I'm in the Wedding Party!! Hubby Is Not :-(

Hubby and I have been involved in many weddings..some together, many seperate. Its the bride and grooms choice and we are not actually a package deal! Often allowances are made for the "couple-dom-ness" that we are, for things like the rehearsal dinner...if they (Wedding party) plan to stop at a bar for a drink before heading to the reception, etc. (whichever of us not in the actual wedding party is usually invited along...or offers to drive and just drinks a soda, etc.)

It works out, but I don't see any reason why a bride and groom would be obligated to ask a full couple...JMO~

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They have the right to have whomever they want in their wedding party. Not ideal for you and hubby since you will have to sit separately, etc. But, this is not about you. Sucks, but smile and make it the best day you can for your brother!

So, no, not faux pas and your husband has no right to feel slighted.

Is this "your wedding is really about ME on mamasource day?" =)

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Why would your husband think he would be in the wedding party? Your brother was a groomsman in your wedding because he is your brother not because of anything to do with your husband. Just like your brothers are groomsmen in your brother's wedding.

So no, your husband has no right to be indignant!

Why did your daughter being flower girl confuse him? She is your brother's niece. Honestly doesn't your husband understand he is just an in law?

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It is not a faux pas. Your immediate family member is getting married, thus you were asked to be in the wedding party. Other than being "your husband" and an "in-law" your spouse has no blood relation to the bride or the groom. Looks like they made the decision that was best for *their* wedding.

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at least he doesnt have to rent a tux! theres an upside to everything.

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Since when is it that if you are in mine it's a slam dunk I am in yours? I just do not get it.

Oh, and I have no say in who stands up for my man when the time comes and he has no say in mine ... the only thing we have to agree upon is the number of people.

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I would NOT be annoyed in the least.... If anything I would feel annoyed if I was obligated to have my wedding party consist of people who'se wedding party I was in! lol. There is no 'tit for tat' when it comes to selecting members of the party. The groom has the right to choose who will be in his party from his close friends and other family... after all, this day is for him (mostly his wife... but him too! lol) not your husband! I wouldn't feel indignant in the least.

When my fiance and I get married, only one of my brothers will be in the wedding party.. the others will not. But that's because my brother and fiance are friends, and my fiance's only brother passed away. BUT when my brother gets married, my fiance WON'T be in his wedding party... because he has 3 other brothers, and HIS close friends who HE will want to ask... which is totally OK with my fiance.

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It might have been fun for you both to be in the wedding, but being asked to be in a wedding does not mean you have to reciprocate. The wedding is about the bride and groom and THEIR big day, not everyone who's big day they have been a part of.
Sorry, IMO I don't think either you or your husband have any reason to be upset about this one :)

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I think people should have whomever they want stand up in their wedding. I don't think it should be tit for tat.

But I also feel the reason he was in your wedding was because of you not your husband. I remember when my brother got married after my sister and I he felt obligated to have his BIL's in his wedding. But my feelings were my brother was in my wedding because I wanted him in it, not so much that my husband did.

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He can ask whoever he wants to be in his wedding. There's no ettiquette. He has a right to feel however he wants. No one has to invite a spouse. No one has to invite a relative. No one has to invite someone in a "payback" type situation. It is what it is. As long as he's not being a jerk about then that's ok. I think it's quite an honor to be asked to do a reading. That's a solo gig for an important moment during the ceremony. Being a groomsman just means he shells out money for a tux and stands there bored and forced to do pictures, lol. A reading is important.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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I don't see what he's all that upset about. My husband was a groomsman at his sister's wedding a few years back, and had to escort one of the bridesmaids. The day was about my SIL, not me. Besides, after the seated dinner, everybody usually does their own thing anyway.
Seriously, if that's the biggest 'hurt' he has going on in his life right now, I'd say you guys are doing pretty terrific. Go and have fun. At the very least, it's a free meal and a party.
Oh, the wedding was in Pgh (my hometown) they took the Pittsburgh Party Bus and when my husband showed at the reception, he was so damn drunk from being nervous, I had to babysit him all nite!

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I agree with Kay B., Kate L., Sharie B, Lauri and Tracy, etc.

He should count himself lucky and neither of you should worry about it.

Good luck to you and yours.

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I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed the sentence

We also just found out (through my MIL who had heard it from my mom on AIM, which is so much weirdness I can't even sum it up) that our daughter is going to be the flower girl

Except for the fact that you live in Pittsburgh and I don't know you..... I'd swear we were in the same family!!!!!!!!

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I actually was under the impression that doing a reading was a bigger honor than being a groomsman -- and just standing there.

I actually hate being in weddings. I would prefer not to be asked, so I could just go and enjoy the day.

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This kind of thing is one of the many reasons we decided not to have a wedding party.

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My husband was in his brother's wedding and I wasn't which was fine by me! I didn't want to deal with all that non sense of spending money we didn't have for a dress I'd never wear again, hair, make up, etc. I liked that I could sit back with my In Laws and enjoy the day in stead. And I got to poke fun at my hubby when he was dancing during the reception with the rest of the wedding party! lol

Your hubby needs to realize that just because YOU wanted YOUR brother in YOUR wedding doesn't mean that your brother has to have him in his.

S.

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I actually happen to think that being asked to do a reading at the wedding is a equally great honor. Why is he not appreciative of that? I just don't understand why your husband would choose to feel upset at not being asked to be one of the groomsmen.

Although your husband has not been asked to be a groomsmen, he has been included in the wedding ceremony, albeit in a different capacity. Maybe it is not the same but it was very thoughtful that the bridal couple asked him to represent them that way.

That's just how I see it.

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He should not be upset. Many factors go into the selection. It is not personal.

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When my sister got married last summer my husband was thrilled not to be in the wedding. I was a bridesmaid, my twin daughters were the flower girls and my son (along with my mom and dad) walked my sister down the aisle (she has a special relationship with my son, she was his PCA for many years) and with the 4 of us being in the wedding that was expensive enough.

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We just went through this. We are getting married next summer. We have one couple that we're both friends w/. I picked the girl as she had me in her wedding and I am also close to her. My fiance was conflicted about whether he should ask the guy or not (our parties at this point were 6 each). It was made even awkwarder as the girl kept saying "Who's your fiance going to pick in his party? My husband would be great at it!" So he felt pressured to ask the guy. I told him that it's our d*** wedding and we don't owe anyone anything. He ended up picking the guy (now making 7) but I stand by my ground and still feel completely unapologetic. The only business people have in my wedding is what I give them. I know this sounds harsh but I feel that if you don't take that stance, then you will not have the wedding you want.

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Of course he has a right to feel that way! But it obviously wasn't personal. Sounds like you all have a pretty good relationship with the bride and the groom. In the end it probably just turned out to be a numbers game and honestly, if all three of her brothers are in the party I would assume that your brother really just let her have HER way (even though the groomsmen should be HIS choice, but whatever...). It is what it is. At the end of the day, it's just ONE day in your lifetime, and it's really about the bride anyway.

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I wasn't invited to my SIL's bachlorette party, and I wasn't in their wedding (my girls were their flower girls.) My guy has been in 2 weddings (one of which I wasn't even invited to)... I hope it doesn't bother him, didn't bother me a bit!! :)

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When I got married I had two sister that were a jr. bridesmaid and MOH. FIL was best man and my little brother was ring bearer. My hubby has 3 brothers and two 'like-dad' uncles and to include them in the party I would've had to find/ask 2-4 more people. So the brothers became ushers and the uncles participated by lighting the candles during the opening music. To my knowledge no one complained.

You could volunteer him to be an usher ...

When my BIL got married, he asked his brother (hubby) to be a Groomsman. I was not invited to be bridesmaid, but to help plan the wedding. 1 week before the wedding one of the bridesmaids from out of state admitted that she couldn't make the wedding and hadn't even ordered her dress which she had said she had a month earlier. So I got a call at 10p one night asking me to step in. I said, we could just have hubby not be in it. No we want him in. So I had 3 days to go find a dress and shoes that would work. I ran to the bridal shop were we had been the next day. It was insane!

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Your husband is the lucky one--oh no, they slapped him with a reading. No one will escape this wedding! Keep your sense of humor up, something about weddings can make the nicest people lose their flipping minds.

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No. It was not a faux pas not to have both of you as bridesmaid/groomsman. No, he doesn't have any "right" to feel indignant. It is what it is. Sounds like the wedding party is rather large already, and they DID include him. He's doing a reading, right? That is not a slight. And I'm sure wasn't just because they were throwing him a bone. They had the size party they wanted and wanted to still include him somehow. So they did. Without having to add another bridesmaid to balance things out. Some couples don't worry about balancing out the groomsmen/bridesmaids, but some do.
Frankly, I'd be almost grateful. My brother got married 3 years ago and I was a bridesmaid and my husband wasn't a groomsman. No biggie. It was even more "lopsided" if you consider that our two kids were ring bearer and a flower girl and hubby was "only" in the "audience". But, it was a huge undertaking just getting the 3 of us that WERE in it fitted, etc. Tux rental for our son, dress MADE for our daughter and mine fitted (required 3 fittings b/c they messed up-- and it was out of town). I could go on. But the bottom line is that my SIL wanted to make it all a family affair and so I was included, and my teen nieces were included as junior bridesmaids, and both of our kids were included ring bearer and co-flower girl (as another younger niece was also a co-flower girl). A little unconventional, but so what? My dad and other brother were included also. My husband was not. My SIL (other brother's wife) was asked but declined (she had just had a baby). My SIL had 2 other attendants that were good friends, and my brother had one good friend. That was it. He wasn't hurt by it. And had no cause to be. We had a GREAT time at the reception!
It is your husband's job to get YOU where you need to be when you need to be there and support YOU so that you can support them. :) He gets the fun part, you get the work. ;)

Oh.. part of the reason for all the girls: We all went to SIL's salon together do have our hair done. It was like "spa morning" for us all. BIG BONDING thing. Guys don't do that. They might go drinking... but other than that...

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AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
Your words "We also just found out......that our daughter is going to be the flower girl."

Your daughter isn't going to be the "flower girl" unless you and your husband give "your" consent. If you don't want her in the wedding or can't afford for her to be in the wedding, or are simply offended because of all the other things going on, let your sister know!

No it was not a mistake. Your husband is taking a part in the wedding and your brother (the groom) should be able to decide who stands with him.

Blessings....

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Weddings are so hard sometimes. I know from their end, they probably got overwhelmed and just had to stop the madness somewhere. The reading was a nice gesture. From your end, you have every reason to find things a little odd or off, but it sounds like you are blowing it off as just a 'whatever' moment. So maybe not a faux pas exactly, but sure your hubby has a right to feel a bit slighted. You guys will save money on a tux this way!!

My husband was the best man at his brothers wedding, his sister was a bridesmaid & her husband was a groomsman.... me i wasnt included in anything. At first i was a little hurt and did feel left out. But after some thought i decided its no big deal, not being in the wedding party just meant i was able to wear what i wanted to.

Absolutely not a faux pas.

Imagine this.. My Sister in law got married and asked me to be in the wedding, but not her own brother (my husband).. Then she did not even have a place for my husband and our daughter to sit with the family during the ceremony.. This is my husbands sister, mother and father? WTH?

They did ask my husband to video tape the wedding ceremony.. Really!!!
It was the beginning of my husbands realization, there was something just not right about his family..

But over all, no not all spouses are invited to be partners or participants in weddings..

Hi, C.:

I understand his feelings of being left out.
Let me explain the dynamics of his feelings.

His pride was "pinched" and with that he felt shame.
This is going back to his childhood so he may not
understand his feelings.

I am sure that the couple felt bad as well. They have invited him to be a reader for their wedding. Help him bath in that so he can feel like he is just as important as the wedding party people.

Won't he be escorting you around and about events?
Hope this helps.

D.

No, it's not a faux pas not to ask your husband. It is entirely up to the marrying couple as to who they choose to be in the wedding party regardless of whose weddings they have been in before. Since the bride has 3 brothers, I'm sure your husband's "spot" was taken by one of them.

Ugh! I had the opposite happen to my husband and I. MY brother asked my husband to be a groomsman and what did my sister and I get??? Nothing. Weird and confusing. My mom was more upset than my sister and I, but my husband felt a little weird about it. Who knows what people are thinking.

I can understand why he'd be disappointed, but no, it wasn't a faux pas not to have him as a groomsman. From what you explained, out of all the groomsmen, your DH is the person the groom has known for the least amount of time. History & length of time known trump everything else. Also, just because you have someone in your wedding party, does not automatically mean you deserve to be in theirs. Some people have more people that they are close to, bigger families, etc.

I agree that they probably thought they had enough attendants and I think it was nice of them to ask your husband to do a reading. Maybe they are going to ask your daughter to be the flower girl but have not gotten to it yet. Personally, my sister-in-law is getting married next year too, she was one of two bridesmaids in my wedding, however, she has not asked me or my husband (her brother) to do anything and we are SOOOO happy, being in weddings is expensive, time consuming and a pain! She did ask my daughter to be the flower girl which is not nearly as big of an inconvienance - you just buy the dress and make sure she doesn't beat up the ring bearer (seriously, this could be a real problem, they are cousins and fight like cats and dogs LOL :))