My Husband Wont Let Me Be Friends with This One Guy. Is This the Right Thing?

I can totally see how you feel he's limiting you, but guy-girl relations are always so tricky, and can lead to so much marital trouble even if you dont' do anything wrong per se. Just the fact that you can create a suspicious atmosphere is unhealthy. I think your marriage and your desire to make your husband happy and trusting is much more important than any friendship - family always comes first.
My husband and I trust each other 100%, b ut my husband always says that it's simply not proper for a married individual to have a close personal friendship (as opposed to the couple both being friends with the single) someone of the opposite sex. And I agree with him.

Also, I don't think there's an issue with your husband not having enough faith in you - it's simply natural for platonic relationships to unintentionally slip into unsafe territory, and I'm sure that's what he's concerned about.
Besides, you should take it as a compliment - your husband thinks you're too attractive for other men to control themselves :)

It's your husbands way of saying "it makes me uncomfortable, jealous, worrisome etc". I understand the limiting thing because you know yourself and know your not looking for an emotional or physical affair but these days marriages are hard to keep together. He's protecting whats his. My husband did the same once he found out a guy I was going to be working in a lab with at school was 'hitting on me'. I felt crushed I wouldn't be able to do research with my professor but in the long run he's right. I wouldn't want him hanging out with an old ex or a girl who had put the moves on him at one point.

Easiest thing to do: reverse the roles and see how you would feel. I personally feel that no one, men or women, repect people in marriages anymore. In this isolated incident I don't think it's a big deal, but if you're not allowed to hang out with anyone that would be different.

Sometimes guys do jump the gun with the jealousy thing but you haven't even talked to this guy in a while. Just move on.

Dear Angela,
I always felt that my children were blessings from God and that God's love for a husband and wife was manifested by conjugal love and the birth of a child to the couple. Before the child was conceived he/she was in the mind of God. If you believe, how holy and innocent is your child, and the love between a husband and wife will keep the child protected and encourage the child in their love, no matter what.
Friends are great to have as long as the perspective of God's blessing on the couple is not jeopardized. Blessings are a gift, not a given. Understand your blessings, then you can understand your relationships.
Have a Merry Christmas,
E.

What is this friendship worth? Have you found yourself thinking about Jeremy more than you should? More than you would running had you run into an old girlfriend? Would Jeremy be filling a void in your marriage? Have you ever "pictured" yourself with Jeremy?

I don't really have advise other than that when I am craving the attention of another male figure in my life, there is something I am missing in my marriage and I know to deal with it rather than giving into spending my attention on someone other than my husband. Emotional affairs happen all the time and can be just as detrimental to marriages as physical ones.

I think you have some tough questions to ask yourself. Marriage is all about compromise. This may be an area where you need to compromise especially since spending time with him will now be outside of work which could lead to temptations you never intended nor intended to deal with. It may also take time away from your family--unlike the first time you were friends with Jeremy. It is all very complicated and I wish you the best of luck in making the best decision for you and your family.

Dear Angela,
Now that you are an adult, no one makes you do things, they make a request and then you make your decision. It seems that you have an issue with "control". Toward the end of your post you started saying "I" using a lower case letter which suggests that you may be feeling like a child being scolded by a parent. You should pay attention to this because if it is so, this is something that could cause problems for you in the future. As for Jeremy... lots of good advice from the other ladies.
Best of luck to you,
N

If it was the other way around and you suspected that a female friend of you husband had feelings for him would you be just fine with them spending the day alone?. This will not make for a healthy relationship and while you may not want your husband to dictate who you should be friends with,most guys usually start off with a physical attraction and that is why they want to get to know you.
I think if he has a girlfrienfd and all 4 of you go out together then your husband can get to know him thats OK. but if the friendship is not including your husband it spells trouble.
Is thatfriendship worth your marriage?

I think your husband has every right to ask you not to see this man. He KISSED you! This is not just a friendship. If the situation were reversed, would you honestly feel comfortable with your husband spending time alone with a women who kissed HIM? I don't think so. Your marriage should be worth more to you than a friendship with someone you haven't seen in years. If there had not been a kiss I would say your husband was over reacting but a guy who kisses you cannot just be your friend. Your husband would worry that this guy would try subtle ways of poisoning your marriage & therefore eventually winning you. It is not fair to make your husband worry about this. Good luck.

While I can't tell you whether you should be friends with Jeremy or not, I can tell you what my husband and myself have decided. My husband and myself choose not to have friends of the opposite sex who are not family friends. It's just a choice we make to protect our marriage. Like someone said, male/female relationships can be tricky. We choose not to spend time alone with members of the opposite sex. You may not have feelings beyond friendship, but you can't be certain what the other person is thinking/feeling.

I'm with your husband you are married and have kids stop the relationship with this guy. How would you feel if your husband kissed another woman and then suddenly reconnect with her. Stay committed to your family and move on.

This is a sticky situation. If he was telling you to stay away from him "just cuz" then I'd tell him to go pack sand, lol. But since you are married, he has the right to tell you that he is uncomfortable with him, the same right you have if the tables were turned. How would you feel if the tables were turned? I don't think I'd like the other woman being friendly to my husband. I don't think your husband doesn't trust you, he doesn't trust him nor his intentions, so why put everyone in a situation where something could happen, since it did in the past. Sometimes we have to make unpleasant decisions out of respect for our spouse, and your husband has good reason, no matter how small some may think it is. Is this friendship worth causing problems with your marriage? If you follow through with the friendship, your telling your husband that his opinion in your relationship with him means nothing and you would be basically chosing a friend over your husband. Again, if your husband was saying don't see him "cuz", that would be a different story. Jeremy may not have feelings for you now, but maybe he does, or maybe he will again. Why take that chance. Sounds like you have a tough choice to make. Remember, if it were a woman with your husband, I'm sure you would not like that woman hanging out with your husband.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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Hi Angela,
While I am not a big fan of ANY married partner telling the other what to do or what not to do, maybe your husband is onto something here. Maybe he's not.
Is there a pattern of control like this is your relationship? If so, you have bigger fish to fry.
If not, you need to consider: Is this a big deal to you? How will it affect your life? Are you being honest with yourself about your feelings for Jeremy? Is his friendship worth your husband's feeling and trust?
You may be happily married enough to have only appropriate feelings for this guy, but he may not. You better be prepared for that!
I agree with the other ladies who suggested you put yourself in your husband's shoes. What would you like him to do? It's that simple.

If the situation were reversed, you'd feel the same way he does. Unless this is part of a pattern of controlling behaviour, respect his wishes.

Honestly, I can see why your husband feels that way. I don't see it as he is necessarily telling you who to be friends with but your friend before you were married to your husband, did kiss you. It doesnt' so much matter that he apologized later for the kiss but the fact that it happened. I would be very uncomfortable if something like that happened with my husband and a friend of his and would expect the same thing your husband is asking for. To me, the kiss sounds like a lapse in judgment but is something he wanted to do. You do what you feel is right but it will always make your husband uncomfortable if you remain friends with him. It just depends on what you want more, your friendship or your husband. I am not trying to sound crass but I definitely understand this situation from your husband's perspective.

Hi Angela,

I know it seems like a pain for him to feel this way, but I think he has something here.

Part of a healthy marriage is total trust. No matter how trustworthy you are, your husband has a legitimate concern about someone on the outside who might not have the same limits. (From what I've read, most affairs begin with friendly connections that have a little chemistry. If Jeremy has time on his hands - eg no wife and kids - it will be easier for him to connect you more than is appropriate!)

One of the best ways to understand your husband's feelings is to see how you would feel if there was a woman friend of his, who lit up when she saw him and had "inadvertantly" kissed him in the past. I, personally, wouldn't want her hanging around him. There is really no good that could come of it (does he really need another gal pal to build even a "friend" relationship with?) I'd ask yourself the same question.

Marriage is hard enough when all goes well. You (and he) don't need this outside distraction. Be thankful that you have a good marriage and stay focused. Just my two cents!

Hi Angela, Your husband CAN NOT tell you who you can be friends with...NO ONE can. He can ask you to limit your contact, or he can ask you not to see Jeremy. You are a grown woman with a child of your own now. He is your husband and partner not your parent. He is the one you married, love and have a child with...unless you have given him reason to be jelous in the past he needs to "get over it" and move on with his life. No good comes from being jelous or controling...in fact that just opens the door for a lot more problems in the long run. Talk it though, find out what is really on your hubby's mind and heart. Sounds like he needs some "positive attention" because he is insecure (at least around your Jeremy). Happy Holidays and best wishes

I think there is a lot more to your "friendship" than you are telling us.Just remember when you become a statistic and you are crying saying, I didn't mean for our friendship to become this deep, I don't know how this happened, and we were "just friends",your husband tried to protect your marriage by planting hedges,all you did was to step on those hedges. Only because you wanted your female ego stroked and didn't want him telling YOU who YOU could and couldn't be friends with. Did you ever hear of respect and committment? Obviously not!

It seems to me you really know the answer but you want reinforcement to what other women will do in a similar case. most of the comments are in the same side I am. There is always a trade off in life when taking decisions that will affect us in any aspect. Needless to say, do not put yourself in a position you know it could cause you problems and give you headaches. In the end, the most important things in life are our loved ones. That is, family.

Trust me, if you value your marriage, stay away from Jeremy. You werren't missing him that badly for 4 years. Don't even introduce the possibility of temptation into your beautiful little family. It is SO not worth it.:)

I have to agree with the other ladies. You need to reverse the sitution. If your husband felt a strong connection with a girl and wanted to connect with her...would you be upset? I know that i would. I also agree that male/female relationships are risky. That one post from trish is funny. I am glad that it works for her, but in many many many cases it does not. I could go on and on...but i think you need to really take your husbands feelings into consideration. He obviously loves you enough to be bothered by this. It is not control as another suggested! It is healthy jealousy from a loving husband. (yes there is unhealthy jealousy...but this does not seem to be the case)

Best of luck in your choices...but be careful you are in rocky waters...

Honestly Angela-
It sounds like Jeremy is a nice guy and I have been in the situation before. If you are in a realtionship with a guy married or not they will feel threatened by any other relationship with a guy and it will only cause arguments later and then you will have to hide the friendship with Jeremy and keeping secrets in the relationship only gets worse as it goes along until you get caught in the lie. It would not be fair to Jeremy or your husband to keep that relationship going and explaining that to Jeremy is the right thing to do and if he is as nice as you say...Jeremy will understand.

Good Luck!
S.

Hi, Angela:

Your husband has asked you not to be friends with Jeremy. You have the choice to either accept his request or deny it. The problem is: How are you going to deny his request?
You can go to family mediation in your area and talk with a mediator to help you or something else.

Good luck. D.
If it was a girl, there would be no problem. Don't give up your friend, they are very rare to find.

If you seriously feel 100% that you can be friends with him without it interfering with your marriage then you should have the friendship. If there is any doubt, listen to your husband's advice.

Just put everything in reverse. Would you be fine with your husband being friends with a girl and feeling so good and connected just like old times under exactly the same circumstances? Honestly? If so, fight for your rights. Personally, my husband's ex girlfriends and even just old old friends have been a living nightmare for me in ways I won't go into, And I used to be very "cool about it" which was why I got burned. Your first loyalty is to your spouse. His feelings in your marriage are more important that your desire to keep this friend. Or not, it's up to you. But he's told you how he feels.

Angela
You have a husband and a baby. Jeremy has already shown that he is interested in you romantically. Listen to your husband, he has a right to be concerned.

Angela, if you truly respected your husband and understood why he was setting this limitation on you, you wouldn't think it was unfair of him to tell you who you could and couldn't be friends with! Your second to last statement is an oxymoron!!
For the sake of your family, put the other guy out of your thoughts. You will gain NOTHING by becoming "friends" with him again - accept temptation. Remove the temptation!!

wow. well if you have the slightest bit of feelings for jeremy i would not give in to that. if you know that the both of you can maintain a relationship strictly as friends then explain that to your husband. personally i think your husband should trust you, but i can see where he would be concerned based on the past. i wouldn't put any unecessary strains on your marriage for a friendship that you've already lived w/o for the past few years. that's just my opinion.
good luck!

I think you may be playing with fire, and
know it - or you wouldn't be here looking for reassurance.

Don't use the "does he have the right to tell me who I can be friends with" thing. Of course he does NOT. The real question is WHY do YOU want to maintain a friendship with a man who does not respect your boundaries and relationships? If you have such a connection with Jeremy, why did you not pursue THAT relationship? If you value your marriage OF COURSE, you will not put yourself in a position where another man will cross boundaries and come on to you. If you really want the drama of 2 men wanting you, and breaking up your young family, then accuse your husband of being controlling (sounds to me like he is very intuitive and aware and has an inkling a small part of you may LIKE this attention and drama) and by all means defend your right to have any friend you want. I think you ought to be more concerned with the fact that you talk far more about this "connection" with a guy you haven't seen in 4 years, than the man you had a baby with.

I know it's hard, but I do think it's fair. Marriages get messed up all the time by this sort of thing. There is obviously a connection with you and J and it seems that your husbands instincts are right on. I known it's hard because you really connect with J but out of respect for your husband and marriage I think it is best to respect his wishes
I know how u feel that it feels like someone is telling u what to do, no one likes that.... But it's your husband's heart talking. He can tell that there is some energy there in your friendship with J. I know J makes u feel good, I totally understand, he gets u... But put yourself in your husbands shoes and imagine how u would feel if he had a girl he REALLY connected with and she wanted to be friends with him... And if she had kissed him. and how loved u would feel if he chose YOU. It will strengthen your marriage and love to let go of your friend for your husband and family. J obviously loves you.... It's too tricky. Please don't feel judged! I understand where u r coming from.