My Neighboor Is Not Disciplining Her Violent Child.

First, I would not allow my child to play with another child that is violent and apparently has no rules or consequences. If they do continue to play together at all, make sure that you closely supervise them and if he acts up - take your daughter and leave. Make sure you tell both the boy and his mother why you are leaving "(insert childs name), we are going home now because you hit (daughter) and that's not how you treat your friends. (daughter) doesn't play with children who hit. Maybe next time you will remember not to hit your friends" and to the mother.. "We are leaving because your son is hitting my daughter and I dont feel that she can continue playing today."

Second, you need to speak up - tell your neighbor why your daughter isn't playing with her child. She will most likely deny that her child has a problem. Give specific examples (date and incident) of when the bad behavior has occured. Maybe she is blind to it, but she could also be overwhelmed or afraid of disciplining her child. If she seems open to it, offer some suggestions - and tell her that since she hasnt been discipling him, it might take a little while for it to work once she starts.

Third, do not punish the child because of his mother's inability to parent him. I guess not allowing your daughter to play with him is sort of punishing him, but that's more to protect your daughter. If you see him behaving nicely when they do play together (or even when they're not), don't be afraid to compliment him. ("(insert name here), you're sharing so nicely! thank you for being such a good sharer!" or "(insert name), you're doing such a good job of playing nicely with (daughters name). I like when you play nicely - thank you!") Children, especially at that age, need a lot of attention - and to them, bad attention is better that no attention. Even though his mother fails to parent him, it will help him if you give him positive feedback. Remember that he is innoncent in this - if his mother doesnt tell him that he cant hit, or that it's not nice/allowed... then how is he supposed to know??

Dear M.,

You are not alone! We, too, have a mom/family like this in our neighborhood. I did not realize that other families felt the same way about them for a long time. I also have a hard time figuring out how to address a problem when it pops up -- usually I am so caught off guard that I'm just stunned into silence -- and then I don't say anything and just go home mad. Basically, I suggest what many others have said. First, minimize contact with the family, even if that means that you need to make some changes to your schedule. This really bothered me for a while, but then I just decided that it was the best thing for my kids, who were really picking up some bad behaviors. Then, when you do have contact, be prepared with what you might have to say to her kids so it won't be such a surprise. I say a lot of "we don't do this, we don't do that" and it doesn't sound like such a criticism of the other family. I also try to watch the neighbor's kids very closely when they are around to catch them before things get really out of hand. I also worked very hard at finding other children for my kids to play with. Now we are busy with new friends and really don't miss the others at all. Good luck!

I have been having a similar problem. My neighbor also is very violent and I realized it was effecting my middle son. The neighbor is 7 and my son is 5. I also am quiet and shy and it took me a while to say something, but I recently had to do it. I was fed up with it. I informed her that my son will no longer be playing with her child since her son's behavior is effecting my son negatively. She was extremely surprised and is not speaking to me now, but I don't care because I realized that I had to get over my shyness for my son no matter how uncomfortable this was for me. Since I have done this, my son's behavior has changed and he also has made some new friends who are very similar to him. He no longer asks to play with the next door neighbor and luckily the neighbor has found someone else to terrorize on our block. I am just glad it's not us anymore.

I think Skye has very good advice. Do not say anything sarcastic, it won't do any good and could make things worse. Just be factual about the situation when you remove yourself and your child from a situation that is not appropriate. Good luck.

I think she is saying those things to unnerve you because she realizes that your daughter isn't around as much as she used to be with her son. She is purposely trying to get you to second guess yourself concerning your parenting ability because she realizes hers is lacking terribly. Maybe she feels that you think your a perfect mom since you won't let your daughter be mauled by her son.

Either way as long as you are disciplining your child I would not take a second longer to even think about any comment she makes. Being obnoxious back to her just gives her more power but it is hard not to say anything back. Our children will act up and scream once in awhile no matter what we do especially at two years old. From experience I can tell you that you want to keep your child seperated from these children. She will continue to pick up their bad habits if you don't.

My niece and nephew love to run through the house screaming and tear up things every chance they get. When my son and my other nephew spend too much time with them it takes time for me to reorganize their thinking so they don't keep doing the same things their cousins like to do. I do not tolerate screaming through the house or hitting from any of the children but it takes discipline and time to get my little men back to the proper thinking. Don't make yourself or your child suffer through that if you don't have too.

M.,

I too have a neighbor that is gossipy and has rude, mean, children. I do not talk to her and do not allow my kids to play with her kids. I am a mom first - being friends with someone I do not respect at all and whose parenting skills are awful is not my idea of a good time. Everyone in the nieghborhood thinks she is a big joke--except her of course. I bet your neighbors think little of this mom and her kids and do not believe or listen to anything that comes from her mouth.

I find some of these answers are very negative and judgmental. When dealing with others don't use sarcasm as a way to communicate. Either approach the mom and son in a positive light. Correct the child if needed when you're around them, and don't waste your energy on being negative! I know this is true for me.

It's hard to say what's going on without knowing more about the people and the situation, but one thing does seem clear - it doesn't make you happy to be around this neighbor. Maybe you can change your routine to avoid her for a while. Who knows, in six months her child might be a better playmate.

If you do have to be around her socially, I'll give you the method I use when I have to be around some family members who are judgmental/nosy. Smile politely, don't engage in any personal talk or answer their questions - keep it to the weather, etc. - and use these phrases when you have to: "that won't work for me," "that's what we've decided for our family."

Also, if it's a playgroup situation, I wouldn't hesitate to step in and tell the boy that "we don't hit" or whatever if his mother isn't taking care of it. Maybe it will be good for him to hear it from someone else.

My advice is not to be sarcastic but to be flat out honest with her the next time there is an incident. The truth will probably hurt but it's better than getting all worked up about it. The worst that can happen is you upset her to the point she doesn't want to associate with you anymore - but then you don't have to avoid her anymore, right? Good luck.

M.,

What is most important to you? Making friends and not being the butt of gossip or raising your child right and to the best of your abilities? Next time you are bothered by the neighbors mouth or behavior, walk away. If you find yourself engaged in a debate, tell her that you are sorry she feels like this and you know what is best for you and ...walk away. If she is open enough to hear your thoughts on her discipline etc...then do share them with her. I would not allow my child to play with the likes of this family because I have an overwhelming need to protect mine. There in lies your dilema. Readjust your backbone. Your family is so worth it. With heartfelt sincerity.......K.