, we were both ready to walk, but we came to the realization, that this wasn't just about us we had 3 kids to think about, who at the time were already hurting, because mom and dad were arguing so much, but K. I made a promise to each one of my kids the first time I held them after they were born, and that promise was to protect them from any kind of harm and danger, and any kind in evil and illness at any cost, I also promised God and my husband for better or WORSE until DEATH do us part, I lost sight of that, well we joined a church got help with our marriage, and we have been better than ever, our kids didn't become just 3 more statistics of a broken home, and they are now 24, 21, and 19 and their family is still in tact. See K. your's and your's husbands love for your kids, has to be stronger, than your anger, animosity, and maybe hatred for one another, Love always protects, and right now K. you and your husband are not protecting your kids, I know rght now you think by having your husband out of the house is protecting them from hearing the fighting and what, but while you are doing that, you are not thinking about the damage that you may be causing in other areas of those innocent little ones, cause they didn't ask for any of this. Had my husband and I gave up. years ago, we would have missed out on an awesome marriage, great kids, and family that endured hardship, but rosed aboved thanks to the Love of God, and the love that two parents had for their children, and each other. If you would like to talk furture my e-mail is ____@____.com let me say one more thing, cause I really don't want to read the advice that people gave you, I'm sure most of it is worldy advice and not Godly advice, but if you divorce your husband and mary somone else down the road, alls you are doing is swaping one sets of faults for another, becasue although a new guy doesn't have the faults your husband has, trust me he will have a set of his own, and then you have to adjust to a whole new set of faults, or ask him to leave too. Oh by the way, I never expected my husband to do dishes, or house work, and I think that is why he did. J.

I am going through the same type of deal, except my two are 7 and 10. Believe it or not I think your luckier as yours are younger. I made the mistake of staying with him even though I believe I wasn't in love with him for the last 5 years or so because I didn't want to hurt the kids, its only now because I can see the hurt in the kids everytime we argue or he argues in front of them that I made the decision. My spouse is now living elsewhere, and can barely afford the rent on his salary, I have to keep telling myself its not really my problem, making sure the kids are as happy and healthy as they can be is what matters. He's been gone 4 months now and comes round basically everyday to see them, why? Because he loves them and they love him to death, I could never refuse the kids theie father but I hate this (although babysitting comes in handy) I don't have a life of my own because hes here all the time. I just told him I wanted a divorce and all of a sudden he's cleaning up, being nice to me, he says he'll do what ever it takes!! But its to late. My point to you is, they'll never change, once this kind of treatment has happened it has ruined the relationship, because it will never go away, especially from your memories etc. I applaud you because you realized it sooner than later, just don't let the ease of having someone there make you rethink and his living arrangments and support payments are not your concern, once you go to court let the judge and him worry about it. Hope I didn't go on to much OOHH very important, aim for full custody that way you can make sure your kids can see him whenever THEY want, and he can't mess with you down the road to be spiteful, which he sounds

Dear K.,

Since you have 2 kids together, I don't encourage you to get divorce, it is not healty for the children. don't kick him out
of the house, just ignore him if you don't like to see him. as long as he pay you and sometimes take care of the children,better than you have no one help at all. Think of divorce when the children after high school if you still need it. I believed you won't want to neglected your children when their young, especially when go to school, a lot of activities need to have parent to be there to support the children, I believed you won't want your kids to feel that their parent are divorced. unless you really cannot tolerate him ??

I know this is an old request, but I thought I'd just throw some thoughts out there. My parents never got along, so I wasn't modeled how to have a happy marriage or how to be loving, or treat a man such that he will in turn treat me like a queen. The first few years of my marriage I was not very nice to my husband, then I wondered why he was not very nice to me. We were madly in love, but didn't much know how to get along. I used to throw around the "d" word. We finally decided together to clean up our acts. I would stop nagging and antagonizing him, and stop meeting him with hostility when he came home for the day. He stopped yelling and picking fights with me. It was a beautiful transformation. We used to fight/argue constantly. Now we rarely have such challenges.

I urge you to read Dr Laura Schlessinger's book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. She explains what men need to be happy, which is pretty basic. Give him what he needs and you both will be infinitely happier. That book saved my marriage. She has a more recent book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, which is also excellent. It sounds like he is reacting to you and your treatment of him, not that he is an abuser. Perhaps since you had the second child, he felt like he got the shaft and his basic needs aren't being met. Please don't throw him out with the trash. My heart aches for you and your girls.

I've been there. The best advice I have for you is, stay strong,and once you start, stick to your guns. It will not be easy, he WILL use your kids, he WILL hate you and blame you for EVERYTHING. But keep your eyes on the future and know that your kids will see you as a strong woman that deserves respect. It is our job as parents to show our kids how relationships work,and to respect woman, and as a woman to demand respect! You are an example to them. Would you want your daughter in the relationship you're in? Being treated the way you're treated? It's your job to show them how its done! I'm divorced from an abusive man (my daughter was 3) and remarried to a respecting man and great daddy. It's a tough time for you but all will work out in the end. :)

My husband and I have been seperated for a year plus. I know what you are going through some what. But trust me when I say it dosen't get any eaiser. On the child support thing if he is willing to pay without you getting the system involved that would be the way I would go, I would put child support on him as a last resort. Men are funny because they can see all the mistakes they claim that we make and they can see our fault in things through their eyes, but can't see anything they have done wrong in makeing a realtionship go bad. All I can say is be strong throughout the whole ordeal. I still have days that it really hurts me for us to be going through this but then I think about my children and I have 6 children (all girls) witht his man. Even though he is there for his girls for weekend visits and things like that sometimes I still feel alone like the world is against me then I wake and realize that if I never have anyone else in my life that matters I will always have my daughters. I also have my days that I wish we could get back together then I realize that he has a new life with another woman and a new baby on the way. Anytime you need someone to lean on I'm here. Good Luck.

Hi K.,

After reading about your situation, I want to mention that I’m truly sympathetic about what you’re dealing with. I understand your not looking for sympathy, but instead advice. Although, I don’t have any advice to offer, I want to let you know that I’ll keep you in my prayers. I believe that the Lord never allows us to go through anything that we can’t handle, and by reading your letter you seem pretty stern in what you’re unwilling to tolerate. Keep your head high, and know that you’ll be able to overcome this.

-M.

I am late, but I wanted to write because I saw how some people were judging you for wanting out of your marriage. I think you are a strong woman and great parent for not wanting your children to grow up thinking it is normal for a man to talk down to a woman and not do his share in the relationship and home. It is not one's place to tell you what is the right thing to do about your relationship! That said, if you get a legal separation or a divorce, make sure everything is spelled out very clearly in writing! My mom accepted some verbal agreements from my father about adjustments to payments, and when my father did not fallow through she had no recourse. Since us staying in the house was also a verbal agreement we had no recourse the day he called us up to tell us he had sold it (it was in his name)and we had 30 days to relocate, and that us kids could live with him(it was his play to get custody). Just be sure everything is written very clear in understandable language, it will save you a lot of headache later!