Help with Deceased Husband's Family Gatherings

Well, you didn't divorce your first husband. He died. The mourning for you is over, especially since you've been able to move on by creating a new family with a new husband. Your first husband's family doesn't have that luxury or capacity to move on and stop mourning.

What you need to understand is that spending time with your son and his father's family of origin is NOT being disloyal to your current husband. It's being loyal to YOUR SON and helping him forge and maintain a bond with them. It's very important for him to see you model a good relationship with them, so if it means spending an early holiday with them a week before, then I think you should do it for the sake of your son because he's only five years old. He's still so little.

I don't think that it's unreasonable for you to approach your son's grandmother about the financial issues surrounding the holidays. "You know, Esther, I enjoy the fact that you and Jacob and everyone else in the family are so generous to Jaydin. I know this can be a sticky subject, but I was hoping that from here on out when it comes to gift-giving holidays, Jaydin can be responsible for giving gifts to just you and and his grandfather. It would be so much easier on the budget and I think it would be easier for Jaydin to keep track of."

They love him, and what they want most is his presence, not his presents. So they won't care about gifts. They'll want to shower him with gifts, not be concerned with receiving them.

Lastly, if these are people that you can count on and love and you know they love you and are even welcoming to your new husband then I would be very hesitant to break off that relationship. Your son isn't their only connection to their lost son. You are too. And they honor his memory by being kind to you. Don't forget that.

11 moms found this helpful

This other family loves their grandchild, just as much as your parents love him.

He is as much part of their family as he is your family,

They sound VERY accommodation and I think this is a blessing to you and your family. Embrace it. Your son when he is an adult is going to appreciate this so much.. This is his life. It is no ones fault that your sons father died.

It is in no way a slap to your current husband that your son wants and loves his other grandparents and their family. This is always going to be his special life. They are going to help your son know his father. If it were you that had died, wouldn't you want your little boy to continue to see your parents and family throughout the year and especially Christmas?

Your son is so very blessed to have so many people love him.
Try your best to allow this.

9 moms found this helpful

I don't understand why it would be so awkward for your husband to attend the family gatherings - that is an immature way to look at it. It isn't like he took you away or anything like that. I think it is great your former in-laws want you and your husband to be a part of their family. I think it is sad that so much love is being offered and the two of you find it offensive and a burden. I'm not saying you need to be all chummy every holiday, but I do think it would be wise on all parts - for your son's sake - to find a way for everyone to be involved. Unless, you just want to handle it like a divorced situation and trade holidays so your son is the only one visiting his 'other' family.

8 moms found this helpful

i understand both sides: you and your new husband wanting to be together and have holidays together, and your deceased husband's family wanting to hold on to one memory left from their son.
i think it's awesome they accommodated you and moved their celebration one week earlier. i think it all comes down to compromise.
for the sake of your son you need to have him available and you should too. this is your family too, your son's grandparents and extended family. you also can maybe rotate holidays but on those you go to see the former in laws bring your husband too. make him a part of that too. but i guess i am trying to say is that while i know it must be difficult it just is for you. under these circumstances it would be great if you considered their feelings and needs too to see your son.
as for gifts, heck i say this for any situation, propose a secret santa, that way you don't break the bank.

5 moms found this helpful

I don't think you're the worst person on earth. But, with that said, please re-think what it is you are considering.
God forbid, let's pretend something happened to YOU.
You were no longer alive and your husband remarried. Fine. Wonderful. How would you feel if your husband cut off all ties with your family for the holidays because his new wife wasn't comfortable with it?
This is something I don't understand.
How can a dead person be a threat to a relationship?
Why can't the children continue to be loved by ALL the members of the family involved?
It's just my take on it, but your son's father's family likely feels that THEIR son, brother, uncle, whatever he was to each of them, lives on in his son.
They seem like pretty gracious people. They have tried to accommodate you and include accept your new husband as part of the family.
I am having a hard time understanding why you would want to sever the relationship with them.
They lost their son tragically, then they lose you and your son as well?
You have a new husband, a baby and a step child from your current husband's previous marriage. Does your step daughter continue to have a relationship with her mother's family?
Lord knows families can get complicated especially when they are "blended". I have a pretty "blended" family and we all just love each other and get along because family is family.
Even if it's awkward at times.
Yes, it takes a little more juggling. It takes a little more patience. It takes being the bigger person for the sake of the CHILDREN.
Your son will never know his father.
I mean no offense and it's just my opinion, but he really, really deserves to have a relationship with his father's family because he, in a way, lives on in them too.
Christmas isn't about presents so take that argument off the table.
Time is the greatest gift.
Your son's father died.
The rest of his family didn't fall off the face of the earth or disappear. They are still here and they love him.
Your current husband, being a father himself, should be mature enough to realize that he's not competing with a ghost.
He should consider graciously being accepted by a family who has tried to embrace him.

Again...
Just my opinion.

5 moms found this helpful

Make a luncheon date with your exMIL and or FIL, let them know exactly what you have said here, they don't sound like unresonable people, they could pick your son up for the party & maybe to visit for a couple of days for the holiday, don't do this over the phone as I think it would hurt them after all of this time being so close with the family.

As for the gifts, Granparents get gifts, from your son (maybe he could even make them something special), that's cool as he gets older he may want to give a special aunt/uncle/cousin something, other than that back to telling them the truth about your situation either they will understand or if they can't then your, 'I'm sorry I just cannot do this any longer' will have to do.

3 moms found this helpful

Your son is this family's link to their deceased son and they sound like very nice people, very accommodating and inclusive. That is wonderful.

I would continue to encourage the relationship, but would let them know that you'll be bowing out of future holiday get-togethers because your immediate family is forming new holiday traditions and that your son now has 2 siblings and your family unit will be together on these holidays going forward.

Also, if your son is 5, the 6 weeks of time spent w/ grandma and grandpa each year will be ending anyway if he's going to go to public school.

As for the presents, I would begin encouraging your son to choose a gift for his grandma and grandpa. Take him shopping and give him a certain amount to spend and it will come from him specifically. I would not continue gifting aunts, uncles, cousins and anyone else that you may be currently buying for.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

3 moms found this helpful

I can understand it would be difficult. I for one, need to have an alone Christmas with just my immediate family every few years.

Your child sees his family very often, even more than mine get too. Are you saying you want to stop the Christmas tradition, or stop visiting them entirely? Because that would be heartbreaking to the family to lose their grandchild like that, and heartbreaking to your child to not see his family as well.

For the years you want to stay home, just tell them you aren't planning on traveling and wish to stay home this year or that you have other plans. If they push it a week later, politely decline and just tell them you are relaxing at home this year and continue to decline. I like your party idea. Just tell them you are dropping him off for an hour and will pick him up. You do have other children and a family. You can't always please everyone with your time, so you do need to learn to put your foot down.

As for your current husband and his child, why can't they come? I understand suicide is a tragic loss, and awkwardness could happen, but so many nuclear and step parent families can still incorporate into the new family in a healthy and positive way. It sounds like your husband is putting undue burden on you at the same time if he can't visit at least every once in a while. It's not a slap in your husband's face that the child and his family still love each other and spend time together. That's a very poor attitude he has.

As for gifts, no way. I don't even get gifts for everyone in my own family. We actually draw names, so much easier and less expensive! Don't bother with the gifts! You can even politely tell them, "We are cutting back on giving gifts this year to extended families, thanks for understanding!!" You can still present the grandparents with something special or a hostess gift, but no need to go all out for everyone.

3 moms found this helpful

I can surely understand where you're coming from. They must be some really nice people. I guess they figure that your son is all they have left of their son. I think you have done this tradition long enough. I would go the week before like they arranged it...and hubby can go...we have this in our family too and the new hubby goes...he is a good man too. As for the gifts....no way...it's just too much....I don't know if I would come out and tell them about the financial burden part....I would probably think of some other reason not to buy gifts. But...for sure...gifts for the grandparants...something personal from your son...not store bought...like handprints on a t-shirt....or framed school pictures...or prerecorded cards or books. That is my suggestion.

3 moms found this helpful

The fact that they include your current husband should show you that they only want to have that part of their loved one around and will accomodate in order to do it.

I think it's commendable that they are still wanting to be a part of your sons life and how AWESOME it is for him (and for you guys) to have not just 2 families but 3 that love and support him and you. What a blessing.

I would talk with the "other" family. Let them know how you are feeling. let them know you can no longer financially "buy" for everyone (not sure I wouldn't tell the other families that too) and that you are trying to do what's best for the family as a whole.

You are not at all a bad human. I do think your current husband needs to look at the big picture and see that these people aren't trying to negate his position, but love your son the only way they know how.

My ex husband and his wife and current SO got together for my daughter's graduation. They were nice and cordial and they ALL loved on our son. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable for anyone. There just has to be some boundaries. And that starts with a conversation...

Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

2 moms found this helpful

Would it work for you to go early with your son and see if they would invite your husband too? He has adopted your son and is in his life as his dad now so maybe it would make your son feel better to have him be part of his life with the other side of his family. I don't know if that would work but it might make you feel better going and include everyone. I don't know the people so maybe this wouldn't work.

2 moms found this helpful

Oh wow, I'm sorry for you, this does sound difficult. In the end, I think you are right. It's time for you to move on and it's okay. I've never been in this position so I guess I don't really know how I would feel on either of you parts, but the key is to be as gracious as possible, which I think you are trying to do. I think you need to pick the head of the family, probably MIL, and have a sit-down with her (on the phone). Just tell her straight up that you have gotten to a point where you are need to focus on your current husband and both children and you'd like to set up a more permanent routine on when your son will visit them. I think you are specifically going to have to address that you won't be staying with them during Christmas dinner (other other holiday function) but will only drop your son off. I think that the present thing will probably just go without being mentioned. I mean if you're not there, then they'll get it I think. I might consider though buying or making something for your son's grandparents each year. I mean grandparents rank a little higher in my opinion.

You're in a tough position but likely the family will understand over time if not right away. Do what you feel comfortable doing and it sounds like you're ready to move on, and that's okay. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

My husband has a son from a previous marriage and I have a son as well. We spent Christmas day at the home of his sister-in-law. She is always hosting gatherings at her home and always invites my entire family to attend. When I go, I never feel unwelcomed but welcomed and simply loved. It is the strangest thing. I would think it would feel awkward but it really doesn't. My step-son's mother was also invited to come with her parents but declined. She was even told the possibility that her son would be there and still opted not to attend.

I would try to encourage your husband to go at least once and get to know where your son comes from. Family is very important.

Now my son's family on his father's side never invites me to anything. We were never married and I try to be as respectful as possible. It seems to me like they just don't like me which is fine. I have had to make decisions in the best interest of my son which they feel has been at the expense of their son. I just feel like you can agree to disagree and everybody get along at the end of the day. They feel differently which is fine.

Your son is blessed to be loved and you are blessed to be included. Figure out a way to be inclusive even if it isn't on the actual day. The awkwardness of it all will fade away in time but you have to be willing to have relationship with them. I guess that would be something for your current husband to work on. Children grow into teens and teens definitely take a village to raise and it is best for all the adults to be on the same page.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't see how it's a slap in the face to your current husband that you continue to have a relationship with the family of your deceased husband. They are FAMILY to your son. And your husband surely knows that you once loved this other man, right? It doesn't change the love you have for the new husband, but you can't erase the old love either.

I think your current husband needs to take a step back and realize that when he married you, he married your extended family, just like you married his. It's not traditional, but it's the way your life is. So why not have him attend gatherings with your son's grandparents? That said, you can spend Christmas Eve with whomever you want. It's wonderful that your son's grandparents and aunts and uncles want to be a part of his life. Please don't cut them out because you're worried about your new husbands feelings. I like the idea of doing a holiday celebration with them a week before or after.

As for presents, I think you can offer to all families involved (old husband, new husband, etc.) that people provide gifts only for kids. That way you can buy for neices and nephews and not all the adults too.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you should spend Christmas Eve with your husband and 3 children. You don't owe them extra because their son died. However, I think you should make every effort to make sure that you son sees them for the holidays. It sounds like they are willing to be accomodating...

Is there someone you can discuss this with in his family? Who have you been closest to? Explain, that having your kids together for the holidays is important to you, and you would love to celebrate with them, but Christmas Eve and Christmas is off limits. Or perhaps, you can find a compromise where your son visits some other time during the holidays.

Do you have to be involved? No, but I might suggest you slowly make your exit - you don't want to hurt them. Your son is quite young - but slowly back off and let the visits be for him, and you find other things to do.

I think it is great your son has all these people to love him, but you are okay to set boundaries for your family - that would be true even if you were still with your first husband. It's okay to have nuclear family time with no inlaws!! Just be upfront - let them know you aren't trying to pull him away, but tha tyou need to make some changes to focus on your nuclear family.

Gradually slow the gift giving. Let your son give the gifts next year, age appropriate, homemade cards, bath salts for Grandma, etc. Start to set the tonethat this is your son's family, not your's/ Send a fruit basket or flowers for Christmas Eve so they know you are thinking of them and say "See you soon!"

I think it is great they are so good to your son, and that they care about you. Don't underestimate the value of that. You were once part of their family and through no fault of their own, your aren't really anymore. But your son is, so be generous and thoughtful because they are important to your son. But don't feel guilty.

1 mom found this helpful

wow, you are a very lucky lady!! I know lots of families that would love for their ex's family to treat them that way!! But enough of that. I would not sever the ties of this at all. I would simply try to talk to your former MIL, and tell her that although you love her and appreciate her, but starting next year you and your new hubby will be celebrating Christmas as a family. Tell her exactly what you want to do, and what you don't want to do. Maybe you can invite her and your ex FIL over for a little Christmas celebration a week or so before Christmas and that way they won't feel left out. And then maybe your son can go visit them again, after Christmas. Tell her it is very important for you to celebrate as a family, with your husband and all the kids. Good luck to you. I think it's wise to start thinking of this early, that way you'll have a lot of time to think about what you want to say.

1 mom found this helpful

No, you are not the worst person on the earth...you have a new family that matters to you. Of course your son needs to see his other family for holidays and as often as he can go. It is not their fault his father is not around, he is their family too.

I think very highly of you for allowing him to go, you are being very nice to help him have this side of his family.

I think they are not your family anymore, you do not need to go. If you do not feel comfortable letting your son travel alone to these family get-events, like if someone came and picked him up and he went and spent a week or so of Christmas vacation with them....then you need to plan on going and renting a hotel room in the same town just so you can be there if needed. It could be a mini vacation for hubby and other child, swimming, hot tubs, fun activities in the other city, all kinds of things.

As for gifts, if he asks if he can buy something for XXX or XXX then I would tell him he can earn as much money as he wants to and then pick something out for them. That way he learns the value of a dollar and it really is a gift from him since he earned the money.]

1 mom found this helpful

I think that you need to sit down with them and remind them that while you want to honor his dad's memory, your son can't replace his father and he has additional family now and those traditions are also important.

My uncle died when I was 19 and his son was 3. My aunt felt pulled in so many directions. Now they do Easter with them, Thanksgiving with her new inlaws and Christmas with her family. It works for her and no more running around and not enjoying anything. She had to lay it out for them because some of her late husband's siblings were firmly rooted in their grief (there are still stupid things being said/going on) and it was not healthy for the boy, who didn't really remember his dad and loved his stepfather as his dad.

If you also feel like you can't afford the extra gifts, I'd tell them that due to finances, you aren't shopping anymore for everybody. Long ago we trimmed the list to nobody under 18 except for birthdays. My cousins are all underemployed and one's a single mom and I absolutely would rather just see her than have her feel required to give me a gift!

I am not saying you have to cut them of visits, but I think things need to be adjusted. He visits them quite a bit if he spends 6 weeks with them through the year (more than some non-custodial parents get!). You are his mom. YOU get to say if he sees them at Christmas, too, or not. You all have a new life. If they can't respect you on this, then maybe you need to consider the whole picture and whether or not this is a healthy thing for your son. While he has a connection to them, your husband is his father now and DH deserves the time with his son as father and son, not son and add on guy. KWIM?

They may not be happy, but your life and your son's life has changed.

1 mom found this helpful

I would write a nice card and include the parts above where you say something like: "it is akward for your current husband and that you wish to spend holidays with your current family, but not deprive them of their grandson so he can come over at some other time but not during Christmas. Furthermore, due to economic conditions, we are having a very difficult time affording presents for the extended families and are planning to send a box of cookies (or one of those fruit things that look like flowers, or if they drink, some bottles of wine, something that can be shared) from our family to yours for you next gathering". You have every right to want to focus on your new family and exactly what you explained makes sense. Just put it in positive terms, not complaints. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful