My Deceased Ex-husband's Family and Visits

Hi J.,
I grew up with a similar situation. I lived with my mom and unually only saw my dad in the summers. He is now deceased but I still have a very good relationship with my aunts, uncles and especially my first cousins on that side of the family. Regardless of what happened between my mom and dad they are still half of what makes me who I am. As an adult I am really, really glad that my mom never demeaned my dad or his family in front of me and always tried to keep me in touch with them and involved as possible.

As you said, now that daughter's dad is dead you don't HAVE to do anything. But for your daughter's sake I would treat her grandmother like you would want your own mom treated and give your daughter every opportunity within your means to have a relationship with her father's side of her family. I can understand not visiting every holiday but never helping them to visit (if they really need the help) seems like you've decided that you don't care if she never sees her grandmother again. Sorry if I am misinterpreting what you mean. Hope that helps.

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Dear J.,
It sounds to me like things were not really great with your deceased ex-husband. I would not be very happy if I had an ex who did not see my children more than three times a year. I am lucky that I have never had to deal with that issue.
I CAN say that it could happen that I would not be allowed to see my grand-daughter if something happened to my daughter, however,so I am coming at you from the other side of the issue. If my grand-daughter(BIO) and two step grand-daughters were to not be able to see me, and I, not them, my heart would totally break apart. There is a very special love that comes from a grandparent/grandchild relationship. I encourage you to try to find a meeting place or some kind of an agreement with her grandparents to make sure she still can visit with them. It isn't just for them that you should do it....your daughter needs to see them, as much as they need to see her....so do this for her. Unless they are bad abusive people, you may find you are sorry you DIDN'T work something out later in the future. I know money can be an issue, and it is not easy to work it out, but please try to talk to them, explain the money issue with them, and see if it can be worked out. You daughter will see you with respect because you put your own feeling aside for her. They, of course, can NOT have her every holiday! You sure are in the right there, but maybe a holiday here or there.
My prayers are with you, and I am sure this can be worked out.

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Hi J. - I think Kam and the others had some really great ideas that I echo. Now that her dad is gone, it is very important to help your daughter keep in touch with her grandparents. They have lost their son and it would be a tragedy if they lost their grandkid too.

It's pretty normal for you to feel detached from them or even animus toward them because of the divorce but they are your daughter's blood relatives and if they are decent people, they should be able to visit with her.

It is unreasonable for them to expect you to pay for all of the travel to visit every holiday. Again, that's where technology will help like Skype and the internet. I cant imagine they wouldnt understand that it's not practical money-wise to pay for her to visit every holiday. Perhaps she could go visit them once a year during summer break for a week or 10 days and you each could alternate paying for her travel or splitting the cost. I think what helps most in these cases is reassurance that you support them having a relationship with their granddaughter and that you will help in whatever ways are practical.

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It is not a bad thing for you to let them know that you can't afford to pay the 1/2 of travel anymore. BUT that you don't mind that they set up time with them. It is good that on Holidays that she gets to see them, but if they don't live close enough they need to remember that every Holiday is not an option. I am very passionate about children with the other family side. My in-laws & husband did not get the boys every holiday, nor @ times every other holiday. $$$ does not make them the grandparent/parent but it is their right as blood relatives to see the child. You may not have liked her dad in the end, but she needs to have the opportunity to spend time with his family. You should not have to pay anything for that visit. Just be up front with them about it. Show your daughter that you are there for her and if she want to see them, then she should get to. She is at the age to choose. I hope this helps.

Just be honest, "I don't have the money, I would love for you to see her but you will have to buy the ticket or come here to see her".

What does your daughter want? I do think that it is important that you try to keep them involved in her life, but I don't think that visits are the only way.

What if you paid for one trip a year? Maybe you could also invest in Skype and a web cam...I have never done this, or used one, but my sister in law has raved about it with her three kids away at college. That shows effort and will give your daughter a sense of paternal family. Although he was not around very much, he was still her father.

I would send a note to the grandma, or call and say that you appreciate her wanting to maintain a relationship with her grandaughter, and you are willing to do (whatever you decide). Practice saying it, if you are going to call. Don't be apologetic and be strightforward and resolved that this is the decision. If she has a good alternative listen and be open to see if it feels comfotable.

Hope it all goes smoothly.

Hi--
I was in this situation as a child. My suggestion, ask your daughter what she wants. If they are kind, well meaning people there is no reason why your daughter shouldn't get to see her grandparents if that is her wish. If she is not safe with them then that is a different story. However, try try to put yourself in your MIL's shoes. Your son dies and your ex-daughter in law is making it difficult to see your granddaughter. You shouldn't have to pay, and of course it is better for your daughter to have holidays with you, but make sure your communicate clearly with your daughter, who is old enough to have an opinion, and with your ex MIL, who understandably wants a relationship with her grandchild.
Set healthy boundaries and everything will work out.
Good luck!
J.

I agree with most of the others. You don't "HAVE" to do anything, but how would you want your mom/dad treated in the reverse situation?

I agree that if it would not be healthy for her to be with them, then it changes everything. But, if gramma just wants to see her granddaughter, I would talk to her, explain that financially you can't afford to send her, but you would be willing to compromise.

These folks are her blood, even if they aren't yours, and she may regret not being able to have a relationship with them.

She may be trying to fill his shoes but she is also probably trying to fill the void that he left in her. I do think it is important that your daughter stays somewhat connected with her father's side of the family, even though he wasn't there for her, unless there are issues that are not good for her there.

I think it would be good if you told them that you are willing to travel there say.. 1 or 2x a year, and that if they would like to see her more, you would love for them to see her if they don't mind making the trip.

Just politely tell them.

Explain to her that your ex really didn't have much to do with your daughter so his family wanting to have so much to do w/her after he's gone is confusing for your daughter.
Let her know that you're not able to provide transportation for her anymore, but if they'd like to see her & make arrangements w/you well enough in advance you'll have her ready to go so they can pick her up & drop her off. You don't need to give a reason, but if you'd like to, you can say (like you said here) you can't afford to transport her. You are more than willing to let her have a relationship w/her grandparents, you welcome her family in her life, but you're not in a financial position to transport her right now. Maybe that will change in the future (gotta give them hope) but for right now...
There are no "grandparent rights" so you don't have to give up every holiday to them. If she's a reasonable woman, let her know you'll be calling in a couple of weeks to figure out times for holiday visits, spring visits, etc. If they're willing to transport & she's wanting to go, plan a day or two (not sure how close they are or how comfortable w/this you are) for her to be with them AROUND the holidays, in the spring time over spring break, maybe a week in the summer... but get it on a calendar & have dates in your head when you'd like to have her go. Talk to her (daughter) too, before you set dates w/them, get her imput.
Good luck!

One quick note -- lot's of people keep saying you don't HAVE to do anything. And right now that is probably true. BUT if you make it really hard for the grandparents to see their granddaughter then they could seek to have a continuation of the custody agreement transferred to them. And then you would HAVE to. Unless there is a reason that your daughter would be unsafe with her father's family, try to be compassionate to them and let them see their granddaughter. If you are compassionate and caring in doing this you should be able to get them to cover the costs or come get her. Good luck!

Let her know that she is welcome to come visit on a few holidays. If you don't have a guest room, you can even suggest some inexpensive motels nearby.

Understand that your X just died. You may not be in mourning but his family is and your daughter is a part of him. So them wanting to be around her is like having a part of him around. Is that really so bad? Would you rather they just not want anything to do with her? Then that would only make you angry and complain again. If you don't want to take her to them or meet them half way then tell them I'm sure they'd be more than glad to find a way to pick their granddaugher up so they can spend time with her. I would. You didn't say how your X died. Maybe it was his illness that kept him away. He may have wanted to spare his daughter from seeing him in the stituation he's in. What ever his reason don't take it out on his family. Especially if they haven't done anything against their grand daughter, your daughter.