Mother-in-Law Is Driving Me CRAZY!

You ARE doing the BEST thing for your baby!! Breast milk is easier for the baby to digest, has all the nutrients the baby needs, ensures the best development of baby's organs and breast milk has many substances that protect baby from a variety of diseases and infections. Not to mention, the special bond that's created between you and your baby.

I breastfed my first child and he was never sick! The benefits are huge!!!

Keep up the great work!

I just wanted to chime in with support for you, even though a lot of people already have. I'm a breastfeeding mom to a 20 mos old boy. My MIL also was extremely against BFing. She even forbid me to BF in her house. So, we stopped visiting her. Then she complained that we were breaking up the family and keeping her grandson from her. She bought bottles and formula, insisted I leave him with her for an entire day and threw fit after fit when I refused (she lives about an hour away and there was no reason to leave him because I'm a sahm, but who would leave their child with someone knowing they would blatantly disregard the parents' wishes?). She ridiculed pretty much every other parenting decision we've made -- I do a lot of AP stuff which some people disagree with, but no one has been as nasty to me about it as my MIL. It has gotten so bad that I now refuse to see her at all. If my husband wants to spend time with his parents, he takes our son to their house by himself. I'm expecting another baby in April and wondering how it's going to work since she will be sure to forbid breastfeeding and I won't be able to leave the baby for long enough for my husband to take the baby for visits. So, either MIL will have to come here and see me breastfeed or she won't see her 2nd grandchild. I find it unfathomable that someone would be so nasty and intentionally drive a wedge into the family. So, I feel for you.

I feel for you! Your MIL was very insensitive to speak that way at Thanksgiving. I nursed both of my kids for almost a year. Nursing in public was tough because of the ignorant attitudes of people (most who have never breastfed in their life!). I nursed where it was comfortable for me, whether it be a park bench, the couch, etc. I was more conservative with nursing my first, but with the second child, I did not care. I always attempted to cover up, but like you said, sometimes the baby will push away the blanket or whatever. The only way anyone will "see" anything is if they are looking. Sometimes its best to just get up and leave the room when people start talking like that. What does your husband think? Is it possible that he could let your MIL know how offended you were? Breasts were made for babies to feed - not to be sexual objects, so you are using them for their intended purpose. Good for you for nursing for 7 months!

You'd better get used to the "negative" opinion about breastfeeding. Everyone seems to have their own level of comfort with this. Some people think it's ok to breastfeed in public, some not, and some people think it's ok to breastfeed an infant, but only until they start solids (usually 6months to 9 months). Some of my in-laws just didn't understand why I decided to breastfeed my daughter for 14 months, 2nd daughter for 20 months and I'm currently still breastfeeding my son who is 20 months. Often I was asked, "Are you STILL breastfeeding?" (even at 6 months I was asked this!!??) My response is usually something like, "Yes, this is the best food I can give my baby and giving my baby a healthy start is extremely important to me and I hope you can understand that." If they still didn't seem to accept this I usually quoted studies or research pointing out the "Positive" effects of breastfeeding. There's a lot of info. out there! Like decrease of cancer rates in breastfeeding mother and daughter, less ear infections, etc.. Most importantly though is that you don't let other people make you feel ashamed or uncomfortable for doing what is right for your child. Congrats to you for sticking with it and I hope you have many more months of successful breastfeeding ahead! R.

I believe that all breastfeeding mothers have gone through this... it sucks. You have to do what you feel comfortable with and that is all you can do. With in-laws I have found its best to not voice an opinion. You are right to feed wherever and however you want it is healthier for the baby and you are doing a great job in breastfeeding at all. It is incredibly hard and to have to deal with family judging is even harder. Do your best to keep the peace and feed when you want. Remember they are "old school" and don't necessarily know the benefits and you probably can't convince them of such. Its hard for them to get over the fact that our bodies were made for htat and not for others to look at. With my 3rd child I actually found people being more supportive than ever... coming up to me in public and actually saying its great that you are nursing what a good job. So keep tabs on all the postiive rem;arks you get and ignore those who don't!! I personally just stopped nursing at 7 months, mainly because it was too hard for me to carry and run around I would have liked to continue so do it until you are ready to stop. Good Luck!! :)

I had to grin while I was reading this. As a mom with 3 bio kids 21, 19 and 4, and a stepmom of 5 other children I can tell you I have heard it all. What you have to realize is that EVERYONE has an opinion and when you have children you become the focus. You should breastfeed, no you shouldn't. You should use clothe diapers, no you shouldn't. You should sleep with your child, no you shouldn't. You should let your child put themselves thru college, no you shouldn't. My dear, it NEVER ends. My mom is 80 and STILL tells me what to do as far as my kids go, and I am 41. Just smile, say "thank you for your opinion" and do what YOU think is best. It is your child. Use your gut, trust it. I breastfed my kids until a year old and that was enough for me, if it isn't for you then go for it! In other societies people continue to breastfeed until children are 5 years old, our society doesn't. It stems from when the elite would get a wet nurse or bottle feed, it was a sign of WEALTH not to breastfeed and it has morphed into the norm. Anywayyy, the point is, trust yourself, know that people will always criticize and take it with a smile they mean well even if they are annoying. =)

DaVinci C-

I am so sorry you had to sit thru that convo during a delicious meal with family. I breastfed my 2 1/2 yo till she was 26 months. She never took a bottle, formula, pacifier etc. My eldest two, I was not successfull in breastfeeding them, so i am so proud of myself in my success with my daughter. My daughter is very healthy, and our relationship is very close. Kudos to you and keep up the great nurturing relationship you are having with your baby. I started at 7 mo introducing my daughter with a sippie cup (successfully i might add) just to give her a little something inbetween) I couldnt always sit with her. If I could change the past (with breastfeeding) I wouldnt. It has been a wonderful experience, and those that have never tried to breastfeed, just dont understand the huge benefits your baby has and the awsome bond you form with your child. Keep up the good work, and next time you are in that situation, get up and leave. You do not need to be stressed, it affects your baby and effects your milk supply. Just know you ahve lots of positive support. If youi ever want to talk, feel free to call me ###-###-####. S.

Davinci C,

sounds also like a general issue with MIL rather than just a BF issue. i have an MIL who loves to give her opinions too. as do my husband's grandparents (they think we SPOIL him when we rock his stroller to keep him call if we're waiting in line somewhere or at a restaurant). if i feel they are totally mistaken (as your MIL is about breastfeeding), i usually just politely respond with an "actually, the american academy of pediatrics [or insert article by professional here] says THIS .. . . " or as someone already posted the IL law, state, "interestingly, the IL legislature found that breastfeeding is so crucial in an infants upbringing that they made certain women could breastfeed in public" - sometimes when i do that, they are more puzzled and realize they really don't have any current or accurate information available to them. It really seems like an MIL issue though. Ever since my son (who i BF) was born 3.5 months ago, MIL has been unbearable. she even cries and pouts when she can't hold the baby! fortunately, my husband has tried talking with his parents directly. i hope your husband will come around and do the same.

I happened to mention this to my husband, and he mentioned the following:
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source: http://www.llli.org/Law/Bills18.html

740 ILCS 137/10

Public Act ###-###-####, SB 3211, enacted August 16, 2004.

Section 1. Short title. This Act may be cited as the Right to Breastfeed Act.

Section 5. Purpose. The General Assembly finds that breast milk offers better nutrition, immunity, and digestion, and may raise a baby's IQ, and that breastfeeding offers other benefits such as improved mother-baby bonding, and its encouragement has been established as a major goal of this
decade by the World Health Organization and the United Nations Children's Fund. The General Assembly finds and declares that the Surgeon General of the United States recommends that babies be fed breastmilk, unless medically contraindicated, in order to attain an optimal healthy start.

Section 10. Breastfeeding Location. A mother may breastfeed her baby in any location, public or private, where the mother is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother's breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breastfeeding; however, a mother considering whether to breastfeed her baby in a place of worship shall comport her behavior with the norms appropriatein that place of worship.

Section 15. Private right of action. A woman who has been denied the right to breastfeed by the owner or manager of a public or private location, other than a private residence or place of worship, may bring an action to enjoin future denials of the right to breastfeed. If the woman prevails in her suit, she shall be awarded reasonable attorney's fees and reasonable expenses of litigation.
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You can tell your MIL that her opinion is in the minority. Illinois has made it law that breastfeeding in public is acceptable.

I would have wanted to just whip my breast out right there at the table and fed my child plain as day! I'm actually not that ballsy though, so I would have just quietly fumed and tried to argue "politely" to not disrupt the family holiday gathering. I swear there are some people who bring up subjects like that at times like that just because they know that people are more likely to try and keep the peace during a holiday...

I'm sorry you had to sit through that on Thanksgiving. What a way to ruin a beautiful day. All I can suggest is ignoring them all together. Never get into the conversation, just walk away. The first thing you have to realize is you will never change their opinions. And it sounds like your mother-in-law chooses topics she knows are going to upset you, which is unkind to begin with. So don't give her the satisfaction. Don't play her game. She will probably get worse, trying everything she can to get a rise out of you, before she gets better. No deserves to feel singled out. You are doing a wonderful job at being a mother. Don't ever expect you mother-in-law to recognize that. Just keep doing what your doing and try not consider how they will react to your decisions regarding your child. Being a mom is the toughest job (and most satisfing) in the world. Keep up the good work and just ignore all the rude conversations.

I understand your concerns. I couldn't bf my kids. Extreem mastitis did not let me. I always play devils advocate on things like this too. So please bear with me. I totally understand the need to breast feed for both bb and mother. BUT,when my kids were little I got the same lecture with the opposite pov. How could I not breast feed etc. Even La Leche and lactation in the hospital literally SCOLDED me for not doing it correctly and that the pain that I went through when I tried was only in my head. So, I was running on guilt. Finally I just said, screw it. I am doing the best that I can with what I can...so, leave me be and every time that the subject came up with family I polietly LEFT the table or I stayed silent. My matron of honor even breast fed her bb at the head table at our wedding breast out for all to see. She did this all through dinner. She said that she didn't want to cover up because the bb was not comfortable that way and neither was she. Needless to say that some people left the reception because of this. So, I am coming from both sides here. You can't teach and old dog new tricks. No matter how hard you try. Just grin and bear it. It will happen.

I have a sister who is over the top about expressing her opinions and trying to force feed them down everybodies throat and a mother who comes accross as a snobby racist. I unfortunately have had many inappropriate discussions occur at my table and/or in the presence of friends.

When it comes to the breast feeding topic, I can't help but feel it is much like my continual arguement with my sisters over my working full time. They both work limited hours so that they can be with there children. That works for them but would not work for me financially or mentally. I am a better person if I have a career.

Well I am made to feel as if I am less of a mother for not working part-time and for having my daughter in day-care (as they call it.. letting someone else raise my child).

What it comes down to is that they feel threatened by my success at work and that my daughter is thriving in her day care setting. I believe the same goes for your situation. They are threatened by the fact that you have chosen to breastfeed. They feel as if you are saying they are less of a good mother for having not breastfed their children.

Have the 'confrontation' with the instigator away from the crime scene. That way any arguing or potential back firing will not occur infront of others that might gang up.

If you make it clear how hurt you are by the comments and try to have a heart to heart with the individual.. you might be able to get to the source of the problem.

Getting the husband involved never seems to help. They misinterpret and cause a much bigger problem:)

I can definately understand your frustration and my first question would be where was your husband and did he speak up for you and if not why? I feel if you were being attacked which it seemed like you were and this is HIS family, he should speak up for you and state the fact that if this works for your family then they should not be so closed minded about something that they apparently have no experience in. Secondly, when things like that come up and you aren't comfortable and they overtalk you, leave the room. Sometimes you can't say things to your in laws and over time, you will become more bold but if you aren't comfortable then the best thing to do would be to walk out. Hopefully your silent action will show them that they are disrespecting you.

But unfortunately people will think and feel the way that they do and I understand how you feel because I have the same issue, my inlaws don't bring up controversial issues but they like to argue during the holidays and that bothers me because I do not come together to argue or hear anyone else argue. So what I have found myself doing is limiting my time with them. When we plan to go to their house, it's only for a couple hours and then I find somewhere else to go like my friends or my families house. So maybe you could do that at christmas if you all decide to spend time with your in laws.

It's unfortunate when you feel as though you can't go and have a good time without something erupting but sometimes, more often than not, it's like that and until you feel more comfortable standing your ground then walking away or limiting your time there might be your best option and really talk to your husband and share with him how that makes you feel and how you would appreciate him standing up for you because if they don't respect you, then they will respect him (or they should) and maybe you can get your point across through him. I hope that helps.

The only thing I wanted to add to what other posters had to say is that you do what you feel is right. This is your child not hers. The next time something like this happens I would stand up and say " You are entitled to your own opinions but please respect me and my choices.: At that point walk out of the room if she continues. This way you are showing her respect and being the better person. Good Luck.

Hi,
I am so sorry you had to deal with that over Turkey dinner. You should have kicked your husband for not saying anything to his Mother. It was his place to shut the topic down. Interesting how people think that a woman should go into a bathroom to feed their baby. Perhaps you should have asked your Mother to take her Turkey dinner with all the trimmings into a gas station bathroom bathroom and enjoy. Why not? It is good enough for her granddaughter/son. Doesn't she want the very best for her/him? I breast fed for two years and I was always asked stupid questions like , "Why are you still breastfeeding after 3, 6, 9, 12, 18 months?" I would reply that I enjoy doing the very best for my baby. I plan on getting her into the best schools, I put her in the best clothes, I make sure she is clean and well rested so she can be in the best mood. So... it would only stand to reason that I would want the BEST food. Why can't people see that? GOOD LUCK!! Seriously, please tell your husband that he needs to stick up for breastfeeders. It was his family and he should have handled it. I would kick him in the pants if you havenot already!:)

First off - please DO NOT let your pig of a MIL get to you. Sorry for being so harsh but I couldn't help it. She is being extremely shallow and antagonistic and I have no patience for ppl. as hurtful as her. I really would have snapped at her. The mom who said she wouldn't have the gaul to pull out her breast to prove a point, I was laughing cause I would've just done it because that behavior and antagonism is so bit_hy. I really have had it with ppl. being so shallow about this issue. Its really upsetting to me as well that your husband didn't tell her off in front of everyone. I know my husband would have told her to shut up and go on about why she's so narrow minded. But not every guy is as comfortable as he is. I think some guys just go along with it but do not value it as the same way as we do because they don't get to bond from it like we do. Just know you are doing awesome and you should only have the ability and strength to continue for much longer. I have a 1 1/2 yr. old and she still nurses around the clock and I wouldn't give it up for the world. It is so wonderful. You need to have someone punch her mouth in. (I know I sound like an agressive person but I'm really not, I just can't stand ppl. like your "dear" MIL.

Morning,

First off kudos to you for being able to breast feed your baby. I never either got the hang of it or my girls didn't. I am and have been a work away from hom mom and did not do the pumping thing with my girls. Breast feeding has been the way that our babies have been feed for many many years before the bottle had been invented.

As for your mother in law, for her to come to your house and go off on her talking about it like it was the plague was much un called. Family get-togethers should be a time of love and happines. I think that she has not quite figured that out. 3 of my 6 sisters have breast feed their children. With another one on the way in January. I have had this similar conversation with family members and have told them that if they don't like seeing a baby being fed then to just walk away. Sure mother's should cover, I dont think that it is right for a woman to just "whip" it out and have the baby go for it. But all in all this is a wonderful thing that you are able to do, be happy and very excited that you can give this to your baby.

J.
www.noahbyjodi.com

I'm sorry to hear you are not getting the support you need from your family but you are at the right place now, a community of women who support you and the breastfeeding issue. I was only able to nurse for 4 months because I just dried out. I tried to do keep it going but unfortunately was unable to. I wish I could have done it for at least a year. I got the opposite reaction from my fam. They were upset with me when "I let myself dry out." I tried drinking fluids and taking in extra calories; I even pumped in short intervals but nothing worked. I did get a little down that I dried up but oh well, there was not much I could do.
Keep up the good work if you've made it to 7 months. Don't let anyone bring you down or upset you about the issue. It is your decision and it is the best decision you can make for your baby. As for the mother-in-law, tell her to mind her own business...J/K. I would probably send her handouts about all the benefits of breastmilk. If she still doesn't get it, I would just try and avoid all topics about this issue with her. She is obviously not willing to compromise if she doesn't respect your decision. Good luck and keep up the amazing work.

Hi there,

I have to tell you that that conversation would have really angered me. But before I go further, I do have to say that before I had my two girls, I was one of those people that couldn't believe that people would breastfeed in public. Being I had never done it, I felt that it was a private thing to do.

I feel now, after breastfeeding my first daughter for 10 1/2 mos and still breastfeeding my 11 mo old daughter that there is NOTHING wrong with nursing in public as long as you are appropriate about it. I do admit, the first time I breastfed my first child in front of my folks, it was a little awkward, but you know...they get used to it and it is just the way it is! I feel that the people that complain about nursing in public are the people that have never done it themselves. I bet you that your mother-in-law never breastfed her children. I think that makes a BIG difference.

This day and age, more and more people are nursing and that is PHENOMINAL! I love doing it! I love the connection that you get with each child and wouldn't change my decision for anything!

Keep it up! Your doing great!

You go girl! You have every right to feel the way you do. I am also a first-time mom of a 6-month-old and also feel quite proud of myself for continuing to breastfeed. Some people will never understand your point of view, which is unfortunate. Try to enjoy the time you spend with people who support your wonderful efforts to be the best mom you can be. Don't be afraid to remind your in-laws that you ARE in the room and that their comments can be hurtful. They should be aware of your feelings, whether they agree with you or not. In the meantime, cherish every moment with your sweet baby girl!

I think you are right to be offended. Maybe your husband's family didn't mean to single you out. Unfortunately, breastfeeding is not as common as maybe it should be. It's amazing with so many sexual images and scantily clad women people can still be offended by a mother feeding her child. You have made an excellent choice and your daughter will reap the benefits for years to come. However, it is just one of those difficult choices that comes with no recognition whatsoever. I breastfed my son until he was 10 months and I know without a doubt it was the best choice for both of us. The only difficulty I had was roadtrips and narrow minded people. Sometimes all it takes is one breastfeeding friend to help support you. That's what got me through.

Your mother in law is intentionally pushing your buttons. Some people just enjoy being manipulative in that way. She selects topics that keep her in control and put you on the defensive on purpose. It's too bad she is incapable of having a healthy relationship.
It's hard to not respond when she offends you , but getting you to do that is part of her game. The best way to stop her is to stop playing her game. The next time she pulls this, instead of responding with your emotions, stop, calm and analyze why she said what she just said. Prepare a scripted sentence as a response like, " You seem like you just want to rile people up today." If you respond with any other answer, she wins.
Good luck with this one.

You've gotten a lot of great support so far. I just wanted to jmp in and add my 2 cents. I agree with everyone else. It sucks that you had to sit through a beautiful holiday with people who are so crass. In the area of political topics, my family split with opinions. My husband and I have agreed to NEVER bring up politics (and religion) when we are with our families.

As for the breastfeeding. I have a 2 month old and I undersand your frustration. I want to commend you on breastfeeding thus far! I think a previous poster said to tell your MIL to shove it out her a$$. I talk big when it comes to MILs, but not sure if I'd have the kahunas to tell her off at Thanksgiving dinner. Perhaps you can say something to her later? And maybe you can talk to your husband about speaking up in the future.

I can 100% relate to bad MIL stories. Mine said "you sure have gained some weight!" Ummm, I just had a baby 2 months ago!!!

Hang in there!
B. :-)

Hi my name is D., I'm a new mother too, my baby is almost 2 months old and I'm breastfeeding too, at the beginnig I used to think " I am NOT going to breastfeed my baby in public", but, now I understand that, you can not plan when, how, or where the baby is going to be hungry, so now I DON'T CARE if the people looks at my nipple or if they look at my bra or what are they thinking, the only think I now I'm feeding my baby and I know thanks to THIS she is going to very healthy. Personally I don't see what's wrong with it, it is not that you are "exposing" your self, or doing something Dirty.
Breastfeed is the Best language to show the rest of the world what THE LOVE means, to show them that a mother is always ready for her child, and all the things outside of that bond are so insignificant that they vanish. I feel proud for all the mothers that breastfeed their little ones, because it's not easy in this busy style of life to keep it up, but we have done it. So the only thing I can tell you is CONGRATULATIONS for your hard work, don't let anybody to upset you, You are doing the best.

I can't believe that your MIL said you shouldn't be so sensitive. This is definitely a manners and etiquette issue and not a BF isue. She may have a right to her opinion, but you have a right to your feelings and opinions too. she may not have INTENDED to hurt your feelings (although it's hard to give her that much benefit of the doubt), but she DID, and she needs to be responsible for that. I would ask for an apology. Not that she has to change her opinion, but that she ruined your thanksgiving and embarrassed you. There are only more holidays coming, and it would be a shame if you were more comfortable alone at home than with people who made you feel bad about yourself and then blamed you for being too sensitve. Don't worry, someday your daughter will thank you for all you do for her. Keep your chin up--you are a great mom!

To be very blunt...screw your mother-in-law and everyone else who is clearly ignorant about the great benefits of breastfeeding. Let it all go in one ear and out the other. You are an awesome mom. Continue to do what is right for YOUR family! Congrats on succcessful breastfeeding.

I agree with everyone who posted support. I too am a BF mother of an almost 7 month old and I do it anywhere without a blanket over her head (which is ineffective anyway, since my baby just reaches up and flings it off).

When people pressure me to go to the toilet/cover up/stop breastfeeding, I have two responses that are most effective. They are:

1)Would you eat YOUR meal in a toilet or with a blanket over your head? Well, neither should my baby.

and

2) Hey, I am not the one who sexualized breasts. This is what is normal, natural, and best for my baby. You don't really have to look at me while I am doing it. (You really need a big smile on your face while you say this one)

If you really wanted to, you could bring up the fact that BF reduces illness, obesity, etc--this is especially useful if the person criticizing you is overweight or obese.
Otherwise, you should tell your husband to take his mother aside and tell her to cut out the hurtful comments.

Frankly, I just do not understand why BF makes people uncomfortable--it's not like you would be so rude as to talk to your MIL about what she (or anyone else for that matter) is putting in her mouth. Please try to smile anyway and keep on keeping on.

You don't need to defend yourself to anybody. It is your own business. Personally, I wouldn't have wasted my breath. She was trying to start something. Next time you are supposed to see her, I would politely decline and explain that you wouldn't want her to be offended if you had to nurse the baby. "Who know when we will be able to see you again? I guess we will just have to wait until the baby is weaned? She should be by college."

It is so wrong to be judgemental--especially to a new mother! We take EVERYTHING very hard. If it wasn't about breastfeeding, it would have certainly been about something else (your baby's temperment, his sleep patterns, the way you hold him, etc.).

I wanted to add that I got the same attitude with my family, but it was the complete opposite. I shared with my family my personal reasons to stop breastfeeding. My mother-in-law yelled at me in front of everyone about why it was a horrible decision. After that point, i would continually get harrassed about it from her. My baby spit up alot, so my MIL would say, "it's got to be the formula...". Even though, my daughter spit up with breast milk too!

It sucks to not be supported--in whatever it is. As long as you are comfortable, and your husband is on board, that's all that really matters. Next time, I think your husband NEEDS to rise up and speak for BOTH of you.

Hi Hon,
Your mother-in-law is trying to start a fight with you. You can tell her all about the wonders of breastfeeding and she won't hear it. She just wants to hear herself talk. People like that drive me crazy. I'm the only person in my family (either side) to breastfeed so I know what you're going through. Next time, get up and excuse yourself from the table or if she goes on and on about people who nurse for longer than a year you can use my stock response, "I'm sure she'll stop when she goes away to college."

You are right. She is wrong.

Dear DaVinci,

I am sorry that you had to go thru this at a Holiday gathering. Does your MIL have no taste. Personaly I think it is no ones bussiness if you breast feed or not. I breast feed both of my children. I was unfortinatlly I only breast feed until they were three months old. I would have BF for longer if I would have had time at work. My job wasn't that understanding about me going and pumping. As for the family. I come from my sisters who are ten years older BF. My ex's family doesn't believe in BF. I was lucky my ex wanted my to and actually stood up to his family.

My oldest sister still nurses her son who is going to be 5. My ex-sister-in-law still nurses my nephew who is 2. It doesn't bother me, except when we are at the table eating and my nephew decideds he wants to nurse and my sister will lift up her shirt and start nursing. But what really gets to me is that he won't nurse but will throw a fit when she wants to put her shirt down. So lately she will just sit there with her nipple hanging out and he isn't even nursing.

I do believe in nursing. But I also believe some people aren't comfortable with it. But that doesn't give them the right do pass judgement onto you or any other breast feeding mom. Good Luck with the next family gathering.
B.