My Teen Son Is ok.now.

Hi C.,

Can I offer you a little advice not as a mom but as a son whose mom used to "get involved" in my dating life?

Don't.

Be supportive as I'm sure you are. Be there to talk when he wants to. Have the birds and the bees talk if you haven't already. It does help just to know you care.

But other than on his terms....let it be. He'll get hurt, as it sounds like he has already to some degree. But with every hurt, he'll learn a little more about life and love. And yes it's probably hard to watch as a mom or dad....but I know I would not have been ready to marry and love the incredible woman that I ended up with if it hadn't been for all the "loved and lost" relationships that came before her.

It will happen for him. But he is still very young. Let him live his own life in this...just like I had to....and you had too. Just that fact that you are there and trying to help him means he has all the support he'll ever need in this.

Hope this helps ease your mind even a little.

You're right - there's really nothing you can do, which as the mother of a junior, too - I'm finding is the hardest thing. Does he have other guy friends who aren't going to Homecoming? Maybe suggest a guy's night out - get him out of the house, hanging with his friends, and he'll probably have more fun that way anyway. As far as him blaming you - just don't allow it. He can be angry, sure, but not at you.

When my daughter was 14 she stood up by her date the day before fall formal, he told her he didn't want to go. That was after we bought a dress, shoes, had her nails done, bought her ticket and had her hair and make-up appt for the next day. She was crushed but went anyway alone. She called us after a half hour to pick her up, it was too hard to be there alone. We even talked to this boy's parents and they couldn't or wouldn't talk any sense into him.

We still look at those pictures from that day and she gets sad remembering how she felt.

It's so difficult to watch your teen be so excited and then be so heartbroken when immature friends don't do the right thing.

Are you sure he isn't the one breaking up with the girls? You said he is shy...He may be scared to death to dance or something like that. I usually see it the other way around...boys break up with girls before major holidays (Christmas, Valentines) and dances like homecoming. The girls are usually excited about it and pick out their dresses one month in advance! I would be very upset if I knew my daughter was dating someone that wouldn't pay for dates. Remember that he learns how to treat girls from you and your husband...how would you like to be treated?
L. ;-)

Hi C.,

I am concerned with the notion that your son aged 14-16 is already being manipulated by girls and is getting a very damaged self concept due to this.

It seems to me that too much emphasis is being put on the 'homecoming dance' at the expense of getting a healthy grip on life through sports or hobbies.

We live in a world that has sexualized everything and especially our children. It is a very, very unhealthy place.

My advice is that the homecoming dance be relegated to a NON-event.

Try to focus his interests on things and activities that build him as a person. Try to help him see himself truly and gain a good self concept rather than allowing users to manipulate him and make him feel 'less than'. He will meet people who become friends and perhaps through friendship will find lasting relationships that are built in a healthy fashion through commonality and sharing.

Obviously this is not a fast fix. The gains will out weigh the work. His psyche is being negatively affected by these shallow people and if you have a sway now is the time to use it.

T. Gilden
Mom/Grandma
Detroit MI
Toronto CA

C.,

My son is only 2 1/2 so I don't know exactly what you are going through, but my mother-in-law never has really liked me, and never liked or was never nice too- any of my husband's girlfriends and it has caused hugh problems. We are just now getting back to a semi-normal relationship after having no contact with her for several years. Anyway, it sounds like your intentions are good and you don't want your child hurt, which is absolutely understandable. My advice (and hopefully I'll follow it too...) is to be accepting of all the girls your son brings home so that he will talk to you and come to you with problems. Don't judge him when the break-ups occur, tell him you're sorry and ask how he feels. My brother dated some strange girls, and as much as my parent's hated it, they were also welcomed into our house and treated with kindness...so at least when it didn't work out my brother never blamed my parents.

Good luck... I'm sure this is a hard and frustrating experience.