Mother in Law - Camp Verde,AZ

J.,
I think you are going to have to accept the situation for what it is. She will only come around when and if she wants to. some never do, but there is nothing you can do.it's sad. My mom was never much of a mother and not a gramma at all. I always thought she would step up. but ahe never did. Now that my kids are all big. she can't understand why they won't call her.
Could you go to the local senior center and adopt a gramma? senior centers are for people over 50. they are a livily bunch.

J., I am a young grandmother and I love all three of my grandchildren with all of my heart. Someone has suggested that you might want to adopt a grandmother...I am here! I know it sounds wierd but I have been taking care of my self for many years without my mother being around and I know how hard it is. If you ever need to talk or email...please let me know. My husband did 21 years in the Army and now he drives truck and is gone all the time. I am not able to see two of my grandchildren because they live in Ohio with my daughter and I can't afford to go see them. :(
Let me know if you need an ear.

T.

J.,
Stop asking her. If she chooses not to be involved then it is her lost. I had a similar situation. Once you stop asking for awhile (it might take a year or two) she may realize what she is missing and come around. Some people are just not ready to give. Also when your child is older and able to interact and talk, that may be her comfort level. Just give it some time and enjoy your daughter. She is not missing anything when she has your love. Hope that helps.

Hi J.,

Sorry to hear about grandma, its her lost. Maybe you can adopt a grandma, a older neighbor or there is a group called Mops (mother of preschoolers). They sometimes have mentor moms, older women with grown kids. That can be good for both of you. You and your little one can make friends so you don't have life on your own. If you want to know more about MOPS, here is my email, ____@____.com

L. Smith

First off, stop trying so hard with the in-law. It could be that she is genuinely busy, but, if she's blowing you off, she's genuinely not interested. This stinks, but it's not a big deal. At this age your little girl has no idea what "Grandmother" even is, and, with the amount of children now-a-days who don't even know who daddy is, she's already ahead of the race. If you need the figure of an elderly, motherly/grandmotherly persona, there are several ways to fill that void. One, go to church. I know it sounds like I am a religious nut, but the fact is that older people tend to go to church, many of them who would just love a little child to "play grandma" to for a few hours. There is also the "adopt the elderly" program where you can visit someone who can become this "grandparent".
Second, and don't take this the wrong way, are you, perhaps, more interested in filling your own void that was left by your mother's passing? It's hard when you're thinking "Oh, if only my mom could be here to cuddle my child," and it's extremely easy to convert those wistful felings into guilt that, perhaps, your child is not getting enough attention. If you're concerned there, and you're making efforts, then she already has someone to fill her with love - YOU! Relax, love your little girl, and forget about the people who are being "worthless".

Hi J.,

I am sorry about the loss of your mom, and with your mother in law it sounds to me that she really wants nothing to do with your daughter or even being a grandma. Is this her first grandchild? If you ever need to talk just give me a buzz (my email address is ____@____.com)

Although it is sad and I can't imagine if I was a grandma not wanting to take an interest in my grandchild, but my best advice is to let it go. Go about your life with your child and husband and understand that you probably won't ever be able to figure out why your mother in law is the way she is.

I struggle with figuring out some of the things people do because I can't imagine being that way, but it only adds to my frustration. I would leave her alone, don't even remind her of the one year birthday party. Do it for your own mental health. And if she continues to not show interest and your daughter is old enough to understand, explain to her that she exists but for her own reasons which has nothing to do with you guys, she doesn't show interest. I do that with my oldest daughter about my sister, who shows no effort in having a relationship and our kids were born on the same day! My daughter totally understands it has nothing to do with her.

Hi I am sorry that yoru mother in law is like that. Me and my husband have three kids one on the way and neither of our parents are really involved with my kids. our oldest is 7 years old and i dont think has ever gotten anything from grandparents in that seven years. we have learned to amke good friends, just a few to suppliment our childrens family. The way i see it is it is the grandparents loss because my kids have lots of people around them that enjoy their company and give out those hugs that would normally come from grandmas and grandpas. It sucks but you cant make someone care enough to be involved. Good luck and i hope she starts to see what she is missing out on. Big hugs and i am sorry. F.

If possible, try to have an open conversation with her. Don't ask why she doesn't want to be involved - that will only put her on the defensive. Try to keep the conversation as non-judgemental as possible. Simply ask her what being a grandparent looks like to her. She may want to be involved but may not know how to approach it. Maybe it means that you have a weekly or monthly tradition of breakfast together. Maybe she feels too young to be a "grandma" in the way that we expect a grandma to be, so something more active (outings vs the Sunday brunch)or more unexpected (weekend get-away vs Sunday dinner) may suit her better.

Speaking for myself, I know my mom & mil would both be more "involved" if I simply weren't there. I think they are afraid of getting in the way. So an afternoon at grandma's works better for these woman than something where I'm in the room. I know, that probably sounds terrible, but it gives them more freedom and they are more relaxed.

It's easier to let the story play in your head than to ask her these questions, but you all will benefit if you can have an open & honest discussion about what you & she want and what you wish for your children.

Good luck,
P.

I am sorry, I have no advice on this, but I have to agree with the last lady...Have you talked to your husband?

I am complete opposite of your situation, my mother-in-law would be here everyday if she lived in Colorado, thanks god she is in Michigan!!!!!

I suggest talking to your husband, and try what the last lady said, adopt a new grandma!

hello well I can relate except its my mother who does this only she lives in Tucson but it may as well be a diff country as well as we are concerned! My BF mom works alot and also is not overly involved but she always makes it to the family functions. I get frustrated myself because I feel like we are all alone and the kids hardly see any of the grandparents and they have 3 grandmas and 2 grandpas!

I have made effort to change this but there is nothing I can figure out to do for the situation. If they are around more we would like it to be by choice. My mom herself s said she would come to events then not show up! I am not to the point I just don't care.

I have the same problem with my husband's parents. At first I was really upset, but my husband told me that because his relationship with his dad & step-mom was strained, that their relationship with my daughter would be too. Now that I'm pregnant with our second I've decided that if they want to miss out on their grandchildren then thats their issue. And I don't really mention them to my daughter so she doesn't get confused. Maybe you can just adopt a new grandma.

Just be happy that your daughter has you and your husband. I honestly wish that my mother-in-law had less to do with us. My husband is in the AF and she is constantly criticizing me and telling me how horrible a mother I am and that my daughter is "messed up" because of me (btw, my daughter has ASD). So just keep putting it out there that you want her to be involved and leave it up to her. If she doesn't want to be involved, then that is her loss. Good luck with everything and if you just want a "grandma" for her, try "adopting" one.

That IS a tough one! My mom lives about 30 min away and is almost the same. She cancels visits, doesn't initiate them, leaves early when she does come by, etc. I try to surround myself with people who DO want to be around, and although it's hard to rationalize someone elses' seemingly sad/poor choices, it is far easier to not set yourself up for disappointment/hurt by expecting them to be the ones to change. There can be great surrogate grandmother figures out there from older friends, aunts, and so on. What really matters is that your child is surrounded by positive people - whether that be family or friends, as they can pick up on emotions more easily.

Good luck!

Hi J.,
I saw your post and can completely simpathize on the Mother In Law situation. My mother In Law makes very little effort to see her own son let alone her granddaugher. Luckily my parents are still around though so that does provide comfort. I too get very upset and complain to my friends all the time about it. I used to be adament about us seeing her every month prior to my daughter being born, but once I saw that nothing changed with her once the baby came I have basically given up on her. I wish I had some good advise for you because I could use it myself. Most of my friends have suggested to keep inviting her to parties, dinner, etc. but just don't have any expectations. If you have close friends nearby that love and adore your daugher, that will be wonderful for her. Hopefully your mother in law will come around on her own accord and she just needs some time to adjust. It's so frustrating though, but just keep doing what you are doing. Best of luck to you.

Hey J.. I am soo sorry about your mom.I have the same problem with my in laws. My problem is that they never liked me to begin with and they never really had anything to do with my hubby before i came in the pic. we had to do fertility stuff to have our two boys and they said that there was nothing wrong with me that God didnt want me to be a parent.I spent 5 long years being so upset that i would get sick if i knew that i had to see them. My hubby finally talked to them because he had enough of them spending time and money on there other grandchildren and neglecting ours. It kind of worked. Now they see my hubby and call him. every once in a while they see my boys. I dont make the boys call them grandparent names and if I have plans when they decide that they want to see the kids, I no longer break those plans. It could be a lot worse. my inlaws didnt even come to the hospital when my 5wk old had rsv and almost died. They said it was my fault and i was a bad mom. So i agree with everyone who said that it is not a bad thing if she isnt around. Adopt a new grandma, give your baby all the hugs you can because in the end you are the one that matters to her. Dr.phil says over and over that you teach people how to treat you. so dont settle for less than happiness!

I am in a similar position with my mother in law. We live in Denver and she is in Aurora and does not see my daughter unless I take her there. She has only been to my house once and that was to pick something up. It is really frustrating to me because I want my daughter to know her grandmother. My baby is mixed and I think she should know both sides of her family. I don't always have the money to drive out to her. Then when I do a lot of times she will not be available. Last weekend she asked me not to come because she wanted to study her bible. My daughter is 13 months old and she cries when she sees her grandma because she doesn't know her. My mom lives 4 hours away and comes to visit once a month. My baby loves her and calls her nana. It makes me sad because I want her to know both of her grandmothers but I know I cannot make her be involved with my child. I don't know what else to do.

i have this same problem with my husbands mom. she never sends the girls birthday cards or even a christmas card. they have even come to north platte with out stopping to see the girls. at first i was mad and hurt by how they act but then i came to realize that they are only hurting themselves. i thought that i would stop sending them pictures and do the same to them when we go to lincoln but i like to let them see what they are missing. maybe im being spiteful but my girls have other people that are in thier life that are "grandparents" to them. also have your husband talk to her. maybe he can get some info that shes not willing to share with you.

I don't know the "right" answer. But I also have the same problem. My daughter is know 3 and my son is 4 months. My mother in law has just now started being interested in my daughter. Some people don't know how to be with infants. My M-in-law is obviously one of those people. Thank goodness your daughter is too young to know better right now and hopefully by the time she can remember your mother in law will be more involved in her life.

Hi J.-
My only advice is ask her why she does not want to be apart of your daughters life..You can not force someone to want to be a grandmother..This is what she is missing out on not your daughter..It is better for her to not have a grandma then to think her grandmother wants nothing to do with her and is forced to see her..
I personally would LOVE if my Mother in law had nothing to do wtih my children..I am thinking of ways to get out of seeing mine the 3 times a year I have to now!! But that is just me..
Good luck with your situation,
M.

That's gotta be rough. I was wondering if you had told your husband about how you feel and maybe have him approach the issue with her, since it's his mom.

Mother in laws can rarely win. On this site some mothers complain that the MIL wants to see the children too much.

Have your husband take the child to her so that you are not in the middle. Maybe she wants more time with her son and the child alone.

Inlaw problems are very complicated, with many issues coming from many sides. It is best to focus on living a good, healthy life, and caring for those whom are in your charge - your husband and child. With genuine effort and concern, problems can have a way of resolving themselves.

I heartily wish you good luck.