My Son Is 17 and Dating a Girl Who Is His 1St Love, Shes Just Using Him! Help

Most likely, you won't get your son "out of this". He's young, immature (most 17 year old boys are), and she is a good enough storyteller to get you to become her source of shelter, food, and WiFi. If you, as a mom, fell for her lies imagine what a boy of 17 has believed. You have the life experience to have seen through the smoke screen. He doesn't yet.

But, from what I read, you're accommodating her on every level. You haven't drawn any boundaries! I think I'd like to move in with you too, because apparently I could be rude but get cooked-to-order meals, have free access to the WiFi you pay for, and have no responsibilities! What a break for me that would be!

So until you make her life uncomfortable, you will continue to make her comfortable. When you password-restrict the WiFi, stop cooking homemade meals to order, stop purchasing food she likes, change the locks, and demonstrate to your son how not to be a doormat to an abusive free-loading person, she will get the message. So far you've been her accomplice and enabler in her little games. Perhaps she does come from a damaging home situation and perhaps no one has ever shown her boundaries with kindness, which is NOT the same as boundaries with cruelty.

In the future, you should not become friends with your teen son's girlfriends. You should remain your son's parent. I'm not saying to remove yourself, but there's a difference between kindly getting to know your child's love interest and becoming a friend. Even when your son gets married someday, you won't be your daughter-in-law's best friend. You may enjoy wonderful times with her, and she may choose to share news of her life with you, and you may enjoy a wonderful in-law relationship, but her peers and her friends will be her friends. You may offer her a wealth of knowledge about marriage, babies, careers, etc, and that's ok if the situation is appropriate and you both are receptive to that, but it's not the same as a "friend".

So, I suggest you focus on protecting your home and family, not catering to this girl's wants, treating her kindly but firmly, establishing some ground rules and boundaries, and having a talk with your son. Apologize for not being the mom you should have been, and encourage him to take a clear look at his girlfriend. Do not trash her or complain or point out all her flaws - you'll drive him further away. Encourage him to do what you're doing: looking at the situation with fresh eyes and being bold enough to do what's right while maintaining kindness and decency.

I am confused.
You say that her house is a CPS case...yet you said that she is living with you.
But YOU are living with YOUR parents?
So really your 17 year old son, your 4 month old daughter, your parents, and your son's girlfriend are all living in your parent's home?
God bless your parents.
There's nothing you can do. Your son will probably have to figure it out himself.
I highly suggest that you quit badmouthing the girlfriend and just let your son know that you love him, you support him, you are proud of him, and that he deserves happiness. Let him know that you are always there to help him if he needs it. Then leave it alone.

As others have said, you've allowed her to live there. It's time to set a deadline for her to leave. The house is too small for an extra person who doesn't pull her weight, and you tell her that you've put her up in an emergency but it's clear she's extremely competent and almost 19 so you're sure she'll find a place of her own or go back home to whatever home she left. You tell her there is no room for someone who is costing you all so much money.

Your son is not responsible for her cutting herself. She needs help or she's thriving on guilt and drama. Neither one is your fault.

Don't ban him from seeing her because he will just run to her. But she's got to move out.

Have you made sure your son has seen a physician and gotten really good advice/counsel about sexual health and contraception? The last thing you need is this woman getting pregnant.

If she has a key to the house, get it back or change the locks. I know it's expensive but you must.

If she doesn't have a place to hang out all the time, she may either get a job or lose interest in your son.

Your son is 17 and out of school, and working full time? Is he contributing to the household expenses or is all his money going to her? Put your foot down about that.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. It really sounds like you don't have much control over anything in your life - but this is a huge drain on your mother and you have to be more responsible than that. You think this girl is taking advantage of you, but you're taking advantage of your own mother who is giving you a roof over your head, cooking meals and watching your baby when you can't. Be a better person to her and you will demand better treatment of yourself.

I didn't realize she lives with you. You have the right for peace in your house. You have the right to decide who lives in your house. Yes, tell her and your son this isn't working out and she has to find another place to live. Make the moving out about her and your relationship with her. Again, leave your son out of it. She has to leave because of the way she treats you. LeAve your son to make his own decis on about his relationship with her. Some of my first post still applies so I'm leaving it.

Yes, she's mentally ill. I urge you and your son get help in understanding her illness and how you're not responsible for her choices. I'm guessing you're conflicted with the decision about requiring her to be responsible because you are protecting your son and because you are concerned about her welfare.

Requiring her to be responsible is important to everyone in your home. Giving her a pass, as you've experienced, builds resentment and an unhappy home.

Because your son tried to breakup with her before. I suggest he will welcome your involvement even if he doesn't sat so. He may feel he needs to keep up a front;thus placing the blame on you. Don't try to defend yourself. Be the mom, in control of your home.
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This is a lesson he has to learn for himself. The more you criticize her, the more yo try to separate them, the more he will cling to her. We all are heart broken before we are more mature. This is a right of passage for him. Just be there for him. Don't complain about his first love. Know this will end. He will then learn more about relationships.

You know she's glued to her phone abound not helpful. So approach her dufferently. Would you let your child act this way? How did you teach your son to be responsible?

I suggest that you ask her to help and provide consequences for her when she doesn't. Leave your son out of it. If you ask and she doesn't set the table, hand her the dishes. I taught my daughter to st the table by putting the dishes and cutlery on the table while she stood near me. Make it difficult for her to not help.

I would tell your son and her, that they have to give you their phones when they are in your house. If your son isn't glued to his phone, you still have to take his so that he doesn't think you're picking on her.

Then ask her to help, over and over. She may be more helpful without the phone. If not, your son will see her in the way she doesn't help even when asked.

Where is your son when she's on the phone? Does he back you up by asking her the help? What is your routine with ypur son? Do you ask him for help and he helps? If not, ask for his help even when she's not there. Train your son first.

Never criticize her. BE friendly. Be firm about asking for help. Treat her in a similar way you treat your son. Everyone helps. No one plays on their phone. Praise her when she helps. Let your son see for himself the girl's charcter.

At 19 she is legally an adult. ShE is not an adult emotionally. So stop thinking of her as an adult. Expect her to not comply. How will you treat your son at 19, if he were not responsible? Would you let him sit and play on the phone. Because she is not your daughter, you have to be more indirect. Just ssk her to help snd expect that she will. Show her what you want her to do. Like putting the dishes on the table and reminding her to set the table.

Remember this is your home. You are in chargE and have responsibilty to manage in a way that you choose. Make this about your relationship with her. Leave your son out of it.

Your son needs help to learn he is not responsible for her cutting. I suggest cutting is a way to manipulate and may be a part of a psychological make up. A mental illness. I suggest that your son talk with someone who can help him understand he is not responsible for her choices.

unless you want to push them together into a solid little unit allied against you, i suggest you bite it back and stop trying to break them up.
she sounds awful, but your son has got to experience relationships both good and bad and learn his own lessons from them.
is he asking for your advice and input about this girl? i'm guessing not. and without that, you are entering micro-managey overly-involved mommy dearest territory.
you don't have to cater to her. you don't have to cook her special meals, and you certainly shouldn't leave her in charge of your baby.
did it really hurt you for her to use your wifi? if she doesn't fold your son's clothes, how is that your problem?
there are some genuinely worrisome things here, assuming you're being truthful, but there's a lot of petty bs as well.
'how do i get her away from him?'
you're his mother, not a rival girlfriend. you back off, and trust that in 17 years you've instilled enough good sense in him to figure it out for himself eventually.
it sucks, but there it is.
khairete
S.

I couldn't figure out the living arrangements yesterday when I read this so thanks for your SWH. Now I get it :)

I think you've sent mixed messages to your son. You allowed her to live there, to not help out, to have tantrums, and to use YOU. You have modeled this behavior for your son. Now you don't want him to be used by her.

I would set limits as to how often she can visit. I do that with my kids' friends. Say no when you don't want her over.

To me - it's your 17 year old you have to say no to. Kids (especially teens) need boundaries. She should not have been allowed to live with you. I don't get that. No teenager should have his girlfriend living at the same house at age 17. I imagine you were helping her out, but that is not your responsibility.

So stop what you are doing. She comes over when you are ok with it. If you don't want her using the wifi, you say "no electronics" or whatever - when you want to. You say "if you guys want to eat dinner, help out - so and so, you look after the salad".

I would let her whole family, her personality, etc. go for the time being. Stop focusing on her and your annoyance at her, and look after your son. If he finds that attractive (being manipulated and used) then help build up his esteem. Your son needs to know he deserves more and that he's worthy of more. That you are looking out for his best interests.

The more you talk her down to your son the more he will want to defend her. You need to simply ask questions of him in a super innocent sounding way. "wow you really take a lot of care of "Susie". I'm sure she's good to you and taking care of you as well. Does she make you happy?" Or things like, when do you two plan to move your relationship forward? or, what are the things that you do together that are the most fun? If you could do anything to improve your relationship what would you do? The more you embrace her, the more likely he is to see her for what she is. For now he's just seeing that you're making a villian out of her and he will defend her to the death.

You're pretty much stuck.
It's a sure bet they are having sex and there's not much you can do to turn his head away from that - it's not his brains he's thinking with.
Don't say anything against her, but talk about other young ladies and he's young enough to play the field and not settle down with one person - he should be having fun with his friends.
From the youngest age I've always told my son not to be in such a rush to get into exclusive relationships and intensive dating will get in the way of his grades and college plans.
I tell him he'll have plenty of women after him when he's making a great salary and he'll have a good chance of meeting educated women at college - and an educated wife with a career is a great help mate to go through life with.
As far as inheritance goes - tell him you intend to spend it all and have a ball - and the check to the under taker should bounce.
Tell it to him like you mean it, he'll believe it - and so she'll believe it.
You worked hard for it - don't allow your son to think there will be anything from you.
In the mean time arrange a trust for him that will handle doling out what ever inheritance you intend for him at various stages of his life - at 25, at 45, for his retirement, etc - and don't let him know about it.
Even if he doesn't stay with her - letting it out in small stages over his life will keep it from being blown all at once.
If she's still living with you - evict her.
If she's in your home - turn off your wifi when ever you want to - before you go to bed, when you leave the house, etc.
If you're not using it - it doesn't need to be on.
She can surf the web at the library.

He has to make his own choices if he is an adult or nearly an adult. I assume he's older than her and not in high school.

As for you. You do not have to be around her. You can make excuses for the family dinners and just not invite her over. If she comes to your house do not let her in. If she spends the night then tell your son he must spend the night at her house if he wants to sleep with her.

He'll find a way to do what he wants to do and hopefully when he's having to do it all the time then he will get tired of it.

As for his items? He should be doing his own laundry care and taking care of his own room and things. He's as dependent on you as she is on him....sorry, but doing his laundry? He should be doing it himself. And cleaning his room and even cooking for himself.