17 answers

More Family Issues! What Do I Do????????????????

So now that the holidays are fast approaching, I find myself wanting to tell my husband I dont want to spend thanksgiving or xmas with his family. They pay no attention to us, they never call, never really acknowledge us when we go over to their house. dont really acknowledge their own son or brother. They totally ignore me and our children, never have been really close and we have had some family issues down the road before, it is just very uncomfortable. His sister is one of those women who if she is in a good mood, she talks your ear off, if she is in a bad mood, she totally ignores you, your kids and snubs you. He doesnt talk to his brother. They have no problems, just dont talk. The family is very dis-functional. Not that family is perfect, but at least i talk to my brother when we go over to their house, but my family lives 7 hours away.
My MIL passed away earlier this year from cancer, so i kind of feel like we have to go over there. I hate sitting on the couch trying to talk to people and they answer me with one word and then dont talk to me again. I hate watching the rest of the family dote over their other nieces and nephews, but dont pay one bit of attention to my kids. We have an older daughter who is 13 and she just sits there with me on the couch because the other girls dont include her to go outside or downstairs to hang out with them.....
I feel like i have to go because it is my husbands family, but gosh darn it... why should i subject myself and my children to that? I would rather spend it with people who actually converse with me and who i really enjoy being around.

What do i do?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

So happy that i got so many responses on suggestions, thoughts and opinions! I feel bad that my husbands family is this way, I know its not his fault, but its not mine either. I know deep down he wants his family to be more like mine, but that wont ever happen.
I think i will suggest doing thanksgiving on our own, or with some of our friends and then doing xmas with his family and really, we usually on stay there for a few hours, then come home.
He knows i have a hard time with his family and for the most part he is understanding, but sometimes he can make me feel really guilty for having these feelings, but i cant help it. I know that my family would never ever treat him the way his family treats us, even him! I have brought that up to him several times.
Thanks everyone for your honesty!

Featured Answers

It seems to me that you can accomplish the same thing and enjoy being home even more by skipping the whole ghastly annual ignore fest.
When a tradition is no longer fun, it's time to try something new.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

are we related?? lol i have similar siti sounds just like my inlaws...we're supposed to be moving here in a week or so, we're spending thanksgiving at my uncle's that just lost a wife, and christmas at our house.

talk to your husband, see what page he is on, maybe host the holiday's at your house, if they don't come they don't come, if they do, it's your rules....that's what we're doing, tired of being in the middle of the drama or not being recognised at all

4 moms found this helpful

Pick one holiday to attend and then do something on your own for the other. Considering the recent passing of your MIL, I would not suggest going "cold turkey" this year.

I would also suggest bringing an activity for the kids to do (all ages). If you go over for Thanksgiving, bring the materials to make placecards for the guests and invite all of the kids to come downstairs with you to make them. Not only will it give you something to do before dinner, but you can also make sure that your kids are involved!

We don't particularly enjoy my husband's family either, but I have become the "cool aunt" b/c I always bring something for the little ones to do. We have done...
- place cards for the table (super easy, just look up templates online)
- ornaments to kick-off the holiday season
- "thank you" cards out of the Christmas cards (plus it gets that task completed when I know that other than my child no one else would write them)
- Decorated mugs that the kids then give as holiday gifts

I won't get into the dynamics of my in-laws b/c there isn't enough space, but we started doing a pre-Christmas party at our house several years ago. We order pizzas and invite his side over mid-December. The adults no longer exchange gifts, but we buy for all of the kids. The kids open presents and the whole party is a couple of hours. This makes it feel festive and leaves us available to duck-out of Christmas Day without being the "family a-holes". It also allows my brother-in-law (and any of the others who don't want to be around the crazy) to do the same!

4 moms found this helpful

It seems to me that you can accomplish the same thing and enjoy being home even more by skipping the whole ghastly annual ignore fest.
When a tradition is no longer fun, it's time to try something new.

2 moms found this helpful

have a Real Thanksgiving at your home... tell your hubby.. you want to have it here.. maybe his family can come for dessert... just tell him you dont' want to feel like an outsider.. or better yet..you have an early dinner.. maybe have a neighbor over who doesn't have anyplace to go.. and go the family for dessert... tell him that's how you and your child want it.. good luck.. keep the peace

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with everyone else, host it yourself. Talk to your husband, and tell him you’d like to cook at home this year. Thanksgiving is about being thankful for the blessings you have in life, not sitting on a couch feeling ignored and watching your children get their feelings hurt. Whether you want to extend an invitation to your husband’s family or not is up to you, but personally, I wouldn’t spend one second worrying about what they’re doing. That may sound harsh, but doesn’t watching football, taking a nap on the couch, and going through black Friday sale papers with your 13 year old sound nice? Whatever you decide to do, I hope you have a nice holiday. Good Luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

You feel you "have" to go. Is that any real reason to go because you feel obligated? Yes, it's your husband's family but they don't care about you and you feel resentful for it. Is your husband open to having a special Thanksgiving dinner at home, just you, your husband and your children? Who says it has to be with the WHOLE extended family? You and your husband are the whole family with your children. I say stay home and enjoy your family time together and you will have a much better time anyway.

1 mom found this helpful

You don't have to go if YOU don't want to. What does your husband want to do? Does he care what you do? If you want to be with them, can you invite them to your house?

My Step MIL told us that as long as the grandparents are alive they will have Christmas at her house and not go anywhere else. Period. We told her that they wouldn't be seeing us on Christmas then. It was hard, but it was our holiday too. It is a time for family to get together and ENJOY each other. If you are going to be miserable, do what you want so you, your husband and your kids can have a nice holiday.

1 mom found this helpful

What does your husband say? I know it's his family, but it doesn't sound like he's incredibly close with them. If he really wants to go, perhaps you can plan to go for an early dinner or just dessert on Christmas Eve or just for a "drop-in" on Christmas afternoon? I would really talk to him about how it's your family's holiday too, and perhaps you should stay at home. If you must go there, tell him it needs to be a very short visit, because everyone is MISERABLE and that's not how you want to be at Christmas or how you want your children to remember Christmas.

You could also tell him to choose Thanksgiving or Christmas to see them, but not both (I would HEAVILY push T-day for your kids' sake). OR you could also tell him that for Thanksgiving you wanted to try some new traditions and have it at your house. Let him invite his family, but you're on your turf, so they can come or not and you can invite anyone else you please.

1 mom found this helpful

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