Mom's with Children Inlaws

I'm fortunate in that my mother's family and my father's family became friends with each other. Many holidays and vacations were spent with both families at the same time. For example, Thanksgiving frequently involved my paternal grandparents and my maternal aunts, uncles, cousins, and my immediate family sharing dinner. My father's brother and family would take their vacation at the same time my father took his and they'd join my mother's side of the family for a picnic on the Fourth of July and at other times too.

Now that my daughter is married, she and her husband have his mother and me for holiday dinners. Sometimes my brothers and his sister join us.

I know that I would feel neglected if I weren't invited to holiday dinners but I wouldn't/am not hurt at other times. I'm very glad that my daughter and son-in-law nearly always invite me. Except for holidays, I frequently decline because I feel that they need to be independent from me some of the time. My daughter and I openly talk about what is happening each of those times.

I suggest that if you could be open and loving with your mil, you may find that she would be able to be more loving towards you. Your post sounds critical of her. Have you tried accepting her as she is, reassure her at times other than the holidays that you love her, and include her in events all year long. Invite her but don't get upset if she declines. Let her be who she is. Accept her when she wants to be involved and don't take it personally if she doesn't.

Keep in mind that holidays are different and parents should be included in some way. Last Christmas, I went to my daughter's house for Christmas Eve dinner and my son-in-law's mother and sister were there for part of Christmas Day. We opened our presents on Christmas Eve and they opened theirs on Christmas Day. A compromise usually takes care of hurt feelings.

I adopted my daughter and she still is involved with some members of her birth family as was I when she was a child. Now, she likes to get together with them on her own. At first, I did feel hurt, until I realized that her birth family is a family unit separate from me and that's OK. I'd really rather not continue such close contact with them. What makes this work is my daughter being able to show me her love all year long. She accepts me as I am, notices when I'm feeling sad and gives me a hug.

Lots of positive statements, including I love you, I like being with you, I'm sorry that hurts, thru out the years takes care of my feelings. Also, specific invitations for just me for dinner makes me feel special. I suggest you try that with your mother-in-law. You don't have to like her but it surely does help if you can love her because she is your husband's mother. After all, you wouldn't have him without her.

My mother and her mil, my grandmother, started out not much liking each other but they learned to first love each other and eventually liked each other too. Start with the idea that you are going to show her love even when you're not feeling it so much.

Why can't you spend some time with mil while husband's daughter is in town? It's all a matter of finding ways that work for everyone involved. Approach the situation with a positive attitude and I suggest you'll find doing so makes a big difference.

i dont have married kids but have a large family that is spread out & so does hubby & his is more complicated with step parents etc. i have come to realize that there will never be a holiday where everyone will be happy, so we just tell it like it is, whatever the plans are that is what they are & its not to hurt feelings but it is to spend time with everyone & do what we want to be happy...we do rotate holidays though, so there is never years that go by where we havent been with one side...

Hmmm - well, I guess I'll handle the old lady side of this question. Yes, of course, it is hard to let go and it is hard to adjust to not having your children with you for holidays. Someday you'll find out how hard it is. We know we have to let go and we do want our kids to be happy and have their own lives...but we miss the time when you little. We miss the time when we were young. We miss planning Christmas surprises for you. We miss planning to have a family holiday celebration at our house because inevitably it shifts to your house...or you live so far away that we just eat carry outs on the holiday.

I think another thing that is hard for your parents now is that we were part of a different generation that expected to live relatively close to our parents, we expected to spend some time with both the maternal grandparents and the paternal grandparents on holidays because we all lived close. In fact, we spent much more time with our parents (and in some cases, still do, as your grandparents are living into their 80's and 90's) than you spend with us because that expectation has changed and we're kind of the generation in the middle of that...still working hard to please our parents and having kids that don't feel that obligation to us (And I'm not saying you should feel an obligation to us, in fact I'd rather you didn't, but that's how we've been made to feel about our parents.)

Now I don't know your MIL, she could be a real cantankerous control freak for all I know. But I know sometimes when my daughter tells me she can't make it, I need a couple days to adapt to that. After a couple of days, I'm good. I do want her to have her own life, I don't want her to make the sacrifices I made for my parents. But, you know...it's a let down. So I need a minute to adjust.

sorry, i don't have married children. but your MIL sounds just like one of my grandmothers - she always had something to complain about, something was always wrong with her, someone had always done something "to" her...some people are just like that. doesn't make for a very happy life, and truthfully, as her granddaughter, i still to this day am not keen on spending much time around her. some people are just like that.

Yes, I DID in the past. Then I realized that when MIL blows us off for the other ones she is not here causing us misery. :0) Plus, it is obvious she is JEALOUS of my child and how great she is turning out. Plus, my child LOVES me and wants to be with me while hers wanted to be away from her. It really is her problem, but if a child feels it that hurts.
I gave a few gifts to my child "From MIL" so she would not see other kids opening tons of gifts. I told my MIL and FIL calmly why. They were embarrassed and tried to blame us and my daughter because she has everything.
I hope you have a peaceful holiday and get to enjoy it.

I personally have no regrets about my son-in-law spending holidays with his family, along with my daughter and grandson. I'm content with many other opportunities I have. And in part, I expect that I don't feel left out because I feel my SIL's genuine regard for me and my husband, and we are always welcome in each other's homes.

I would guess that most people who feel genuinely "included" and loved throughout the year have less need for the "symbols" that tend to pass for relationship – holiday gatherings, cards and gifts, etc.

So, it could be that your MIL does not believe she's loved or appreciated – particularly if you don't receive her gifts graciously. (I was always taught to say 'thank you" with a smile, and appreciate the gesture. There are always ways to make unwanted gifts disappear later.) And your low opinion of your SIL is apparent from your post, so it is probably visible to your husband's family, as well. An negative attitude tends to hamper positive interactions.

You say your MIL doesn't accept your invitations, even when you offer transportation. But they may still be meaningful to her, just knowing that you're willing to ask. If you want a less-stressed relationship with her, there may be other things you can do from your end. A good relationship depends on all the parties in the relationship, and it's generally a mistake to expect the other person to take responsibility for their feelings unless we're willing to do the same. We can easily see other people's shortcomings, but it takes real attention and willingness to notice our own.

But it's still true that, beyond examining your own attitudes and keeping your heart open and caring, you can't take responsibility for what your MIL thinks and feels. Just take care of your own business with as much maturity and good cheer as you can.

The in-laws thing is always tricky! In your case, you have legitimate reasons for being with your family for Thanksgiving, not that you need them. Where you choose to spend your holiday is up to you and for what it's worth, I think you are doing a very kind thing for your uncle. We are staying local this year to support my in-laws through the first holiday following our nephew's death. You don't need to justify your choice.

If your MIL would like to see her granddaughter, that is understandable. Invite her to your home during your SD's visit and plan a nice family dinner at that time.

Just my opinion (and we are guilty of it too)... we drag our families all over creation on holidays to make everyone happy, which never pans-out anyway! Make a decision as a couple and support eachother when others comment. This is the only thing I can tell you... b/c that's what we do in our house!