My Infant Gets Sick at MIL Everytime She Goes over There.

Honesty may only make it worst because MIL and our moms too seem to think that when we tell them how we want our babies raised, that we are in some way downing their mothering skills. The ole "I did it when you were little and you're okay" bit.
If you do not want to confront her (especially if it may strain your relationship) have your husband to tell her since it is his mother. Or just don't allow your baby to visit without you until you are comfortable.
If you think that your MIL is understanding and you have a great relationship, by all means sit her down and give her the guidelines for having the baby over.

Hope this helps, if not good luck!
L. S

Firstly I read alot of anger in your post. Secondly while I don'thave much to say on the actual topic other than to just a kind no thank you my mother has plans with her for the time we don't need you this time but possibly in the future. Most importantly lysol is seriously overrated and actually harmful as are the plethora of antibacterial hand soaps and other products that our bombarding so many homes these days the worst offenders being those disposable wipes.

My children are very rarely sick and we don't have a single antibacterial or lysol product in our house period nor have we for over 4 years now.

"The cleaner your home is, the unhealthier it may be, because of toxic cleaning products made from petroleum-based chemicals.

Many of these commercial cleaning products contain dangerous chemicals that are not listed on the label. A manufacturer can omit any ingredient that is considered a secret formula from its label, and many of these secret ingredients are toxic and carcinogenic." f1

"The EPA has reported that toxic chemicals found in the home are, on the average, three times more likely to cause cancer than outdoor airborne pollutants.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission connects 150 chemicals commonly found in our homes to allergies, birth defects, cancer and psychological disorders.

The National Institute of Occupational Safety and Health analyzed 2,983 chemicals used in personal care products and 884 were found to be toxic - some even caused mutagenic changes.

The top cancer-causing products in the average home include the following [Source: The National Cancer Prevention Coalition]:
· Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder w/Talc
· Crest Tartar Control Toothpaste
· VO5 Hair Conditioner
· Clairol Nice-n-Easy Hair Color
· Ajax Cleanser
· Lysol Disinfectant
"

Look around for a used baby bed or one of the travel beds. Take that to your MIL for your baby to sleep in and provide the clean bedding. You might say your daughter seems to have a very weak immune system and everyone has to be very careful around her. On the 5 days, I think your baby would be more comfortable with only one care provider (your Mom). With you being away going from home to home might be too much for her and she would get sick from the stress. Also provide the baby wipes to clean her hands when she's there. Confiding your concern about "your baby's" weak immune system may help her to be more careful with her. V.

I'd tell her that the baby has been sick, and that you don't want her to have to deal with a sick baby plus the other child. I'd also tell her that you just feel more comfortable leaving the baby with your mom for your extended trip. With your baby being so young, you can try to tell her that you would be worried about leaving her since she has just recovered from an illness. Good Luck!

I know this is very belated in coming but for what it is worth...A totaly different approach for the future anyway would be to say that you feel you need to work on your childs imune system so she will not get sick when exposed to another sick child. Don't deal with any of what she is doing. If she sees that your child is healthier then she may even ask what you are doing that is different. I have found this to be true for my own family. We have 11 children and have used antibiotics less than 10 times in 22 years and we rarely get sick enough to go to the doctor. I have suggestions on how to do this but will only share if you are interested. I just thought the approach might be a good one as it doesn't lay the blame on the family but on issues with your own child and what you are trying to do for her. Take it for what it's worth!

K.

I can see why you don't want your little one to get sick. It costs money for her to see the doctor, she feels bad, and you feel bad seeing her feel so horrible. However, it is perfectly ok for your daughter to get sick once in a while and studies have shown that even though hand washing is great; keeping your child from getting any illness may actually weaken her immune system in the long run. Fighting illness is how we develop our immune system, and that 5 month old is probably more resilient than you think...of course this isn't your first go round with motherhood- you alreay know this. Don't be so h*** o* you MIL. She may not be the cleanest person you know, but the sheer fact that she is willing to help you out by watching her grandchild is a plus. And building her immune system up may be a plus in your daughter's future. And if your MIL's cleaning habits bother you that much- fear not- there is something you can do to change things (and may just help your MIL out as well). Get her house cleaned for her as a gift. Let her know that you are doing it for her because you understand how busy a woman's life can be and that every woman needs a break. You may just be working to build a better relationship in the process if you play your cards right- and have someone who is willing to watch your children when you can't or dont want to get a babysitter....good luck

I've been there and it's a stinky situation, but you have to do what's best for your kids. A 5 month old does not need to be exposed to the same germs as a 4 year old. My daughter is 2 and I do not leave her with my mother in law EVER. I leave her with my mom only. My MIL does not do what i ask her to do and is not as vigilant about watching her carefully as I would like her to be. I don't feel like my daughter is as safe with my mil as she is with my mother. My mother in law also does not keep a clean or child-safe house. A general dislike of her also comes into play for me as well: my mil also has some major jealousy/competition issues with me, my mom, her own sister etc. When she offers to keep my daughter, I just politely say "no thank you" and it's as simple as that. I'm sure she is seething mad on the inside, but, quite frankly, I don't care. My husband has long since given up arguing with me about it, as he has realized that he can't win. Point being--always do what you think is best for your child. Try to be polite, but expect some feelings to get hurt.

I would mention that you are sure your daughter will be having a bit of seperation anxiety from you while you are gone. It would probably benefit her to stay at one place the entire time of your trip instead of having to adjust to someone else's house in the middle of the stay. You simply want to make it easier on your daughter. While she may be comfortable at both homes for a short stay explain that she will be more fragile and emotional after being away from you for 5 days. Then, you will have to come up with the reason she should stay at your mom's house the whole time versus your MIL-- maybe the added responsibility of the other child is just a lot for her or something like that. Good luck. Hope you get it all settled so you can relax on your trip.

You have to ask yourself which person is more important...catering or being nice to your MIL or the health of your daughter. If your like me then the answer will be your daughter. Explain to your MIL that for the past few times she's been over there, she's been getting sick and it's very expensive to keep taking her to the doctor. Explain to her that since she's only 6 months you have to make sure that she's stays in the best health as possible and that you think that she's been getting sick from the 4yr old boy. Also tell her that since the little boy is sick, the sheets and everything that he touches is infected with germs and thats how your daughter's been getting sick.
If she doesn't want to understand that then just take YOUR daughter over to your mother's house and just be done with it until the MIL realizes that you are serious. When she wants to see her granddaughter bad enough then she would clean and sanatize so her granddaughter won't get sick.

Honesty is always the best policy. You don't have to be mean about it, just factual. Let her know that you need her help. You noticed that your child becomes ill when around your nephew. Tell her your pediatrician reccomended that all wash hands prior to handling the baby and that the baby only sleeps on her own blankets and pillows. Explain how you had to spend $$$ on doctor bills that you and her son didn't really have. Perhaps she doesn't understand the impact. I've found it easier to blame the peditrician when dealing with my mother to prevent arguments as the advice comes from the expert. Remember, they raised children differently than we do now and she probably had no one to teach HER to wash hands, etc. Good luck.

Honestly, I think it would be easiest to say that you want to keep her on a consistent routine while you are away and that it will be better for her to stay in one place for the entire time. I would start scheduling her time with the MIL differently so that she is there for short periods of time. Maybe just weekends or mornings when the other grandchild is at daycare. Just make it routine. Also, I would provide her with the items that you want her to use while the baby is there...wipes, bedding,toys and keep her items in a seperate tote. I would provide a small crib and insist that your daughter sleeps in her own bed. I wouldn't get into the conversation with your husband about what you don't like about her ways because naturally, he is going to think you are being mean.

However, I would tell him that you noticed that the grandson is sick alot and that it's going to affect the baby. Tell him your concerns about your daughter being over there when he is sick. If you don't feel like you are close enough to speak on it with her, ask your husband to talk to her about it. Your child's health and safety is very important and everyone who is in her life MUST respect it and follow your lead when it comes to your child.

I experienced the same thing with my MIL. Except she would leave kleenexs all over my house when she stayed! One on the countertop, one on the table! Nasty! When she came over, I would clean like crazy so she thought I was a clean freak! I would spray Lysol on my daughter's toys and wipe everything down with wipes after I put the baby to bed.If a lot of people were in the house, I would spray the whole house with Lysol and vaccuum every room immediately after she left. She would make comments about me being too "particular" about things. I would just calmly say, "I just want to keep her from getting sick. She's only a baby." Now when we go to HER house, she says the same thing to everyone else and my daughter is FIVE. Subliminal messages work sometimes!

I hope this helps. Girl, you are not alone on this one. Around the 5th year of marriage, everyone will finally stop fighting you and finally do it your way! :-)

It may be better to just say, "No, thank you. We won't be needing your help this time" and leave it at that. You don't have to get into explanations that will only cause defensiveness and arguing. Maybe another time, after your trip, you or your husband could carefully mention that you worry about the health of the other child and would like to offer some suggestions. Then see if she wants suggestions. (She probably won't.)

Could you post-pone the trip until your baby is a little older? Infants don't understand that the separation is temporary and it can be very stressful to them. Not to mention how uncomfortable it is for mom if she's still nursing. It sounds like this vacation is already causing a lot of stress in your family, kinda the opposite of what a vacation is supposed to do. Or alternatively bring the kids along, with or without a sitter like your mom. Just a thought.

Don't stress too much about Lysol - it's one of the many things that make our indoor air more polluted and carcinogenic than the oustide air. You can build up an immunity to bacteria, but cancer-causing agents build up in *you*. Besides the increased risk of cancer, too *much* hygiene around young children can increase the likelihood that they will develop allergies, as well. It's good to keep things clean, especially around infants, but you can go overboard and do more harm than good, which is why we see contant headlines about the downside of anti-bacterial soaps, and how so many more children have allergies now.

If and when she visits your MIL again, you could try bringing over a pack and play or travel bed for naps so she's not sleeping on the same bed. And just mention that the baby has been getting sick lately and that everyone needs to be more diligent in general about keeping her well. No need to be haughty or condescending, just, you know, matter-of-fact.

Yes, there is a nice way to tell the MIL that baby won't be coming over, but to put conditions on the baby's future return is inappropriate at this point in time. Save that for the time that is coming when she will ask WHY the baby is not coming to her house anymore. For now, a simple statement to them of "we're going away for a few days and Baby will be at my mother's house until we return" should be sufficient information given to the MIL. If (or when) the MIL asks why the baby is not coming over anymore, then you can say you do not want her exposed to older children just yet because she got so sick, and so did the rest of you, the last time she caught something from the little boy, and you want her to build up some more immunity before being exposed to older children. You can say her pediatrician advised it! But for you to give your MIL any lectures or even hints on her cleanliness or to try to tell her what to do when she has not asked that of you, would be highly inappropriate. If you feel her house is not clean enough or her ways are not clean enough and jeopardize the health of your child or your family, you have every right to avoid letting your baby go to their house. But you just don't have to be rude about it or condescending either. I have to say that your attitude towards the little boy seems a bit bitter. It's not his fault if he is not kept clean. He's just a little boy. I will add here that you should invite the in-laws over to see the baby and when they come over, that is when you can address the washing hands issue. You have every right in your own home to insist that they wash their hands before handling the baby -- just present it as something you all do all the time and do not make a huge deal about it. Maybe this way, she'll get the hint, but whether she does or not, at least you will have the control you seek about this issue and she will have the opportunity to spend time with her granddaughter. By the way, I never hesitated myself to wash the hands and faces of children visiting with my babies and I still do it for my grandbabies. Also, you need to get the husband on the same page as you or else you will face major MIL problems yet to come. Good luck!

I think you should find a tactful way of backing out of the deal. Also, your 5-month old is not too young for vitamins. They make liquid vitamins that are really good. Depending if you're on county water or city water, you could choose PolyViSol or TriViSol. Ask your pediatrician what he would recommend. GNC used to carry a liquid form of immune system vitamins called Echinacea and another one called ALJ. When my kids were small and starting daycare I used these and they really worked wonders.
Good luck!

I hope it works out.

Feelings aside, a little truth goes a long way. Maybe they dont realize the that the reason they are always sick is because of these habits. Maybe if you link the causes to the effects, the old light bulb will go off. It probably would not hurt to BYO hand sanitizer, baby blankets, sheets, and Clorox wipes........ and strategically place it.....

Hi J.!

I have NO PROBLEMS being honest and saying exactly how I feel when it comes to my child. The truth is... Your child is getting sick from being over there, and you just need to explain to her that it has taken way too much of a toll on you. It's not being mean, so you shouldn't have to worry about that. And I think it would be more mean for your MIL to not understand your wishes as a mother. I would sit down and explain to her how you feel about germs, and what you would like her to pay more attention with when it comes to your daughter. I have VERY difficult in-laws, but I have NO PROBLEM telling them what my wishes are as a mother. And they should understand that as parents themselves. Because we know, that they had their own rules as parents, and we have ours. They need to repect that, and that's it! Can you tell how passionate I am about this subject :o)??? LOL..... You are NOT ALONE on this matter! Trust me :o)!

Your letter has "stressed out" written all over it. You have a nine-year-old -- it's not like you're new to the mommy thing -- so my advice is to talk all of this over with the hubby and be sure you two are on the same page with leaving your kids with your mom for the five days you two are out of town.

As far as having the MIL watch the baby on a regular basis, I'd have my husband deliver the message, first of all. (But, maybe with you also there.) Something like, "You know, we'd love for you to watch her but we've just noticed little Billy is always sick and we suspect it's because of his being in and out of daycare. We'd just rather protect her from the germs a little while longer."

I know you know it but I'm gonna say it: there's "clean" and there's "sterile". It's good not to eat poop, yes. But it's ALSO good, yes good!, for our bodies to get little mini-doses of germs every now and then -- gives our immune systems practice and builds up antibodies.

Good luck with it all. In-law situations are never easy.

Who sees your daughter more MIL or your Mom.If MIL sees your dughter more I would just tell MIL that thats why you wnat Mom to watch your daughter

No offense, but a child who is never exposed to germs will end up with a lousy immune system. Sounds like she's catching everything she's exposed to because she's never had a chance to build any immunity. Your MIL's may be too much for her to handle right now, but you might want to try introducing her to other children and environments a little at a time in order to build her immunity while not overwhelming her system. Too much of anything is bad for anyone, cleanliness as well as germs.

Well, I don't think there's any nice enough way to put it. She will hear what she wants to hear unless she is a warm hearted person that holds no grudges. If it was me I'd just say we'll be gone 5 days and are little one just got over (x) illness so we'd rather have her with my parents since she's is just getting over it and can catch something so easy right now. I'd just tell your hubby you are not being mean he can either educate his family about the importance of hand washing and hope for them to do better or just (don't think I'm mean) get over it. I wouldn't send my 5 month old over to a house that shares illness all the time in fact, I requested and wasn't shy about it for folks to wash hand prior to holding my child at under age 1 yr old. If they didn't like it so be it and too bad for them. I also request that folks not touch the babies hands or face if I was holding her without washing there hands. Sorry I know I must sound like a freak but it cut down on illness. My boys are all in school or prek and I require that when they come home 1st thing was hands! Guess what we aren't sick but maybe 1 or 2 times a year and Guess what else? I have noticed that if my kids have went to like McDonald's or someone's house that isn't real clean with hand washing (everyone has a friend like that) my kids always come donw with something if they don't wash their hands upon returning home. I do it when I get home from the grocery store etc. It has worked wonders over the past years (hand washing) in my house. Listen don't feel bad and hubby will be just fine your baby, your the mom, you are looking out for her best interest period. Best wishes and travel safe on your trip.