Momma Seeking Advice for 3 1/2 Year Old's Behavior

First of all, behaviors which are ignored usually go away fairly rapidly. If a child gets no response from others, unless something else is motivating him (like hunger, tirednes, etc.) he will stop trying to get a reaction from you. Even a statement from you "that we don't use these words" is a reaction. Children like powerful words. If you never use these words and you don't infuse them with power by making them forbidden, they will lose their magic. He may still try them out with others, but you can't control their responses. Most people understand that children go through the "potty-mouth" stage. As far as his other responses like, "I don't care", he may be trying to tell you something or it may just fall into the potty mouth category. You didn't say what you have told him to elicit that response. If it seems random, you might keep a log for one day of when he says negative things, and what you said or did before and after that. He is still very young, and learning about the control that he can exert with his choice of words. Good luck, and don't be too worried about this "stage". It will pass ! ...D.

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Hi S H,

Does he go to preschool or daycare? If so, he's simply repeating things he's heard from his peers. It definitely isn't a reflection of you. As I recall (mom of 9 and 6 year old girls here), both of them started to express their opinions at about that "3 stage". Even my 6-year old tells me some things like this now. So, try asking him "why" or "how come?" You may be able to understand his little mind and how it is developing opinions and then you can tell him whether something is a positive or negative thing to say and how it makes you feel. Time-outs and take-aways are ok too to rid this problem as long as you include a positives chart of some kind. As a teacher, some kids learn to seek attention only the negative way. You'll want to reinforce the positive and redirect his thinking, plus help him express his upset or dislike for something. Ultimately, you are the mom/parents. You make the rules and he will learn respect through a balance of techniques. Was this technical or what? Now help me get my cat off my mouse!

T.

1 mom found this helpful

Where is he hearing vocabulary like that? Either school, nieghborhood freinds, TV, or school, or in the home? You need to find the source of where he is hearing people talk like that - then eliminate it. Children are little sponges and parrots. They will reflect what they hear and see around them.

Boys pick up alot of negative talk from playing around other boys, at least that was the case in my situation. My kids are homeschooled, and around the 7-8 age my son started picking up attitudes from the other boys he had a play date with. One particular boy used "stupid" ALOT. I had to try really hard to find DECENT boys for him to play with, and we got rid of bad influences for him.

If he is in preschool,may I suggest you homeschool? If you have cable tv, put a powerbar on the top of the tv so that it can only be turned on by an adult, and severely limit programs that he is exposed to. We don't have any cable at all, so no television, except we subscribe to Netflix- and we can download old TV programs like Leave it to beaver, the Munsters, lost in space and NOVA.

I get a glimpse of cable TV when I take care of my father- I can't believe how salacious and negative it is- even commercials can be!

They do pick it up from playmates and TV as some have said...mine even hear Grandma saying things (swearing occasionally, and using the term "sucks" and things like that). So you can't really keep them from learning this behavior (although you CAN eliminate TV and use dvds--we do!)but you can make sure they know it isn't okay for them to talk like that, and that there will be consequences every time. We had a policy of a long time alone in their rooms for every single disrespectful statement or act. I say "a long time" because you have to figure what is a long time for them according to age. Long enough for them to become bored and lonely. And no coming out to ask how long---set a timer, and they will hear it ring when time is up.
You have gotten some good advice from many parents. I liked the idea from one parent about keeping a journal to figure out what triggers the behavior...not that you should change your behavior (the child needs to change), but it is useful information to know so that you can be prepared.

I have 2 boys my oldest just turned 6 last week and my other boy is turning 4 in Nov. My 6 year old went through the same thing when he turned 4 and now my younger is starting up. I have talked to others and for some reason this is the magical age where they try to break free and really test the boundaries. My 6 year old out grew it by 5 but is was a gradual thing, it came on suddenly and then very gradually dissapated. It was like he was a teenager with the I don't care, I hate this or that or you, I just kept giving time outs and kept reminding him "we don't say things like that" and made him repeat the way he should say things. Forinstance when he would demand something I would say that is not how you talk to me, and then I would say it how I wanted him to say it and then make him say it with the appropriate words and tone(tone and attitude was a big thing). He would have to keep trying until he got it right, I would say not like that like this and I would repeat it and have him repeat it. We usually only have to repeat it a few times, sometimes I would have to mimic how he said it so he could hear the difference. I have now started doing this with my younger one and he is starting to get.
Good luck,
C.

Hi SH~
How about "Excuse me, I KNOW you are not talking to me like that!" or "Excuse me,but I do NOT respond to "stupid" or "I don't care". If he say says " I don't care";let him know that you are NOT you are not his FRIEND, you ARE the parent and you will NOT ACCEPT his behavor.

A little about me:
I have a 15 year old son and every night we say our prayers at 9:30 pm (without fail) ~ and our family is NOT perfect! However, he does know that there are words we will NOT use in our home (and I heard him tell his friends)! Also, all of my son's friends know that I will call their parent's in a second if their son is not being responsible when they are in my care!!! I do NOT kid around.
It's a good thing!!!

Lucy B.

OMG it sounds like we have the same kid..lol No really i am having the same issue. Hang in there with the positive responses. If they know it gets your goat its over for.. Its a phase.

Ignore it. If you make a big deal out of his words, then you are reinforcing negative behavior. I'm guessing you and your husband are responding too much to these phrases, and that's why he keeps using them.

Donna C. below says it perfectly.

All of this sounds like the beginning of back talk. Welcome to the party! He's just trying it out to see the response. Personally, I'm for swift and unpleasant consequenses to behavior I don't want to see again, so I put my girls on time-out for this stuff. They learned pretty quick that back talk = sit in the corner and be silently bored. If it continued they also lost tv for awhile since that is usually the source of this sort of thing. You definitely want to nip this one now 'cuz back talk grows out of hand pretty fast!

Enjoy your adventure!

Kids this age love "bathroom talk" as it is called. I just say, "We don't talk that way here." Praise what you can and ignore what you can and when he says he doesn't care just say, "I love you and I care." If he doesn't listen, put him on time out for 3-4 minutes and tell him he needs to list to you. His job is to listen to you and your job is to take care of him. JMO
F.

Dear S H,

Has he recently started Pre-school or going on play dates?

"I don't care” - “You should care because you could loose XXXX”

If he says it again, then he loses what you told him he would loose.

“It's your fault” – “What is mommy’s/daddy’s fault”? (Get him to verbalize exactly was bothering him, rather then to lash out).

“I don't like you” – “That’s too bad because I love you and I think you love me too”.

Using unacceptable words such as "stupid", "poop" or worse –

Reinforce that these words and certain behaviors are not tolerated in your home and he will be punished. Some actions require immediate time outs and some don’t. Each home has different values, its important that your children know what those values are. They will hear and see things outside the home from other children and adults. That’s when their behaviors start to really change. Setting them straight right from the start will help them be better behaved and considerate people.

Blessings.....

At this age boys begin to produce more testosterone and begin to reduce the amount of estrogen so a biological explanation might play into it. Also if your son is attending daycare or preschool he may be picking up this behavior from other kids. At these young ages they learn primarily from mimicking what they see around them. Itcould also be what he is watching on tv or in videos. He is old enough to start laying down some heavy (age appropriate) consequences like time outs and taking away privaledges, you just have to be sure you follow through with your plan or he will definately notice. Good luck!

Hi S H,

This behavior actually began with my son last year, whe he was 5/6. In his case, though, he is such a sensitive kid, that he was feeling like he was doing everything "WRONG". In order for him to try not to cry about feeling wrong, he would respond with "I don't care", and "No" and things like you're saying. It was hard for me to figure out the best way to handle it without TEARS all of the time, and his feelings of failure. Your boy is 3 1/2, and I believe this behavior comes with the age anyway.

First, I tried giving "a look" then walking away......but he thought I didn't hear him....so he would find me and say it again :O) Testing me, of course...

Then, I tried a really firm voice, which is something I had stopped using because I felt like I was always yelling at my boys. That brought straight tears and would bring on the words, "See, I know I'm such a bad boy".....

So finally, I said in my calmest voice...."Please find different words to talk to me, or else I'll need to remove 3 tickets from your jar...." He tested me at first, because he didn't think I would remove the tickets. But, I seriously walked over to his ticket jar, grabbed 3 tickets, and told him to find nicer words to talk to me or I was taking the tickets. He grabbed me and hugged me, and cried saying he was "sorry"....so now, I just need to remind him to talk nice, or he will lose a reward.

My son is getting ready to turn 7, and it's finally tapering off. He just had a real maturity "growth", so I'm thinking that's why. He suddenly does homework without struggle, is helpful with others and is not as "sensitive" about feeling wrong all of the time...what do ya' know...a grown up kid :O)

Anyway, at almost 4, I'm certain that he's probably just testing you to see your limits.....like all kids do :o)

As far as "stupid" and "shut up" go....those words have not been allowed in my house EVER! Even I (try) not to say them. My 12 yr old just found out that "stupid" is not really a cuss word! HOWEVER, these words are said all of the time by those around them. I had to say, "Some Mommy's let their kids say those words, but I don't. You can really hurt someone's feelings and that's not the kind of boy you are"....I had to explain it quite a bit, and give mild examples of somemone telling him he was stupid....he got what I was saying then.

As far as the "potty mouth"....NORMAL. Just like clockwork those potty words are so funny each and every time! Anyway, I use the term "potty mouth" and ask for none of it. Or remind him by saying, "OK, no more potty mouth".

Yeah, I remember 3 1/2 being a funny boy age. Much more personality comes through. It can be really fun, though :O)

I hope something from my experiences can help guide you with your situation. Have a nice day!

~N. :O)