My Mother-in-law Is Lazy and Unnapreciative

I too would give her the number of the travel agent you are working with or ask them for a website to see the villas.

Also, what "certain details" is the agent not giving you? All the details of the villas should be know before booking. With the exception of the actual street address, I never post the street address of my short term rental, just the development it's in. I only give it once its booked.

Hang in there.

Write down the number prevail address of the person who can answer her questions and give it to her. Done!

Seriously, 30 people are going to have questions. That's normal.
Find a way to keep them all informed--a FB page, mass emails, etc.

heh. we've got the 'vacation planners' in our family too and i suspect they get just as annoyed with all of us<G>. 2 brothers have stepped down from the position, and the one who currently holds it......well, he ain't doing much.
everyone knows i'm way too ditzy to take it on, so yay for my tarnished reputation! :D
it's okay for your MIL not to take part. planners only THINK they want non-planners to 'help.' i promise, you and your compadre are better off not having people like me and your MIL muddying the waters.
but it's not okay for her to snipe at you. and you can nip that in the bud. you can tell her nicely and courteously something along the lines of 'maryrose, i know you want more information but i just don't have it at my fingertips. as you can imagine there's an awful lot to coordinate here and the agent with whom i'm working is busy too. i'm afraid you'll either have to contact her yourself or trust me to give you the details when they become available to me. sorry, can't chat any more today, i've got a mountain on my plate.'
and if she meeps about it, slam your shields into place and remove her from your consciousness until she gets over herself.
of course, this only works if you actually like your MIL and it's just this issue that's annoying you. if you really dislike her and are dreading spending this trip in her presence, that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.
khairete
S.

Sound like a she said she said scenario. Something is missing ... Her side.

It is best that just one or two people are the contact persons for a large group. That part makes sense.

What type of details is your MIL looking for that she needs but the agent doesn't have?

She can't upset you without your permission.
Just disengage a little bit and let her comments wash over you and then forget it.
Your attitude should be
"Bummer Dudette but the information has not come through yet and I've done all I'm going to do about it. If you want more info I'm not the person you need to be talking to." end of conversation.

I agree with Veruca. You either cleverly left out what details she is asking for and why, or something....

I don't think it is unusual at all for someone to ask about details of vacation accommodations. I also find it surprising that you have ZERO idea about the accommodations, unless you just haven't chosen one yet. I mean... every place you go these days has pics of the places online. I wouldn't contract to rent one without seeing pics. Not today. It isn't necessary to take that kind of risk anymore. There was a time when you had to, but not anymore.

So, does MIL not trust that you are doing proper due diligence to ensure quality? Or is there some feature that you know she needs (single story with no steps, handicapped holds in the showers, ___) and you aren't making the proper inquiries to get them? Or what?

There is more to this than just, "she's being over bearing and asking too many questions." I've been the vacation planner before, so I know how difficult it can be. But I have yet to run across a participant who just "really needs to know the details of the houses" without some specific item they need to know about. And I have a family of crazies. So... what is she needing to know? You didn't tell us.
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ETA
Forgot to mention, but I don't think it is a good idea, nor appropriate, for you to expect her to call the agent to find out the things she wants to know. As the planner, that is part of the "job" and the agent you are working with is being paid to work with you. Not 27 of you. Can you imagine her position to start having multiple members of a booking party calling her to ask about accommodations? I mean, surely you are not the only client she is working with. And how does she know what information she is authorized to share? And whom does she defer to about what accommodations are acceptable or changes to the plans? Whomever is dealing with her, is who needs to deal with her. NOT everybody in the group who is going and has a question. That is part of the bargain you get for being the planner/organizer.

If you hate the job, decline to take it next time. Again, I've been there, so I know how difficult it is. But if you don't accept that that is part of it, then just don't do it again. You're stuck this time, but you don't have to volunteer again in the future. But do not have your MIL calling the agent. There is no reason for your agent to have to try to sort out your families personal issues.

First of all, be sure that you put her in a different villa than yours! Secondly, put your husband in charge of his mother!! Decide how you are handling meals - does everyone cook in their own villa, or are there group activities? If the latter, then pick dates out of a hat and assign those to each family to be in charge of the dinner for 30. No one criticizes the people who have that night - they can exercise their own wishes on their night. Make a job board for people to sign up - check in, kids' activities, food shopping, day trip planning, etc. Every adult or couple signs up for an even number.

I'm sure that you aren't planning to drag 30 people to every event or venue - some will go to the theme parks, some will play golf, some will hang out at a pool. So there is room for everyone to do what they want and still have some together time for bonding.

Then step back from it. You're not in charge of every moment. Give every family the number of the booking agent so they can ask their own questions. That's what the agent gets paid for, and he/she is getting a terrific commission for these rentals. If the villas were being rented by separate and unconnected families, there would be multiple contacts and lots of repetitive questions. Besides, if the agent isn't quite responding to you fast enough, getting pressure from multiple callers might take care of that too.

Is this the first time your MIL has been demanding or lazy with you? If not, then distance yourself. That's how she is but you don't have to play that game. If it IS the first time, then don't buy into it - something's got her nervous about this trip and someone else can deal with it/comfort her. Assuming the other families are connected to her (her other children, besides just your husband), then put those kids in charge of her. If she's nervous about blending in with your family (you mention your aunt), then have your husband make some arrangements for his mother to have some privacy in her accommodations or at least sharing a villa with "her" side rather than "your" side.

On some level, those who are not doing anything for the prep can do something at the actual vacation time. Don't put yourself in charge of the entire vacation, and don't let anyone else do that to you. Step back - you aren't going to have any fun and you're going to take all the heat if one little thing goes wrong. Don't go down that road!

If you don't know and she doesn't want to ask, she doesn't want to know that badly. I would have a standard answer and stick to it. Her choice. Nevermind what she thinks if she's not doing the work to make it happen. I wouldn't worry about her. Give her the same details everyone else has and don't let her ruin your day.

Further, I would put many things back on the other families. They can arrange their own airfare, transportation, food, etc. If all you are doing is getting villas and assigning people to stay there, then don't take on additional details that are not necessary. If you don't want to be the cruise director, then don't be.

I'd love to hear her side of the story.

Why are only 2 people planning this trip for 30+ people?? Sorry - family or not - they are adults and can handle their own reservations. I DO understand about location and proximity - so having one person arrange the rentals - great! But for specifics? Sorry - that's on the individual.

I can tell just from your posting that you do NOT like your MIL. So now let me ask you this - if this were YOUR mom and HER actions? Would you still feel this way??

You really need to change YOUR attitude. Sorry. But really? I can just imagine how you are dealing with her if you don't like her. I bet it's snotty and condescending - just like this post. Instead of being negative with her.

Tell her how busy you are and here's the number to contact the agent herself. Put it back in her court - but BE NICE.

Ask her what she expects from the trip and ask her to plan something. Instead of being a snot to her. INCLUDE her with KINDNESS!!!

Good luck!

You just need to learn how to shrug your shoulders and say, oh well!
If she wants information that she's not willing to get for herself that's HER problem, not yours.
If she starts in on you over the phone, trying to make you feel bad about how you are handling things you can always say, mom, if you don't like the way I'm handling this I'd be happy to let you take over, would you like that? No? Okay well I've got to go now, if you have any other questions call your son.
Really, just don't engage her and don't LET her bother you so much. When she gets difficult let your husband deal with it, she's his mom not yours.

I suspect there is more to your relationship than just this.

Yes, it's a hassle to organize a lot of people. No, no one will appreciate all the work you put in. It's always this way with planning any event - people only notice what didn't go perfectly, they do not notice the other 10,000 things that went smoothly. Those 10,000 things went so smoothly that no one even noticed that planning was involved. This is the way of the world.

If you take on an event like this, you have to do it because YOU want to do it. Because you want to spend the time with your extended family. Because you are willing to be the coordinator.

If you had any illusions that you would be thanked for planning the trip, you had unrealistic expectations.

I'm not saying that your MIL is handling this well. Yes, she could be nicer about it. But you need to let this go. Just keep repeating the phrase "I'm doing my best." and walk away.

It sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed but really, if I were the agent I wouldn't appreciate dealing with 30 people. Can you just imagine how crazy things would get if she started getting calls from everyone, I want this, I want that, change this? You would be more stressed than you are now.

I mean just think about where you are at now, now imagine the real estate lady calling and saying I made those changes your mother in law requested!

Just saying be careful what you wish for. One or two people running the show is the best you can hope for.

Hi,

I think if your MIL is just being unappreciative and is stressing you out with her comments and questions, I would just relay information through your husband. I started doing that when my MIL put me on the spot about holidays and plans. Very similar. She had no idea how much work it was to organize things while also looking after a family (or she had forgotten).

When necessary, I would just keep it light, be matter of fact, and say "I will pass along the information as it becomes available to me" and smile. Keep it short.

Main thing is, just don't let it get to you. My MIL is a little off and makes odd remarks that I'm never sure how to take. So I just don't respond half the time. I think she's looking for a reaction and sometimes the best response is none at all.

Good luck :)

This is the kind of post that makes me figure--surely there's more to the relationship that this one issue, right? Is this a pattern with her, the tendency to be critical and to pick at you over something as small and dumb as "details" she can either wait to get or get for herself? Beyond this one instance, is she usually reliably "lazy and unappreciative"? These kinds of behaviors don't just crop up over one thing; they're there all the time, usually.

So if this IS unusual for her and she's usually more helpful, self-reliant, not critical -- I would say, have your husband talk to her and find out why she's acting out of character. She might be nervous about the trip; she might not like the idea of a huge gathering but be afraid to say so because it'll upset others; she might be having health issues she hasn't disclosed (and doesn't want to disclose for fear she'll be blamed if the trip doesn't go as planned). If this behavior's not normal for her, there may be other things going on that could explain it and you could then cut her some slack.

If this IS her normal way of handling things, well, then it's to be expected that she will nitpick and criticize so it shouldn't be a surprise to you or your husband either. Have him handle her from this point on, and only him. His parent, his job. Period. If she texts, you are not obliged to answer instantly. If she calls, screen calls and have him call back and say you're really busy our out, and "Mom, what can I do for you?" If she e-mails, that's great -- take a day and many deep breaths before you e-mail back. Don't let her think that contact equals immediate response and let your husband be the main point of contact with her.

Unless you want a really miserable trip, be sure to paste on a smile when you talk to her and keep repeating: "Husband gave you the number and e-mail for the rental agent. Hey, did you see X on TV...." or whatever you must to do change the topic. Every time.

Please heed Diane B.'s entire post. Don't put mom in your villa and don't try to organize the outings, the meals, etc. for everyone. You got them down there and got them housed. After that, be sure you and your immediate family have alone time at least once each day.

Do not project her issues on to yourself. When i was younger I took on a lot of stuff too and wanted to get everything right, etc. I would have been you in your situation - annoyed that my extensive efforts weren't appreciated. But now I just don't care anymore. If extended family was planning such a vacation I would book the house I'd be staying in and send everyone else the information via email and let them fend for themselves and find their own rentals. In your situation if everything works out wonderfully no one will thank you - but if there's any problem, no matter how small, you'll be the fall guy. No good deed goes unpunished!

Your MIL sounds like one of those people who has a special diet and shows up to a fancy dinner complaining that there's nothing she can eat. If she has email I'd send her the information you have available abou the rentals in an amail and then step away and call it a day. What kind of details is she so desperate to need? stairs, bathrooms, etc? If she wants them that badly she can call them.

As for her attitude, ignore it. She can be as snarky as she wants but you don't have to take it in. This will be a good lesson for your kids too - you can't control what she says or does - you can only control what you say or do. And allowing her to upset you is within your control. Step away and let her figure out whatever she needs.

Ugh. Whoever says you don't marry the family when you marry the man is wrong!

You said you already booked the villas. I assume you got some kind of "details" about them before booking them, right? So you should have some kind of details to give her. However, you say the agent hasn't given you any "details" yet. That doesn't make sense to me but whatever. Not sure what kind of details she's looking for but I think you giving her the realtors name would solve that problem. Not worth getting so worked up about. If she continues to text, email or call and ask about it, I would simply ignore her. Good luck.

I think you need to take a step back, it seems you are taking something rather innocent and turning into some huge thing. Would you be acting like this with her if she was your mother rather then your husband's? Remember when dealing with her that he loves her the same way you love your mom, so treat her the way you would your own. It is very possible she does not want to step on your toes by contacting the agent herself, she may fear you would find that to be medaling or pushy, and from your reaction to this I would say she might be right.

Of course she will be cranky to meet your cranky. If you want someone to be nice to you, you have to be nice to them. I suggest you be the bigger person and change your attitude.

Of course you're overwhelmed. Getting upset with her makes life more difficult for you.

My MIL is anything but lazy, but she would be terrified of what you are asking.

Does that sound ridiculous to you? It does a bit to me. I don't understand her. She just gets so overwhelmed by the teeniest detail. She owns a time-share, but doesn't know how it works. One of her kids or their spouses have to take care of the details. She'll fly, but she only wants nonstop flights. She's terrified of making a connection.

You know your MIL better than I do, but is it possible that this is the type of thing that scares her? Maybe the thought of doing it herself is paralyzing her.

If she comes to you with another question that you cannot answer, consider approaching it like you would a toddler, "I know. It's very frustrating when we don't have answers. I asked the agent, but I still haven't heard anything. It's very frustrating, but I guess we just have to wait. I can ask again, but we probably just have to wait."

What I've found with these types of people is to kind of enjoy it. Let her squirm with all these unanswered questions. Just give her a sweet "I don't know. I'll try to ask or you can call the agent if you'd like." Let her get all worked up and since she's not nice, enjoy her discomfort! She's the one with the issue here, right? She is demanding information in an ungrateful way. YOU don't care about these details so not your problem! Please yourself and let other people deal with things you don't care about. I used to have a big summer inlaw thing and after awhile I said, I don't care. Let them deal with it all and if it doesn't work out well for them, their problem. They were pains in the butt so I let it no longer be my problem if they were happy or not. I had a full time job and two very young kids and I was supposed to figure it all out? Nope. I had a clear conscience and so should you. You've done a lot. It's not enough for her, too bad. Don't look for her approval. You won't get it. Let her be miserable and do what it takes for you to enjoy the trip.

ETA: why do some people assume you haven't even seen pictures of the houses? Seeing pictures and doing normal due diligence on a rental doesn't mean all nitpicky questions are answered. Plus - you say you asked the agent and she hasn't answered yet!

Bless your heart.

Could you assure her, your husband her son, will be there in case of any problems? Have him figure out exactly what she is concerned about and promise to assist her when you all get there if needed?

There is not much else you can do. So I concur to give her and your husband the agents number and let them work on this particular question.

We can only do, what we can do. Agents usually have not stepped foot in each and every location.. They are like travel agents. They can send you on a trip anywhere in the world, but they have not actually been to every place in the world.

I'd turn it into a game. When she asks anything about the houses I'd say 'I don't know. Here's agent's phone number. Give her a call and find out.' Lather rinse repeat. I'd say it even if I knew the answer. 'Does it have a door?' "I don't know.' 'Does it have a bathroom?' 'I don't know.' I wouldn't know a single thing.

I'm in the mist of planning an extended family vacation this summer. Finding the house was the most stressful thing. Everything after that I figure whatever happens happens and I don't care. Take on that attitude and you'll do fine. It isn't up to you to make sure everyone has a good time. Just do the legwork to set things up and let everyone figure out the rest.

(sigh) (said with a smile)
Get over it.
Be thankful you have the $$...ability...& family to do this.
Not everybody is as blessed as you are.

Additionally, consider this a "lesson learned"..... you & your aunt are in charge. Therefore, you will be asked questions & you will be considered responsible for answering detailed questions. Next time, don't offer your services if you find this situation lacking.

I realize this all sounds harsh. What you are experiencing is not the end of the world, nor should it cause you to feel unappreciated....incite reprisal...or push you to cancel your plans. I wish you Peace.

Tell your husband to deal with his mom. Give her the info you have about the villas and include a phone number for her to get more info. Some mother in laws are worse than others.

Perhaps she really needs these details, it's very important to her, and she is frustrated by your not pressing the agent enough to get her one simple question answered even though she's asked a couple of times now....

I know, she should call her herself and push the point that she wants to know.

I guess I'm concerned that you didn't see pictures or get a video or anything of these houses before you rented them? How do you know they are even livable? Perhaps that is your MIL's concern as well.

I wouldn't have rented anywhere without detailed photo's of each room, the views, supplies provided, etc....if you aren't able to give that information I'd be concerned you might have been taken advantage of too.

So try to see it from her perspective. Maybe she is needed reassurance that the place is magnificent and wonderful and everything she wants.

The agent should NOT be managing this property if they can't at least answer your questions and providing detailed photographs and any information you need.

I don't know enough from your post, but I sure as heck hope that you've gotten MONEY from these people you and your aunt are doing all the work for. If you haven't, you could be in a buttload of trouble.

Don't change a thing that you say to your MIL. "As I said earlier, if you can't wait for the realtor to get back to me, call her yourself." Don't engage in any other discussion.

And don't ever take on this responsibility for the family again.

Email the agent and cc (or include) your MIL. Ask the agent the question, stating "I have included my MIL on this email who needs to know if the condo/rental private bathrooms for each bedroom? I would also add "If not, could you explain which bedrooms do? (or whatever her question is).

This will make the agents state 'yes, they all have their own bathrooms. yet only the master has a separate tub from shower' or no, only the master has a private bathroom and the other 2 bedrooms share the bathroom.

I really can not think of a question the rep can not answer or at least say 'let me get back to you on that."

I do agree that she sounds annoying. The agent should be able to answer her questions directly, yet not take orders. I do not think it is a big deal for the agent to handle a question. You can do as some suggestion and forward the agents email to MIL. Let her ask her question. Knowing my luck I would ask the question and the MIL would really want to know some other fact (like is the toilet separated from the shower).

My MIL has really bad diarrhea issues and can not be away from a bathroom for long. Maybe why this example popped in my head.

Your MIL sounds like my mom and stepmom...they both get anxious about things, they want to be in control, they need to know every detail for their peace of mind and worry about little things. Yet actually planning something like this themselves would be completely over the top overwhelming for them. I would email her the contact info of the agent and tell her to call and ask herself. If she calls you to bug you about it, I'd tell her she should talk to her son about it. When you DO get this info have your husband call her to tell her the details...not you. He can deal with her...it's his mom. Good job doing this planning...that is hard work and I personally find it really frustrating to plan for a large group. Doesn't the website give the info for the villas? When we book things you can look up and read very specific information online for each place. I think it's pretty odd that the agent can't give you that info. That part doesn't make sense.

It's hard to tell what kinds of details she is asking about. Could it be that she wants to know how many bedrooms are in each villa & she wants to know who she is "sharing" with? Maybe she wants to know if she'll be on a ground floor so she doesn't have to climb stairs or possibly she needs a handicap restroom?

You didn't say if your plans are at a villa at Walt Disney World but if so most show the room layouts. MIL can just google the name of the resort and get all kinds of info.

I too planned an extended family vacation several years ago so I know you've put in LOTS of work..especially if it's for 30 people. I ONLY had 13 so know your stress is LOTS more than I experienced.

One thing our agent insisted on was only 1-2 people were to make all the plans -- but she met with all/any who had questions about a week before our flights. That alleviated any questions/concerns that I wasn't able to previously answer.

Don't let MIL frustrate you. Everyone knows or will know soon just how much you've put in to making this a great trip.

do yourself a favor, if your mil goes on this "vacation" ..dont go. let someone else go to the aggravation and expense of entertaining her...she isnt your mother, therefore she isnt your problem.sounds like her own kids spend too little time finding things too keep their mother busy, and too much time expecting you to entertain her..my first mil was exactly like that..i was expected to be her full time cook, cleaner upper, driver, nurse etc etc. when i finally put my foot down and told her kids i wasnt going to lift so much as a finger to "care for their mother" anymore..they finally figured out that it was a full time job. book everything for this "vacation" , then bow out at the last minute , put your mil in the car with HER family and let them take care of her while you "recover from being sick", yeah, sick of taking care of your mil...when the mil gets back into town, you simply "cough and sniffle" every time she asks you to do something for her, and eventually , she will stop asking..been there. done that. K. h.ok, so the mil is asking for details about this "vacation" you gave her the renters number, she refuses to call them..well boo hoo..not your problem.

What you are doing is very kind and in the spirit for family. I agree with Sadie and also that at this point your husband needs to help if the small details are affecting his mom. You wouldn't want to be the reason for her complaints so it is time he steps in and helps her find what she needs. I woukd have him tell her he is handling her concerns since you amazingly did the legwork and did all you could at this point. Have fun. Sounds like a great trip.