18 answers

My Friend Yelled at My Kid

Mamas.... help me feel better b/c I am SO freaking mad STILL!

The other night my friend came to visit me w/her daughter. I posted one time a while back about how our kids had a tiff and I punished my son more severely to appease this mom. I swore to myself I would NEVER over punish again to make someone else happy. He's my son.

So... we are in the living room visiting and the kids (both age 6) were in my son's room playing. The girl yells, not even a panicky yell, but a yell, so we go in there. She says that my son hit her. My son says the girl hit him. The mom starts to lose it and says, NO! and seriously starts YELLING at my child! I'm right there!!! So, I get mad and walk in a yell at her that he's MY kid and that I can yell at him myself thank you. I pick him up and walk off into the bathroom.

My son and I chatted about when anything happens not to hit, it's not okay, come tell on her. I told him that I did not appreciate that Mom yelling at him and that I am his mommy. After I took a while to cool down we came back out. I had my son apologize to the little girl and they went off to play again.

The Mom comes in and I told her that she was out of line and that she'd better not ever scream at my child again when I'm right there. She acted like it was utterly impossible that her kid could've hit too. She freaked out before she even knew what happened or gave either kid ample time to explain.

She was very very upset that my son didn't get punished. (nobody was bleeding, crying, bruised, etc. They are kids, things happen). I told her that we punish differently and I don't believe that screaming is the proper way to do it. I said that he doesn't get screamed at when he's in school. I also told her that she is teaching her daughter all she has to do is cry a little and mom will come in and freak out and save the day. I told her that she wasn't in that bathroom with my son and me and she had no idea what was said in there.

She came back with that I act like my son does no wrong and that he should've been punished and that she KNOWS that her daughter would NEVER have hit.

I told her her that no kid is perfect, all kids hit, and even if I do think my son is perfect I don't express it by screaming at her kid. Then I reminded her that he has an Autism diagnosis (PDDNOS) and that he struggles in social situations. He gets frustrated easily and that he is taking a social skills class at school to work on it.

She said that I was just "playing the Autism card" to excuse his behavior.

I said that I will not yell at my son about his social behavior and that will not teach him anything. I said that she doesn't know Autism well enough to understand.

She said she knows plenty about Autism. (as far as I know my son is the only person she knows with ASD)

We then kinda went off into apologies. She said she wouldn't over step that line again. But how the hell could she know anything about Autism? I've lived Autism for 6 years! She doesn't know the daily things that go into it! I'm just still very mad that she over stepped that line and began to YELL at my son before hearing out what happened, especially when nobody was bleeding or injured. It was a swat. Of course I want him to to know that hitting is not okay, but I'm going to believe him if he says another kid hit him too. Most importantly I am going to communicate with him and practice with him, not freak out and yell.

So.... I have been friends with this girl for a long time, but I can't do it anymore. I can't do play dates that will end in her freaking about her precious little baby and my little devil. I can't seem to let this go though... I've been stewing about it for a whole day. Any thing you can say to make me feel better Mamas? Have you ever had a mother straight up YELL at your child? What would you have done?

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thanks everyone!!! You gave me balanced perspectives and made me feel better! I don't doubt that my son hit her daughter. I guess what bothers me is how she acted like hers was 100% innocent. I think it takes 2 to tango. Just like with out own mothering fight it was both of us.

The Autism wasn't an excuse, but rather a reminder that yelling is ineffective. I want to educate him to not hit rather than scream at him about it.

I think I was very affected by her inability to hear both sides before jumping to a conclusion. It completely breached my trust. She used to be someone I'd leave my son with for an overnight. Now I feel like I can't even leave them in the same room together. I used to trust that she was a talk it out kind of mom, but I guess talking it out only pertains to her child and not any other.

I so appreciated hearing from ALL of you! I think I am going to distance myself. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. We have had plenty of other incidents and I don't think it's worth it anymore. I guess we will have to see... :-)

Featured Answers

I support you cutting off all contact where the children will be present.
She will not really change.

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Sounds to me like yours and hers MamaBear reaction is about the same. A perfect match. Too bad yall can't have a sense of humor about it.

:(

4 moms found this helpful

Easy solution: Stop talking to her, no more play dates.

I've yelled at my friends kids before. My friends have yelled at my kids before. HOWEVER, we know each other's lines, and we don't cross them. Like when my BFF yells at my son for throwing a rock at her window, good for her!! My son needs to hear from other people that it's not okay! Or when her teenage son got reeeeal mouthy with his mom one day, I stepped in and put him in his place, no sir, you don't talk to your mother like that, and you definitely don't do it in front of me.

You both need to lighten up. Kids hit each other all the time, they're BOTH guilty. The tattle tale is guilty. She's guilty for yelling, you're guilty for over reacting. You're both playing sides in favor of your own kids whether you'll admit it or not. You should be flattered that your friend thinks of your kid as her own, enough to lay down the rules. Either get on the same discipline page, or don't hang out... but do not expect to go through life being the only disciplinarian in your child's life. It truly takes a village.

4 moms found this helpful

Just try to hang with her when there are no kids around. Seems pretty simple.

3 moms found this helpful

Sorry but I can't stand when people use a disorder as an excuse and I agree hitting is an automatic timeout in my house and should be taken more seriously. She was wrong for yelling at him but in my house they would not have been aloud to go back to playing it would have been the end of the play date. If your child lacks the skills to handle social situations then they should be supervised play dates. I have friends with children that are autistic and they never use it as an excuse.

I did yell at one kid during basketball last year. He is always beating up on my child, the coach corrected him turned his back the kid started again. His mother was not there oh did I yell I told him if he ever touches my child again not only will I call his mother but I'll call the cops too. He hasn't even looked at my son wrong since then. He's mom excuse was he can't help it he has ADHD and sensory problems.....sigh...correct the problem don't make excuses for it.

3 moms found this helpful

Wow!! I'm shocked - this is the same one you posted about just last week about being excited to see!!

Bottom line? She's had problems with you and your son in the past - the way she treats your son is NOT acceptable and really, she doesn't sound like a friend.

Yelling at your son for supposedly hitting her daughter was not right. Using the Autism card doesn't excuse it - but it should help some understand. Since neither of you saw the incident with your own eyes - it's hard to punish for it...it's a he said she said...and the little girl is the drama queen.

I would just tell her that you are on different pages and that it is not in either of your best interests to be friends anymore...thank you for the memories..

3 moms found this helpful

I support you cutting off all contact where the children will be present.
She will not really change.

3 moms found this helpful

As for her yelling at your kid, she was in the wrong. If you had been at her house I would feel different. Since you were at your house, it should've been you to control the situation, not her. I can see where she overstepped, but as moms we all do at some point. It seems like maybe she was stewing about what, if anything, would happen this time around and that she was just 'waiting to pounce'.

I probably would've questioned both of them together. 'Becky what happened?' 'Bobby, what do you say happened?'. Then see if the stories match, and if they don't who's not telling the truth? As it stands now the mom still thinks her daughter was wronged because you talked to your son in the bathroom and wouldn't tell her what was said.

My suggestion would be to just not call her for play dates anymore. If she calls you to set one up, then you can address it at that time. 'well, i'm not sure. It seems that when the kids get together someone gets hurt and then you and I end up upset at each other.'

As for her saying that she knows about Autism, maybe she does. Maybe she has other friends or family members that are dealing with that.

M.

2 moms found this helpful

Yelling is ineffective with our without autism in the picture. It is a worthless way to communicate. My comment wouldn't have been "don't yell at him when I'm right there." Rather, "Don't yell at him ever. Period." She was out of line. I would suggest that you have the children play in the same room you are in. Don't let them go off on their own if this type of thing happens. It isn't worth it. I think it is good to monitor the activity of children, especially if you think there might be extenuating circumstances to do so, like what you mentioned. It's better for the children and the parents. And, kids tend to pull less of the "he hit me" garbage when they have adult supervision.
If she apologized, you have the choice to forgive her and move on, or hold a grudge and let the relationship go. It's up to you to decide what you want to do. If you hold onto the relationship, supervise your kids.

2 moms found this helpful

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