I recently moved into a 3-bedroom house that is just about perfect for my three sons and me. Unlike our last houses, which were too small, this one truly has enough room so that we don't feel cramped and on top of each other all the time. It's been great.
The only issue now is with bedrooms for my younger two sons, who are 10 & 12. All of the bedrooms are similar in size and layout - medium-sized rooms that are basically square shaped and don't really lend themselves to being further divided. I have one, my 18-year-old son has one, and the younger two share. Until my ex and step-daughter moved out a year ago (when we were living in our old house), my younger two shared a bedroom their whole lives. With SD out, we had an extra bedroom so I let my 10 year old camp out there for a few months with a firm expectation that once we moved, they would be sharing a room again.
Well now they hate sleeping in the same room. My 12 year old will often turn on the light, get ready for bed, and not shut the light off, which is, of course, rude and irritating to my 10 year old, who is usually already in bed. My 10 year old will turn on some music and not shut it off (he can't always get the sleep mode on his ipod to work). They argue about whose playlist gets to be on. I don't want them using earbuds in bed because I'm afraid that they'll wrap the cord around their necks (probably not a valid fear but still...who sleeps with headphones on?) so if one is falling asleep to music, the other has to listen to it too. Then we get into reading...one will want to read, the other wants every light off (even a small book light). And on and on and on.
I should probably just suck it up and get my butt upstairs to monitor their behavior until they are both practicing courteous sleep habits (something my ex never learned as he could never manage to come to bed or wake up without waking me as well) but by bedtime, I'm freaking tired and usually doing mom things like walking the dog or picking up the house or whatever. So that leads to them finding their own solution, which is that one usually ends up sleeping in my room. I honestly don't mind that at all, but they will soon be at ages where they're just too old to crawl into bed with mom.
Is this something that you went through with any of your kids? Did they manage to outgrow it? Did you put specific rules in place for them to follow? Any creative solutions? While I would love for everyone to have his own bedroom, that's just not possible. There isn't any other space in the house that I can use as another bedroom, and my 18 year old will be living at home for the next 2-3 years. I appreciate any thoughts or suggestions that you have. I'm sure there is a way to solve this, but I'm just stuck and can't think of anything.
If you don't mind one of them coming to sleep with you then don't worry about it for now. It will work itself out, they are very close to an age where they will NOT want to crawl in bed with you so you may as well enjoy it while it lasts.
If that gets to be a problem for you, suggest the couch as an alternative. Again, they probably won't want to do that for long and it will work itself out :-)
We did bunk beds. Heavier (deeper) sleeper up top. Tiny lights (weren't visible from other bunk).
We morphed their bedtimes to somewhere in middle so that one wasn't coming in later.
I used to just go and shut things off when I went to bed.
My sons also share a room. We've avoided the problems you've listed by setting up rules & routines that promote good sleep habits.
Like your boys, mine are close in age. They have the same bedtime unless someone is ill or another unusual circumstance interferes.
They don't turn off the light when they get into their beds. I do that after I come in to tell them goodnight. My kids are older than yours, but they still love to be tucked in and tell me their thoughts.
iPods and other devices are not allowed at bedtime and don't stay in the bedroom. Those things get plugged into chargers in the living room. Getting in the habit of drifting off to music (or tv) can cause sleep problems that last long into adulthood.
Reading happens only until Lights Out. When I tuck them in, I take their books and put them on the shelf (ours) or in the kitchen (library's). Once the room light is off, that's it for reading. They do not have booklights. I've always been an avid reader and would often read late into the night. I know what can happen when a book-loving kid has access to a light or an e-reader after bedtime on a school night.
I coslept with my babies, but grown kids are not welcome in my bed. They know to not even come in the room unless they are sick or there is an emergency because I am crabby if woken for no good reason.
I guess, if I were you, I would just say that if they can't figure it out together, mom will have to figure it out for them, when you hear arguments, and EVERYTHING goes off.
During a calm period earlier in the day, you can make suggestions like taking turns between reading one night and music the next. They can alternate playlists, or make a sleep playlist together. They could ask for wireless headphones for Christmas. The one that wants to read, can go up a little early. Have them make suggestions, too. Then put pen to paper and have them write out the agreement and sign it.
Being considerate of the other guy, compromise, and problem solving are all important life lessons. This is a GREAT opportunity!
Can you get bunk beds? They help eliminate the light issues with my 2 that share. I have blankets that hang down from the top bunk on 3 sides (4th side is against the wall, so that the bottom bunk is essentially curtained in. They each have small clip lights hooked on the edge of the bed. This way, neither of them is bothered by the other one's lights.
Or, maybe it would be about the same thing if you got kid bed tents - I have no experience with them, but this is what they claim to do.
I'm guessing maybe they are just in a transition period and since they shared a room for so long they will get back to figuring it out. They've had a lot of change over the last few months and they got to be apart for a few weeks and now they're not only back together but in a new place.
Maybe you can help mediate a discussion between them about some basic rules and courteous behaviors to help them get started.
Geez, you have solutions for 2 of the behaviours and you won't use them. Let the one use earbuds. You're right. Fear of being strangled is not rational. Think it through. Have the son who reads use a book light. I suggest that once they know that is the rule they can work out a way to make it work.
You should not have to monitor them so don't. Have a family meeting. Tell them that the basic, "they have to share a room." Then brainstorm with them ways THEY can make it work.
You might consider bunk beds. That way each has their own sleeping space. You can also mentally divide the space. This corner/side is one boys space. This other corner.is the other boy's space. The division does not have a curtain. Just an imaginary line.
I suggest that you haven't been firm enough in telling them as it is and you get involved inconsistently. Lay out the basic this has to happen (they have to share the room.) Then help them work it out at family meetings by being the moderator.
When getting to bed in a timely manner has to happen. Set a lights out, each in their own bed with no talking deadline. Then enforce it.
You need a black & white striped shirt befitting the referee you have to become!
Sooner or later, one or both of these kids is going to leave home for a college room 2/3 the size of the room they have now, or an apartment with either a roommate in the same bedroom or a tiny place with paper-thin walls. So the time to learn cooperation skills is now.
It may be that they are still adjusting to the new family arrangement (with shared custody) and new house, or that they are entering the dreaded Hormone Years, or both.
I don't think there's as much risk to an earbud wire wrapping around the neck, but I do think it's a recipe for damaged earbuds which they will want you to pay to replace. And there are some concerns by many pediatricians about iPads and iPhones too near the head during the long period of sleep, so even if they are using those for alarms, the electronics need to be a few feet away. I think they both can get ready for bed earlier than "lights out" to minimize the disturbance to the other, or one can keep his pajamas in the bathroom and change there when he is doing his teeth and taking a shower or whatever he does before bed. I think a sleep blindfold is okay for the early-to-bed kid.
I think they are perfectly capable of working out a compromise schedule, with the threat (oooops, I mean "promise") from you that they have one week to set it up or you will take away the electronics and book lights, and dictate an earlier bedtime for the night owl and no play list for the younger one. They can learn to sleep like all of us did in ancient times, with the lights off and in the quiet. Anyone who complains that he's "not tired" can come downstairs and help pick up the house and walk the dog instead of you always doing it. I think it's fine, now and then, if a kid crawls in bed with a parent, but down the road, this isn't solving the problem. And while you're not thinking this way right now, you may be in a relationship at some point and/or you will want your own privacy just because you're beat and you're the mom.
You could consider one of those folding screens to separate the beds and block the light - you can often find one at a discount store, and the two can cooperate to paint it if they want to.
Good luck. If it gets ugly, call me and you can move into my guest room for a few weeks while they fight it out!
How about a sleep mask? What about a curtain hung from the ceiling? How about you help with sleep mode before music son goes to his bedroom?
Just some thoughts? Also if they are going to leave their room maybe to the sofa instead of to yours.
Also I like mardas advice
They just need to figure it out since they aren't use to sharing a room anymore. I'd probably set up a family meeting to talk about it and let them know that coming into mom's room is never an option. Grabbing blankets to sleep on the couch or throwing a sleeping bag on the floor in the family room would be ok but your room is Switzerland
Put it back on them to work it out. Tell them you do not want fighting and if the can't come up with a solution there will be no reading or music in the bedroom at all and they can go to bed an hour earlier than usual until they work it out. I don't think you imposing rules will work. They must compromise and come up with their own solution.
(My husband has a sleep mask and a speaker that goes in his pillow and I have wireless headphones so I can watch TV before bed. My daughter is a freshman in college and has a speaker that she puts in her pillow so she doesn't disturb her roommate. This will be good practice to learn how to be courteous.
Alternate "king of the room" nights. On a calendar, each night, one boy is the boss. (Of course mom is the ultimate boss - but insofar as they are doing stuff that you personally do not care about, they get to alternate which one calls the shots.) The one who likes to read, on his night maybe lights stay on later. The other one, on his night his music playlist plays to the room. Etc etc.
I fully understand because I have two boys close in age (11 and 12) who shared a room until recently, but with the jack and jill bathroom they still basically share. We had to set some rules to keep the peace. First off who ever is the last one in bed turns off the lights, if they do not they must get up and do so. I don't care if you did it last night, or the last 100 nights, if you are last in bed you shut off the light. We don't allow music or tv at bed time, if it is distracting to the other person you don't need it on. Small reading lights are allowed and if the other child does not like it they can cover their eyes with a blanket. When they fight at bed time then the following night some of their tv/game time (they normally get an allotted amount of time at the end of each week day for games and a show before bed) is cut back and bed time moved up that amount of time, so since bed time is usually 930 (games from 800-900 and then one 20/30 min show to wind down) if there is fighting at bed time over lights, ect then the next night they will only get games from 800-830, one show, and lights out at 9. Fighting that night? Now there is no game time and lights go out at 830. They are always allowed to read after lights out if they are not ready to sleep, so not being tired is never an excuse to not go to bed.
I put down specific rules and stick to them. You have to sleep in your bed. No, you may not sleep on the couch. No music. It is too distracting. The 12 year old needs to be more respectful...either they go to bed at the same time. Or he changes, gets ready outside of the room and goes in quietly to bed - no turning on the light. If you must read before bed you may do so for 20 minutes out on the couch. Set a timer. Remind them that when their big brother goes off to college one of them can use his room. But also remind them that when he is back from college for breaks that they need to go back into the shared room. These are the rules. Period.
For reading, this is a good option:
https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Night-Vision-Panel-Readin...
I get insomnia sometimes and this doesn't wake my husband up in the least. I also use it when camping, too, as I need to read myself to sleep.
Tell them no music unless they can both agree on it. Maybe have them work together to make a playlist.
Let them know that, in life, you have to share and get along. I expect they will want to go to college at some point? ;)
It's common for an attic or basement space to be finished out into an additional bedroom - and if you can do that then the 18 yr old can use that until he moves away.
Sharing a room sucks.
I shared with my sister until I'd had enough, took my sleeping bag to the dining room floor and refused to share a room with her again (this was when we were in elementary school - I was about 12 - she was 10).
This was a tiny dining room which could be closed off and eventually my Mom just made that room my bedroom.
If they have to share a room - put up dividers that block lights - kid who wants to read can do it with a light under his blanket - kid who wants music can use earphones/buds until he's ready to sleep.
Or they can use ear plugs and sleep masks.
They've got to work out a way to get some relative privacy while sharing a space.
If it's any consolation - they'll be figuring this out their freshman year in college with a room mate - so it's great if they can work on this now.
JB, my boys were in the same room for a very long time, so they were used to being together. I had the single beds in an L shape and that saved room and the boys liked it.
Bedtime was reading a soft music. Then lights out. We did that until the boys were too big for their beds.
If your kids have double beds, you could consider a loft.
The only thing I can see for you is doing what you don't want, which is cracking the whip until they have better manners towards each other. I'd give them a specific bedtime - before it, lights and music can be on. After it, lights and music have to be off.
How big is the room? I've seen people use bookshelves that have a back on them (2-3 in a row to use as a room divider. This will help block light and sound. Not a perfect solution, but it may help. I think you should reconsider the earbuds, We have our dd use these when we travel and it solves a lot of problems.
