My boyfriend works in Chicago about 1 hour away from where we live. He drives to work everyday along with a friend who lives nearby and works with him. He works until 5 o'clock so he usually gets home around 6. Lately he's been getting home almost two hours later. He has also been coming home drunk. His friend always is with him and they never try to both get drunk so that one could drive. I asked him only once on the situation because he thinks I'm blaming him for cheating on me. I believe him when he says he isn't cheating. This has just started recently and I think he's drinking more because we are expecting our first child in early November which seems to be kind of stressful for him. He claims the drinking relaxes him and takes his mind off things. I need him to stop this before the baby comes. Should I let him do it to relax himself until we have the baby or should I try to stop it now so he doesn't get used to it. I think I should try to get him to stop now but what do you think?
You do need to try to get him to stop now. The longer you wait, the more ingrained the habit. Not to mention that by the time the baby comes, he may very well be an alcoholic.
I understand that having a baby is stressful, but he needs to find another way to work through the stress. Suggest a trip to the gym to work out instead of the bar. It will be less expensive, healthier, and he will be sexier!
1) He (and you) need to go to parenting classes, already. And, maternity classes, which hospitals offer to couples before their baby is born. It teaches basic care taking of a baby etc. Did you and he sign up for classes like this?
AND if your Boyfriend refuses to attend these important classes... then, this will be a "window" into his level of maturity and character... and it will show you, what kind of guy he is or not. And if that is good enough for you. Love, is not everything. Because, Once a baby comes into the picture, it is also about how mature and grown-up your Boyfriend can be, about being a "parent" himself. Or not.
2) Do not marry him... if he is like this. Because, this is only the beginning of baby nerves. Once a baby IS born AND comes home... the stress... INCREASES.
3) You DO, need to tell him things and be able to talk to him about things, no matter what it is. Because, you will both be parents. Soon. And if you both cannot settle things like this... then it won't get better once a baby is born.
4) Your Boyfriend is not a child. He is an adult. There is no "should I let him do it to relax himself until we have the baby..." Because, you are pregnant NOW and you BOTH have to plan for the baby, and both be a part of it. And if he cannot handle it now... he won't be able to handle it later, once a real baby is at home.
5) He is only a Boyfriend. And YOU need to: decide, if the baby is going to have your last name or his on the birth certificate.
You have to do research, and see what types of "custody" there is in your State. There are MANY different types of "child custody." So head's up.
You need to also research what the custody laws are in your State, between unmarried couples.
6) If you are having issues, about him drinking, and this is how he handles "stress" and he gets all defensive when you asked him about it just once.... then, these problems, will most likely increase, once the baby is born.
7) At least his friend is with him, and drives him home. But gee... what if one day or night, your Boyfriend IS driving the car.... and/or has the baby in the car too, and he is just not thinking?
8) Do not make excuses for him, and that this is just about him being stressed because this is his first baby etc. You both need to talk about it. You need to tell him it is problematic. You need to realize you cannot make... a guy do what you think, and it is not about you "letting him" or not, behave that way. He should be cognizant enough on his own, to control himself.
9) Any problems you both have now, will not go away after baby is born. And many more problems WILL come up.
So, you have to decide, on your own, if this man is good enough to be a parent. You will be a Mom, and he will need to be there for you and the baby, too.
10) things get, very complicated, and very stressful, once a baby is born.
He is an adult, you have to decide if you are going to remain in a relationship with someone who turns to drinking as a relaxation tool. In addition, why can he not have a beer or two at home instead of at the bar?
I wouldn't phrase it as "let him" do anything. He's an adult, not a child. You are his girlfriend, not his mother. So, the word "let" may not be appropriate. That said, you need to address this issue immediately and also look at your conflict resolution styles. He doesn't have to be cheating for it to be a problem that he's coming home hours late (I assume past dinner time and a meal that you've prepared) and drunk (so not exactly prepared to be a good companion or responsible adult managing a household), etc You have every right to tell him that this is not behavior that you want to be around from a partner and how it makes you feel (insecure about your future? concerned about addiction? worried about financial impact? lonely for your partner?). You have every right to ask him to stop (or limit) this behavior, but he has to decide whether he's going to do that. You have to decide whether this is something you want to live with and your plan if it continues...and IMO November is too late to wait for that decision.
Tell him if he wants to be a part of this child's life, he must make a commitment or LEAVE. If you are living in his home, you should leave. The most important person here is your unborn child.
Well, he's a boyfriend, not husband, so my opinion is this is an easy fix...bye bye, time to move on. If he's doing this before you're even married, its a sure sign of your future. Good luck!
Men who aren't ready for changes in their life make changes in their behavior. Could it be he's not ready to be a dad? If this is how he responds to change and stress, you may want to consider what your next steps are because children bring with them a TON of change and stress! You ask if you "should let him" do this -- you don't have a choice -- he's going to do what he wants. The best you can do is sit down and have a heart to heart with him, attend some prenatal parenting classes to get a realistic idea of what's coming up, and consider some couples counseling if he is not receptive to your concerns.
You can't "let him" do anything, or "get him to stop" doing anything. You're both adults, and you will need to be a TEAM for this baby. You need to talk to each other honestly (about trust, commitment, parenthood...) and sort yourselves out.
I think you left out important details so the advice you're getting wont be completely accurate
is this every night? one night a week?
when you say drunk do you mean had 2 or 3 and is a little buzzed or comes home wasted?
Is he spending money you need for the baby or are you not so tight?
Does he spend quality time with you the rest of the night?
Does he spend weekends with you?
Does he drink when he's home all of the time?
can he have one or two drinks and stop?
You also say some night he comes home sober and the other guy drinks so it doesnt seem he is completely irresponsible or doing it every night.?!
I'd need the following info above to comment. I think a lot of the comments below are assuming hes coming home wasted EVERY night and spending money and isnt willing to listen or communicate with you. I think you have to decide what is ok or too much for you and have a rational conversation with him, not dictating what he does but telling him your concerns and listening to his.
Also if you dont have a baby home yet and he's going out for happy hour and enjoying one or two drinks with buddies and not coming home wasted and still gets home by 7 or 8 I dont see the huge issue. He knows he's going to have to stop when the baby comes, as of right now he has a little more free time
Boy is he in for a surprise, being drunk even tipsy with a child in the household is almost impossible.
You need your wits to figure out what the baby needs and wants and then when the baby, begins to not feel well, it can take 2 people to keep up.
You cannot make him do anything, but you can ask for help. Be clear with what is is.
Men do not take hints, they do not understand hints. They need plain talk, with no judgement... Just facts.
They are not intuitive, they are straight forward and simple in their communications.
Remind him this child will want to see and be with his/her father when he gets home. The child will be excited to spend time with him, he will need to be sober and aware because he will not want his child to see him drunk. This will be the only time he will get to spend with his child, shoe will not want to waste that..
FYI, if they are driving drunk... That is totally unacceptable and it is against the law.
As most others said, his drinking (or any other behavior) is not under your control; all you can do is figure yourself out and communicate your wishes and boundaries. I say ditto to the post suggesting you get clear about why the changes in his post-work behavior feel uncomfortable to you and then explain your concerns to him at a calm time when he is sober. Asking him why he is now drinking more would be a good thing too. If he is worried about the upcoming life changes, you might suggest he try talking with other recent fathers so he can get a more realistic (and hopefully happier!) view on things. Good luck with things!
Technically, you are not married to him so if he comes in late that's his business, unless you are engaged. He's probably out talking with his buddy about what's his problem. Unfortunately, bars have girls that are probably flirting and he enjoys his ego building up. If it was me, I would either ask him if you can go too or reconsider this relationship.
