Name Calling

Just a thought, and probably not required now, but perhaps as more of her personality develops, he will see her identity blossom and find her name seems appropriate. It can be hard sometimes to see a baby as a person with a name (We all know Angelina famously regarded Shiloh as a blob for which I think she perhaps was unfairly castigated)....

My children all bear long names which we do not shorten, but sometimes it can feel a mouthful or odd to see a baby with such a name.

it's good to be mindful though.
Cheers,

I've observed quite a few fathers who feel pretty helpless in the face of a baby's helplessness. Since guys hate feeling helpless, this tends to put a negative spin on their thinking. And guys often have a hard time bonding with small babies. I've seen many of those same men become the most adoring daddies when their children (especially girls) get older and more able to interact and communicate. So what you are seeing could be a situation that will self-correct in time – especially if it doesn't become an ongoing power struggle between you and your husband.

If this is still a problem as your daughter is learning to talk, you may have to take action. I have discovered (after decades of trying) that I simply cannot change what another person does or thinks, no matter how clearly I can see the error of their ways. The best I can do is to live by the wisdom that seems clearest to me – and even that can be pretty hard at times.

But there is a way to talk about this issue that is based NOT on judgements or demands about what your husband should do, but on the FEELINGS his behavior evokes in you.

For example, you could say something like, "When I hear you use that name with our baby, I feel sad/angry/worried/annoyed/_______. I'm afraid that she will come to believe you don't love her/value her/see what is wonderful about her/_________. And I am concerned that she will learn to use similar terms when she speaks to others. I would feel so much better if your pet names were positive and loving. Would you consider trying do do that for me?"

Good luck. It is hard to change the way we think.

I'm going to agree with Brandi F. If you love your husband you can't pit a bunch of unknown women from some website against him! That will never end well.
You know him, hear his tone and know that he loves his baby girl. If the tone is wrong... have a chat. Not about the words he is using but about what might be bugging him. If the tone is wrong it is a symptom of something else cause you know it is not a lack of love on his part. If he is upset or stressed about something then chances are you will notice it in other behaviors also. Remember you and your husband are the ultimate TEAM. The best self esteem you can give your little girl is a great relationship model of you and especially her daddy, together, in all you do. Doesn't mean you always agree but you still have to operate as a TEAM. Those times show the most compelling example of all.
Happy Parenting!

M., I agree with you that it is wrong and will be hurtful later when she understands the words. Your husband would be wise to stop now as it will only become a habit. Maybe try to have him think back when he was a young boy, what would he hear from his parents? Encouraging words or demeaning words? Ask him which is more beneficial to a child's self esteem? Have him be in "her place" what would he want to hear from his parents since we are the ones they look to as how they see themselves. Hope this helps! Also remind him that fathers GREATLY influence a girls life! Have him look at the positives and not focus on the negatives

I mostly agree with the comments other people have been making. The only caveat I would add, is you didn't say anything about his tone of voice, and that makes a BIG difference in how the situation is evaluated. My husband will call my kids "turnip head" and other names, but he is saying it in an endearing, loving voice. If he was saying it in a deriding, harsh, condemning voice, it's a whole different issue. If your husband is saying these names in a loving sweet voice, he's already on the right track and probably just figuring out his father/daughter relationship. What kind of family did he grow up in? Some families really use nicknames as terms of endearment. That being said, it shouldn't be too hard of a jump to choose less demeaning words. He doesn't even have to use girly, saccharine things like "princess." Nonsense words can sometimes be the best nicknames of all. My husband calls our oldest, "zoobie" and it's a special bond between the two of them, she gets upset if he slips and calls her little sister that, because it's HER name, and she doesn't let me call her that, only Daddy.I absolutely think open communication is your best bet in improving the situation. Just asking him not to do it, isn't communicating much. I thought this was GREAT advice:

"For example, you could say something like, "When I hear you use that name with our baby, I feel sad/angry/worried/annoyed/_______. I'm afraid that she will come to believe you don't love her/value her/see what is wonderful about her/_________. And I am concerned that she will learn to use similar terms when she speaks to others. I would feel so much better if your pet names were positive and loving. Would you consider trying do do that for me?"

Good luck!

Hi M.
Calling any one names that are demeaning is like placing into them a poison pill. The 10 month old does not know what the words mean now, but she does understand the energy that comes with the word. Later in life she will understand the meaning and than it will affect her the rest of her life. How would your husband like be called these same things and or other words like jerk, numnuts, fat head, just for a few. I would bet when some one flips him off he gets real anamated. This shows disrespect for you and your girl. Do you blow it off when he disrespects you? Ether in privet or public. It is safe for him to vent on a 10 month year old but it is causing mental damage, apparently in both you and your girl. Yes he needs to stop this disrespect to the ones he says he loves. I have a saying especally when it comes to men and that is "Actions speak louder than words but words give the opportunity to walk the talk" Words have power.

I didn't have this issue with my hubby, but we've had other ones. I think our first one was about the way he talked to our son when he was a baby. He spoke in such a curt, direct way and would instruct the baby to "hold still" and other commands. My son didn't respond well to him at all. He genuinely didn't think what he was doing was a concern, potential problem, etc. The hell of it is that my husband baby talks to dogs. All the time. In fact, anytime a warrant had to be served on a house with guard dogs MY hubby was always called to assist because he would be able to baby talk the most obnoxious dogs into submission. So, after bitching at him for a couple of months over the way he would talk to my son, I finally sat down and discussed it with him. I pointed out that he uses baby talk with dogs, but talks to our actual baby the way a drill instructor talks to a recruit and I asked him why. He told me that he hadn't wanted to talk to his son the way he talks to the dog! (picture me smacking myself in the forehead at this point!) I carefully pointed out to him that it's called "baby talk" for a reason . . . and it's because it's the way most people talk to babies. And since it's BABY talk (and not "doggie talk"), it was completely okay to use it with a BABY! Things got better right away.

We've had a couple of other hiccups. I've just found that if I talk to him about why he's doing it, and explain to him about why it might not be the "best" thing - he usually corrects himself.

(The latest one involved the statement "I got kicked in the nuts." My five year old has just started Kindergarten and blurted out that little gem the other day. When I corrected him with the word "privates," my oldest promptly said "but that's what DADDY says!" [sigh] I explained to my hubby that we don't need the Kindergarten teacher calling to discuss Alek's word choices! He agreed!)

It's all a great big learning curve for Daddys. They tend not to have the sensitivity and intuitions that we have. And babies are alien creatures to 'em. You can't just ask them not to do something. You have to provide an explanation about WHY they shouldn't do it. Men tend to be logical and tend to respond better to when an issue is presented logically - rather than to be simply told not to do something.

We used to call my son "pooper" when he was a baby but we gradually tapered off as we didn't want that to catch on among his peers (or him) once the words started coming. So maybe ask him if he'd like to hear another child call her those names, etc. Nicknames can stick.

You are right that this is a problem. ''Tank, Cry baby Big Baby, Wimp''' ---. These are put downs - from THE most powerful, needed, important man in her life for decades to come. '''doesn't mean it in a hurtful way''???????????? So why arent the names''' princess''' ''' ''my best little buddy'' ''' Her Majesty''' little star''' '''' beloved''.

Either he is trying to make her '''one of his buddies'' or they are simply to ''put her in her place'' they are NOT good for her. What he is doing hurts her. As tiny as she is she knows the tone he says these things in is not loving and are not admiration, kindness, love, or affection. It will be years before she can even SAY these words- much less define them- but I promise - I promise- she gets the message -- and the message is a put down. He is too powerful in her life to do that. If he is displeased with her - he needs to ask himself what the DICKENS gives him the right to disapprove of a little baby.

I've been raising children for 40 years as a parent, teacher, grandparent - and I promise - you are right- it's a big deal.

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka - J.

You are right that he should stop calling her such names. It shows disrespect for her. Possibly you could call him a few names and see how he likes to hear it. She may grow up to disrespect her father as she gets older if he doesn't stop.

M.,
I haven't had this issue, but what mean spirited things to call anyone.

I'm curious to see what others have come up with to overcome this issue.

I wish you well and pray that he realized how hurtful his words can be. (If it continues I can see self esteem issues for your daughter.)

Best of luck.

It doesn't say how old you daughter is but I am assuming she is not a baby. You are right that is wrong for him to do that and it is only going to make her have a bad self image of herself. She will believe these names are true.

Does your husband not see the problem with calling her names like that? If he doesn't then I would get a small tape recorder and tape him saying that stuff to her and have him listen to it. Do it so he doesn't have any idea that your are taping him. He will then hear how mean, hurtful, damaging and unappropriate he sounds. When someone hears themselves it really helps to "see" how damaging their words are. Hope that helps.

At 10 months old, she will be picking up words soon. You don't want her to learn how to use those. Why is he afraid to be soft and sensitive to her? Is he mad that she was a girl and not a boy? It sounds like he needs to grow up. Send him to a parenting class.

Hi M.,
Ask him to come up with names that express his love to her like love bug, my little princes and etc. My husband did something like that but not for too long. I came up with the idea calling our son different nick names every week or so. I would say: "No, this week his nick name is little treasure, or the most handsome boy in the world, or little bugger or whatever." I did make it a game and did let him pick up nick names too. He really got into the game and came up with quite few cute nick names. Don't expect too much but the guys like competitive games and he might surprise you. If you don't like the nick name try things like: "Oh, how can you call a wimp such a pretty girl. Don't you love her?" or something similar. Good luck!