My 2 Yr Old.. the Liar!!!

I heard that they really don't understand what lieing is and that even though you should explain it to them in simple terms that you should not punish them. There is a great article in New York magazine on lieing. You might be able to find it on the internet. Why Kids Lie Feb 18, 2008 www.nymag.com I saved the mag. that I found at the airport because it was such a good article.

Hi H.,

My comments may seem a bit harsh, so I apologize in advance. Your question elecited strong feelings from me. It think it's a really important question. How you handle it will be vital to who this little boy will grow T..

Okay, first: He's TWO. Get a grip. You don't need to agonize over where you went wrong as if this tiny toddler has an irreversibly damagaged character. And doing so, and labeling him as a liar, or bad, at this age will only make him live up to this image. Kids take our labels and adopt them as identities. Developmentally, he really can't even differentiate between reality and fantasy. To a two year old, he doesn't want to have been responsible for breaking something, therefore, he didn't. He wishes someone else was, like his brother, therefore his brother did it. Don't take my word for it, do some study of childhood development. It's important to know how kids think at different stages in life.

REMORSE? Again, he's TWO.. Remorse is not a concept or an option for a two year old. You cannot expect a toddler to think rationally. It reminds me of a parenting advice column I read years ago. The mom wrote in whining, "My two year old is so UNREASONABLE..." Gee, really?

Second, it is important to know that each and every child is unique. Just because your first two boys didn't do this does not mean it isn't completely normal. Unfortunately, just when we think we understand our kids or certain stages and behaviors and how to deal with them, along comes another stage or a child with a completely different personality type to challenge our parenting assumptions. We simply cannot compare children with other children. God gives us wildly different little people to deal with. Our challenge is to figure out who they are and how best to teach each individual child in a manner that works for them and to love them for who they are, not punish them for who they aren't. It's really important that you don't shame this precious boy, but help him to understand reality instead, with plenty of grace.

Count your blessings that your first two were easy to teach in this area. But be assured they they will have differenty challenges in the future. Oldest kids, especially, will tend T. more responsible and eager to please. Younger ones will often not seem as burdened with a conscience as their older siblings. Talk to moms with multiple, older kids and see if this isn't true...

We are all born with a sinful nature, and no one has to teach it to us (ever read "Lord of the Flies?" To expect kids to behave perfectly or as little adults is completely unrealistic and a complete misunderstanding of human nature.

Be patient and keep explaining the difference between stories and real. Eventually he will get it. It will be several more years before you can reasonably expect him to refrain from lying. Even then, this may be one of his challenges. My almost 13 year old daughter is almost always excrutiatingly honest. She can't stand to lie. My 11 year old son, however, seems to feel that truth is flexible (but generaly a very good boy with an irrepresible spirit and a good heart). It wasn't an issue earlier in his life, but seemed to crop up in the last two years or so. We have a lot of disscusions about honesty and integrity and reputation (and plenty of consequences when we have a problem), and it seems to have been making an impact. It's improved a lot in recent months.

Good luck, and God bless! It certainly is a challenge parenting these little puzzles.

Oh, H. T! What a wonderful teaching moment! I know how frustrating that can be, but he is not really lying. Two year olds are still trying to figure language out, wondering why sometimes what you tell them stays the same, (like, What is that? A dog) and sometime the answer changes (like, What time is it?) They actually have little concept of time or consequences of actions. Instead of looking at his whoppers as lies, accept them as communication.
You could respond like this: Oh, Timmy, the vacuum cleaner is broken. [what does broken mean, Mommy?].
Did you do it? [Do what?] Mommy, Jimmy did it.
That's a pretty good story, Timmy. Thank you for your story. Now can you tell me what YOU did?
Always praise for character, not actions. Like, I like the way you put your blocks away, Timmy. Thank you![character-based]
Not, Wow! Timmy, you are a good boy! [performance-based] You DON'T want him T. constantly trying to out perform himself. That's very tiring. Can YOU one-up yourself?

Do you pray with your kids? If they learn that Jesus always hears what they say and think, they will learn not to lie, because Jesus loves them, and He already knows the truth. If they tell the truth, He forgives AND forgets. [Not, okay, you're forgiven THIS TIME.] Child hears This time I will forgive you, but not the next time.

I have a very imaginative 4 year old daughter as well :)

We've done a couple things to curb the behavior.

When she lies, say to avoid punishment, she gets two separate consequences. First is the punishment for the offense, second is the punishment for lying. For example, she fed her dinner to the dog then lied to me about it. Punishment for feeding dinner to the dog was no dessert and no more food till the next meal, breakfast. Punishment for lying was time-out in her room. I make sure she understands the punishments are separate and that if she'd told the truth she would have only had one of them. She's quickly learning that it's better to just tell the truth.

We also talk a lot about what is truth and what are lies so she can learn to differentiate between the two herself. We talk about her favorite tv shows and whether they are 'real people' or not. I give her examples of lying (point to the sky and tell her it's green).

Good luck, it's totally normal, he'll eventually grow out of it, just be consistent!

Children lie out of fear. Usually, it's simply fear of getting into trouble. I would suggest you find a way to build more trust between you and your little one. It takes time. Always give him positive reinforcement and praise when he does something right. Don't focus on the negative. He'll learn he can share everything with you.

It sounds like you have a very smart and imaginative little boy. :o)

I taught 2 year olds for YEARS so I hope you will take my advice.

It IS human nature to lie. You really do not even have to "learn" it from anywhere/one. You just have to prevent it. I suggest that you have a talk with your little man (at a time totally unrelated to a time he is/has lied to you) about the difference between REAL and IMAGINARY. Show him pictures of real people and cartoon characters and see if he understands the difference.

When you know he understands the difference, shift the conversation to situations. For example: "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." vs. "I am very hungry; I need a lot of food." This is an abstract (not visual) perception of real vs. imaginary.

The next step is to shift to things that are associated to your own family life. Point to something in the room and say something TRUE about it. Example: "The sofa has a soft pillow that you can sit on and read a book." Then say, "Let's imagine/pretend the sofa is a boat that we can sit in and catch fish."

Finally, when you know he fully understands, the next time he tries to lie to you just bring up the little talk you had about REAL and IMAGINARY. Then tell him what will happen if he tells a lie (IMAGINES) and what will happen (not so bad) if he tells what REALLY happened.

Be sure to foster that imagination. Ask him to tell you stories that you can write down and let him draw pictures for a little book that you can read to the other boys. This will surely thrill him to share something he created. You may be surprised if he becomes an author some day.

Best of luck with your little story teller.

Blessings,

P. <><

This might sound harsh but this is what we do with my 3 year old. When we catch him lying he gets punnished, either a spanking or time out. After the punnishment we explain why he was punnished or try to have him tell us why he was punnished, usually the him telling us then we explain. This helps them understand "crime and punnishment". I do not believe in punnishing without an explination. But lying is not tolerable in my house and he is learning that.

My best advice is Don't ask, "Did you?". Think about it - when the cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Who says yes? (FTR, I haven't been pulled over since I was 16).

Instead, approach it from the standpoint I know who did it - I would like to know why.

Yes, all of my children told some tall tales between 2 and 5. Once they truly realized what lying was (telling a story with the intent that someone thinks it's real) and that it was BAD - their conscience nipped it in the bud almost faster than any punishment I could think of.

That said, the most effective punishment for lying that I have (doesn't really work until they get good and social) is simply not believing - or trusting - or asking them ANYTHING. I found a sibling to ask, asked myself, asked the coffee pot - anything but the kid I was waiting for a confession for. I double checked EVERYTHING that they told me until it happened - it breaks their heart not T. trusted or asked.

S.

Ok please understand I am no fan of lying!!!!! I quickly jump on my four year old when he lies, and think it is appropriate for you to correct your child as well. All that to say......as for the early age of his lying. Dr.s say that lying in a small child is a sign of intelligence. So he may be lying earlier than your other boys because he is developing more quickly. As for the lack of remorse, that could be slower to develop! Again I in no way mean to suggest you should not disipline the behavior but maybe give a reason why it is happening so early.

At his age I'm not even sure that he can differentiate between real world and fantasy. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the lie. I tell my three year old "I know what really happened, you don't need to tell stories" but even at her age I don't know how fluid her reality is. She spends a lot of time pretending in play and I think it is easy for her to pretend when it is not play but not know it.
Anyway, you can correct the behaviors without him having to "confess" to the crime. Just don't ask him, tell him, like "oh dear, when you were playing with the vacuum it got broken. We need to take care of our things. Lets spend a minute in time out to calm down and think about it." or something of the sort.

Hi H., I agree with your concern even at this young age. Dishonesty is quite excepted in todays world in many forms. I would not use the approach of fear or making them feel bad for not telling the truth at such a young age. It could turn on you and create some serious sneakiness. ")
Just try to explain what lying is in a way that a 2 year old could understand. Ex sample: Take a toy and sit it in a chair and ask if the toy is in the chair, if he saids yes tell him that is the truth. If he or you says it's not then explain to him that it's lie. Do it in a time that there is no tension about the issue. Make it a game. Also a real biggie is too ALWAYS praise them when they do tell the truth. In our house if you get busted and then decide to tell the truth, you still have to have the discipline but we always tell them how proud we are that they decided T. honest about the situation. It's a virtue T. honest and comes with many blessings. ")
Best Regards,
C.

My daughter's preschool teacher once told me that if a child at this age does NOT lie, she becomes, well, not concerned, but is certainly interested in why the child is NOT starting to lie. Are they learning to use their imagination? Are they willing to take chances and push the limit? These skill are really important for our kiddos to learn. Now, we most certainly need to redirect their behavior. However, to try to lie or "express their prospective" (as I like to put it) is totally natural.

Hang in their and use this as a great learning opportunity! :)C

I am not an expert on child rearing,but at two years old my oldest had a vivid imagination,and he talked really well at an early age.He is 8 years oldnow and is extremely artistic in drama,and reading and is a good actor. Sounds like your son may be this way too. Children are our reminders that we are all born with sin nature. You ain't heard nothin yet!!!

F.,mother of two beautiful,creative boys who have a BIG imagination

I do not recall what it is called--but there is an illness that has chronic lying as a part of it----you need to take him to a child psychologist--maybe first to your pediatrician---but this could be totally chemically based and needs T. looked into by a professional!

Me--Mom of two--grandmother of three

You've had tons of responses, many very good. I just want to encourage you not to label your little ones; too much chance they will live up to the labels. If you can reframe your perspective on your 2 yr old from "lying" to one of being extremely verbal (high intelligence) and imaginative, I think you will creatively come up with ways to handle these situations. I do think you need to address them in a matter-of-fact manner, such as, "That's an unusual/imaginative/creative STORY (emphasizing that it is a story--not that it is a lie); now let's look at what happened when you . . . .", or what ever the situation involves. Your voice needs T. as free of anger or condemnation as possible. If he gets afraid to explore with you the difference between "imaginative stories" and "what really happened", he may clam up, or do anything rather than diplease you. One of my grandsons who is almost 17 now, did a similar thing at 2. He was very verbal, highly intelligent, talked constantly and told wildly imaginative stories, even when he had not done anything. We handled it as imagination used by a child not old enough to distinguish between fantasy and reality. We didn't even particularly notice when he quit telling stories. He is a very honest and forthright young man now. Best of luck to you and your family.
P. S. Hope the "picking on mommy" doesn't, even in fun, take the form of suggesting that it's OK to pick on or be disrespectful to females.

Well, he DOES have a good imagination, doesn't he? :-) I would relax. As many others have said, it is completely normal for a 2 yr. old to lie. The reason he does not show remorse is because he doesn't truly understand how wrong it is. He does not fully comprehend that he is lying. It is certainly nothing you have done wrong, the other children just had different personalities. Humans are not born perfect, they are born human! Anyway, what 2 year old wouldn't want to try to get out of being in trouble? Your other kids probably just tried different ways to do that. Just do like you did with your 2nd. A punishment that is firmer for doing somehting and then lying about it is a great way to deal with it. He will catch on eventually that he will get in much more trouble for lying tha if he had come to you and told the truth. Maybe reading a book about lying and how it is wrong would help, too? It sounds to me like he just likes to make up stories that are fun and interesting and not so much that he is trying to lie specifically.

Both my kids lied. My now 16 year old more than my 5 year old. I don't know the difference either. All I can say is when you catch him in a lie continue to tell him that lying is naughty and he'll be punished if he continues to do it. I would say if he doesn't out grow it by 5 or 6 then I'd talk to someone. The only reason I say that is because at times my 16 year old still lies and doesn't have a clue. It turns out she has inattentive A.D.D. and that can contribute to not rationalizing her thoughts or not thinking things all the way through.

I doubt your son has an issues like that. It sounds like it's probably just a phase he's going through. All kids are different so this is just something different then your other boys went through.

Take care and God bless!