My Daughter Is Outgrowing My Son

I have two boys. The older one has been psychologically over the younger one all his life. There is really no difference now in them physically. Different from you because they're boys...

Although I'm not not a mother of a boy and a girl, I will say point blank that you should tell HER no more sibling rough housing. Tell her that her physical prowess is more than his and she has to cut it out because it is no longer appropriate.

He will remember it all his life if she is allowed to continue beating him. I promise you.

I think they have to ease out of the rough housing activities - not just because of their size differences, but because it's not appropriate anymore, at least not outside of the wrestling ring. They both need to find other ways of engaging with a member of the opposite sex without physical play. I realize there's nothing sexual going on between them, but they need to both model different behaviors within their peer group, and learning to have discussions or trade good-natured verbal barbs is a life skill they both need. If his hormones haven't fully kicked in, then it's all the more important that you work on these skills before he's through puberty. And your daughter is going to discover that, while she may be able to physically dominate her brother, she's in no way equipped to defend herself against a more powerful high school boy who has the height and weight advantage that her brother does not.

We often think of girls having body image problems, and your situation reminds us that boys do too. We place so much emphasis on looks, strength, agility, and more - and they get it from every media outlet and every social interaction as well as every sports hero. It may help to show him successful men who have not ever gotten as tall as they might have hoped, but who do just fine when paired with a taller woman. I was doing dishes the other night while "Dancing With the Starts" was on, and host Erin Andrews is quite a bit taller than host Tom Bergeron as well as several of the dancers. In fact, some of the pro dancers are quite short. Ryan Seacrest is noticeably shorter than his girlfriend but he's had no trouble being successful. Michael J. Fox is admired in many ways and has been for 30 years. There are pro basketball players who are not at all tall - although if your son is not into sports, maybe you don't want to push those images on him. Maybe he needs help seeing that sports isn't the only field available to him. I'm sure you can come up with dozens of examples of people who were not defined by their biology.

And maybe your daughter needs more work in being sensitive to others. It's an acquired skill, certainly - but it's a good time for her to see that her attitude is going to give her fewer friends in high school. I'm not singling her out - I think this is common in most 14 year olds. She's got the body of a woman but the viewpoint of a kid, and the next few years need to be spent on bringing those more into line.

There's no way to know if your son is done growing or if he'll get a spurt at 17 or 18. So it's important for both of them to work on identifying WHY our society puts so much focus on bodies, and whether that's a good thing. What can each of them do to be more compassionate to people with different body types? How fortunate are they that they have the use of both legs and arms? Who's around them who has far more challenges? You can expand that during dinner table discussions to include those of different skin colors, religions, economic standings, and so on - disadvantages come in all categories.

Need to nip this in the bud now.

Raising a young man who might develop a festering desire to physically dominate some other female, can lead to no good endings.

Raising a young woman who is cocksure of her own physical power, also not good.

Everyone keep their hands to themselves.

I have known many families that had girls larger than the boys. It's genetic and there isn't much you can do. I knew a set of boy girl twins where the girl was quite large in bone structure and weight and the boy was much shorter and slim. I've also known many siblings where the girl was larger. There was also a set of triplets at my dd's old middle school where the two girls were much larger than the boy triplet.
The only thing I would suggest is to tell your daughter to lay off with the "physical domination". That's not good whether they're boys or girls but I can see where it would make him feel inferior.
Let them be who they are...if your son wants to do other activities besides sports...so be it. My nephew is only 5'7" full grown and very slim. He never played sports in school, but he loves to bike ride and he did a 2 year tour with the peace corps. He's very intelligent and introspective. That's just who he is. His sister, my niece, is very athletic....it was never an issue.

I agree that the physical rough-housing is no longer appropriate between these two teenagers, mostly because they need to develop physical boundaries in their interactions with other people and that habit can be learned well at home. As Diane B said, your daughter need to develop the skill of observing how others are feeling and responding appropriately to it. The skill of kind verbal banter is an important one they can learn together. As well, consider how you might support your son in discovering his niche. Sports isn't it, so what IS? Encourage him to find something else which makes him happy. Also, there's NO reason to assume he will get taller than her, and he is going to need to become confident in himself, regardless of how he looks.
See what Diane B. wrote--she's got great ideas in her post.

I'm not sure why you're hopeful your son will get taller than your daughter. What does a person's height have to do with their character or intelligence? Also plenty of perfectly successful people go through life without ever playing on a sports team. High school especially is FULL of clubs and activities that have nothing to do with sports.
As far as the rough housing goes they need to knock it off, especially your daughter if she is the instigator. They're getting too old for that, tell them as much. They need to learn boundaries and self control (physically, mentally and emotionally.) They aren't little kids anymore, they need to start acting like the young adults they are.

What happens if your son doesn't get taller than your daughter?
And what if your son doesn't get into sports?
Sometimes siblings diverge and go different ways.
Everyone has their own thing that they excel at and it sometimes takes awhile to find out what that is.
Sometimes it happens in college.
Part of 'becoming a young woman' for your daughter means no more rough housing and teasing her brother.
You may just have to take her aside and tell her to knock it off.

Your son will find his way - whether it's sports or drama or the rocket club or math club - what ever.
But it'll be better if sis isn't teasing him while he finds himself.

Hi! I think your son being that he is the older sibling needs to feel like the older sibling at least once in a while. I think your daughter at this point knows she is demasculating her brother. I have a boy and a girl and trust me girls can be super smart/smart asses too! She knows how she is making him feel and she needs to back off. Go out with your hubby and put your son incharge. Even if it's for 2 hours. Let him feel empowered for once. Make sure you tell your daughter he is in charge and to respect him while your out. My son is 19 a 6'2" gentle musician...my daughter is 17 5'9" athlete and can literally crush my sons soul with a word. I've seen it. She knows it. I stopped it. Good luck!!