My Daughter Was Asked to Be a Flowergirl

No, you are not being unreasonable about this. If they really felt it was important, they would not have phrased it the way they did and would have put a little more effort and importance to it. So I would not feel obligated in any way. In fact, the way they put it, THEY probably felt obligated to ask. Take it as a fun trip with you and hubby without the kids and if the MIL and FIL have a problem, that's on them. I would just state it simply that you decided to make it an "adult" trip and if they bring it up again, I would just re-state that and say that plans are made and they are final and change the subject! Good luck and have a fun trip!

No, I think it's perfectly acceptable. You're entitled to have a "couples trip" and if your mom is willing to watch the kids, I think you guys should take advantage of the fact that you'll be "kids-free" for a few days. Your brother in law and his bride isn't going to be inconvenienced as they already have 3 other flower girls other then your daughter. Besides the way they asked you seems a little rude to me. "if your daughter wants to be a flowergirl, she can?" - I don't know, but it seems like they're asking you more because of obligation to ask - rather then actually really needing you guys to do so. I say, don't worry about it, and just enjoy the wedding with your hubbie.

I think you are asking for permission to say "No!" Well we are giving you that permission. Well you do not have to put it exactly that way (LOL.....) I feel this is totally acceptable. Actually from the way you were asked, I bet they are asking out of obligation to make his side of the family feel involved. I bet you they will be okay with you passing on the invitation. 3 Flowergirls are already over the top. I think you should handle the situation by first very gracefully saying "Mike & Mindy.... We are very flattered and honored you want Lexie in your wedding. We are very touched that you would think of her. We are aware that you already have great representation of a flowergirl; so we feel to keep things as simplistic as possible and to help the ceremony go smoother; we will pass on the acceptance." "You guys are so important to us, there will be other opportunities for you guys to have special times and cermonies where she is included." Then make a little light humor and say; "You know how much of a challenge it is to get one little Princess down the aisle; can you imagine 4?" OMGoodness.... Plus this gives Mike and I an opportunity to travel kid free and really help you celebrate the start of your life together. Thank you soooo much for asking though. We will see you at the wedding. Let me know if there is anything else I can do or any assitance your furture wife may need that day or the days prior; let me know."
Then go to the wedding and kick off your shoes and enjoy yourself girl... HAVE FUN!

I don't think there is anything wrong with your decision at all. It makes sense. It just works better for your family, that you and your husband travel alone, and your two children (whom only one of was invited to participate in the wedding) will stay with your parents back home.

If you feel you MUST explain, add that you and your husband could use some time for yourselves just as a couple as well, and this seemed like a perfect opportunity. Just don't fall victim to feeling like you 'should' have had your daughter participate. It sounds more to me like she would be lost in the crowd. If she is anything like my own daughter, she probably wouldn't enjoy being dressed up and paraded around with a group of people she hardly knows. And really, that's what it would amount to for her, isn't it?
Be gracious, but you really don't need to make any apologies. "It just worked better for us" ought to be sufficient. The more you explain, the less authority your decision conveys to the person hearing your explanation.

I think your husband should decide--it's his brother after all.

I think that you need to do what is best for your family, but keep in mind that you will probably get the cold shoulder from your extended family.

When I was 6 months pregnant, my BIL decided to schedule his wedding 4 hours away 2 weeks before my due date. I have a history of serious complications and even delivered my son 4 weeks early. He wanted my hubby and son to be in the wedding. We told them no and my OB said absolutely not! My MIL hasn't talked to us since then. This was totally not our fault, but some how we were made out to be the bad guys.

We had to do what was right for my health. It still hurts my feelings that she treated us this way, but honestly, it was better than delivering a baby on the side of the road!

;

No -I would totally go and leave the kids at home! Have a fun weekend with your husband! YOU aren't being unreasonable at all, and it's not like they said, "We really want _____ to be our flower girl." They already have 3! Does it really matter that much what your inlaws think?

Think of it this way -when the wedding happens and you're sitting in a motel room with your kids at 8PM while everyone else is having fun at the reception -after having schlepped the kids across country-are you going to be delighted that your inlaws are happy or REALLY pissed that you did things their way?

You have young kids a 4 1/2 and a 20 month old. You should be able to go to the wedding and enjoy it and know your children are being taken care of at home. I would think your family would understand specifically your BIL with his " If your daugther wants to be a flower girl she can" Since he asked you can say she doesn't and she'll stay at home with her brother. Tell them how excited you are to celebrate this happy occassion with them and let it go. If your in-laws have something to say nip it in the bud. Have fun and NO you are not being unreasonable you are being a good mom.

I think that the statement "If your daughter wants to be a flower girl, she can" was in a way inviting and being inclusive as to not leave her out. No hurt feelings that way if you could pull it together.
If you have someone to stay with your kids while you attend the wedding, then go. Just you and your husband. It won't be the end of the world if your kids don't attend. Heck, I imagine it wouldn't be the end of the world if you and your husband didn't attend either if it just wasn't humanly possible.
I think they were just trying to include your daughter as opposed to it being a life or death thing...they have two other flower girls.
In my opinion, weddings can be really romantic and it might be fun for just you and your husband to go. Have a little time to kick up your heels and make the most of a trip for just the two of you. Your MIL might want your daughter involved to the extent of offering airfare, but there's a lot more to travelling with kids than just that. I don't know how old your daughter is, but it's my guess she wouldn't feel left out or like she's missing anything unless someone makes a stink about it.
I think you should be fine with leaving the kids home....but that's just me.

I hope you get it worked out.

I strongly suggest that you not read between the lines. Accept what ever someone says at face value. If you think there is some hidden meaning ask about it.

Weddings are primarily adult functions. I agree that leaving your very young (4 1/2 and 20 mos) children at home is the best thing to do. They will not enjoy the wedding and in fact may not do well having their routine upset. The in laws, who would perhaps ordinarily enjoy seeing them, will be involved in the wedding and not have time for them. Besides, it sounds like they will be visiting you soon and will be able to enjoy them then.

I strongly believe that we need to make decisions based first on our own needs. We should consider others wishes but should only act on them if doing so does not take away from what we need. You do not need to sacrifice your energy, money, time to meet the wishes of the rest of the family.

I'm actually not clear, here, what is actually needed and what is just a wish. Your daughter as a flower girl is not needed nor does it appear that it a strong wish. "if, she wants to be." I think you've come to a reasonable conclusion based on what you wrote. I'm not sure about your mil's offer to pay for her air fare. You've said nothing to indicate to me why she made that offer. Except for your comment towards the end that your inlaws will consider you to be inconsiderate. I think that if they think you're inconsiderate that they are inconsiderate. You are adults responsible for your children. The decision is yours to make.

Your post does make it seem that it's important to have equal family representation as if the two families are in competition with each other. Do you really want to get into that game? It's like "keeping up with the Jones." No one wins and everyone eventually loses. Love and concern for each other is what works to keep families together.

You are being reasonable. Perhaps it will help if you and your husband are clear and united about your decision you will feel less anxious about your in-law's opinion. I suggest that if you give specific reasons for your decision that you are opening the conversation to your in-laws countering with reasons against your reasons. You can say that it's best for your children if they stay at home. Be gracious but firm.

As Michelle M. said, "go, kick off your shoes and enjoy yourself... Have fun!"

I would leave your kids at home unless your in-laws (mother and father-in-law) are really looking forward to seeing your kids there and willing to pick up the slack on childcare. If they aren't and they just want them there because they feel like the whole family should be there then that's silly.

Could you just bring your daughter and leave your son with your mom. Everyone would be happy. Each of your kids would have an adventure..time one on one with someone they love. Your daughter would get to the wedding it would make your in laws so happy. I would do it for them and for your daughter.
Your mom offered to watch your kids. Watching one is easier.
I would tell them what your budget is for the bridemaid dress ...especially since your flying out. I would defintely 100% go the wedding. It would be a wonderful experience. Plus your in laws will be there..maybe you could line up babysitting for one night? Take care. Kim

Unreasonable...no, not really. BUT weddings are about family and if it's important to him it might be worth the effort. I know that he didn't make much of an effort to see you guys while near you, but now that he's starting a family of his own, maybe he sees things differently. Also, the grandparents will want to see your kids and other family members besides the brother. It's a good chance for your kids to interact with some of their family that they don't get to see very often. I dont know what I would do and I certainly can understand your point of view. I don't know how old your children are, and I do understand how hard it can be traveling with 2 little ones for sure. I know you said you don't want to leave your daughter with "an adult she doesn't know" but couldn't you rely on the nannies or hire a sitter to sit with the kids while you enjoy the rest of the reception. I'm sure your daughter would probably make fast friends with the other little girls. Weddings seem to do that for kids...they all meet each other run around and dance like crazies! That is sort of getting the best of both worlds isn't it?

My real suggestion is to just think it through some more and consider the option of taking the kids more seriously before deciding against it. In the end, it may not be worth it to bring the kids and that's okay, but at least think about it. If you live a ways away from that side of the family, there may not be other opportunities besides things like weddings (and funerals, god forbid) to bring you all close together. If possible, take advantage of this time!