Mother in Law Not Kind to My Daughter ( Step Grandchild)

Your husband doesn't want to deal with his mother on this issue. He's a wuss, plain and simple. Shame on him and shame on her.

That said, stop having anything to do with the woman. When she calls, hand the phone to her son. Don't care if she only has something to do with your step-kids. Perhaps by the time your youngest gets old enough to really understand about his grandmother, your stepkids will be old enough to be out on their own and probably won't spend a lot of time with her. By this time, your girl and your youngest won't want to have anything to do with her either. Gee, she will be out of grandkids, won't she...

Really and truly, un-isolate yourself with FRIENDS. You don't have to put up with nasty family. Just walk away from her and let your husband deal with his mom. Unfortunately, lots of men simply won't stand up to their mothers treating their wives badly. I'm sorry you have this kind of husband.

It sounds to me as if your teenage daughter is handling this very maturely. Did you come into this family with your daughter already being a teenager? It's a different set of expectations than if she were a small child entering the family... there's very little chance of her wanting to bond with them or the family matriarch wanting to bond with her.

I would say for your older daughter, especially as a high school graduate that's now an adult "child" that it's an unfair expectation on your mother-in-law to say, "Love and treat my teenage daughter the same as your biological grandchildren!" Adult teen daughter shouldn't necessarily be invited or included in every single thing that your mother-in-law does for her bio-grandchildren and I think you should let that go.

At first I thought that maybe this daughter was a young teenager, like 13, or a preteen like 10 or 11. Even that would make a difference. But she's a high school graduate.

When it comes to your younger daughter, if she's a small child and she's the biological child to your husband then yes ideally your mother-in-law ought to be treating her the same way as the other grandchildren. Except it sounds as if you live very far away from her and rarely ever see her. Yet when she does see this granddaughter, she does dote on her as well as on your stepchildren.

Her behavior and attitude towards you won't change unless YOUR HUSBAND addresses the issues. But also learn to speak up for yourself and try to get to know your mother-in-law. Right now you have very little common ground... but you have more in common than you think. You both love your husband, your stepchildren, and your little girl. Start there.

That's tough. You can't make someone care for or be involved with anyone else. I will say that as a mother to two children (the oldest of which has step parents and both of which has step-grandparents), this is wrong...it's not fair to the child at all. I will add that while my inlaws treat treat my son as their grandson, my ex's inlaws treat him as their SIL's son but definately not like a grandson. Considering his dad treats him like a friend rather than a son, I am not surprised.

I don't know how to solve your problem, you may just have to accept it but I will tell you that I feel that when a stepchild is in the picture, they should be treated just as a bio-child would be treated (by the parents/step-parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles) and the step-parent should be sure their family knows they expect that (if it's not readily offered).

She is not obligated to do anything she does not want to do, It does not make it right or ok, but it is what it is. It will probably never change.

Since your husband is not willing to deal with his own mother, you have a choice. Stay married and take this treatment or stay married, love your husband and all of the children and ignore your mother in law and her treatment.

I love my husband so much, that I am not going to let his mother ruin my life. I no longer speak with her. I do not miss her or have to witness her treatment of my husband and our child. (he has spoken to her many times, even went to counseling but nothing changed).

I do encourage my husband and daughter to call and visit her. I feel like it is her loss.

Sorry, not much help except, to try marriage counseling with your husband if you really feel like you want him to understand how you feel.

My ex-mother-in-law showed (and still shows) preference to her grandson (now 26) over her three granddaughters, two of whom are mine. There is nothing anybody can do to change people like this. It's just the way they are. It happens in blended families with step children, and even with biological children like mine. You just have to get over it. Nagging your husband won't help, because he can't change her either. She is who she is. There are others in your life who love your children. Spend time with them.

Your child is no relation to her. She does not owe her any affection. She should care for her but obviously she is not going to. It is time for you to accept this. I would say that your daughter is being very mature about the whole thing. She has accepted that this woman is not interested in her as a person.

As for your child with your husband he is the only one who should say or do anything when your child with him is not included. I'd not want her to take them anywhere myself. I'd make sure she was never invited.

Often, men don't like to deal with conflict. After 16 years, I have not once seen my husband jump right in the middle of a family conflict and sort out the issues.

My mother in law introduced my daughter to her friends while I was in the other room and said, "They are Italian". I shouted to all of them, "We are Spaniards". She even found it necessary to tell them our last name which she butchered with an Italian twist. I walked in the room and corrected the whole thing. My thoughts are, she probably cannot find Spain on the map, and possibly not the correct continent.

Don't feel isolated, I think your daughter is handling this the right way. It really doesn't matter if you are a blood relative or not, there are no promises you will be accepted. My mother in law favors one son and one grandchild. She drives through our city and a visit would only be 10 miles away, however, she keeps driving.

I don't understand how you trust your husband with your life, he has no control over how his mother acts or treats you. He could shout at her all he wants and she is still going to do what she wants.

I think you should keep your distance from her and be as cordial as possible when you are around her.

I am no expert in any of this and probably shouldn't respond first, but here goes. One thing I am certain of is that blended families are tough. You can search the archives here on mamapedia and find many such discussions.

There is no "right" way for a family to blend and for a MIL to treat a step-grandchild. The important thing is to have a good understanding if your expectations and your husbands, first. The two of you need to talk and come to some agreement. As I said, having no direct experience with a blended family, I am not entirely sure it's fair to expect your MIL to treat your daughter, who would be her step granddaughter, the same as she treats her biological grandchildren. Honestly, I just think that's too much to ask. I know others feel militant about this but personally, I think it's unrealistic.

What about your childs' paternal grandparents? Your own child, who is not your husband's, probably has another set of grandparents. So she has something that your husband's two children do not. Can you cultivate that relationship? Even by Skype or something if they are not here in the US - so you can feel that she isn't missing out on the grandparent thing? And what of your parents? Are they around? Would you really expect them to treat your husbands biological children the way they treat yours?

SO, I think in part you need to adjust your expectations to reality, have an honest and non confrontational talk with your husband and come to some better understanding of what to expect from your MIL.

And then, provided she's not "toxic", I think in this instance you should roll with the punches here. TO me, the examples you give do not sound like anything to get miffed over. Many grandmothers like to do things their own way (which may be what you mean by under play you) - this is likely nothing personal to insult you. Introducing your daughter to a neighbor with out you? What's the big deal? Maybe it just happened that she saw the neighbor - i would interpret this as a positive sign that she was "proud" enough of your daughter to introduce her.

Your other issue, which may be the bigger issue (s) - is your feeling of isolation and that you can't trust your husband? I am assuming there's a bigger reason you can't trust your husband - it can't be just over this. If it's over this, you REALLY need to talk this through because this is nothing to not trust him over. If there's another reason for not trusting him you need to get past that as well. Bottom line - there's not much hope for a marriage, especially a challenging situation with blended families, to last if the couple doesn't trust each other. marriage is hard.

Perhaps you can find ways to meet other local moms and even other people from you homeland to develop a network of friends so you don't feel alone.

OK I am babbling ut there's so much ambiguity and several things going on in your post I am trying to cover all bases.

Good luck!

If he's not close to his mom, I understand him not wanting to deal with this. It's possible that he's accepted how she is and knows that saying something will not help and in fact may hurt.

I suggest, since you don't live near and won't be seeing her often, that you let go of wanting her to be different. You cannot change her. Yes, it hurts that she doesn't pay as much attention to your two daughters. But you cannot change it.

Also, I suggest that she may be doing this with the kids because those two that she invited to take the trip are older. It sounds like at least the daughter you share with your husband is young. You don't want to take away from the ones that she does pay attention to. "Two wrongs do not make a right." Be glad for those girls. Be glad your older daughter has accepted it.

I don't understand why you would not trust your husband with your life just because he doesn't try to change his mother. Consider that he's learned a way to live with his mother and take lessons from him so that you're less upset.

I just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. We are a blended family and our parents and families treat all of their grandchildren, biological and step, the same. When my step-daughter didn't live with us, she spent most of the Christian holidays like Easter and Christmas with her mother so there were years when she didn't see my extended family at all and even with that, if my aunts and uncles got Christmas gifts or Easter treats for my biological children, they included my SD as well. My siblings always get her birthday and Christmas presents, and my husband's family always treats my oldest son the same way they treat the rest of our kids. My FIL proudly introduces my son (his step-grandson) as his oldest grandson. So I don't think your expectations are at all out of line.

However, it appears that your MIL is not gracious enough to act that way. I would just take the high road here. Your oldest daugther seems to be OK with this and given that she's an adult, she'll be fine. If the way that your MIL treats your younger biological child is truly different from how she treats your step-children and it's not just related to age (perhaps your youngest is much younger than her siblings?) then I would have to draw a line in the sand there and let you husband know that you will not allow your younger daughter to be treated like a second-class citizen by the woman who actually is her grandmother. He can either stand with you or not, but you won't have your child slighted by this woman and if she can't treat the three younger kids equitably (within reason, adjusting for age) then she shouldn't see them at all and if she can't at least be polite to you, she won't see you or the kids.

Do you have family where you are from? If so, I would work on fostering those relationships between your biological children, step-children and your family. Model for your MIL what you expect from her. Maybe if she hears your step-children talking about a letter they received from their other grandparents or family members (your side of the family), or about a gift from them or a phone call or skype chat, she'll start to see that your family is accepting all of your children and that she should too. It must be very hard to be away from your family, so try to close that distance a bit however you can - via phone, computer, or mail - and let all of your children, including your steps, get to know more about your family and where you are from. Sometimes children have a way of spreading tolerance that's effective with close-minded people like your MIL.

There are two things going on. One, she owes your child nothing. 2. She may not like her son married to someone from a different country.