3 Year Old Wont Tell the Truth

As soon as my son was old enough to have an imagination I would tell him that he is responsible for anything that his imaginary beings do. She shouldn't be responsible for every thing her cousin does, but she should tell you about it as soon as it happens and help clean up after guests.

LOL - my 3 yr old does that too. I call her on the lies, but I have to admit she doesn;t get it yet. I'm slowly working on it. Telling her that the truth is better. I need to get some books from the library about lying (ask the children's librarian) and also helping her channel into imaginative play seems to help.

The most valuable piece of advice I've gotten about 3 is from my daycare provider (20 yrs of experience with the age group) "Don't make a big deal out of anything she does right now" the logic is that if you do draw attention to a behavior you will get more of it.

So for you water clean up, I would have said, it doesn't matter when the water was spilled, or who did it, we need to clean it up.

Good luck!

S.

i too have an almost 3 year old that is into storytelling big time right now. my mom swears she doesn't know the difference between lieing and telling the truth. i don't think that she knows that it's wrong to not tell us the truth, but she truly sees it as an oppurtunity to tell a story... my daughter likes to blame things on other kids from school and an alligator...

3 year olds do not understand the difference between the truth and the little movie theater going on in their head.
Kids really don't start to understand that stuff until about 4.5 years.
I learned from watching my parents raise my 2 crazy younger brothers that it's pointless to ask a kid under the age of 7 why they did something...they don't know..it just seemed like a good idea at the time to color the slate floor and stone fireplace purple, blue and green.
Also, at 3 you are the center of her Universe and your anger & disapproval is devastating to her so she has learned to tell you what she thinks will keep her on your good side.
If you don't catch her doing it you can't punish her for it other than making her help clean up the mess and talking about how nobody is supposed to turn on the water etc. without Mommy around.
Hang in there - it gets wierder.
My 5 year old blames things on the ghosts that live in the paintings in our house. *sigh*

Be glad that you know she is lying--when they get older, it's really hard to tell ! = )
I like the other response, about the giant turtle and the blue pony...
At 3, her memory and logic are a bit fuzzy and the line between fantasy and reality can be a bit blurred.
I'm not saying she isn't lying--she probably just feels bad about what she did, and wishes she hadn't. But sometimes little ones think that if they WANT it to be true, or SAY that it is true, it might BECOME true.
If you can catch her in the act of something, or right after it, her memory will be more fresh, and she may not have time to come up with a fantasy to go with it.
But lectures are lost on a three year old. Try to stick with developing routines and responsibilities: We clean up our messes in this house. We tell what really happened in this house. We take care of our home. We only play with water outside. We say we are sorry if we make a mistake...

My son did the same thing at that age, plus stealing from friends and lying about it in Kindergarten. We told him that his punishment would be far worse if he lied that if he told the truth. We praised him when he told the truth and told him what the consequences would have been had he not told the truth. I have read the story "The boy who cried wolf" many times to my children to remind them of what happens to kids who lie. You can type the title in Google or You Tube and find some great puppet show versions of the story. We also got books from the library on the topic, ask your librarian to help you find them. It is a phase but you can't let it slide or lying will become second nature and the habit will be more difficult to break.

Hi S.,

Well she has quite the imagination just like my younger daughter. I can't say that i am an expert on this however my daughter has an imagination like this and does lie a little bit at times and/or over exagerate. My daughter is 4 going on 5 soon but her punishment is that she does not get to play with her friends that day if she continues to lie. That really has an effect on her and she will then turn into a perfect little angel.

You can also tell her that Santa Claus knows the truth or something to that effect. I let my daughter know that God or Santa Claus knows the truth and that they talk to me and of course Santa brings presents. I don't know, but those are just a few things that really work. She will start asking questions like, so Santa will tell you and then he will not make me any toys if i don't tell you the truth?

Good luck!

Most 3 year olds are not able to differentiate between fact and fiction. If you daughter has a really active imagination she may really think she is telling the truth! I don't believe that 3 year olds intentionally lie. Lying is something learned and usually shows up later.

I would suggest asking her if you, she and her cousin (may not be there but in her imagination) to help you clean up the water and that you feel it would be better if both of them not play in the water but find something else to play with.

My oldest had Mickey Mouse as his imaginary friend for a few years. Mickey was everywhere and did everything with him. Some of my family suggested that this wasn't normal. But, I assured them it was perfectly normal and that my son was just really imaginative. I have schooling in Early Childhood Education and was a preschool teacher for 6 years before having my son. But, my family members couldn't seem to believe me. So at the next Doctor visit I mentioned this to my Doctor and he stated that I was right. After conveying this to my family only then did they believe me.

Just a story from my experience that may help you. Good luck and try not to make a big deal out of her lying as this may give her attention that she may start liking.

Hi S.,
I've often wondered why my kids lie and it's sooo obvious they did it. And around this age they seem to weave fanciful stories around the lie to. Then I read this article in the NY Times and it shed some light...take a look at it. At this age, reality and fiction are pretty closely woven together and fear of being in trouble is by far more fearsome for the toddlers.

http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

This is why I love Mamasource. You have gotten great responses already, and I'm just going to add my "amens" to what they've said. I really like the way Rae put what you might say to your daughter. Just because something goes on in someone else's home doesn't mean it should in yours, so giving her the "in our home we..." or "in our family we..." messages is great. My daughter was just mentioning yesterday how well that works for her when her girls get to acting up in public places such as restaurants. Other kids may be screaming and acting out, but she simply reminds her girls "in our family we don't act that way in public".
The main thing with her "lying" or "storytelling" is not to show frustration or anger, but be firm about letting her know you know the difference between what she's telling and what really happened. Also you might let her know that telling the truth is always less painful than trying to get out of something by telling a false story.

Whoever said that children don't lie, never had a 3 year old. This is totally normal and is a phase she's going through.

However, it's still important to talk to her about the difference between telling the truth and lying, and that it is not okay to lie to you. When my daughters would lie about things at that age, I'd say, "Well, that is a very interesting story, but we both know that's not what really happened. Why don't you tell me what really happened?" This way they learned that I wasn't fooled, but also that they could tell me what actually happened without getting in trouble for it.

It's a phase. Be firm with her and let her know that the truth is important, especially when it comes to things like leaving the water on. Telling the story about her cousin not so much. In fact, jump in the story and start talking about the blue pony that showed up and how she and her cousin jumped on it's back and ran to the edge of the sea where it turned into a giant turtle, then they rode on it's back under water to see the mermaids....by making it so ridiculous she will know that THAT is a story. You say that to her..."wasn't that a GREAT story???". She is trying to figure out what is "real" and what is not. Don't be too preachie at this age (something I am quite guilty of myself). She is still discovering how this world works and trying to communicate with you about it. =)

I just heard an interview on NPR that talked about this topic. Little kids lye because they are afraid that the truth will upset there parents. What you need to do is start saying "you will make mommy really happy if you tell the truth". When she tells the truth thank her for her honesty. If she continues to lye tell her "I think your lying to me and that makes me sad/dissappointed". Then completly drop the subject. It will take some time but she will get the message.

Of course the "lying" is going to get worse--- teaching kids not to lie is a process that goes on for years and years and years! You have to talk with them about what's true and what's not true on many different occasions, and in many different ways.

At her age, she may just be telling you what she wishes had happened, rather than what she knows happened. Or maybe she is testing how willing you are to believe her "alternate version of reality." Sounds like you handled it well -- you didn't get excited, but you told her you knew she was telling a story. You should also tell her, repeatedly and in many different ways, that she must always tell you the truth, because lies often get people in trouble, and because no one trusts a person who lies, and you always want to be able to trust her. Just keep working on her, without getting excited, and try to point out situations where other people have gotten in trouble because they lied. She will get it!!

Dear S.,
A child therapist told me that at this age, children aren't concsiously lying, sometimes it's a matter of simply stating what they WISH were true. Your daughter knows she got water on the floor and she WISHES she hadn't or WISHES someone else did it. And it's highly likely she WISHED she didn't have to clean it up.
Their little imaginations can really take off at about this time and that is not a bad thing, but you have to help them discern what is real and true and what is make believe.
Both of my kids have vivid imaginations and what I did when they were little was have story time...I had a notebook and as they told their story, I would write it down for them and read it back when they were done. I read to them a lot, and sometimes, they wanted to read their own stories instead of another book before bed, etc. If they went off on a tangent when I asked how a toy got broken or something, I would say we could save that story for the notebook, but for now, I wanted to know what REALLY happened, did they step on it, sit on it, throw it?
We've all heard of Mr. Nobody. It's fairly typical for kids to say, "I didn't do it. It wasn't me."
We want our kids to be honest and know the difference between the truth and lying, but at 3, the concept of being dishonest is hard for them to fathom. Jack and the Beanstalk is a great story, but it never really happened. There are no magic beans, there are no giants, there are no geese that lay golden eggs. There is no such person as Peter the Pumpkin eater. There are no old women living in a shoe.
These are all things kids are trying to grasp and I personally think that having a great imagination is a sign of intelligence.
I would relax a little bit and not focus so much on the principal of lying just yet. Let's face it, we moms know when we're getting hoodwinked. Our kids knowing that we know goes a long way in helping them understand that just saying something to us doesn't make it so. You know who got water on the bathroom floor...no point in asking her who did it. No point in asking her why she did it because that's a pretty abstract situation as well. How it happened....were you brushing your teeth, were you bathing your doll in the sink, were you playing in the toilet?....Regardless, you know she did it. She knows she did it. She can clean it up and save her story for another time.
Try the story notebook. It gives you a chance to have a window into their imaginations and I still have the stories my kids made up when they were little. We get them out every now and then and have the best time laughing and reading them.

Hang in there!

S.,

Two possibilities (more than likely more:) but this could work it self out and planned ignoring could solve it..or incentive for telling the truth may be helpful.

Admittedly, we have used old tales...Pinocchio is a great and vivid example...
Peter and the Wolf and we use the safety of truth..and get super excited about who tells it first. A scavenger hunt, a detective game, anything to unravel the mystery.

In our family, we also refer to God's requirement for honesty, truth and his Knowing all things.

Best of luck.
C

She's only 3. Don't be afraid of her becoming a liar. Just agree with her story and smile and say, "Oh, well then would you be a helpful girl and clean it up for your cousin?" Remember things like "pretending" and "imagination" that little ones have. Have fun with her stories. It's cute.

Developmentally a 3 year old doesn't understand lying. They believe if they say something it is true. Please don't freak out about it. I think you are talking too much. Just say ok and have her help to clean up. Let it go.