Mom, I HATE YOU!

Updated on July 09, 2007
L.C. asks from Everett, WA
6 answers

I need some support here! Does your child say words like, "I hate you!," or "You aren't my friend anymore," or "I'm gonna run away!" Well, both my girls have said these things off and on and because I know they don't really mean it-they are just trying to get attention or get a rise out of me and/or because they are kids and don't know how to express their anger/frustion/etc appropriately I try not to make a huge deal about and just try to teach them something more appropriate to say-like I'm mad at you because...or I feel sad because, etc.

Well. my friend has two children the same age and she said my oldest daughter "always" says "You're not my friend anymore" to her daughter and her daughter comes home "crying" about it. She is all up in arms about it and told her daughter not to play with her if she says it again. That's understandable I guess but my friend said "We don't talk like that at our house" and makes it sound like our kids are bullies because they say those things. I thought it was fairly normal for kids to say things like that every once in a while. In fact I've heard kids do it all the time when I worked in childcare for 10 years. In face I heard my friend's kids say it before but I didn't make a big deal about it.

Please let me know your thoughts on this.

I just recently ordered a book online called "Mom, I Hate You"- and I haven't received it yet but it talks about this very issue. There IS a reason kids talk like that and even though it's incredibly frustrating I want to know how to appropriately deal with it. I'd love to share the info. with my friend who thinks my kids are terrible for saying "You aren't my friend anymore!"

Oh, I even heard Elmo say "Zoe, you're not my friend anymore" on the movie Elmo in Grouchland because Zoe wouldn't give his blanket back. We all know Elmo is not a bully and he IS friends with ZOe. He just got upset. :)

Any advice on what to say to my friend?

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M.M.

answers from Portland on

Hey Lori,

My DD is only 18 months, but I've worked in childcare and I know it's VERY common for children to say, "I hate you, mom" or "You're not my friend." Most of the time, it is the child's way of trying to express strong emotions. The fact that you're trying to teach your children to use more appropriate language, such as "I'm mad because..." is great. I've done the same thing when working with children.

As for your friend, my guess is that her "mama bear" is kicking in whenever her daughter comes home crying -- as mothers, we want to protect our children so much and when our child cries over what another child said or did, it can be hard to keep our perspective. Even though my DD is only 18 months, I've already felt that mama bear in me!!

I would first try to put myself in her shoes -- how would you feel if your daughter always came home crying after playing with her daughter? Even if you KNEW the other little girl was just acting her age and you could admit to yourself that your daughter wasn't always a perfect angel, it would probably be hard to not feel just a little bit angry at the other child.

That being said, I think your friend did overreact. If her daughter does not want to play with your daughter, she has every right to say so and the adults should honor her request. Otherwise, her daughter should be taught ways to appropriately confront your daughter the next time she says, "you're not my friend anymore." I don't know how old they both are, but perhaps something like, "that hurts." or "that makes me sad/angry" or "If you're not my friend, then I don't want to play with you." The BEST situation would be for an adult to mediate the conversation.

Your daughter needs to learn how her words affect other people and your friend's daughter needs to learn how to stand up for herself, rather than just crying to her mother. (I don't blame her for crying or going to her mother, after all she's just a little girl -- it would just be good for her to be shown other ways of handling the situation).

I hope this helps. It sounds like you're a great mom! And there's nothing wrong with your daughters (or with you) for saying things like, "I hate you" or "I don't want to be your friend." Heck, most adults are still stuck at that level!!!

M.

2 moms found this helpful
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K.L.

answers from Portland on

well, luckily my son hasn't said that...being that he's only 22 and 1/2 months. but i know what you mean about the elmo saying that to zoe on elmo in grouchland. i have that movie memorized now!
i think you're right. kids just say what they think, they haven't quite learned how to think before they speak yet.
When you were a kid, did you invite a freind to your birthday party and then they did something to make you mad and you said "you're not invited to my party anymore!" I think it might be kind of the same thing.
However, I'm no expert on kids. my son is my first adn other kids tend to bug me ( i'm not a kid person) however, all children need love and appropriate discipline.
I hope that helped!
K.

1 mom found this helpful
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E.M.

answers from Portland on

Oh yes, the "your not my friend" stage. My little boy is 4 and I hear him say that to everyone in our family. I just say "well you will always be my friend" and I will give him a little hug and just leave him alone to cool down. Sometimes he says "you’re not invited to my birthday party" he has heard other children say this at daycare and knows it hurts to have it said to him...so now he uses that as a weapon. I always like to ask… why aren't I invited to your party? or did I hurt your heart? When children or adults feel threatened they will fire back if they have not learned how to communicate effectively.

What I mean by threatened: scared/inadequate/not good enough/not smart enough...this will make the child fire back with hurtful sayings.

Roll play with your husband or puppets and communicate like you would want them to express themselves as children. They need to see how to handle their feelings. repeat/repeat/repeat
em

1 mom found this helpful
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K.S.

answers from Seattle on

Hi Lori,

Well i am not sure about your spirituality, but God teaches us it is ok to not like the behavior. So, i have said i hate your behavior, but i love you...or vice versa. I think all children go through these stages. If my child responds to me negatively, i say a positive statement back. I always reinforce how much i love her. Also, Children understand a lot more then we give them credit for at times. I have learned to really edit my own behavior as well as what i say. It has been a tough lesson at times. Bless you and your children. :) Sounds like you are a very devoted mom. :)

Katherine

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K.W.

answers from Spokane on

With my son, he was three when he started the I Hate thing, It broke my heart, even though I knew he had no clue how powerful of a word it is, I just told him it was bad word and that he couldn't say it. So I don't know if it works on kids who are older, for older kids I would suggest helping them understand how powerful of a word Hate is, as far as your not my frined as mother I do not believe we are their frinds we are their parents and not friends. I mean not to say we arent' ging to love them and have fun, but lets face it our parents arent' our friend the are our momos and dads that why they call us mom and dad and not friend

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

It is normal for kids and even sometimes adults to say such things. I agree that the reason for this is that they don't know how to express their anger in a more productive way and that telling them alternatives at the same time as making it no big deal is the best way to handle it. Saying these words is not being a bully. But I don't know of any way to convince your neighbor of this unless she is willing to discuss it with an open mind.

I've heard my granddaughter say this to a couple of friends during kindergarten and first grade. She said it fairly often to her "best" friend whom she calls her adopted sister or cousin because the mothers are good friends. In all of the situations I've seen the kids response to "you're not my friend andymore" is to walk away. I have playground duty and I see them playing together within 10 minutes or so. Walking away at the moment seems logical to me. It does hurt to hear those words and by walking away they are providing a logical consequence to the other's words.

Sometimes my granddaughter is hurt when someone says it to her which gives me an opportunity to suggest that now that she knows how it hurts perhaps she could work on not saying it herself and then later talking about other ways to express her emotions. It seems that her "best friend" and my granddaughter do fight less often but I suspect that is in part because they are more mature. They're entering second grade in the fall. Just as kids go through physical stages of growth from being unable to even turn over to running they go through emotional stages of growth.

Perhaps a book talking about the emotional growth of children might help your friend. I don't know the one you ordered but it sounds like it might help your friend to understand the dynamics and be able to reassure her daughter that the "I hate you" or "you're not my friend anymore" is only temporary.
Also that by reassuring her daughter and discussing ways to handle this she is teaching her how to deal with her own emotions.

Perhaps your friend sees the world more in black and white than shades of gray and she herself doesn't know how to handle this sort of situation. If so she is bound to be defensive and unwilling to see a different view. This means that your approach needs to be more indirect than talking directly with her. I'd suggest that after you've read the book that you say in passing that she has raised your concern about this issue and that you found this book to be helpful. Don't state your case or try to defend your daughter or even your own reactions to it.

One theory that I have found useful even tho I can't always act upon it is that the more we fight against something the stronger that something becomes. Often when we back off it allows the other person space in which to review her own beliefs.

I think, in this situation, I would tell my daughter that this mother's view is another way of looking at the words and that even tho you don't agree with it you will honor it. I expect that within a short time the two girls are playing together again.

It just struck me that your friend is responding to the "you're not my friend anymore" statement by also saying "you're not my friend anymore" when she says that her daughter can't play with your daughter. Friendship also involves both fun times and difficult times. It sounds like the two of you are remaining friends and if so the two of you are providing her an example of how to deal with the difficult times. Perhaps discussing this idea, which is less judgemental and in fact gives a positive message to her, might work. First tell her that even tho you disagree you will accept her boundary.

Also explain the issue of differing ways of looking at things with your daughter. I realize that I'm assuming that the girls are school age. But even if they are toddlers a reassuring message to your daughter would be helpful for her self-esteem.

I'm seeing a broader scope of ways to handle this as I type. My first reaction, if I was in your position, would be to be defensive myself and angry because this seems so unfair to my daughter. My second step would be to "fix" the situation by trying to change my friend's belief. Over the years I've finally realized that I can't "fix" most situations by trying to change the other person. The only person I have any control over is myself. And some situations do provide me with the opportunity to teach children how to feel powerful by accepting the other's viewpoint no matter how unreasonable it is by figuring out how to take care of one's self instead of focusing on changing the other person. This is a very hard concept to grasp and act upon. It's taken me years of learning about boundaries and how to make my own boundaries to be able to handle conflicts in this way.

And I still am not able to do it at least half the time because my emotional reaction is to "fight" back by showing them that their belief or action is erroneous and/or unfair. I usually do this in a teaching mode, intellectual with my emotions "in control," (I was a high school teacher many many years ago) Even tho I think I'm being reasonable it usually doesn't work unless I first acknowledge the other's feelings and beliefs as being reasonable from their viewpoint and even tho I don't agree with them I accept their right to hold them. It may take days or even weeks of accepting their beliefs in this manner before they can relax enough to listen to your beliefs. I find it difficult to be patient.

So, in this situation, I would tell my friend just that. And I would talk with my daughter about ways to handle the situation. If she's a preschooler, I'd just say something to the effect that not being allowed to play with her friend does hurt and reassure her that she is a good child in spite of the angry words. Then when emotions have cooled down and your friend seems amenable to a further discussion or an acceptance of loaning her the book do that.

I hope this helps. I've used too many words but I don't have time to edit it. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

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