Got off on Wrong Foot with New Neighbor...

I'm gonna tell you to be the bigger person here, H., and let this go. It sounds like you've made the one concession that you could under the circumstances and anything else would simply be forcing your children to not act like....well, children. And that's not fair for anyone.

I think the main issue here is that you can't stand the idea that someone has unfairly judged and dislikes you. And who can blame you? Most people want to be liked. Heck, I'd even take being IGNORED over getting chewed out by a complete stranger for no reason.

So your neighbor decided to rake you over the coals that day rather than communicate with you as one adult to another. Instead of reaching out to you in kindness and sharing her concerns, she judged you and jumped to all the wrong conclusions before dumping her list of complaints on your lap. (To be fair, though, you are also jumping to conclusions regarding HER children's activities, so I guess we can all fall into that pit once in a while.) Honestly, most of us get annoyed at our neighbors for one reason or another but good manners usually keep us in check. This woman obviously has none.

All that being said, who's problem is this really? Because it's certainly not yours. So why are you getting so hung up on it? You've got a cranky neighbor, so what? Do the best you can to keep the peace and get on with your life. You don't have to lose sleep over the idea that this lady doesn't care for you...she probably doesn't care for a LOT of people. How much power are you willing to give her, anyway?

Rather than doing something sarcastic (like warning her of impending noises), take this as an opportunity to teach your kids to "turn the other cheek" and not let negative people get them down. And rest easy knowing that, while this one neighbor might not see your true, charming self...the people you care about the most DO. And that's what counts.

So do what you can (and what is REASONABLE) to keep the peace and let bygones be bygones.

Good luck, H.. You'll probably need it. ;-)

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Oh, I am sorry you are in such a miserable position. But one thing you said rang true with me. "but I just don't like knowing someone doesn't like me". I used to be like that, I am older now and have learned that not everyone is going to like me and I'm not going to like everyone else either. And you know what, it's perfectly ok. Don't loose any sleep over someone else's problem. If they don't like living in a neighborhood with children, they need to move to the country with miles between houses and their world can be as quiet as they want. Until then they have to live in a neighborhood, and they need to get a grip. Popping a child's ball because it's in your yard is vindictive and spiteful and not at all the act of a mature normal adult.

The suggestion of waving and smiling and pretending not to notice how rude and miserable they are is a good one. And yes, keeping the noise to a dull roar before 9:30 in the morning and after dark is a good plan no matter who lives next door. Beyond that, as long as your children are well behaved, the neighbors need to get over themselves. They are kids and sounds like they are acting their age. If she complains again, tell her to close her curtains so she won't have to see how much fun your children are having. Hopefully she will get the picture sooner or later.

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I agree, all the things she is complaining about are normal behavior. My guess is that they are quiet, non-outdoor type of people and expect everyone else to be the same. Or, she may just be bored, a not-nice person, never goes out, or has no life. How do they even hear what you're doing? I can't hear what my neigbors are doing, and we life in one of those cookie cutter areas where the houses are really close together. I, personally, can't believe that someone who doesn't even OWN the home they're living in would complain so loudly & rudely like that (& I am a renter). I wouldn't stop living life, but I would be cordial & neighborly towards her. Maybe if their kids are the same ages as yours, invite them over for some fun (since they clearly aren't having any!) You're not going to be friends with everybody, and who cares if they don't like you. She really can't do anything, other than move if it's really as bad as she perceives, which I'm sure it's not. The police will laugh at her if she calls for a noise disturbance or something like that.

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You know, this neighbor seems rude to me. If it is day time and the kids are playing outside, they should be able to be loud. She has no clue of the problems your son has. It is difficult dealing with a child with those types of problems. My son has sensory integration disorder as well as high functioning autism. I have him telling me he hates me almost every day and I have gotten him into Tae Kwon Do to help with some of it and it has helped immensely.

It doesn't seem like anything you do will help, but maybe going over and telling her a little about your family and how you use the noise to know where each one of them is while doing other things around the house or yard might help with the situation. It is worth a try anyhow. It is not like they are playing loud outside at like 11pm or something where it would be appropriate for a neighbor to come complaining at your door.

I would keep an eye on them as well. The abusive ones are usually the ones that stay to themselves and don't let kids play and all that. It is unhealthy to keep kids inside all day. i mean outside is where I allow my kids to yell and scream and be a kid and play loud. They need that play time to be happy.

D. P.

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Hi H.,

Sounds like you've got one of those neighbors who can't be satisfied. I don't think you have to restrict your kids' activities and noise significantly though. Maybe try to come to an agreement with her on evening "quiet time". You could say your kids won't be outside making noise after say, 7pm on weekdays and 8pm on weekends? And not too early in the am as well. But I really don't think you have any obligation to do more than that, especially since she has already established herself as a not very nice person! It's really none of her business how you and your kids interact and I think it's incredibly rude of her to judge your son's actions!

Good luck!

I agree that you can't change your whole life for them but make sure you are respectful of them. I have been in my house longer than most people on my street (and yes I own it). I've been the neighbor that is very annoyed by their neighbors. On one side there was a family that had a dog that constantly jumped into my yard which made me scared to send MY kids in MY backyard or what if it got my dog sics sick. After a couple months of them interrupting me nursing my newborn to get their dog I told them I was going to start calling animal control. Eventually their dog was picked up by animal control when it jumped out of my yard and started running down the street. I wasn't sad to see them move. The other side is a very large family that spends a lot of time outdoors. I have no issue with that. My problem is them playing music so loud I can hear it over my tv and made my walls shake. It gets especially aggravating when my kids are trying to nap. Same with retrieving balls, if you ring my doorbell during naptime you will def make me angry. So my point is to maybe find out if you are interrupting nap time with the noise. Would it be possible to be quieter during that time? I wouldn't expect anyone to completely change their lives but a small concession like that could go a VERY long way.

Hi H., My 2 cents is...who cares? You have made an effort to make some changes...good for you. Not everyone is going to like you or your family, just like you don't necessarily like everyone you know. Just go about your business, brush it off and wave and smile when you see them. Be happy and don't stress the small stuff...and in reality...it's ALL small! Good Luck!

I personally don't think you did anything wrong. Like some of the other women said, she probably is one of those people that bottles things up. Most people that have a child with an underlaying problem, condition what have you. Usually will tell someone, why they are coming over and laying into you. Ususally explaining why they are there. If she or he works night, then they should've scouted out the house better to make sure it was good for their sleeping paterns. I wouldn't change how you send your children outside to play. Maybe get them to play catch on the other side of the yard, since whatever goes over the fence, wont be coming back. Nine times out of ten, she'll be back over at your house complaining again about somthing. Her kids see how much fun yours are having outside, and it makes her kids want to play outside too.

Hopefuly you can ignore her for the time they will be there. Not everyone is going to like you. It's hard to deal with that, I've only recently delt with it within the last couple of years. :) Keep living the life you want for you and your kids. She'll go away soon enough.

The only thing I would add to this is that, as someone already touched on, just as they don't know about your son's condition, you don't know their situation. Maybe there are reasons the kids don't play outside. As stated earlier, maybe a parent works nights (I do) and sleeps during the day. Maybe the kids are ultra sensitive to sunlight, maybe they just had a terrible tragedy in their lives. You don't know.

I think you need to make an attempt to understand their situation and help them understand yours. Most people don't just go off on someone w/o an underlying reason.

If this doesn't work, at least you've tried. Remember, they can cause problems for you by complaining to the authorities, warranted or not.

Good luck!

I would think that there is something wrong in her household that the kids don't play or make noise. I would knock on her door & ask if her kids want to come out & play to get a "feel" for whats going on in their home.

i would though have the kids not hit the ball that way just so they stop loosing them. I wish I lived next to you! I have dogs that bark & I love hearing kids have a good time. Kids these days dont play outside enough & they are overweight. Actually I would probably come over & jump on the trampoline with them!!! LOL for exercise for me...Im from Chicago & we always had neighbors that were friendly, AZ is a different animal all together...Good luck!

It's great that we can love people without liking them or having anything to do with them. I'd be thankful to your neighbor for giving you the chance to learn the lesson that you don't have to like or be liked by everyone. It's in my nature to like people so this lesson was a hard one for me, and took of few of those "backdoor teachers" as I call them, but once you get it, it's great! So liberating! So live your life the way you're comfortable with and ignore her issues, 'cause they are her issues. Smile and even wave politely when you see her out, and if she comes to complain again, you can tell her earnestly, "it's too bad you feel that way" or something similar, but don't apologize unless you really have done something you're sorry for.

Then, the secret "trick" I've used when a situation with a person just isn't going to resolve - imagine that you are each at either end of a rainbow, imagine walking up that rainbow and meeting at the top, having a pleasant discussion in which you honor each other as living expressions of the Creator (Namaste concept), then shaking hands or hugging and walking back down. Works Wonders.

H.,
I don't see why you have to pattern your life and that of your kids to appease and obviously SNOTTY neighbor. Your family sounds just like a normal, happy, active one, while your neighbors are obviously a little "off".

But honestly, I wouldn't change anything my family does in their own yard. As long as it's during the day and not late at night, there's really nothing she can do about it either. She's obviously a very unhappy, insecure person and has nothing better to do than try to make everyone else that way.

Chin up, Sista! Don't let the Debbie Downers of the world spoil your joy.

Wow. I tell you. Some folks just keep it all bottled in, and then...explode. They do not have great communication skills at all. Concerns need to be voiced much sooner, with more diplomacy. But, at least you now know what kind of person you are dealing with.
Popping your ball is just childish and petty. I actually feel a bit sorry for this lady..I can not believe it would be easy for her to keep friends if such little things set her off.
We had a neighboor who was sound sensitive too. Why he chose a first floor apt was beyond me. Yes, sometimes peace only comes when someone moves on.
If no one in your family is breaking any law, continue living with the few concessions (your courtesy to her)you have made.
You could write a note calmly explaining your situation and just leave it for her. She may be embarrased by her outburst, or just uncomfortable communicating in a productive way, and if not actually facing you, while angry, may be able to process information a bit better.
If she returns in a huff again, you can "mirror" her body language and repeat back what she tells you. It shows that you are listening and usually defuses the tension. Maybe a more rational conversation can happen then.
If she comes back to harass you repeatedly, (doubtful) you can try to get a restraining order. I have heard it is fairly easy...a visit to the courthouse.

Relax, I think you did the right thing in apologizing, (to be nice) and moving the punching bag and language inside. But other then that, just be nice and let her "Get over it". They are renters and you are there to stay. In 6 months to a year someone else will be there.

If you want to do something, maybe you could take her some cookies or flowers and try to start over with her. Maybe she got upset about the noise because someone in her house works nights and sleeps days or she babysits children who nap when your kids are outside. But whatever her reasons are, she needs to be a grown-up and talk you about it.

I know it can be difficult with neighbors, especially if they are more quiet. Maybe they like to read a lot or wish to stay out of the sun due to risks with skin cancer (I've already had it)? No need to bash them. I would invite them over to join in the fun ( maybe with another neighbor too to help break the ice), maybe even a BBQ - the more the merrier! Who knows, they may enjoy it. I would also explain to them the situation about your son. They may be more understanding if they understood the circumstances. I would also let them know that you did relocate the punching bag as a goodwill gesture, so they know you have made a compromise as well. That way, you can say at least you tried to make ammends to be a good neighbor. Good luck. Two neighbors in our cul-de-sac had some issues, which finally resolved after several years.

I really cannot add to the several replies with good advice, but something not covered yet is as you mentioned that these neighbors are renters; have you contacted their landlord? Have any previous renters ever complained before?

I wish you luck with your son. Something like that is very hard to deal with, and the fact that these renters complained about your son--whether they know of his special needs or not--must have hurt; you as his mother will naturally be sensitive to any negative comments made about him. I deal with mothers who have special needs children. I know about that.

And, popping a play ball because it came into their yard? My goodness, that just is an indication of immaturity. Wow.

~D.

Wow, I have been in a similar situation and the only thing I can say is don't escalate it. It can get real bad. Sometimes I just have to wonder about people....maybe she feels bad that her kids are alone and would like to have them have the chance to be included. It doesn't sound like it but maybe. Perhaps just invite them over, your kid (not you) going to her front door the next time they go swimming, just one time...It may help to release some of the resentment. Who knows she may be feeling a little embarrassed after he tirade. Other than that stay away from her. Sure let your kids play, i would, but maybe they need to play catch somewhere else if they have are having a hard time keeping the ball from going into anyone else's backyard. You may feel in the right but just let it go. Let your kids play, I wouldn't put restrictions on them except for the balls. It is good that you made a concession by oving the punching bag. I'd leave it at that and probably leave those neighbor alone too.

Ball problem: Buy Bird netting and 2x4's from Lowes or Home Depot and make a "ball catcher" on your side of the fence that separates your yard from theirs. Make it high enough to prevent the balls from going over the fence. Since it is within your property, she cannot tell you to take it down.

As for your children: it is none of her business what respect your kids do or do not show you. I will only correct MY kids about "top of the lungs" screaming or yelling "help" when they are playing outback or in the pool. Other than that....your neighbor could buy some earplugs!

I like the advice of hosting a neighborhood BBQ and inviting everyone. You could make up a flyer and make sure nosy neighbor gets one. That way she cannot say she wasn't invited (or warned!).

Yikes, this is a hard one. What a nightmare to have to walk around on eggshells in your own home. It sounds to me like your kids are just being kids. If the noise is during daylight hours I wouldn't worry about it.

Bake her some cookies and invite her kids over to swim. If that doesn't help, nothing will.

It look's like you received a lot of good advise. How often do we say to our children "use your inside voices" or "take the rough housing and noise outside". Kid's will be kid's! We upset a neighbor by pounding eight nails (finishing a project) at 9:00 one night a couple of years ago. Instead of coming to us, we found out when the Police came to our door. Turns out they had just had a new baby. We also learned they have a handicapped daughter and their younger one's were probably too young to be outside without supervision (thus why we hardly ever heard or saw them). So they have been pretty quiet as well.
Recently their son (now a couple of years older) has been practicing baseball with his Dad in the backyard. When the balls come over, I am quick to toss them back and always hear a 'thank you'. So with time we have gotten to know each other and are both more neighborly. I'm the type to take over a gift or dinner if I 'know' someone just had a baby. I'm not use to living where I don't know a neighbor. They do receive goodies from us at Christmas time. We are often trusted with house keys to water plants or feed cats when our neighbors are out of town.
As for the Police story, when we heard from another neighbor who called and why my hubby went to them and asked if next time they had a problem with us that they please let us know.