My Daughter's "Boy" Friend in School

My first real boyfriend was black. I was 14 and honestly had no idea that people had an issue with this (we had moved from PA to VA). My parents FREAKED out, my parents tried everything to keep us apart. They called his parents, grounded me, and other things. Long story short we dated behind my parents back until I was about 19 and I moved out of my parents house. I believe that you can not choose who you love. You want her to rebel, tell her she can't see him.

IDK, this is touchy for me because I am Caucasian & my husband is African American so I have personal experience with this one.

OK, you have a whole bunch of stuff going on here spinning off of this one thing. It sounds like you don't want your daughter to have a boyfriend at all, never mind the race, correct?

Let me ask you this: why do you care what other people think if your daughter doesn't? I mean, if you're truly not a racist as you say, then it shouldn't matter, right?

In my mind it all comes back to how you're raising your children. My parents raised me to believe that skin color doesn't matter one little bit. I dated white guys exclusively up until I was a senior in high school. For a while I dated an Iranian guy, and my parents never said a word about it. Once I got into college & around a more diverse group of people I dated a couple of African American guys before meeting my husband. When things were clearly serious between us my mother pulled me aside & basically said that while she would never tell me who I could/should/couldn't/shouldn't date, she wanted me to think very hard about choosing someone of another race to marry because her opinion is that married life is hard enough without that added into the equation. She was also concerned about us having children together. I told her (at the age of 21) that we were strong enough to be able to handle anything together. He & I are now 35 & 34 years old respectively and have a 12 year old son and a 10 year old daughter together. Yes, over the years we have had issues crop up based solely on our race as have our children. It is an extremely unfortunate part of our lives, but you know what? We're ok. We're stronger because of it. We pull together & defend ourselves, our choices, and our children. We have taught our children tolerance, strength, and determination at much earlier ages than I imagine other children would have been introduced to such ideas.

Decide whether or not this is something YOU are strong enough to handle because clearly your daughter can. Then, once you've figured that out, if the answer is a resounding yes, then tell anyone else in your family who has an issue with it to go screw themselves.

**ETA** My maternal grandparents were absolutely racists. When my mother told her mother that I was marrying a boy named Shannon, my grandmother was so very pleased to hear I'd be marrying a nice Irish boy, lmao! They were in for a rude awakening & I know my mom was nervous to tell them the actual situation. I assured her that they would be fine with it, but if they were not, that they could plan on not seeing me again as long as they lived because Shannon & our (at the time) unborn child would be my family forever more. At well over 80 years old, they came around & loved both my husband & children with all of their hearts. This proves to me that you CAN, in fact, teach an old dog new tricks.

I would be more concerned about the fact that my daughter hadn't told me she had a boyfriend, not his race.

It's no one else's business but your daughter, the boy, his parents & yours. Tell your family to butt out & handle it yourself. Invite him & his family over for dinner & get to know them & form your own opinion. Discounting him because of his skin color is unfair & not teaching your children a very good lesson.

Is the issue that she is holding hands with a boy or that he is black? If she isn't allowed to date, I'd remind her of that.

If the issue IS that he's black (and it sounds like it is), then I hate to break it to you but you ARE racist. You (and by you I mean, you, your family members, people in town etc.) are making rules and enforcing practices based on race... that's EXACTLY what racism is. Are there WORSE racists in the world than you? Absolutely. Do I believe that you think it's okay because you don't HATE anyone? Sure. But that doesn't make what you and your family are doing okay.

Obviously your daughter likes this boy. Go ahead and set limits on what is appropriate male/female interaction and leave it at that.

Sounds like you could learn a lot from your daughter. If she doesn't care that he's "african american" why should you?

And why are you learning about this through the grapevine and not from your daughter? Sounds like you should talk to your daughter more and get to know about her. Why would who she chooses to date affect her schooling?

As far as what to tell the rest of the family, the school and friends...tell them to stuff it. You can't help what the heart wants. She likes this boy. Shouldn't you be celebrating that she's a great kid (according to your post) and has made good decisions thus far...why not trust that she knows what she's doing now?

Tell your family you are not discussing what is not their business. It sounds like you don't like it either and are making it about what your family thinks.

"I am not a racist by no means. But in the small town we will live where everyone knows everyone it is not acceptable." The second sentence makes the first one a lie, ya know?

You say you don't want anything that will effect her grades, that says that you think her dating this boy will effect her grades. Why is that?

Honestly I had considered not mentioning this but you really need to take boy out of scare quotes, it makes you sound like you are using it in the context of the old south. Ya know, boy needs to know his place? I do think you have a bit of racist in you but not that much.

I say forget the family who is furious and the other 'haters.' This is your chance to teach your daughter about acceptance. I, too, grew up in a small town where such a thing would be 'frowned upon' by my large family and others. I can't change my past but am constantly trying to better myself to rid myself of the judgemental way I was raised. If this is a good person the skin color doesn't matter......yes, you may want to talk to her about how others may riducule her, etc. but explain that these are ignorant people.

Well it IS almost 2012. The young people today honestly do not refer to each other as my black friend, my Mexican friend, my Asian Friend..
It is the older people and certain parts of the country having to be pulled into this way of thinking. .

It is expected that this generation.. Born in 1990 and on are going to be the first group of Americans that are not going to worry with race!

Isn't it wonderful???! !!

It is more important to know is he kind, is he respectful, is he doing well in school?

And so treat him like you would any other beau. Invite him to dinner, to church, for family game night. My mother was always very clever. She made sure her home these boyfriends were very welcome. She asked them lots of positive questions and included them a lot. They respected her and so hey respected me.

Your family will need to be brought into this century.. I do not think it HAS to be your responsibility, but you do need to remind them that he is your daughters friend and you want him and any of her friends to feel welcomed in your home. Imagine how you would feel if some other family were having this fit about your daughter?

Also start an open dialogue about sex. Remind her that sex is forever. You can catch a life altering disease, you can end up pregnant, and it is a huge responsibility or burden on young people if they are not willing to accept the responsibilities and emotions that go along with it.

I am sending you strength.

I would tell them to get over it. Your daughter is obviously very smart and Im sure that goes to her judgement in character also.

You are not racist, so you need to support your daughter in her decision. she isn't hiding it from anyone... because she isn't doing anything wrong!
The others are by thier closed minded thoughts.

How do you deal with the others? Tell them to grow up and open thier minds and tell them love is a great thing and it see's no color. Then tell them that she is obviously more mature than they are because she already see's that.

Color doesnt matter. Too bad your family is ignorant to that. This might be the thing they need to see firsthand in order to open their eyes.
At 15, not sure what your rules are, you might want to have a sit down with your daughter about dating and set the year up to 16, but it's probably too late for that now if she's already handholding.
Best thing to do is invite him for dinner and find out if he's a good kid or not.
I remember when my youngest son told me he was in love, he gave me all of his girlfriends stats, schooling, college, etc.... then he says "I guess I need to tell you she's part Asian Mom"... And I said "what does that have to do with anything?" My sons main concern was his great grandpa who served in WW2 and isnt cool with Asians..... but even old school gramps loves his granddaughter in law. It's all gonna be about how this boy presents himself. Doesnt matter if he's black or white, his character will show through above and beyond skin color.
Your family just needs to be educated is all. People are people. Birds are birds, fish are fish.

I think you tell your family and friends to get over it, and join the 21st century.

Maybe you need to lead your small town forward towards tolerance and acceptance. Get tough with your family and friends, mom.

And by the way, you can say exactly that, when they complain about your daughter's boyfriend. "Get over it."

If you HONESTLY don't have a problem with her having a black boyfriend then hold your head up high and tell your ignorant family members to stop being such racist jerks.
I left Georgia back in 1982. How sad that things STILL haven't changed down there, the rednecks live on :(

This is infuriating to me that this is still an issue. I am half Native American and half white and my kids are part hispanic from my husband. We get questions about our ethnicity but I've NEVER felt judged.
Why do you have to discuss your daughters boyfriend with your friends, family and town?

After reading this, I thought "seriously...in this day and age?". Growing up in the greater boston area, I had friends who dated people of other ethnicities/race...it never seemed to be an issue and I'm happy to say that acceptance usually had more to do with the person's character.

If you've met this young man, and he seems like a good person who treats your daughter respectfully, then what color he is should not make a difference to you or your family. If "color" is the only issue, you should all just get over it!

How do you really feel about it? be honest with us, and I am asumming that you are. More importantly how ever you really feel about the situation is going to reveal itself to your daughter, if it is about color she is going to be confused because that is not an issue for her! If it is about the fact that she has a BF than make it known to her that it is about priorities.

Is this her boyfriend? Did you know about it? How can you respond to anyone if you don't even know what's going on? When I was a senior in high school, I walked around holding hands with a white boy in my grade. I am black. We weren't dating. I worked out in the school gym just about every day, and so did he. I was kinda known for being very shapely, and I liked to work out, and he was kind of a wimpy kid who wanted to get a little bulk on him. Just to give you a picture. For the life of me, I still don't know why our paths crossed or why we walked all over school holding hands.

I tell you that story to say that you simply cannot know what's actually going on unless you talk to your daughter. It would certainly give you more ammunition with others if you felt like you had a better understanding of what's going on. Not that you owe them an explanation, but you wouldn't give the impression of being blind-sided or confused when they bring it up. Talk to your daughter.

Oh, and that guy did come to my house one day after school and hung out with me. My father was sure to tell me that I have to spend time and have relationships with different "types" of people. He always wanted me to make sure that I was not ever losing myself in any relationship or being mistreated in any way. Once that was taken care of, I was free to live and learn.

I would respond exactly as I would if he was any other race. Get to know him. Let him know that you expect him to treat your daughter (and her parents) with respect. Find out what your daughter likes about him. Set the limits about how they may spend time together. I didn't allow my daughter to date one on one until she was over 17. Before that it had to be in groups or closely supervised by me or his parents. You need to be real clear that you can set rules as her parent but understand that you can't tell her who to love.

Your response to family members and friends that have a problem with the race issue should be that you do not intend to perpetuate that backwards thinking. I would be proud of my child if they saw everyone for who they are and not the color of their skin.

It's not an easy situation, yet this is an opportunity for you to identify your priorities and perhaps for everyone involved to learn and mature. If it's a racist community do you want to conform to their racism and give your daughter a message that she can't befriend someone she likes merely because other people in the town are narrow-minded folks who are afraid of people with a different skin shade? I would suggest you share with your daughter that you know she has a boyfriend and that you are also aware of prejudices that are common in your town and that she may encounter people who don't like to see interracial couples even though you feel you can trust her to choose her friends wisely and genuinely and it's OK with you that her friend is African-American. She's growing up and you have to trust that she can handle whatever comes up in regard to the situation... and you will need to speak up to family and friends in asserting your point of view, which means you need to be clear of your viewpoint and what it is founded upon.

I would first figure out/decide how you truly feel about it (the situation itself regardless of race and also the situation including the racial aspect). Then, I would talk to your daughter to see where her mind and heart are. Please realize that if you "force" kids to breakup or not see each other it does tend to push them together AND encourage sneaking.

If you don't have a problem with an interracial relationship, tell others when they inquire that regardless of being of mixed or same race, as long as your daughter is happy, being treated w/ respect, and acting appropriately for her age it is a non-issue.

Be the change in your family. Don't worry what they think ( I know, easier said then done). But - it's YOUR daughter. Trust me - you tell her you can't see him and who knows what will happen next. I'd be more concerned that your 15 yo daughter didn't tell you she had a boyfriend and you had to find out from other people.

Black/white - I'm sorry friend but it's 2011 if the people in your town haven't gotten the news yet (color doesn't matter) than you don't need to associate with them.

Tell the several family members and friends to mind their business! Let them know that you have a smart responsible daughter who is perfectly capable of making decisions such as picking her friends and "boy" friends. Let them know that you are not racist by any means (your own words). Let your daughter know that you are proud that she has a mind of her own and is not conforming to the small minded people in your small town.

Tough call, but she is going to date who she wants no matter what you say. Her grades/etc. can be affected regardless of who she dates. I would step in and ask her to stop seeing him if he seems like trouble, but if he is just "african american", but otherwise a good kid who seems to be going in a positive direction, I would respect her decision no matter how hard it may seem..Your daughter may lose respect for you as well if you forbid her to see him just because you are worried about what other people think...Hell with them!!

So what. Every crowd you look into has a bi-racial couple in it. Kids are going to do what they are going to do. Make sure she has birth control. Do not sweat the small stuff. She is only 15!