Getting a Divorce, Any Advice Please Give

get your marriage liscense birth certificate and social security cards. take out any paper that has your ssn on it. tax papers and everything. keep yourself busy or the depression will run you over.take him off all of your bank accounts. or your name off of his. you will hate men for a while that is normal but it will pass. get yourself busy busy busy church or anything you can do.dont file a joint return with him this year. do not give him sole custody.

I'm sorry. I've been divorced before I had kids - it still wasn't pleasant. I also had a child when I wasn't married... long, messy story later, when our son was a year old I went to court to establish custody and he released his paternity and moved 2000 miles away.

Separation is hard. Divorce is hard. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn the loss of the life you dreamt would be yours with him. Give yourself time to accept this and let go of blaming yourself, or blaming his ex-wife. The simple truth is if it was meant to be -- nothing she could have said would have gotten in the way.

Now, take care of you. Join the local YMCA - look into a yoga class, or aerobics, something to get those healthy endorphines pumping and get you feeling good about your body and who you are.

You might also check meetup.com in your area for a Moms group or a single parent group.. maybe even a group for divorcees or recently divorced? They have SO many different kinds of groups, I swear you could look for people that only wear pink bras on Tuesday and you would find a group for it. ;) Maybe you could make some new friends, and get some company... help you move on.

Oh, and for what you should take from the house -- make sure you get copies of all pictures from pregnancy to current of your son. (Assuming you have digital) get every picture copied onto CD or DVD for storage purposes and label them. Another Mom also mentioned making sure everything with your social is out of there, a copy of your sons birth certificate is a good idea --- if you only have one, you might want to order an extra copy.

Good luck, sorry you're going through this.

I didn't see anyone mention getting copies of paperwork documenting your husband's income. PLEASE be sure you get that. The court determines the amount of child support due based upon his INCOME. Also, try to get copies of any bank statements or investment or retirement accounts, whether your name is on them or not. When divorce turns nasty, people hide their assets. You need to be able to provide documentation of what he has and what he earns.

I'm in the middle of a divorce now. Mediation is required - not an option. If mediation fails, then you get into a court battle, which can be expensive. Did he purchase the home before you were married? You should consult with an attorney before doing anything. Once someone moves out, the terms of custody and support must be determined.

I do hope you have an attorney to represent your interests as well. In regards to your question about your coping with being with your child 1/2 the time, it depends on you and your relationship and how old your child is. At some time, they decide whom they want to spend the time with and so long as you don't bad mouth your husband(father) in front of the child, this will show that you are the better parent.
I myself have been divorced twice, once with a child and the other time my ex had a daughter 2 yrs older than my son but he was unwilling to show his daughter that I was his other 1/2 and took her word over me and my son so when we split he kept his things and I kept mine and that was it.
There are divorce support groups but the best thing is to lean on your close friends and family that have seen what you are going through and know you the best. You are capable of getting through this and the fact that he already has "another woman - his ex" in the background appears to be your benefit because when he realizes that he is doing this only for that person and not even trying to work on his marriage, you will be the better off and you will find someone better and he will lose you forever.
If you ever want to chat, don't hesitate to email or even call. I am on Facebook and you can write me at ____@____.com care and good luck and know you will get through this trying time. I am in the process of splitting up from my current son's dad (we did not get married thank god) but it is still just as hard) so I know your feelings especially during this time period of holidays, etc. In my thoughts,

T.

great advice for you here. I would fight for custody of the child, not sure how it works but he is the one asking for the divorce, asking you to leave. be lenient with visitation with father but if he gets shared custody now you wont be able to change it if he remarries someone horrible. You say he already favors his stepdaughter over your son, this doesn't sound healthy and it doesn't look healthy for the future he sounds like he is likely to remarry and have a child with someone else and you need to be in charge of your son! If you have been the one taking care of your son while hubby works get proof of this. are you the one who drops him and picks him up from daycare or are you a SAHM? do you take him to Dr visits, vaccinations etc or do both of you go? Get letters form neighbors, pediatrician, day care, church, receipts or check stubs you've signed for his check ups and vaccinations, day care, Mommy and me class anythig that shows you are more than his half time mother. Who would care for your son if your hubby works? again I hope you get more than half custody of your son, then as long as things are going well you can allow lots of visits and help them build a great father son relationship.
Do NOT tell ANYone WHY you want custody( you just say you want what;s best for your child) do NOT let your hubby know you are gathering evidence for a custody fight! I'm sorry you are going thru this but you just dont know what the future brings!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Having gone through divorce, I know it is not easy. You have received some excellent advice here. I especially agree with the points of Cheryl O.

When looking for a lawyer - DO NOT choose the first one you interview. Interview at least 3. They all give consultations for free. You do need someone to represent you - and be in your corner. Do your background checks and see how their previous clients feel about the representation they received. Divorce lawyers have different philosophies. Some of them go for the juggler, others have a more healing process with mediative processes. I would also ask the question " My husband has retained (insert name of your husband's lawyer) what do you know of him/her and have you ever worked with him/her before."

While I think mediation is crucial, especially when children are involved, all mediators are not created equal...be ware. Some are more skilled than others and truly have an equal settlement in mind, for others its just a job. You want the first, rather than the latter; their recommendations will stick with the court.

You are already assuming that you will be without your child 1/2 the time. Ask for sole custody and give him visitation rights.

I took a copy of everything from the house and then some. Of course, my former husband had been divorced before and he knew the rules of the game, thank goodness I could see the writing on the wall. Luckily, I took a copy of the credit card bills and was able to establish that after he asked for a divorce he went out and bought a $4,000 boat motor - for which I would have been 50% responsible for, but a good lawyer got me out of that one.

You are entitled to an annual review of his salary and an adjustment to child support if the DISOMaster (sp) shows that by salary guidelines you should receive it. Exercise this right.

NEVER fight in front of the child or bad mouth your ex in front of him/her. Do not use the child as a pawn. Always do what is best for the child.

Lastly, forgive and move on. I especially recommend Debbie Fords book on Spiritual Divorce. It will guide you through the process of learning the life lessons available to you through this situation, and allowing this to be an opportunity to grow as a person. A good coach trained assisting you through life transitions can really help with the forgiveness and healing. I'd be happy to give you referrals if you need them. You may be able to have HIM pay for this under the right circumstances.

Blessings,
K.

I think its not in your best intrest to move out if you have any financial intrest in this. i moved out hoping that when we went to court the judge would have him leave but it was not the case!

Cheryl O. great advice. I would like to add, since I am going through this currently, that hopefully you can do this as friendly as possible. If at all possible try to go through a mediator, it is a lot less expensive and it there are few assets it is best. It sounds like maybe he won't fight you for custody so that might be nice. If he does and you have to deal with it find things that will fill your time before it actually happens. Like for me, my son is with his dad on Tuesday, Thusday and one night during the weekend. I have therapy, yoga and the gym on those nights. It is nice to have some time to better myself as well. It makes the time I do have with my son (which is most of the time) so much nicer because we can hang out instead of running errands and cleaning the house. I have a girlfriend who asked all of us to take her out the first night she was away from her children. You will need a distraction for a while so try to make it a positive one.

As far as the divorce itself...if you have to seek legal counsel then do. I hope that as adults you can come to a mutual agreement of what is fair. In the State of CA everything (all property and debt) is 50/50 no matter how long you have been married. My ex and I waived our right to allimony (yes, you have to waive your right no matter how much money you make.) and you must disclose to the court all of your income. If he gets a pay check then this will be easy. If he is self employed than it gets a little tricky since he can hide money. The hardest thing for us is the name change. I want to add my last name to my sons and he is going to fight me so we will go to court. It's sad since I only want to add mine and not take his away but he can't handle that so oh well. I am happy to talk if you ever need to let me know. He moved out in July and we are still doing paperwork so it is very fresh.

Good luck and remember that it is now about making the best life for you and your son. Not about making your ex's life miserable.

Divorce Care is awesome. You must commit to not allowing yourself to date or to accept emotional support from men. This is your time to heal.
:0) I am sorry about your loss. HIRE YOUR OWN LAWYER. Never trust anyone else to be for YOUR best interests.