Money Issues

neither my husband nor i "control" the money, none of it is "his" or "mine". he is the only one working and drawing an income(been that way for 8 years now), but the money is direct deposited into our joint checking account, i pay all the bills, do all the budgeting, all the shopping, etc. you guys need to get on the same page with your SHARED money, build a budget together, and decide what's going to spent on what. if he won't let you into the financial picture, you have bigger problems than just money - good luck!

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Have you thought about working from home? I am currently working full-time, but just started with another company part-time to bring in extra money. Right now, it’s helping us save money on some of our monthly purchases and bring in some extra income. And some day I will probably be able to work from home exclusively. That is what this company does. It helps moms work from home to have more time with their families. Send me a private message if you want more information.

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First know that I really tried NOT to respond because you got some really good advice. So I will not advice, I will share my story. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. The past 14 years, I have been a SAHM. My husband and I have 2 joint accounts. We had a business checking account for him a few years ago just for his business expenses and that was HIS allowance and for work. I handled the rest. I do all of the payments and I do let him know what is going on. I hated to tell him if I made an accounting error but I did and he said that it would be fine. He was laid off 2 1/2 years ago and we had no money for that time. We both knew what our finances were all along the way and when our money was out, it was not a shock. We buy things together and with the joint approval of the other. I am allowed to get things for the kids if I think that we can afford it or if they really need it. It comes down to needs and wants too. My husband and I know the difference and we are working on instilling that into our children. The money does not belong to either of you, by the way, it is a gift from GOD to be shared to raise your children and give you all the basics, food, shelter and clothing. I hope that my story helps you to talk to your husband.

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An inability to talk about money (or any other form of power-sharing in a marriage) is not healthy to the long-term success of the union. Although it's a traditional approach in many marriages, to think in terms of having to ask for an allowance doesn't treat your place in the family with respect, or see you as a unique person with personal needs. You both work to support the family, but your current situation requires you to forgo a paycheck. You are an important, contributing partner whether you work outside the home or not, and have as much right to available funds for personal use as your husband does.

This is not a suggestion that you should use money frivolously, of course. But to not even be able to attend supportive or social events because your hubby controls all the funds is quite possibly emotionally abusive.

I don't want to jump to conclusions because you have said very little. But if there are any other symptoms of emotional manipulation, like threats, belittling or insulting language, or withdrawal of affection when you have disagreements, then this problem is only the tip of a much larger one. If that's the case, I hope you'll consider counseling.

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You and your husband set up what is and what is not acceptable in your relationship. So, it may be out of order for me to “tell” you what you should do because whatever works for your relationship, works for your relationship. Obviously it is not working anymore so I will tell you what my husband and I do. First, all of the money is “our” money. So, I never have to ask him for anything. We have several accounts, but three primary ones. The “house” account is where both of our paychecks go (or his when I am not working). Then we have two personal accounts (we have access to both, but one is “mine” and the other is “his”). X amount of dollars goes into each of our personal accounts each month. We can do whatever we want with the money in the personal account – no questions asked. The house account pays for all household bills and our personal account is used if we cannot agree that an item should be purchased using the house account (for example, my husband has to buy every new gadget as soon as it comes out). Honestly, I set up the personal account idea when we first got married because I felt my husband spent too much money and I was in law school and did not want us to be broke. We rarely use anymore, but it worked when I had a problem with him spending too much. Bottomline, you and you husband should talk and you should explain to him that the arrangement you have is no longer working for you and you should not have to ask for money. Allow him to offer some suggestions and go from there.

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I'm sorry but does he live in the 1950s??? Why have you given him the control over your finances 100%? I get that they are a pain, but you need to be in that 50/50. What if, God forbid, something happened to him? You need to understand exactly what your financial situation is, what your goals are and have COMPLETE access to it.

I'd sit him down and talk about that...go over your budget together and when you do that make sure something is budgeted in there for you to do things on the side. You're a grown woman, you shouldn't have to ask for an allowance---that's for children. Speak up!!!

Good luck.
-M

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All men tend to be perpetually worried about money. They also fear that if they give their wives any real control over the money, they won't have enough left for food or housing because she will have spent it all on designer shoes or something else that he finds silly. No matter how intelligent, successful and happy men are, money tends to freak them out. Most men also feel that part of being a man, and a good husband and father, means being in control of everything, including the money.

Why did the two of you stop your previous arrangement of $50 a week? Did something happen to the income, was there an argument, was it a "let's skip this week" arrangement that became permanent? Figuring that out will give you a good idea of what he's thinking.

Sit down with him, when everyone's calm and happy, and explain how much it bothers you to have to ask for every cent. Explain that you can't feel like a wife and partner if you're treated like one of the children. Then decide together on a budget that includes spending money for you, money you don't have to ask or account for. It will worry and upset him at first, probably, because he'll hate giving up control, but when he sees that you aren't spending it wildly, he'll relax some. Hang in there! :)

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I am a SAHM, and I handle all of our finances. I tell my husband that that is part of my job as "manager" of the family. He works all week, so I pay our bills, budget for groceries, etc. This means that I know where all of our money is going, so I know how much I/we have to spend on more frivolous things. I haven't had any issues, so my husband completely trusts me and my financial decisions.

Although your husband is the one "working" (outside of the home that is), maybe you could explain to him just what you explained to us. You are in a marriage, and it shouldn't feel like you are a child asking for an allowance. Explain that while you do not work outside of the home, you feel that you should be paid for the work that you do in the house. I also suggest that you tell him that you would like to be more active in your own finances. If you are a part of the checking account, why are you not allowed to use the debit card? If you haven't given your husband a reason to not trust you with money, there should be no problem!

You are right, right now he has complete control over you...work on making your marriage a true marriage by having him give some of that control back over to you! Good luck!

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Well in our house there is no "my" money, it is "our" money. We now believe that when you are married, whether you live in a 2 income household or 1 income household, the money is being made to support your family. There is no name put on it. I'm the one who does all of the bill paying and we both have access to our bank account so there is never me asking him for money or vice versa. You and your husband definatly need to have a talk about these issues and you need to let him know how you feel. He will only know if you tell him. Or you can do what I did to my husband when we first had our daughter and I became a SAHM. In order for me to let him see how it felt to ask him for money... I widthdrew money from the bank right before we went to the store and when it was time to pay i let him go in front and when the cashier directed the total towards him he had to turn around and ask me for money. On the drive home he told me that, that was embarrassing to have to turn and ask me for money and I told him that now he knows how i feel when i have to ask him for money...After that we never had an issue again! =)

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California law states that 50% of what your spouse makes, is your income. You DO work! You support the family and if you were to disappear tomorrow, it would cost him a fortune to replace you. Obviously, bills and household necessities need to come before 'play' but money for you should be included in the budget. I personally don't understand the concept of 'his money' and then he gives you an allowance. You're not a child. In my family, we have one account, my husband works outside the home, I handle the finances and we agree on what's acceptable to spend after the main things are tended to. In addition, if working outside the home isn't an option due to childcare etc. but you do have some free time on your hands, think about researching ways you could make money at home. I work in my free time as a Guide/Specialist for ChaCha.com. There is also KGB.com. It's not for everyone, but the time I put into it is free money for me. Good luck to you!

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My answer would be that you BOTH need to be involved with the household budget. Buy a book by Dave Ramsey (The Total Money Makeover is a GREAT choice) and read it together. Build your budget together so that you are both on the same page. You can then see where the money is going and you can both set up the priorities for how the money coming in should be spent. If you can, you should attend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University together. A lot of churches offer it and, while it does cost some money, there are sometimes scholarships available to help with the cost if you can't afford it. It really will change your whole perspective on money and what to do and not to do with it. It will also help you both to get on the same page without the arguments. You will both have a voice.

I am a SAHM and we have just paid off our second mortgage (now own 20% of our home), we own 2 cars (just paid cash for a used minivan in December) and only owe money on my student loan and our home....we have no credit card debt. We will be debt free, except for our house in no time at all! It is such a great way to live and I highly recommend Dave Ramsey to help you figure out how you and your hubby can do this too. It really takes all of the stress out of financial situations! Good luck!

Wait, you have NOTHING to do with the money? Don't know what bills there are, nothing? (I gather this because you don't seem to know how much you 2 have or not.) This is not good. Who will pay the bills if something were to happen to him like too much overtime (my husband is working 90-120 hours a week... sure he is better at handling the money but I am stuck doing it for now!)! M. I suggest The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. It completely changed our marriage and actually made me a much happier woman, wife and mother and my husband a much happier man, father and husband.

You really need to know about all the money and have 100% access as you 2 are a team (kids learn teamwork from watching their parents 1st and the 1st team any child is a part of is a family).

Also, I do make some money of my own. 30 dollars a month from blogging (I put ads on my blog and then blog daily about knitting/yarn, which is a passion of mine...)

Hi T.,

Have you thought about doing something that you can do from home? I am an Avon rep and am able to incorporate it into my daily activities and bring the kids with me! Especially if you are around other moms and women in your daily life, it's a perfect fit! You can email me directly if you'd like more info or go to www.start.youravon.com and use autumnlugo in the reference box if you'd like to join online.

A.

You need to sit down and have frank, I mean a really frank discussion with him. You need to know more about the finances and see where things can be cut back or whatever the stressors might be. Also let him know you feel more like a child asking a parent for money, not a spouse. You are in the together and staying home raising your daughter shouldn't be so hard. Also pick and choose the events you want to attend, it doesn't have to be every one. There are free things to do out there too. You don't want to be resentful, nip it in the bud now!

FAMILY BUDGET. Both of you need to sit down discuss all income and discuss all expenditures. Set priorities and set goals. Then, part of sticking to a budget is discussing with each other how all money was spent. It isn't a matter of one "controlling" the other, but both knowing where your money is going. Also, if expenditures are in the budget, they don't need to be "justified" but do need to be "tracked" . Any spending outside the budget needs to be mutually discussed and approved. It sounds like he is feeling very pressured about being able to make ends meet, and you are frustrated with not having any discresionary money; if both of you have input to the process it should help both.

Have you tried getting more involved in the finances? I'm not sure how it happened in our house, but I am the money person. A really long time ago, we split up paying the bills, but now I am in charge of "balancing the checkbook" and paying all of the bills. My husband has no idea how much money we have, where it is, what our passwords are or anything. In this position, I censor myself. Now I know that if I buy "XYZ" then we will have a hard time paying our mortgage bill or making that deposit into the college fund. I have no resentment or anything, because I myself am making the educated decision that we can't go on vacation this year, or whatever. If you knew more, you'd feel less resentful.

Maybe you and hubby can work together with a financial adviser and talk about your short term and long term plans. You can create a budget and a long term financial plan, and if you haven't done it yet, create a college fund for your daughter, get life insurance, etc. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff that we lose sight of our goals. My husband and I sit down at least once a year and review our finances, discuss big moves (selling the house, planning for another child, buying a new vehicle, etc) and how we will deal with it. We look at where we want to be in 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 and 10 years out. Now that we've done it for over 10 years, it is pretty interesting to see how far we've come.

Good luck. I think once you take on a ownership role (assuming your DH is open to that possibility) your attitude will change and you will feel less like a prisoner and more like a partner. See if you can find a way to work together to build on your goals.

Well, you are not a child who gets an allowance and legally speaking, it is also your money. Sounds like if it isn't worked out as two adults raising a family, divorce court will some day solve the issue and give you half.

You need to talk to your husband. If there is truly no room for you to have extra spending money, then you can find something on the side to do. I have friends selling jewelry, make up.....there are a lot of different ways out there to make some extra money w/ out getting a full time job. Good Luck:)

I would suggest either visiting with a financial advisor or a marriage counselor. Maybe both.

Most money managers will tell you that to avoid most money arguments within a marriage, the key is to have a minimum of three bank accounts, but 5 preferably. 1 for him, 1 for you, 1 for family. the other two would be savings for each of you. Logically, the income he brings home and has to spend is because you stay at home with the kids. If you weren't in the picture, then he would not have as much to spend as he would be paying for childcare. So all income is divided between you. Then you both go through the bills & determine your half which is transferred into the family account as well as his half is transferred & then the bill is paid from the family account. Now things that you each buy that is for you, such as gym memberships, magazine subscriptions etc... you pay for from your account. As for the kid expenses, like moms groups etc... well you decide to spend "your" $ or talk with him & agree to halved the expense, to which you provide him a receipt & he then transfers half the amount from his account to yours. You just have to negotiate who pays for what & done. Then of course you handle your account & if you choose to save for something such as your retirement, or etc... then you can. No parent or spouse should ever be without access to funds or be aware of the families expenses. i say you shouldn't marry if you don't trust someone, but with the divorce rate the way it is it just isn't logical to say that you really know what another person is capable when they are no longer in love, so protect yourself & your daughter. I happen to do the books for our two businesses & stay home with kids. My hubby chooses not to be involved with the finances, but he has the means to withdraw money from our accounts & I always have a ledger available where he can see at any given time how much we have. We have an agreement that nobody makes a purchase over $200 without discussing with the other in advance. This is what works for us. Hope this helps you. If you can't afford the bank accounts & the minimums, then use just do the same with cash. Have him cash check, then split it, then deposit your half of the bills into the checking account & he can do the same. Seems a bit silly, but there is that reminder that you are both a team and only together are you guys getting the job done. :D

Have you tried talking to your husband about how this makes you feel?

You can also look into doing things online at home to earn spending money for yourself. If you check out my website www.makemoneyonline.tonoftips.net I list a few ways to earn extra cash. I'm a SAHM also and I use those things to earn extra money.

If it is a mutual decision between you and your husband that he will earn the money and you will be a stay-at-home parent, than you should having equal decision making when it comes to the money. Do you take active responsibility when it comes to paying the bills and managing the money along with your husband? If not, maybe you should start by doing this so you can see just how much money there really is for expenses and how much left over for "spending money." Try to determine if your husband really is being overly controlling over the family money, or if he is just being careful because he is the sole breadwinner and sometimes there just isn't enough money. Being a stay-at-home parent is wonderful if you can afford it, but you need to really need to consider if this is the best option for your family and your marriage. You say that daycare is not an option, but have you looked beyond the expensive daycare centers? I'm sure you could find a nice home daycare, and get a part-time job a couple of days a week.
I was also in this situation when my daughter was 3. As much as I loved being a stay-at-home mommy, I couldn't handle having no control over money decisions (among other decisions). For instance, being told there was no money to go out to dinner (until his friends called and then suddenly there was enough money). It didn't work out for me. I have a cousin who has no problem with her husband making all the decisions because it is worth it to her to stay home. I have another (stay-at-home) friend who used to hide all her purchases (cosmetics, clothes) from her husband. Seventeen years into their marriage now, it's no longer an issue. I suppose it all boils down to figuring out what is the most important to you personally, to your husband personally and to both of you as a family.
You also mentioned that you don't get to attend the mommys group because money is an issue. There are plenty of mommys groups that do free activities, such as meeting at parks and local schools. You could check with your local community college or recreation centers to find a group.

Maybe think about running a daycare out of your home you could watch just two or three kids and make money for you to have as your money. That's what I do now I'm also a sahm but me and my husband are doing the dave ramsey plan so we don't have any extra money to just spend right now.

Im a SAHM as wll...we have EXACTLY the same situation. My husband does our finances as well coz he's better with it, but it doesnt mean i can't do it. At least he gives you an allowance... now that I've come to think about it...because I don't get any. Your situation is better than I am, actually. Oh I get some help from my sister and my mom, but they don't make enough eihter to support themselves. I just try not to go out and spend. I eat at home if im by myself. I haven't gone any major shopping for the past two years! I lowered my standards.:) I figure someday my kids will repay me for the sacrifices ive made...then maybe they will buy me the things ive put off in the past.:)

I have one of those. I fortunately do have access to our bank accounts and credit cards. Though he still expects me to check with him first before spending. Most of the time he says no without even careful consideration because he doesn't want to be bothered.

I eventually started just spending small amounts as needed. I'd prepare myself for the anticipated battle, and would carefully pick which activities were worth battling over. Interestingly, he'd always find a way to still pay the bills when I'd do this. And after a while, he'd be hard pressed to accuse me of wasteful spending, because he's know that the money was well spent and necessary. He would often admit that I was right, and that he was glad I did it. While that may be just my husband...I think he's pretty typical. Men don't get it. They sometimes need "help".

He needs to understand that education and outside activities are necessary for your child's development and your sanity. It is as important as any electric bill, doctor bill, or car payment. He needs to learn how to budget for these things if he wants to be a responsible parent, a good parent, and one who isn't guilty of 'neglect'. This also applies to you. In order to maintain health (physically and mentally) you should be allowed to have some money within reason.

My husband had a real hard time with budgeting for makeup and routine physical maintenance. I reminded him that he won't be all that excited to be around me if I started looking like a cavewoman with unshaved legs and wild hair.

Be fair, and don't over extend if you are in a position to do what I did. When he comes to you upset, be prepared with the arguments I pose. Remind him of all that he is saving by not having to pay for daycare, etc. You know your needs, don't be afraid to point them out and force him to be responsible to you and your child by budgeting accordingly. You are right, he probably is spending way too much on himself...and selfishly so. Make him itemize the budget and "help" him to find the money to provide for these important things within reason.

He might fuss and fight, but encourage regular discussion and tell him you want to work together as a team in deciding what's important to you both when it comes to spending money. Men can get tunnel vision if they don't understand the long-term benefits of activities such as you mention.

You should sit down with your husband and go over the funds coming in and the bills to be paid. Does he maybe think you aren't interested in it and that's why he handles it all? Get into an agreement about the amount to go to bills, savings, other funds, spending cash, etc. Perhaps you should do the bills together a few times so you are more in the loop.

I do the bills mostly but both of us know how much we're bringing in, how much and how often funds are auto transferred to savings, what each bill is going to be (give or take a few dollars), time of month they're due and time of the month when we’re a little tight on funds compared to other times.

Also, in our house we each have a set amount that we can spend freely through the month on things for ourselves and we discuss any larger purchases over a certain dollar amount. Granted, we both are working so I don't have any input as far as only 1 person bringing in an income but regardless of how many incomes there are I think you should always share in the finances (billing, spending, saving, etc.)

If you post a question on Yahoo... and ask this same question... you will get a LOT of answers.... from Men/Hubands/women/Mom's and SAHM's.
This is what my Husband did... to find out what other Husbands of SAHM's were doing, and how much money, if any, they were giving to their Wife/SAHM.... and if he should be giving the SAHM any money... and if she should have to "ask" for it... or not. And... this way, my Husband got opinions from other MEN... not just "Moms"... Men... so it then put him in his place, so to speak.

So once my Husband did that... he realized he was being selfish and not thinking of me... the one without money but raising our kids and taking care of the home and EVERYTHING else.

Or, he can get a 2nd job.
Or you can get a night job... leaving him at home at night, with the kids by himself.
Or, he can pay daycare... if you get a job or if he makes you get a job.
Or, he can pay you the going "rate" for all the "jobs" you do at home and for "babysitting" the kids.
Add it all up for him... the going rates for everything you are doing... and what "he" should be "paying" you for.

All the best,
Susan

I can only tell you my experience, and what works. i haven't worked for 9 yrs. But, I have an ATM card, and a few credit cards. I spend money for groceries, target etc. I am not a big shopper, and have never had an "allowance'. If my husband even suggested that, I think he knows better... But, there is also an understanding that we are grown ups and responsible, and I am not going to book a vacation to Hawaii w/o discussing it. Some months are tight, and he'll give me a heads up to not make any big purchases. I wonder how do you pay for groceries?

ThAT is not acceptable. Do you have any idea of how much he earns, family finances etc? If not you need to tak a closer look at him and your marriage KNOW that this a control freak who is insensitive to your needs and emotions. It is a symptom of something bigger. You are not a paid nanny, for Godsake, you are the WIFE and you are the center of the family, not him. So go, get on his neck and make him discuss finances with you. He cannot disrespect you like this. The decisions in saving money have to be joint, not like a paymaster and employee.

Times are tough out there and any extra money should be accounted for. Try to make do with what you have and live simply and graciously with what you have. We are all doing without these days, just trying to hand on until times get better. Learn to need less--you'll be alot happier.

I think the first thing you need to do is to sit down with him to go over all the expenditures. Then, you will actually know what the financial situation is. How much money your household actually left for the extra spending. After this, then, you two can sit down to see if you should have an ATM card/credit card which you can spend on certain things, but, mainly there is still from same pool of money. But, you can feel having some control over the money issue.

In your situation, your frusturation seems like you don't exactly know how much money left every month. And, just worry that your husband being controlling etc.

Talk to him about this issue openly. You will see the true picture. Hope it helps.

Okay - First thing, didn't read everyone elses response so may be redundancy. Sorry about that.
Second, being at home w/ little one does not mean you can't "have a job" for additional money. And your mommy friends/ moms club is a better resource than you know! I know of several part-timers in our moms club who need occasional babysitting. And seriously, it's just like having a playgroup at your house so you get paid to let YOUR kid have a good morning. Dunno... but it sounds like a win-win all the way around to me! Further, there are plenty of other things that you might be willing to do that others would happily pay you to do. My step-sister used to hate ironing and she paid somebody to do that for her. (me? I just let 'em go wrinkled but that's b/c I'm a horrible mom...) Other options: meal prep, laundry, errands, pet sitting/walking, picking kids up from/dropping off for school. I'm sure you could come up with a list that is much better. I'm limited by what I think I could do and I'm just not the best domestic goddess on the block...
So start thinking about stuff that YOU can do. You can put free ads online or within your moms group and you'll probably get some takers.
This totally ignores the issue about control w/ your hubby. However, to be honest, if you have allowed him to take control of some element of your life with which you are not comfortable, you have two options. 1. Confront him and (try to) get it back by negotiation, reason, or (considerably less chance for success with this one) Force. (Tricky.) 2. Get it back another way using your own ingenuity and drive. (maybe easier?) I've learned that you can nearly NEVER change another person but you have TONS of control over YOURSELF.
Hope this helps. Best of luck.

I did home daycare for a couple years before I started a new career. There is a major need & you could even find someone who has part time needs.

Ok, I've never been in your position. However, I beleive there is no "his" money, "her" money in a marraige. It's all joint money. You put it in the bank, make sure the bills are paid, and decide how to spend the rest. You develop a budget together.

Make a list of your monthly needs, gas for car, mommy and me group, lunch with a friend, etc. Then discuss with hubby how much you need per week. Do not allow him to control you.

Good luck.

My husband and I are doing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and we learned that when doing your budget to figure in "Blow Money". This is usually the last thing to budget in, but it has worked great for us. Some months neither of us get any, but then the next we will get some. The best thing about the "blow" money is that you can do whatever you want with it, no questions asked. It is not right that he gets blow money, but you don't. I do not work either, but my husband understands that I need some money to do stuff with kids while he is working. Once my blow money is gone then that is it for the month. It really helps to know that because I choose what is important to spend my blow money on. I really hope this will help you out!
Good Luck!!!

I read so many of your great responses and had a couple of thoughts to add. I ran a daycare from my home for 13 years. Pros and Cons. It's good money, I had some to spend for things I felt were important, I was home with my kids but it made my daytime activities more difficult. I stayed home because I wanted to be with my kids and do things with them. Extra kids made some of those things difficult.

I made a switch to Pampered Chef. I work a few hours a month, do a show or two on a Friday night or a Saturday morning and make a great commission. I've got spending money without feeling guilty about taking money from the household budget. I make as much or as little as I want and it's a product that sells its self. I won't give you the "pitch" here on this forum, if you want more info, I'm an open book and would be happy to answer any questions you have.

Good luck!
G.

Well, I guess in my opinion, $50 a week is a LOT of money! I don't know what I'd spend it on if I had it! When I need to buy something (usually for the kids or house, rarely for myself) I do. My husband doesn't question it. We don't believe in HIS money and HER money. It is our money. But it does take a lot of responsibility to not just go out and spend foolishly. There are lots of things I would like to go buy but I know that it won't make me happy! Being home with my family makes me happy! Spending time together makes me happy! Stuff will never make me happy. HOWEVER, my husband and I are both on the same page about this. He NEVER goes out and spends money on himself either!

Are there any FREE moms' groups? Check with local churches. My church has a free moms group that meets once a month and everything about it is FREE! The childcare, food, entertainment, activities, prizes, etc. It's great.

Or could you just get together for playdates with another stay at home mom? Go to parks together. Picnics. Beaches. Library. Etc. There are lots of things that you could do that wouldn't cost money!

Well, I'm the one that takes care of bills so I always know how much money we have (right now, it's not much!!). One thing tho, my husband has always told me his money is my money, since I work at home with the kids, I do have a job and I should be entitled to the money as well. He never made me feel like I needed to ask, we always had an understanding, it happened naturally tho. Of course we talk about big spending and stuff but he talks to me whenever he's about to spend lots of money, it's just common courtesy, it should for you too.

You should sit down with you husband and talk about how it makes you feel and how you would like things to work from now on. Be specific, clear about your needs, sometimes, they just don't get it!

Hi T.,

I think you are right to question this type of controlling behavior. You are PARTNERS in marriage (equal parts to a whole)... finances and everything else in the relationship should be shared.

You each have special skills to bring to the table... what if you have a great idea as to how to save money or make it stretch so you can have more of what you need. If you aren't aware of your financial situation, how can you give any input at all?

Likewise, what if something happens to your husband (God forbid). If you don't even know the status of your finances, you would be in a horrible situation trying to deal with a loss like that. How would you access your finances if everything is in your husband's name - how long would it take you to transfer everything into your name and get a handle on what needs to be done, the status of your existing debt and credit, etc. How can you expect to deal with taking over all your family finances for the first time while putting all the pieces of your life back together again.

Ask your husband, if he feels comfortable with the situation the way it is and what he envisions would happen if he were to be taken from your family without notice. What measures has he put into place to protect you from financial ruin if he were not around to "manage" the family finances? Wouldn't he feel more secure if his "partner" was included NOW rather than wait until something tragic happens before you get the opportunity to learn about your finances and have a hand in managing the details.

A good leader seeks to replicate themselves and teach others the skills necessary to become leaders... A good leader is always teaching AND learning and is open to the input of their team... A true leader knows they are only a leader if others are following - a leader without followers is no leader at all, just a disillusioned soul on a long and lonely walk. Let your husband know that you ARE on the same TEAM and that YOU WANT YOUR TEAM to succeed. What will it take for him to open up to you and allow your equal input, so you can reach your goals together.

Perhaps you can sit down with him and write your shared goals down. Envision and dream together... remind each other daily that you are working together to achieve your goals (make smaller attainable goals as well as larger long-term goals). This type of shared dreaming might open up the door to more inclusion in different areas of your relationship.

On another note, you CAN make money while you are a SAHM (I'm doing it and I know many other Moms doing the same). If you want to know more about what I'm doing to bring balance to my life as a SAHM/WFH Mom, send me a message or email me at ____@____.com. I'm always happy to help!!

Best wishes,

-P.

I am a 25 year old single mother with a 3 and half old boy. Another baby boy on the way due any day now. I have never worked...I went through this with my boyfriend when we lived together when our son was a baby. My expierence is that its very hard with just one income coming in. Sounds like your husband may be worried about finances. Or something else really may be going on such as he may be going out to lunch everyday and that adds up...I was demanding with my sons dad...He was pretty generous at that time. Now I am on welfare because He refuses to pay child support to me directly on our own terms....Also this baby may be his...long story....Also...

I grew up in this situation with my mom and dad. My mom was ALWAYS a stay at home mom and my dad has always had control over the money with her. To this day he is the same way. Its ridiculous he never gives her spending money for herself...or even if she wants to go out to lunch or something. It has always bothered me my dad makes excellent money and its pisses me off....Good luck.

I will answer from the opposite side, as the person who makes most of the money in the relationship. My husband and I both work, but he makes barely anything (I could actually support us just fine, but he loves his job, and it's only PT, so he keeps it). We share money goals, saving for big things like retirements and vacations, so he doesn't mind having an allowance (fun money as we call it). Of course, I hound him about every dollar he spends (even though technically he has his money to spend however he wants), but then I just spend whatever I want on my hobby (triathlons, which are freaking expensive). Such a double standard, but I am working on it. He might not even realize he's doing that, you have to show him with a really good example, like you wanted $5 to do this and couldn't have it, but then he went out and spent $50 on this other thing. Anyway, the fun money only applies to our personal stuff, anything for our son is under miscellaneous expenses, and we think about if it is worth it before doing something.

I think you and your husband need to have a conversation about money and goals, set up a budget (that accounts for some money for you do things with your daughter), and BOTH stick to it. If there really isn't any money for stuff like that, you will see that and can maybe cut back somewhere else, and he will realize he can't spend money however he pleases. If there is more extra money, you guys can figure out how much you can each spend on things for yourself and daughter. You have to be in this together, no matter who makes the money.

You mean you don't have an ATM card, either? You can't go to the bank and check out $20, $40? That just doesn't sound right. You need to insist on knowing what is going on with your family's finances. It's not fair that you are left in the dark. Good luck.

Whoa! That wouldn't fly with me! I now work PT so my income is a lot less than it once was but I still have some of "my" money. Never, never has my husband denied me money for anything. He knows I don't "blow" money and if I need money, it's for a good reason.
I agree with the PP, sit down together and do a budget. That way the money you need for certain things will already be accounted for.
Better yet--look for a PT job when he IS home so you have some dinero of your own!

We solved this problem with a seperate checking account just for me. I take care of groceries, kids clothes, birthdays, medical visits etc. We decided how much that comes to every month and that amount of money is direct deposited from my husbands paycheck into my account. Now if I want something special I just scrimp on groceries, shop sales, and get deals. I use the extra to buy the things I like and need for me and I don't have to justify it or ask permission. I have been a SAHM for over 10 years and it has worked for us! Hope this helps:)

Hi T.,
18 years ago, when my daughter was born, I was in the same situation. I moved to Montreal, where her father was from, and had a new baby and no money. Since I always made salsa for potlucks and people always craved and raved about it (no fresh salsa in the markets there) I started a little cottage industry and sold salsa in a local market. The money wasn't much, but I didn't need much either, just to keep me from asking him too often for little things for myself. Suffice it is to say, we divorced when my daughter was 4 and he has never been able to make enough to put himself in a completely solvent position. I've always had to rely on my own ingenuity and confidence which has served me well.
Good luck,
Wendy

Do you have a debit card for your accounts? Or is he the only one on these accounts? I think there is something wrong if you don't have an ATM or Debit card to access your accounts. What about a credit card? What if there is an emergency?

Hey, Start your own daycare from home, When my husband retired from the Navy i started a daycare, been doing it for 13 years, i't feels good to make money, and not ask to ask or receive an allowance like a child. My husband had a 600.00 a month allotment for me,but when he retired I lost it. now i'm back to having money when I need it. I also know women who are making money with Avon cookie Lee Jewlry, there's so many things you can do from home.J. L.

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Hey, Start your own daycare from home, When my husband retired from the Navy i started a daycare, been doing it for 13 years, i't feels good to make money, and not ask to ask or receive an allowance like a child. My husband had a 600.00 a month allotment for me,but when he retired I lost it. now i'm back to having money when I need it. I also know women who are making money with Avon cookie Lee Jewlry, there's so many things you can do from home.J. L.

My hubby was same way. I got tired of the third degree for the money so I started babysitting for neighbors before and after school. It work out fine
my neighbors told their friends before i know it i had eight Kids. The only draw back about babysitting is your time is limited and some times the parents are late in picking the kids up. Maybe it will work for you.

Thanks for posting this. Im kind of in the same situation. I quit working as a teacher this year in order to be a stay at home mom. My husband shares a lot of qualities as yours. When I get the time Im going to read through all of these answers. I just wanted to say Thanks.

Several have recommended Dave Ramsey - I haven't done his program, but I've heard him speak, and he's great.

It is very important that you make time together to sit down and have a serious discussion about this issue. You are married, so you are a team. In this discussion, allow him plenty of time to share his thoughts/feelings about money...it could be that he is stressed about issues that you are unaware of. Then, share your thoughts, and try to keep it really "logical" and not too emotional so that you don't lose him.

Are you on the checking account? You should be. You need to have access to cash and credit cards, if for no other reason than in case of an emergency.

My opinion is to keep everything honest and open, even though I know it's tempting to try to "sneak" money (which you shouldn't have to do!)...the important thing here is that you guys take this opportunity to work as a team. Money issues are the #1 reason marriages don't make it...and divorce won't make the money issues disappear.

Take care,
R.