5 Year Old Attitude and Tantrums

I have 10 yr old and 3 yr old boys and have gone thru the same thing with both of them (and still do at times, especially with the 3 yr old...) and about the only thing that has worked with me is to pick them up, or in the case of the 10 yr old just tell him in a calm voice repeatedly, and take him to his room and tell him that until he can speak to me nicely and listen to what i tell him, i will not listen to him. If he comes out with the same attitude, i repeat that i will not listen to him until he can speak to me in a nice tone of voice/listen to what i say and return him to his room. Sometimes it works right away, other times it is a lengthy process and it takes patience especially at first until he realized that i mean what i say. After doing this consistently over time, it has helped with the attitude. I hope this makes some sense to ya. If ya have more questions, you can email me at ____@____.com.
C.

I have an 8 year old girl, and she has been going through this for a few years now. We not only have spoken to her about being respectful wtih her words, but have also had success with doing a behavior chart. We made a poster (with her help) and charted her daily behavior with stickers. When she goes 3 days with proper behavior we reward her by doing something special with her (like going for a bike ride on a new trail, or a trip to the library to get new books and movies).

My son is 5 and is just like that. One thing we do that works great is we take something away that he loves (like his train set) and then he has to earn it back. I lay out the rules every day. If he was good in the morning he might get a piece of track and a train. If he was naughty in the afternoon he would not get anything back. However if he disrespects me and really gives me trouble then he looses his train or what ever is near and dear to his heart! At one point he had no toys left! I was worried that it was not going to work, but he seems to have grasped the consept. I also limit his tv time. I think any kind of TV makes things worse. My son is more hyperactive and is quick to go into a fit with the more tv he watches. We are actualy thinking of canceling our cable and not having tv at all anymore. I think it would benifit the whole family. Good luck

It is a phase that will come and go - forever. My 6 1/2 year old has occasionally left me wondering why people continue to reproduce. She does not watch Hanna Montana - I think some kids are just hard wired to have more of an attitude. Try to think of it like this: Your child will change the world, it will not change her! I read that quote somewhere a while ago and it helped me to try to put a little more of a positive spin on things. I still get very frustrated sometimes, but remembering those words sometimes helps me to calm down. Another thing that I try to remember is that if I cannot control myself, how can I expect my 6 year old to always control herself. You will get through this - it is normal (at least for some kids.)

I have found that, if you can, completely ignore it. Do not give into her and it is best if you can respond to her with no emotion in your voice or face (even if inside you are so mad or sad!). If you can't completely ignore the tantrum/attitude, be very calm with her (the opposite of how she's acting) and tell her that if she is going to act that way, she needs to do it in another room and that you will not listen to it. She will probably follow you around, but you just keep your back to her and pretend she is not there. It almost sounds mean, but it is the very best way for her to learn. Next, and I feel like I'm going on forever, but the next step is SO important. As SOON as she stops and changes her behavior, praise her like crazy and tell her how much you love her and that it makes you SO happy when she acts this way!! Ignore the bad behavior and then praise the good!!!!

Same problem same source we finally just took her tv away completely and when she mouths off to me she had to stare at the wall for like 10min. she hates that or she got put in timeout. If it was bad enough I got nose to nose with her and raised my voice.

Hi S.,

My daughter is 6 1/2. We have always struggled with this issue with her. She has a very spirited personality. I notice that her bad attitude and sassy mouth are much worse when she is tired or over stimulated. I would make sure that your daughter is getting enough sleep. Sometimes the first few weeks of spring are very difficult as they are outside and using much more energy than they do during the winter months - making them more tired. Also, with my daughter, we realized very early on that if we give in and let her get away with something - even once - it always bites us later.

If she gets sassy or starts mumbling under her breath - I give her a look and tell her that I do not care for her attitude. If she does not change it - then there will be consequences (SP). Like another poster said - they take something near and dear. We usually take away ALL dressup. And depending on how severe - we might keep it for a week. She has to be good all week to get it back. That usually helps. Most of the time, all we have to do is threaten that and she straightens herself out. I try to teach her better ways to ask for things or to respond if she is unhappy. More respectful ways. If she has been really good or extra helpful, we do reward her with little things. Good Luck - just be persistant and hold your ground.

This past year (in which my daughter started kindergarten) has been the most difficult one yet. She became completely resistant and mouthy also. I think it has been getting better though (she is almost 6 now) maybe it is just an age thing where they start wanting more control or something, but I felt like she was totally acting like a teenager for quite a while there. We tried lots of things: We tried talking more, talking less, punishing more, punishing less, taking things away, giving rewards, etc... I think the rewards are what did it. We do special things on the weekend if she has been having a good week, or order chinese (her favorite), or watch a movie, or let her stay up a few minutes late. Her teacher gives us a daily report on how her day went, so that helps.

She also started peeing her pants after our baby was born, so now she gets a sticker every night she is dry and then picks out a prize after 7 stickers. A few weeks of that and she is already doing a little bit better.

I'm sorry to hear about you having such a hard time, and sorry I can't help much, but hoping that the end of this is near for you. I'm not sure if it's our prizes or her age, but things are looking up (finally!!) for our family.

We all go through this to some degree, kids testing what mom and dad will and won't allow and where. What I found that helped with my kids is to refuse to answer them when they talked back and would ask them to rephrase what they just said to me and if they did't, then they were punished for not speaking to me correctly. Time out's if they work, if not, removing some of their favorite things (game paddles to the PS2 so they couldn't play, cords to their favorite electronics, etc).

This is an important time to teach your daughter the proper way to express herself without being mouthy, whiney, or demanding and it is a skill that will serve her well throughout her life. You will most likely have to start with giving her several examples of how you want her to speak to you (in the moment is the best time)....such as giving her specific examples of other ways in which she can say the same thing without being mouthy or demanding, etc. Eventually she will catch on and her mind will steer her towards more appropriate ways to express herself (because you've taught her how!)with little prompting on your part. It's a great skill for her to learn. When she gets upset or angry, she will still be able to communicate herself clearly to others without being offensive.

Now that my kids are teens, when they start getting demanding or mouthy (which isn't often), I simply look at them at say, "Wanna rephrase that?" and they know they've crossed the line and will repeat what they want, but in an appropriate way. It's taken quite a bit of teaching on my part, but it has paid off well for them as all their friends parents love having my kids over because so are so polite and well spoken!

When she throws temper tantrums, simply leave the room and refuse to acknowledge it in anyway. A friend of mine did this when her son threw fits and it worked quite well with him. Refusing to acknowledge them at all when what they are wanting is your attention is the quickest way to put a stop to it. Simply walk away. If you are in public, either remove her, or walk to a place where you can see her but she can't see you. It's no fun to them to throw a fit without the audience of mom and dad! One trick that worked for me is if we were in the car, I would pull off to the side of the street and park and make them sit on the sidewalk where everyone could see them, while I leaned against the back of the car and kept watch. It was embarrassing to them as people would drive by and look! I even had a police officer stop once to check on us and my son was embarrassed to death, especially when the officer chastized him for not listening to me! lol Now all I have to do is let off the gas and start slowing down and my kids straigten up right away! lol There are all sorts of 'fun' ways to teach your kids things that won't be such an imposition for you. My dad used to make us run back and forth between two objects (usually two trees) to help us burn off energy when we got out of line. Easy for him, not for us! lol I used this on my kids too, works great! :) Good luck to you hun!

We are in the same boat, and our daughter has never wathced Hannah Montanna on a regular basis; maybe only a few occasional episodes at grandma's. You would think we had always given her everything she wanted when she wanted it (we haven't) with the whining and tantrums that occur (but they started around 2 and have never really gotten better and they come in streaks--almost like PMS, but she's only turning 5 next week-yikes!) Even things we do EVERY DAY (get dressed, brush teeth, go potty, and get hair done) are met with ridiculous resistance. Someone had suggested (on another post) a book called "Parenting with Love and Logic"--it's on my list to buy, but the bookstore was out of copies when I went. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone!!!!! I feel your pain and will be following your post for advise as well. Good Luck!

Are you sure you're not talking about my daughter?! :) I don't have any advice for you, but I'll be watching you're post/thread for ideas, too!

I second the suggestion of Parenting With Love and Logic. Not only read the book, but get yourselves in an actual class if you can. I read the book, but the interaction in the class was way more beneficial for me. They are not that expensive, I think the one at our church was $40 for an individual, $60 for a couple.

As for PWL&L giving "too many" choices, I *totally* disagree. The more small, insignificant choices you give them, the more in control they feel (even though you're really in control). So when you exert your control on an issue, it isn't as frustrating to them. We've seen big changes in our kids, but you can't expect a quick, easy fix...there is no such thing. For every year a child has had a behavior, it will take 1 month of consistent "empathetic training" for that behavior to stop. So it's really hard work, but worth it in the long run.

Good luck!

Don't despair this too shall pass. Sassiness and temper tantrum are all ways of getting your attention. Negative attitude should be stopped.. like " You will not speak to me in that tone of voice" Not yelling at her but in a firm voice. Set limits..when they go beyond then discipline is in order such as " Go to your room until you are able to speak to me in a good way" or ignore her completely. Temper tantrum are to be ignored the more you pay attention to them the more she is getting her way. She will find out pretty quick that they won't get her what she wants.
You may find that she will start throwing things to get your attention.. take away a favorite item everytime she does and don't give it back until this behavior has been taken care of. BE FIRM, BE PATIENT and Scream into your pillow when you are totally frustrated :)

Try Dr Ray. He is better than the Love and Logic. Love and Logic gives them to many choices. Dr. Ray has several books out and you can listen to him on radio. http://www.drray.com/index.htm

You have gotten some awesome responses to your question.
I have written this before but I will say it again because I believe it to be true.
Every child has there "collateral" if it be tv time, computer time, time with you,a toy gets taken away, something speical. It is your job to figure out what it is and it becomes a prilege.
Priveleges are errand!!!!!!

I have a 5 1/2 yr old boy and a 7wk old daughter. We have been having some of the same problems with our 5yr old. We have contributed ours to the change in our lives with the addition of our daughter. I have found that all that works for us is prayer and rewards for good behavior. I made a chart and he gets things when he earns so many stickers for behaving correctly. I have also made sure that we set aside time and do things just for him or with only him so that he feels we are paying him as much attention as our 7wk old. Rewards seem to be what works for us any ways...I hope this helps.

Hi S. -- Looks like some good advice. We have had a lot of luck with the Common Sense Parenting series/method, which you can get classes or a book through Boys Town Press online. Good luck!