Mom from Oregon Seeks Advise on 19Yr Old Son

Do they work, do they spend thier money wisely. If they do then it is ok to help them some. If they are taking advantage you have to stop. So It would be good to maybe sit down and help them go over their finances and see what other options are out there for them. If they are really trying but struggling they can probabley get foodstamps, WIC, OHP and Section 8/ HUD assistance. It is ok to help them some if you are capable and they are really needing it but they would probabley feel better if you didnt have to help them. If they just dont care and spend their money on unecessaries and expect you to pick up the slack then they are adults and you dont have to do anything for them. Good lUck,

Have they concidered getting on the WIC program? This is a program that teaches nutrition education, offer's breastfeeding classes and support and will give checks for 2/3 of thier formula needs if they are not breastfeeding. If she is breastfeeding than they also offer support and help, atleast most of them do.

She should qualify during pregnancy and they will give her checks for milk, cheese, peanut butter, eggs, juice, peas and beans and cereal. This will help suppliment the grocery needs.

Hi there. I know your dilemma. I have 6 children. My oldest is 19 and is married to a 22 year old boy. Luckily, they have not gotten themselves pregnant yet. She might not even be able to have them, which is sad.

Anyway, you probably should've never paid for their bills in the first place. None of this is your responsibility. I know that you feel guilty if you don't. WE all hate to see anyone struggle so much. But, they will never learn if you don't let them go. You love them enough to let them be grown-ups. Which, from the sounds of it, is what they need to be now that they are expecting a baby. This was no accident. They know how it works. :)Ha Ha. They need to take responsibility for their own actions, even if it involves the baby.

My daughter has figured out how to use the Welfare system, food stamps, medical, etc. They will gain some humility, maturity and grow up much faster this way.

Being a grandma does not mean to be a mother all over again. God gave your son and daughter in law this baby. God did not give this baby to you. They need to take care of it and you need to ask them to please not manipulate you. They need to respect you that much.

Oh, this is not easy. I hope you can do it though. It is for their best interests and the best chance at your grandbaby to have mature parents.

Good luck!

Maybe instead of helping them financially you could help them by hooking them up with social services and community charities that could help them. You could help them develop a realistic budget and stick to it. Rather than just supporting them, help them learn to support themselves.
Good luck!
W. Jones
Breastfeeding Educator
http://www.mosaicbaby.com

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB HELPING YOUR SON AND HIS FAMILY. I AM 37 YEARS OLD AND A SINGLE MOTHER OF A 14 YEAR OLD. I ADMIT THAT I STILL ASK MY PARENTS FOR HELP. NOT ALOT BUT I DO. YOU HAVE TO DETERMINE IF THEY ARE DEPENDING ON YOU ALL THE TIME OR ARE THEY REALLY STRUGGLING? IF THEY ARE MAKING EFFORTS TO MAKE IT WORK FINACIALLY THEN I DONT THINK YOU SHOULD HELP THEM, BUT PUT LIMITS. I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE YOUR SON AND HIS FAMILY, BUT SET LIMITS. HOPE THIS HELPS. GOOD LUCK. P.S. WE ARE GRATEFUL FOR OUR PARENTS.

I agree with Marda. I think she says it all. I have read a lot of the others too....they all say very important points. I hope the best. Good luck and stay strong. I have my son...let me start in the beginning. When my husband and I found out that we were pregnant....we were not married, and I was 27. Fortunately, I was not as young as 19. But, I was petrified to tell my parents even at 27. Only if you knew my mother. We got financially strained. We made too much for food stamps, but we were able to get on WIC - which is wonderful by the way. But we ended up moving onto my parents property - we pay rent. We only missed a couple of months when my husband lost his job during Christmas when I was pregnant. But we made that up when we got back on our feet...paying a little more every month. I was afraid to ask...but I never really learned how to ask from my parents. My parents favorite word was "NO" when I was growing up anyway. We were poor. Ok - now I am straying.

But your son should be thankful for what you have been able to give him and respect you. But you can't cut your own throat for his choices. They need to grow up and realize that they can't get everything that they ask for. They have to work hard just like all of us have to. Even if that means we have to cut out a expense that we don't need to save a little extra money. You know, not rent a movie this week. Don't eat out every night. Skip the glass of wine. Prioritize. Back to basics. It's called life.

Best of luck. You can be strong. You're a mom - and mom's can do anything.

I would try to focus on helping them find services within the community, like WIC and other social services, that can assist them. The longer you provide a free bill pay service the longer they will rely on you. That and you're not really teaching them how to be responsible adults; which is important because they need to be responsible in order to set a good example for their child. My sister has been living for free off my mom for years, she's going to be 26 next week and still lives in my mom's house rent free. I think the situation has gone on for so long because my mom allows it. I love them both, and I know it is hard for my mom to see my sister suffer but some times that's how you teach a person to take care of themselves.

I know that when I first had my daughter we were still living with my mom to save money to get on our feet... We were there until my daughter was three months old.

I never once asked for help, but there were times where we desperately needed it and I knew my parents just wouldn't do it... It didn't feel too great because it's stressfull when you're a young parent (I was 22, my husband 23) and worried about diapers or milk... Granted, I wouldn't eat for a week to make sure my daughter had what she needed, it would have been nice to know that my parents would help had I asked.

You should mention the WIC program to your son and also cloth diapering as opposed to disposable. It saves money in the long run and is actually better for infants as there's no chemicals.

I know that's not too helpful, but I thought I would let you know that what you're doing is great. You're helping your son when he needs it... I would have a much better relationship with my mother if she was sensitive to my setbacks. I plan on being exactly like you when my daughter is older if she needs help or assistance.

K., I could've written this message a few years ago. I thought I was helping my daughter and her boyfriend, the father of my first grandchild. My daughter was 19 and her boyfried 21. Looking back I think that I was continuing a pattern that I'd had all along with my daughter. By helping her I was also protecting her from the natural consequences of her choices. Perhaps if I hadn't rescued her so much during the teen years she wouldn't have gotten pregnant.

I did help them get state aid which included food stamps.WIC, and health insurance coverage as well as training. The state paid for child care while my daughter was in school and for awhile afterwards. They found low-income housing and I paid the rent for 3 years.

My daughter worked but her boyfriend did not. Eventually I told him that I would not pay the rent for him and he moved out and in a couple of months returned to live with his parents in AZ. He has paid no child support.

That was the first step in letting my daughter grow up. When my money ran out (I used up my bank savings) I should have stopped paying rent before my financial cushion was used up. I stopped paying the rent but I continued to buy groceries and baby supplies.

I'm retired. I babysat and helped with housework. By the third year I realized that I could get paid by the state for babysitting
and So I continued even tho my daughter was still rebelling and seemed unappreciative of my involvement. She started counseling, also paid for by the state, and realized that she felt that I was keeping her from growing up and that I was too involved in her life. She was definately having a difficult time deciding what to do. She wanted me to help but she didn't want me involved in her day to day life. She criticized nearly everything I did because she felt that I was in control of her life. I didn't look at it that way at first but then realized I was doing a whole lot for her which she could do for herself. I thought I was making life easier for her and giving her baby a good start in life. I didn't understand her resentment. I do now. I was not allowing her to grow up and take charge of her own live.

I stopped babysitting and house cleaning. By this time she did have a job but it didn't pay enough to pay for child care. She complained alot to me asking me to help her again. I then became aware of how much I worked to make other people happy and not nearly enough to make myself happy. I was sacrificing to provide for my daughter even tho she was an adult who had chosen to have a baby.

Somehow she did work her life out without my financial involvement. For the first year I tried to give her emotional support but that was difficult because she blamed me for putting her in this position. It's now been 6 years since this "merry go round" started and we've finally reached a comfortable Adult daughter and adult mother relationship.

I still help her. I babysit a coule of times a week and keep my granddaughter Friday nights and Saturday. But I do that because I enjoy it. And I do loan her money from time to time. She doesn't always pay me back and I feel OK about that because she now acknowledges that she owes me the money. I also buy some extras in the way of food and gifts from time to time.

I do not spend very much time at her apartment. I've noticed in the last couple of months that she's getting me to help her with housework again. I think that I'm slipping back into doing too much. I noticed that, when I started to feel resentful about her expections for my housework help. I've caught her laundry up several times and she lets it pile up to a nearly insurmountable chore and calls on me to help again. Same with housework. She still hasn't learned how to do a little each day so that it's not a weveral day chore by the time she asks for help again. And she won't listen to my suggestions on how to get organized so that she can better keep up. She spends her time with friends while I clean house. I'm thinking that if I stop helping her to "catch up" as she calls it she would have more of an incentive to learn better ways of keeping up.

But now how do I get out of this when I've told her I would help her and have been doing so for 3 months now? First, I will tell her in diplomatic terms that I'm feeling resentful because I haven't set boundaries that work for me. And allow her to exress her feelings without any comments from me. Then I'll tell her what I'm willing and/or able to do. And again let her express her frustration and probably anger without comment. I may express sympathy and understanding but I won't try to talk her out of what she is feeling. I will calmly stick to my decision without arguing.

Keeping this balance between help and allowing them to handle their own affairs, ie. grow up, is difficult. I want to make life easier for my daughter and grandchildren. I've finally learned that doing so does not help them to learn how to accept responsibility for their decisions. It also doesn't allow them to be an adult and learn adult skills.

If I were to do this over again I would've told them that I would help for a few months but I would only do that because of the baby. I would state the last month that I would be able to give them money. I would've still helped them get into the state welfare system by encouraging them and providing transportation. And I would be sure that I had plans to do things for myself so that I would'nt allow myself to allow them to be dependent on me.

You say that they will eventually get on their feet. How do you know that? Are they doing things to improve their skills and increase their earning capacity? Are they spending money wisely, investing in the future? They chose either consciously or by remaining unconcious to get pregnant while they were still unable to support themselves adequately. What is the natural consequence for that action? You enabled them to "play house" by supporting them thus far. Now they have the "and baby makes three." When will you be able to allow them to take care of themselves? Isn't that what adults do?

Those are the questions that helped me decide to stop with all the financial and physical support. I'm there emotionally. I'm supportive by being willing to talk and even listen when it's painful for me and would be easier to give her money or housecleaning and laundry help.

In "our day" most of us didn't start a family until we were financially able to support that family. I am sorry that we as a society have lost those values. And I suspect that I didn't provide enough consequences along the way for my daughter to realize the serious actions have unpleasant consequences. She had been pregnant at 16 because I allowed a boyfriend from out of state to move in with us.

I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you. And this is just my opinion based on my own experiences. But I would stop with the financial support. Give them moral support. Buy what you want to buy for the baby. I bought diapers often because the baby is an innocent in this situation and I do want to do what I can to help the baby. She is my grandchild and I do have some responsibility for her welfare. That is part of what families are for.

At first I rationalized that paying the rent helped the baby. But if I didn't pay the rent there were other alternatives for the parents. If they are caring and adequate parents they will find a way. That is their job and they must learn how to take care of their family.

Looks like I could write forever. Raising my daughter and helping her learn how to manage her own live has been a very large part of my life for several years. I've made a lot of mistakes, some of them serious, but I've also learned alot. So has my daughter. She is mostly independent now. Getting there was difficult for both of us but it was worth it.

Good luck to you. M.

That is really tuff to say because it know it is hard to watch your kids struggle, especially if you have the means to help them. He is an adult (a young one but still an adult). He is making adult decisions (to live on his own with his fiance and to make a baby). That means he should be able to make the decision to get another job, get some better education and make more money. In my experience, a little initial help is good (especially if they are in college or some sort of trade school), but after that, they should be able to pay their own bills. The longer you help, to more dependent they become. Then when you do decide to stop helping, they are very resentful because they have come to expect it. He has made the decision to be an adult with a family. Treat him like it. He has a responsibility to take care of his new family. Be there to support him in other ways, but financial help is a slippery slope. Good luck to him.

WELL I COULD UNDERSTAND THE MOTHERLY INSTINCT THING. NOT WANTING YOUR BABIES TO STRUGGLE. I LEFT HOME AT 18 GOT MARRIED AT 19 BUT WHEN I STRUGGLED IT JUST MADE ME STRONGER. STOP PAYING THE BILLS. THEY SHOULDNT HAVE THE LUXURY'S THEY DONT NEED CABLE,CREDIT CARDS,CAR PYMT. THEY SHOULD ONLY HAVE THE NECC. IN LIFE JUST THE BASCI. THERE IS PROGRAMS TO HELP LOW INCOME FAMILY TO PAY THE ELEC. AND GAS BILLS. TELL THEM TO LOOK INTO THAT. GOING OUT AND EATING OUT IS A LUXURY. LET THEM DO THIS ON THERE OWN. THEY WILL THEN START PINCHING THERE PENNIES. JUST TELL THEM YOU WILL PAY THERE BILL FOR TWO MORE MONTHS SO THEY CAN START SAVING UP. SO THEY DONT FALL BEHIND. AND THEN THEY ARE ON THERE OWN. BUT FOR BEING A GRANDMA YOU CAN BUY YOUR GRANDCHILD THINGS LIKE BOX OF DIAPERS FROM COSTCO,WIPES CLOTH'S AND OTHER STUFF. ALL NEW PARENTS NEED THAT TYPE OF HELP. TRY THROWING THEM A BABYSHOWER.THAT ALWAYS HELP. STUFF LIKE THAT IS MORE REASONABLE. YOU NEED TO STOP PAYING THERE BILLS.

I'm a 35 year old mom of 2 kids myself, my oldest is just turning 16 and my youngest is going to be 14.. when they where little, my husband and I struggled quite a bit as well, eith the help of my parents we made it through that tough time ok..
but just don't over do it, only help when they need it, other wise it turns into a situation where they will always depend on that help no matter what.
Best Wishes
Jen