Mother of Young Teen Wants Birth Control, Needs Support and Advice

Hi D.,
I have raised my children already and believe me they will find places to have sex and you won't know it. It is best to have them using protection then to have an unwanted pregnancy or even bring a child with disablilties into the world at her age. It would be difficult for her to care for the baby.

My brother got a girl pregnant when she was 14 and when she had the baby she was 15 and he was 16 and the baby was down syndrome. She died at 8 months old. This was tough for them to get through.

Giving her protection is not giving her permission to have sex but is is the responsible thing to do for her.

Good luck

I was in the same situation your daugher is in, when I was a teenager. In my case, our physician had already put me on the pill at 13, because of my irregular and extremely heavy periods. Because of that, when I did eventually become sexually active, I didn't tell my mom. I already had the protection, so I didn't need to ask for it. When she did find out, she took me to our physician, who gave me a lengthy explanation of all the bad things that could happen. My mother also took me to a counselor because I had a "serious problem" as they put it. All this did was make me feel like the entire adult world was out to get me and that my boyfriend at the time was the only person on my side in life. In my case, my father was in the home. He was there on a daily basis, but I never chose to talk to him about anything, I always went to my mom.

I have young girls and I worry on a daily basis how I will deal with this situation. I agree with most of the posts in that you should express to her that you do not agree with her decision, but that you should help her get birth control. I would probably go as far as having her call and make the appointment and making her pay for the pills and the condoms. As well as making her go in to the pharmacy and pick them up herself along with buying the condoms herself. Just as a side thought, I would consider getting her the Depo shot, just because there is not as much room for error. She can't forget to take it, it is in her body.

I would definitely give her the birth control for many reasons. First, once a teen is sexually active, there is no going back, so you would be dreaming to think otherwise. Second, she needs to be seeing a Dr. if she is having sex that early and maybe a Dr. could talk some sense into her and at least give her the info she needs to keep herself safe. Third, the only thing worse at this point would be a pregnancy. It would forever change her life and yours.

I would sit her down and strongly caution her against having casual sex at such a young age. Show her pictures, videos, etc of STDs and child birth. Then let her know you do trust her and want her to be as safe as possible, so you are giving her the pills on the condition she sees a Dr and is honest with you.

What's done is done and there is no going back, so look to the future with a positive attitude and keep the communication open. You're doing a great job!
Good Luck
M.

As a counselor at my local crisis pregnancy center, I have dealt with this quite a bit. One approach I like to start with is to inform them that NOT everyone is "doing it". At this point, she is hooked on the desire for intimacy, & she has found it in a boy who is giving her sex. I also ask if she is his first. If not (& that's usually the case), I inform her that she is having sex with every girl he has ever had sex with, & in turn, every guy that each one of those girls has been with, & you get the idea. Of course, if you crack down & say "I refuse to let you be with him, & no more sex", she will continue to rebel against your authority & find ways. She must understand that NO birth control can protect her 100% from pregnancy, & it will not protect her from STD's. Most importantly, however, I wish for them to know that birth control cannot protect the heart. She is very young & "In love", but those feelings & the newness of all of this will not last. Chances are, down the road, he will dump her & leave her with a broken heart. Ideally, sex should be reserved for marriage, because it forges such DEEP spiritual & emotional soul ties that help couples to stay the course, even when things get tough. A 14 year old, especially, is too young to understand all this. All she knows is that she now has an irresistible pull to this guy. The best thing to do is to help her understand that in light of all this information, she needs to commit to not being sexually active, with him or anyone else until marriage. Many young people have made the commitment to abstinence because it's cool! It's cool to say "no" & to wait for the right person. You could use the analogy of a rose being passed around from young man to young man, & she is the rose. By the time the rose has been passed around to all these men, & touched, caressed & fondled, there's not much left. What few petals remain will be bruised & torn. Not much of a gift for her future husband, who more than likely is NOT the guy she's with. Help her to understand that there's more to a relationship & more to marriage then just sex. Sex alone will not help weather the storms of life.
Also encourage her to think through her options NOW if she still continues being sexually active. Is she ready at 14 to be a mom? Is she done with school? Is she content to be a mom, & not graduate, not attend college? Explain to her that abortion should not considered as an option. The long-term affects of abortion, especially for young teens, is BAD. Not just all the physical risks, but the long-term emotional baggage. More studies are coming out regarding the breast cancer-abortion link. These are importantly vital things to think about. Having an abortion doesn't erase the memories of being a mother. Once a mother, always a mother. I invite you to go to www.carenet.org for more ideas & information.

Sent you a PM already. But remember...your other 2 kids will observe and take note of how you handle this. It is folly to think they won't know.

She needs the birth control (pill, patch etc) but as was mentioned, make sure she gets a full medical checkup too. She also needs to know the proper use of condoms. And I still say that she and/or the boy needs to inform his parent(s) as well.

You are so lucky that she is honest with you, and that she is keeping the lines of communication open! So many girls that age would never tell their parents something so personal (I know I never did!). I understand that you do not agree with her choice, but feel thankful that she is offering you the opportunity to help her go about it in a safe way. By helping her, you are not giving her permission; she has decided to be sexually active, and at this point, she will be intimate with her boyfriend whether you give her condoms or not. Don't you think it is best that she is prepared? I think that giving her birth control, and talking to her about safe sex, is the best way to ensure that she stays healthy and doesn't get pregnant.

Let me just say, I envy you for being a single mom of 3. Great job. Look, I really have a problem with people who think that getting their daughter on birth control is giving them permission. You are not. Of course you are not ok with her desission but it happened and it is happening earlier and earlier in teen years. My mom and I had a very open realationship and I could always talk to her about anything.

Getting her on birth control is making sure she is safe. For her to even want to get on it is great! Most teens now want babies and try to get pregnant. See so it is not so bad.... I would take her to get some sort of birth control. However, I would also talk to her and make sure that she knows that you are not happy about her desision. She needs to know that it is not an ok behavior to do. (odds are she already knows!) I would also suggest to get her the HPV shot that helps prevent cervical cancer and make sure she does use condoms so she does not get STD'S. Whether you have to buy them or not, you are protecting her.

Ultimately, protecting her is your job not making her decisions for her. I also have a daughter and I am dreading the day she comes to me and asks for birth control. But you know what, I will happly take her to get some because I do not want her to become a mom too soon. Feel good that she came to you and make it a comfortable thing between you two to talk about. If you act to disappointed she will not open up to you any more. Good Luck! Let me know if I helped!

J. S :)

I am very impressed with your daughter for coming to you to get birth control and condoms. That is huge for a daughter to do. I think that what my mom said about me says it best...kids are gonna have sex wether you approve or not, or even if you try to suppervise. They can do it anywhere. And are going to. I think it is best if you get her on birth control and get her condoms. It isn't saying that you think it's ok or anything. I think it's telling her well if you are gonna be doing this at least you should be safe. I know you are just worried about her getting hurt, because we all have, but she has to make her own decisions now. All you can do is be there for her when she needs your support. It is so much better when you can be friends with your mom. At least then you're in the loop. It's better to know what's going on so when things get tufff you're there for her. Good luck!

Be so grateful and thankful that she came to you! THAT IS HUGE. Take her and get her a full OBGYN appt and get her on the pill. Does it give her permission, not really, it is teaching her to be able to come to you and take responsibilty NOT doing it risks pregnancy and you also need to encourage a condom and explain all the diseases and risks of not using a condom. Her taking that pill daily is her responsbility however you are the mom and edcuate but be thankful she is coming to you!! My mom put me on the pill at 16, pretty much the same scenario, she told me it wasn't permission slip, educated me one all the awful diseases out there, how to respect my body and that once I gave up my virginity it was a moment I can never take back. I have to say I wasn't any more active sexually then I was when I came to her, however it made me more aware of making sure I was in a good relationship before I had sex. I felt I could talk to her about anything after that and it was a huge burden off of me and made us closer! Act now and be thankful. She will have sex with or without your permission, all you can do is educate her and be there for her.

There are more dangerous chances that she is taking, and that she needs to be aware of. She needs to know that even on the pill she needs to protect herself from HIV/AIDs and other STDs meaning additional measures are required. There is also increased risk of cervical cancer with early sexual experience so she should be imunized for that and do regular pap smears. Even if she has only 1 sexual partner these remain risks, it is the same as having relations with all of that partner's partners and it does not end there but continues outward from there.

I would make sure that the doctor conveys all of these risks so that she understands and is very careful, it is her life that she is endangering, as well as that of her future children and partners.

Good luck and be glad that you know what is happening and can be aware in case there are more problems. Her choices do have an impact on you and her siblings, she needs to know that too.

Besides, possibly having an unwanted pregnancy and then a possible abortion - STDS! Herpes for life, Aids for life or to an early death. Cervical Cancer - from sex - now has a vaccine. Make sure she knows her risks and the young boy too. How scary. I have 4 little ones and don't know how I'll deal when this stuff happens to me. We are catholics, so hopefully abstinence will be high on the list.

I am not the mother of a teenager yet. So take this with salt. I am however, the daughter of a young woman who did not use birth control and I exist because my father fought for me and is anti abortion and married my mom. Luckily for everybody, the marriage worked out.
That said,
I am assuming she knows you are less than thrilled with her current decision.
I would talk over her birth control options and help her purchase them. I would not "buy them for her." She needs to buy them. I would take her to the doctor for a check up and have a medical discussion on the pros and cons of different birth control options. And yes, get her on the pill if that is what she chooses. (This is hard for me to write I am very anti pill) but again I would ask her to buy them herself. If that means she needs to work out a housework schedule to earn the income fine. If she is old enough to have sex, she is old enough to earn the money to do so safely.
I would have a very clear discussion on the "worst case scenario" so that you and she know what your feelings are if she gets a disease, or finds herself pregnant.
I applaud you so heartily for recognizing that she is moving into a time of life where she is making her own decisions and for respecting that even though you don't agree with her choices. I can only hope to do the same when it is my turn. I applaud you that your daughter feels she can discuss this with you. That says so very much.
Keep your chin up and keep your lines of communication open - and be nice to yourself. You are a great mom!

D.,
while birth control prevents pregnancy, it does not prevent STDs. She needs to be informed of the other risks of sex as well. There is plenty of information on the internet. At least she is thinking about prevention and not caring about getting pregnant.

We can not make our childrens mistakes. We can however be there to pick them up when their world falls apart.
God help you,
C. B

I think its great that your daughter feels like she can talk to you about sex even if she knows you will disapprove of what she is doing. To me it also shows some maturity and responsibility that she is questioning you about methods of birth control. To refuse her now will shut down the lines of communication between you two and she may not feel like she can come to you again with other problems. I think it would be better to educate and help her then to ignore the problem and hope she doesn't have sex, the consequences for that may be much more difficult then buying a box of condoms and getting a birth control prescription. I think that it may be hard, but helping her while advising her that its not a good idea and why might be the best way to maintain the good relationship it seems that you have. My family and religion only taught abstinence and as a result I never sought her advice or confided in her when I did become sexually active.

I dread the day this becomes an issue for me to deal with regarding my own daughter, but if it does happen I hope that she will feel comfortable enough to tell me and ask for my help. So Kudos to you for a job well done already. She might have made a choice that you don't approve of, but at least now she's willing to be responsible for her choice. That said, I'm going to agree with the other responses that you should definitely help her get on the pill AND some condoms.

Go to her appointment with her and then make sure the doctor provides her with information on safe sex and STD's (she needs to know that the pill will only help prevent an unwanted pregnancy, not STDs) and to make sure she understands how to use the pill correctly. I watched a movie called "Girl Positive" and it's about a girl who makes one bad choice and ends up HIV+ and there is an excellent scene where a teacher shows the students how easily it is to pass as STD. I highly recommend having her watch it with you.

That said, giving her access to birth control is NOT giving her permission to have sex and explain that you think she should wait to do it again and I would make sure she understands your feelings. And I would do everything in your power to make it as difficult as possible for her to have sex, but helping her with the proper precautions will ensure that if and when she does have sex, she'll be doing everything she can to keep herself safe.

Best wishes and good luck!

First congrats on keeping communication open w/ your DD, I have 4 teens and three little ones, and haven't had to face this situation, only one is old enough to date (they have to be 16) but I have 2 who will be able to this summer, giving your child the tools to protect herself is not giving her permission to have sex! It's to late for that she already is. Put her on the pill, but if she wants condoms then she needs to buy them herself, if she feels grown-up enough to have sex then she needs to be grown up enough to buy them. My 16 year old has already bought his first box it is part of turning 16 in my house, I dought he has used them he is very shy and introverted and somewhat afraid of girls....poor guy!

Her choice isn't a reflection on you, I don't think that there is a parent out thier who chooses for thier child to start having sex, lord knows I am not ready, but realisticly that is one area we can't completley control. the best advice I have is to be thier for her, listen when she talks and give her support. I am not saying to just let her do what she wants, you don't have to like it and should be allowed to say so. I hope things work out this subject is such a hard one on us parents!

I was your daughter 15 years ago, and as a mom now, I know how foolish I was then and wish my mom would have parented this situation differently. As much as your daughter thinks she is grown up enough to have sex, and exhibits that theory with open communication with you...she is still a child. Her body and mind are not mature enough to handle sex. I was the same age when I had sex for the first time, and unfortunately, although I swore I would always be protected, I wasn't, and got pregnant. My mom was a practicing feminist back then, and offered abortion as the solution. That just made the problem go away for her not for me. As I have grown, matured and become a mom, not a day goes by that I don't wish I would have put that innocent child up for adoption or for that matter not had sex until I was married. I have learned so much in the last 15 years and would offer this to you...Instead of supporting your daughter in her behavior, give her an option. Set up a bank account in your name for her. Deposit what you can afford into it each month. Write out a contract explaining to her that this money is to be hers for her wedding or for her and her husband to start their lives when she is married. But in the contract it should state that she is to refrain from sex from this point until marriage. She is not to become pregnant or lie about having sex. Assure her that at least until she is 18, you will know if she is having sex. Get creative with the contract. If she breaches the contract in any way, she has no more rights to the money, and mom, you get to spend the cash how you would like. Your daughter is your child. Don't let her make the same mistake that most of the young women in our society have. Teach her that she needs to respect herself and her body. The guy or guys she is having sex with do not respect her. Do not love her. They just want sex and she is willing to give it. Please don't let her be that girl. She deserves more. Unfortunately, young girls who do not have a father in the home replace dad with guys who want to have sex. That's how they think they are getting the male love they need. You are the mom and it is your job to grow her into a healthy, mature, respectable woman. Hope this helps.

Hi D.,

I know you want to be her friend, but first you need to be her parent. No one else will. Before you just support her in her, most likely, uninformed decision, take a look at this web page from Alternatives Pregnancy Center:
www.youhavealternatives.org/abstinence/information-for-pa...

She may need to be informed that her decision to continue to have sex. Maybe her boyfriend is pressuring her. Maybe she has no clue what she's getting herself into. I would research some of the statistics associated with teen sex before marriage, because "safe sex" is an oxymoron. She can stop and choose to abstain from this point on and make an informed decision.

Good luck!
M.

Dear D.,

First of all, there is no such thing as "Safe Sex". Children that have sex WILL become parents- (unless they are infertile). It's just a matter of time.

There is no doubt that she is a child. 14 may appear to be old enough to engage in sexual behavior, but she isn't prepared emotionally or physically to be involved in sex, or to become a parent. Can she have sex? Yes, as she has said. But where are you? Where is she going to have sex and why? Doesn't she have enough going on in her life at home with you and her siblings to choose freedom vs. the slavery that intimacy at her age creates?

You are her parent, then parent. Thinking that she is "choosing" is a misnomer, a mistake on your part. It's a created phrase from our "TV" world. It's not reality. How can you "choose" when you are blind to the consequences?

STDs are also not just something that she may be exposed to...she IS exposed, sooner or later. There are very serious consequences to her "choice". Do you, as her parent, really think she has any clue as to what those consequences can mean? Besides AIDs, there is a whole barrage of infectious diseases that can cause life long serious health conditions. Do your research. Sex is not for recreation.

Bring your daughter home...keep her accountable for where she is and what she is doing. She needs a parent, not a friend that will condone destructive behavior. "Sexual freedom" should mean that she is free from sexual intercourse until she is much older, responsible and in a committed relationship- I prefer the word: MARRIAGE. Too many women find themselves tied to a boy or man that has no intentions or understanding of what early sex can do to a woman, until it is too late.

We are perpetuating a society of sexual irresponsibility. Your language and your insecurity depicts this mentality and it sounds as if you have resigned yourself to your daughters "choice". Is that how you really feel? What kinds of example is her behavior to your younger children?

Realize that children that are 14 are not built to deliver babies. They are growing and developing themselves, so then, why would we consider sex at that age to be "OK"?

We as parents need to feel that we can guide our children's choices. You are her Mom and have that responsibility, especially at this young age. Don't feel like you don't have options, you do.

Not only are there "risks" involved with early sex, but there are consequences that YOU will have to reckon with. Her sexual activity does not only effect her, if effects you and your other children and her future family. You may the one that has to care for her baby- your Grandchild- while she begins High School, or drops out. You will be the one that consoles her when she contracts one or more of these: Herpes, Clamidia, Gonorrhea, AIDs, Hep B and/or Hep C or other STDs. You will be the one that watches as she tears giving birth or recovers from a C-section because she is 1. young 2. because she has a Herpes outbreak OR she is becomes infertile due to Clamidia, or she is weak because she is suffering from the life long effects of Hep B or C or AIDs, until she dies. Worse yet- you may be the one that decides to take her for her abortion/s which she (and you) will never recover from emotionally.

But almost certainly you will be the one that sees her go from relationship to relationship looking for love and not understanding that sex in itself is empty, where women are often disregarded and used. She needs to learn that Sex is fulfilling, but only when you are secure, mature and in a stable and loving relationship...as an adult.

It's not that all those terrible things will happen, but as a Midwife I have counseled so many woman that have had those experiences in their lives due to early sexuality. I can't encourage you enough to get the kind of counseling that will empower you as her mother to stand firm and set limits. It may be difficult and your daughter may rebel, but chances are that she is watching YOU to see what you will do in her behalf.

I feel for you. Stand firm in what you know to be right.
God Bless,

H. B. Midwife and MOM (mother of many-9)
Wonderful marriages can happen, they are worth the wait.