My Daughter Won't Stop Lying

Dear Y.,

I know how frustrating it can be when our kids behave in a way that we don't like. However, rather than just getting your daughter to stop lying, a more effective approach is to discover what is going on for her that she feels she needs to. She needs something and she is trying to convey that to you. Here is an article I wrote for parents about kids who lie. I hope it is helpful.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/4/6_Pants_O...

If I can be of any further assistance, feel free to contact me. I also have an exciting parent workshop series coming up next month and would love for you to join. Here is the link for the full class description.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Classes.html

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist& Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

1st, she is at that stage, 2nd pick your battles. Now sounds easy, but the more you corner her on her lying the better they get...Some have a want to be good, others don't. Careful at this stage..I would not ignore it, but it might be good to kinda go with the flow..when she wants something say "NO", she will ask why then say you lied about "xyz" so no. If there is no immediate consequences for lying (and as adults there is not, it is later) then she will learn. It will not be a battle either. Don't get "caught up" and frustrated, that is reaction and some do it just for that! But keep a mental note, and be calm and nonchalant about it and be mater of fact. Good luck I have a 7(almost8 yr old) who has perfected this, and punishing does NO good on anything. It is a matter of out smarting him that works.Being one step ahead or at least aware of what is going on that saves our minds!

Lying, while objectionable, is a part of human nature and human development. Your daughter is on track, lying is something she has discovered more fully lately, so she is trying it out. Testing her limits with it. Lots of kids at this age do the same thing. Rather than trying to eradicate it, as you would with other natural developments, you learn to manage it. Confront her when she does it and have a reasonable punishment. (a six minute time out) This should be a passing faze as she learns more about interacting with people. If it continues past this year or becomes too pervasive then you will need to look into why she does not feel secure enough to tell the truth. As of now, she is learning about influencing others, and how to get the things she wants in life. Encourage and praise her when she chooses to tell the truth. This maybe harder than it sounds, you end up hearing things you don’t like very much when kids tell the “whole truth” or their version of it. When I was about 7, I told a person at the college where my father was interviewing for a job, that my Dad had been fired from his last job. (In truth, his past employers were planning layoffs. My father was last hired and so was very likely to be laid off. Therefore, he chose to quit.) My mother wanted to snatch me bald. Just make sure you can handle the truth before you preach on about honesty.

Y.,
This just came to me off the top of my head, it's not based on any experience or anything. But why not give her a taste of her own medicine? Tell her little lies about something small. When she sees that she doesn't like to be lied to, than maybe she understand that it's not nice to do that. Giving her a concrete experience might help her to contextualize the concept of lying and understand that it's not nice to lie to mommy.
I also agree with Dana, it is completely normal.

it's weird i've been reading a lot of parents posting that their 5/6 year olds are lying a lot..maybe it's just a phase..instead of punishing maybe see if u can find a children's book that has a story about liars? try having her watch Pinocchio ..then when she lies..say.."a oh...your nose is growing you're going to have a long big nose!!" haha..i like to play towards the imagination like my mother did to me..she may like the attention she is getting when she lies..so just try being playful about it ...have her read and see things about lying.
my mom would call me "Fibber MaGee" when she'd catch me in one i remember.

Hi Y.,

My now 11 year old son was quite the liar at the same age. He loved telling whoppers! My husband and I would consistently deny him priveleges and perks when we caught him in a lie (which meant the kid had no life) and kept trying to drive the message home.

The lying came to a screeching halt in the 1st grade when he was accused of stealing something valuable from his classroom. Since he had a history of lying, no one, not even his parents, believed him and he stood to face the punishment alone (lots of school detentions). As it turns out, he was telling the truth, and the real thief was caught.

When my son mockingly asked me if I felt guilty for not believing him, I said no, I did not (he was quite upset that I, his biggest champion, did not believe him). I told him that for the previous 2 years I had listened to his lies, spent my life "trusting but verifying" and time after time my trust was violated. If he was such a consistent liar, why would I believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth. I told him that if he wanted me to believe him, then he better start telling me the truth. He has been the straightest arrow ever since, so much so that people who knew him then and know him now are still amazed at the change.

So, stick to your guns. Let your daughter suffer the consequences. She'll learn.

Good luck.