MIL Put Nailpolish on My 3 Year Old W/out Asking--wrong / Right?

My mom and sister painted my daughter's nails all the time. I didn't think a thing of it. Hey....it's one way to get a little kid to sit still for a while. It wears off or comes off easily with remover.
Are you upset about the polish or that you didn't do it with her first?
There will be millions of times for you to do it.
In the scheme of things, I just don't think this is really bad.

Just my opinion.

The only reason it would have bothered me is that nail polish and especially nail polish remover are highly toxic.

I have never heard of a child getting poisoned from nail polish! Grandmas should be allowed to have some fun too. Dont be so selfish! You may hurt your relationship with a great grandma for your daughter. Some kids arent lucky enough to have grandparents who give a darn.

okay- take a deep breath. let it out slowly...now another - deeper - let it out slowly....

Instead of being pissed about this - when your MIL was HINTING about this all weekend - instead of being a brat - why not say "what a wonderful idea - let's do it together?!?!?!?!"

If your daughter is a girly-girl - 3.5 is NOT too young for nail polish.

This IS nail polish NOT a permanent thing like piercing or a tattoo!!! Come on!! Your MIL had been hinting all weekend - but the way I'm reading your post - you didn't stop it - you didn't say "no, we're waiting" - you LET it happen and NOW you are mad? You HAD the chance to step up and say no - but you didn't.

So personally - I don't think you had the "right" to be livid when your MIL had been hinting all weekend - your silence on the subject was, in her opinion, acceptance so she went ahead and did it.

Next time - speak up or join in.

I think you're over-reacting. WAY over. Reacting.

It's nail polish, not a tatoo! I had my nails painted as a child and never died from it. Your MIL is trying to have fun with her grandbaby, please don't deny her that, especially if she's only had boys and this is her first girl... Pick your battles, if your MIL says she wants to take her to get a hair cut that is more cause for you to step in, nail polish is a fun way for her to bond. I think it was a bit rude of your husband to talk to his mother that way but of course I don't know all the dynamics of thier relationship.

I would pick and choose your battles. Nail polish not a big deal at all. It will wear off in a matter of days or you can remove it. My girls have had polish on TONS of times...sometimes the sitters do it, my mom has done it, I have done it and I have taken my girls (3 and 6) to the salon for a polish with me. The babysitters and my mom have not asked me. The girls love it and it can easily be removed if I am not happy with it for any reason.

If it was something like getting her ears pierced without asking you, well, that's a whole different ball game...but polish, soooooooo not a big deal.

You were really "livid" over this? It wont hurt your daughter at all. And her and grandma loved it. Whats the problem? I would let it go, if she was doing something harmful, I would be upset, but come on, this is pretty innocent isnt it? Pick your battles.

I do not see the big deal. If you wanted to do nail polish on her, why haven't you done it so far? Were you waiting until she was older? If so, I would have told your MIL (in front of your daughter) - that is great, grandma, but we have a rule about her having to be X years old before she can have polish. That way your daughter and MIL knows the rules. I have been painting my almost four year old daughter's nails and toes since she was a baby. It doesn't sound like you have the best relationship with MIL (based on her shutting the door on you) so maybe it's more of a 'she got to do this first' with her than the fact of what it was (nail polish). I even think makeup is okay (for fun) for girls. It sounds like she's trying to do things she was never able to with her sons with your daughter - which is great, because your daughter will have great memories with her grandmother.

Sounds like your husband stepped in and did the right thing. If it were me, it would not have bothered me but everyone has their 'thing'.

Nail polish is not poison. Well, I suppose if you drink it, it might make you sick, but then so would shampoo, sunscreen, even baby lotion.

I think it is lovely that your MIL wants to spend "girly" time with your daughter. Enjoy it...not every little girl gets a grandma like that. Appreciate your MIL (no, I am not one yet) as not all MIL's are as interested in their granddaughters as yours seems to be.

My mom used to love painting my daughters' nails. Maybe you have other issues with your MIL, but this shouldn't be one of them. If you wanted this to be a "first" for you and your daughter, you should have already done it. In my opinion, you are making a huge deal out of nothing, and it is only hurting you. Nobody else is upset. Let it go.

There's nothing wrong with it. She was being a grandma and was enjoying her grandbaby. She didn't take her and have her hair cut or her ears pierced. It's nail polish. Enjoy your MIL and her interest in your wee one while you can. Nail polish is something so petty--DON'T start a fight over it!

ETA: As long as she's not treating her like one of the poor little things on "Toddlers & Tiarras"--there's not a thing wrong with playing dress-up and letting your daughter wear some blush and lipstick. Heck, haven't you seen the commercial where the big sister is putting makeup on her little brother? It's something most kids do and they're fine. I think your MIL is treating you this way because she knows it gets you going. Lighten up a bit and she won't get any more enjoyment out of trying to torture you if she thinks it's not bothering you.

I think I understand. My mom cut my daughter's bangs, put nail polish on her, etc... all before I had a chance to do it. My daughter is 3.5 also.

I didn't get worked up about it though. I would rather have done those things first... but we have to pick our battles. Your daughter most likely loves the attention her grandma gives her. AND she won't remember that grandma was the first one to paint her nails.

My guess is that your MIL oversteps her bounds in other ways too and you are sensitive to her actions. For everyone's sake try to be a little more flexible.

I think you're getting all fired up over nothing. I happen to find nail polish on little girls to be distasteful, but you could certainly let them have their fun together, keep it on for a day and then remove it. It's not like she dyed her hair or got her ears pierced, kwim? This is not the hill worth dying on - be gracious and appreciate that in her way, she wants to spend some quality time with your daughter and thought that this would be a special and fun activity for her.

I think in hindsight, you might have taken her hints & at that time said " I don't know if I'm ready for her to wear polish yet?". Now having said that I don't always get hints when they are coming at me & after the fact I figure it out. She may have been thinking, since you didn't say anything, that it was ok to put it on your daughter. How great that your husband stood up for you & set a boundary with his mom. Most men won't do that. It's ok to set boundaries. Its also ok for Grandma to want to do girly things with your daughter. Let her know that you want to experience some things first & she is more than welcome to do those things with her afterwards.

Well, given your follow-up, I would say you need to find your voice. Stand up to your MIL.

Otherwise, I would let it go. It's nail polish, ffs. If you're so concerned about being "first" with everything, then do it first. But in the great scheme of things, don't you want your daughter to have nice memories of her grandma instead of how you two competed with each other over everything?

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh...you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here. I have 3 girls (and one boy), so I know how much fun it is to get to do all of that "girly" stuff with them, but this is really no reason to even think about being irritated/mad. All three of my girls had their toes (because fingers go in mouths) painted before they were even 3 months old, lol. As far as being too young at 3 1/2, I have to disagree. Now, if she had plastered make up all over her face, then you'd have reason to be upset. There are bigger fish to fry in this world. Besides, from your post, I get the feeling that you MIL was "feeling you out" all weekend by hinting to it so often. When you didn't say anything about it, she took that as a green light. I understand what you're saying about her not "asking" you first, but really, its not a huge thing, and easily removable.

I dont think she is too young, if that is part of your worry. I painted my babies toe nails when they were about a year. (not fingers, in case they put it in their mouth) Dont worry, it is not a big deal.

If you wanted to do it with your daughter first, why haven't you done it yet? Ive been painting both of my daughters nails since they were tiny! I understand wanting to do everything with them first, but unless you
never leave them with anyone beside yourself there are going to be things they do with other people first.

Nail polish, lipstick, blush, etc are fun things for all little girls and as long as it's once in a while for dress up I don't see what's wrong with it. I wonder if the moms who think that is sending the wrong message to their daughters don't wear any makeup themselves? It's in no way giving them the message that there's anything wrong with the way they look naturally, just shows them that taking care of themselves and looking their best is important!

My grandma went crazy with me after having five brothers, three sons, and three male grandchildren, can you blame her?! :)

Before I got to the end of your post, I knew it wasn't just about the nail polish. It's about your MIL. I don't think the polish is a big deal at all. I think your husband kind of set you up by telling MIL it wasn't HER decision, but it was YOURS. His comment should have been, it's OUR decision, meaning parental, not just maternal. He meant well and meant to put some power back in your lap, but he is feeding into his mother's animosity towards you.

And if it comes up, I don't think it's a big deal if she puts nail polish on your other child (a son?) - just don't give her any satisfaction in reacting.

If there were no other issues, I would think you could indulge her harmless little desire. A bottle of polish is not a ridiculous extravagance or spoiling, by itself. I think she gave you plenty of hints that this was coming. Perhaps next time, you can say, "I gather you want to put nail polish on Susie. Fine by me, and I appreciate your bringing it up first." Just be sure she is also doing something special for your other child. I think the make-up is harmless if they are just playing a game, but I agree that giving girls the idea that they are incomplete or not attractive without a lot of alteration to their faces is a bad bad idea. So I think you and your husband can bring it up in conversation about girls' body images and so on. Nails are a compromise, at least to me, and are more in the line of choosing clothes that are attractive and a flattering color.

If she is ignoring the other child, or if she is really overstepping her bounds, your husband needs step in and say that he won't be bringing his kids to visit if MIL doesn't stop this nonsense, or if she doesn't bring stuff up with you both in advance and not in the presence of the children.

If you don't react so much to her, maybe she'll back off?? But maybe you've tried that and she still persists. And next time you go to her house, YOU be at the front of the line with a big smile and a big hug. She'll have to go through you to get to her grandchildren and her son!

Good luck - this passive aggressive stuff, if it goes on all the time, is ridiculous.

Ok mom, I know exactly how you feel. There is no love lost between me and my husbands mother. That being said, I really tried to keep my own feelings about how I felt about her and her relationship with our daughter.

I never allowed how I felt about her or how I perceived her treatment of me to affect the relationship between her and our child. I just did not want our daughter to think anything but positive things about her grandmother.

Remember this is your husbands mother, putting him in the middle is difficult for him too. He will always love his mother, just like he will always love you too.

Try to not find fault with everything she says and does.. I REALLY know how you feel.. Just take a breath when you are around her. She is always going to be a part of all of your lives. Try to make the best of it.

I get having a contentious relationship with your MIL. I've had one in the past with my own MIL although most of the time it's been good/polite. Even at our worst, though, I would have been fine if she had played make-up and nail polish with my girls. I think it's sweet.

I don't think it's a big deal. But, as you said, there are dynamics about your MIL that we just don't understand. I would say that you were just super annoyed because it was her and the way that she does things almost out of spite. I know people like that! You can't let her get to you, that's what she's fishing for, a reaction!

My thoughts are really that this is such a silly thing to get upset about. It will come off as soon as you want it to. It won't hurt her, she had fun, it's odd to me you hadn't already painted them dozens of times yourself, I think if she had don't something somewhat permanent like got her ears pierced, given her a perm, or highlights, or cut her hair off then I would be mad. But for fingernail polish?????

Geez, pick your battles. It sounds like you have a tense relationship with her and she sounds pretty normal, wanting to do stuff like this is normal grandma stuff. Make up and dress up too. Putting on beads, earrings, makeup (Hideous make up at that) huge hats, sloppy dresses, and huge shoes. These are the things your daughter will look back on and remember doing with her grandma and think fond thoughts of her when she's gone.

I wouldnt even blink if my MIL did this (even though i dont have a MIL) This seems really innocent and sweet. You are making it seem like she pulled out a tattoo gun or a bottle of scotch. Honestly i think you should rethink your aversion to your MIL and put it in perspective.

My daughter turned 3 in March and I have been polishing her nails since she was 2 and a half. I do not do her hands often because she sometimes picks it off, but I do her toes weekly. 3 and a hlaf is old enough. I don't think you're mad about the polish per say, but about the other issues you mentioned and that's understandable I don't agree that girls that age should wear makeup either, but once in a while at home can be harmless. I actually bought my daughter her own chapstick because I was tired of her going through my purse and stealing mine lol. She is so happy she now has her own "makeup" :) but unless you keep her home in a bubble, she will experience fun things with other people beside you. Your MIL loves her grand daughter and wanted to do something special for her. Unless you specifically told her you didn't want anyone else to polish her nails besides you, she didn't do anything purposely spiteful.

To your actual question, my son went horseback riding a few months ago. I wasn't consulted beforehand and didn't know anything until he came home and told me. I myself have never been horse back riding, and my husband and I would have LOVED to have taken both kids for their first ride together (he went with his uncle). Now I could either have been fuming and livid or disapointed OR I could have shared my son's excitement when he told me. I chose the latter. Someday we will all go together and do it, but its awesome that he got to experience something fun like that with someone he loves too.

Here's an idea for a fun first with you two. Why don't you take her to a salon and have her toes polished and designed? I went once for a pedicure for myself and my girl wanted one. It was $9 and they painted them pink with yellow dots and she loved it! You don't have to do anything fancy for either of you, just something fun and girly.

Let this one go. If you had wanting to do this with her first, then you could have done it already... or joined in the fun and said "OK, grandma can do your fingers, but I get to do your toes!"

I'm not a fan of polish on young children, but you could have just removed it when you got home that night. Your husband also should have said something to his mother afterward, not in the middle of it.

My daughter has been getting her nails done with my since she was a baby - at 10 months old she used to love to have me hold her feet in the cooled down pedicure water. And I have pictures of her at 18 months getting her little nails painted at the salon with me. She's a girl and she has always been girlie - NOTHING wrong with a 3.5 year old having her nails painted. Kudo's to your MIL for spending time with her like that :). HOWEVER, my MIL and I do not get along at all, so I think anything she does with my kids gets on my nerves, but I stand back (for the most part) and try to let them enjoy since we rarely see her. Good luck!

I have the nicest MIL in the world. But she did almost the exact same thing when my oldest was three. So I had to be the bad person and said no, only on special occasion and only when mamma says it's ok. She buys the cheapest product without regard to chemical contents and that's what bothers me. I thought 3 was too young for that stuff too. You have to stress to your kids, always ask mommy first. Mine now knows, anything new grandma brings has to be approved by mommy first.

Sometimes, you have to let little things slide in order to be happy and have a healthy relationship. I used to get all huffy and annoyed at every thing my inlaws did too and it near destroyed us, but now we have a great relationship b/c we set boundaries and then I let things go. Seriously, your mil didn't mean to be manipulative or to offend anyone. She is just having a fun time with her granddaughter.

First of all, Huzzah! to your DH for setting his mom straight.

I'm sure that she didn't mean anything bad at all by her actions. She was just excited to share the experience/fun with your daughter.

However, I completely understand--you wanted to share this with her the first, and had planned to do so, when you felt it was more age-appropriate, and MIL didn't realize she stomped on your toes (I would've felt really hurt, too, if it were my child).

Next time you see her, just say that you're really happy that she's so excited to share the girlhood experiences with your daughter, but that you would appreciate that she run it by her parents first, just to make sure it's okay. And tell her that you think that X age is the age that you want to have her start doing the "girly" things like nail polish.

PS- I just read your "So What Happened" and I would have been outraged and angry if my MIL tried to put make up on my 2yo. That info definitely paints a clearer picture.

So I would say to make it a stronger statement--tell her that right now, you & DH have agreed that she isn't to do her nails until X age and that make-up is a decision that you will be making when she is more mature (like 12 or something).

Life is too short to allow yourself to get upset. She's trying to creat some special cool girl time with her grand-daughter. She's not usurping you - especially if she hinted about it and you said nothing. Let it go....

As for the other stuff - again - makeup on a little girl - she knew your girly-girl would like it - she wants to have fun with her granddaughter - let her. And as for the letting the door close - really - she's excited to see her grandkids and son. Is she as close to you as them - of course not. I have two married nieces with babies - and frankly we are excited to see the babies, then my nieces and then their husbands, - in that order. I knew my MIL was alwasy more excited to see my kids, then my DH then me - in that order - and I didn't take it personally - it's completely normal. Trust me your mom feels the same way about seeing your kids, you & your husband.

My sister always teased my mom that once we became pregnant that she was only interested in us as the grandchild-cradle.... ;o) Wait until you're at that age - grandkids are even better than kids!

Besides, how wonderful for you children to feel this sense of adoration & love coming from their grandparents. The more the layers of love around your children the better for them.

Chill re: your MIL - look to the motives and assume she means well. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff and most of it is small stuff.

You are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Relax. It was only nailpolish.
So if she wants to play dress up with your daughter, I do not see the
problem. What fun for your daughter to have a grandma who is having
fun with her!

I thought you were overreacting till I saw your followup. She sounds like a real bulldozer, that MIL. I would not want to hang out with her at all! That said, it's over now, try to let it go, and then take your daughter out to get a pedi with you. I took my 2 year old and it was so much fun. The ladies in the nail shop were so sweet and made cute little flowers on her big toes.

I understand being upset about this, particularly if you think she's doing these things to try to provoke you. Unfortunately, that's all the more reason to take the high road (I know much easier to write it than to do it ;) I don't know what else you could have done in this situation, other than trying to fend it off beforehand. The great thing is that it sounds like you and your husband have a united front, which many do not. I think that you need to continue to be open with him about the relationship with your MIL and your hot buttons (sounds like the whole "beauty product" thing is one of them) without putting him between a rock and a hard place. He shouldn't be made to feel like he's choosing between his wife and his mom. Instead, use him to help you brainstorm the best ways to avoid problems, to address them when they come up and to maintain your composure when required. Finally, keep using this forum to vent when you need to do so - there are plenty like us who understand that sometimes things set us off more than we'd like them to ;)

My MIL used to do things like this all the time. She wanted to be the first to do certain things with my son and used to be offended if my husband or I I did something before she did. I just wanted to cry! My husband sometimes said, "What's the big deal?" But I'm the mommy!!!

I know part of the problem was that I often complained about the small things and he didn't see the big picture which was that she didn't seem to respect my role as mommy, and that really hurt!

I did find that taking the "high road" really did work best. I also tried to focus on all the "firsts" that I got to have. So many of the "firsts" she had have been completely forgotten. She has a good relationship with my boys, but I'm the mommy, I'll always be the mommy.

She was never trying to take that away from me, she was just really excited. I still think she was wrong, but I don't think she was being malicious.

Trying to shut the door in your face - not ok!!! Might want to talk to your husband about that one. But the other things just sound like she was excited to do something fun with her grandkids. Take the "high road." You'll be happier!!!

I'm reading this from a different angle, because I'm one of those people who is very cautious about my and my family's personal "beauty" products -- soap, shampoo, lotion, sunscreen, make up -- you get it. Nail polish is full of carcinogens; this is a known fact. I've had to have the "safe products" battle w/ my MIL; she thinks everything on the market is invariably safe. (Hello! No, it's not)

Anyway, I see teeny tiny girls w/ nail polish and aside from the health aspect that I just wrote about, I guess I'm on the conservative side. I just started letting our daughter (who just turned 6) wear very, very light nail polish because I found some that is healthier and free from Toluene, Formaldehyde, Dibutyl, Phthalates, and Camphor.

It does sound like this is a battle of control w/ your MIL, however. She knows you will say "no" and she wants her way w/ her granddaughter. Hence the big production of the nail polish right in front of you. Kudos to your husband for immediately saying something to her. And what is this about her shutting the door in your face?? My goodness, she sounds like a royal _____. I'd stand your ground. This is more than nail polish. Good luck.

Regarding the polish - regular nail polish is highly toxic. So I do not recommend it. There are brands out now that aren't, so for your first time with your daughter, I'd pick one of those.

I like what your husband said to his mother. Good for him. To lesses your anger, I find it really helpful to learn to not take things personally. She wasn't out to depribe you of your first mother daughter pedicure. And don't let her. She'll rarely remember this if you take control of how you frame this with your daughter. You can even tell her that this a fun thing mothers and daughters do together....and that you wanted to do it with her first. But granny did, and we won't let her spoil our fun. We'll go pick out our own color and make a night of it.

And 3 1/2 is a bit young. At least age 4 seems better.

Hope this may help.

I agree with you. It's your child and you should determine when or if it is appropriate for your child to wear makeup and nail polish. I never allowed people to paint my childrens nails as it blocks oxygen from getting through the nail and cuticle. When my 6 year old came home from a dad visit with makeup all over her face, I carefully washed it off and explained that she was too young for it and as she got older, I purchased makeup for her as well as nail polish. When she was 15, she was allowed to choose for herself what colors she wanted for makeup and nail polish.

Let your husband run interference for you as it's his mother. Thank him for stating it's not her place but yours to determine if your child should have nail polish on or not. Make sure you let him know that she isn't treating you properly and discuss between you appropriate actions to take. Always let him be the Man protecting his wife and be thankful for that.

I think you are being selfish about it and are mad that your MIL did it first instead of you. It is really nice that your MIL wants to spend time with your child and do fun things with her. We all don't have that. I think you should count yourself lucky.

I think a lot of times the reaction depends on the PERSON involved. If my MIL put nail polish on DD, I might be irritated. If my aunt put nail polish on DD, I'd be more upset because MIL wouldn't be trying to get my goat and aunt would be doing it on purpose to annoy me. I think that you have to look at the intent and how your reaction hurts/helps your child. Is it better to just say, "we need to take this off. You're not in trouble. I just don't want you to wear it right now." or "Your stupid grandmother! I can't believe she did this!"

In this case, it sounds like you both did the right thing (DH and you). It's a tough place to be in sometimes. I would find another time for DH (and maybe you, too) to tell MIL that NO more nailpolish would be allowed. My paternal grandmother wanted to make us into human doilies, much to my mom's irritation. I think if MIL wants to live vicariously you're going to have to spell out things you really care about so she's not stepping on toes your daughter's entire childhood.

It also sounds, by re-reading your post, that your MIL doesn't respect you and DH needs to address this with his mother. I would also ask him to limit family interactions unless she can respect you and your place (wife/mother) because that sort of thing is just rude.

She should ask permission that would be my thing...However, Nail polish on a 3.5 year old to me is no big deal and very cute...So I wouldn't have objected.

I would find it to be a big deal. We should not be telling 3 year olds that 'pretty' is the most important thing and that how she is without makeup or nail polish just isn't going to cut it. I'm sure that's not the message MIL is trying to give your daughter, but it is the message little girls get - loud and clear - from all the media they see and now their families.

nail polish is a poison, plain and simple. tell granny that if she puts nail polish on your child again, you will personally make her eat the bottle. kids show up in the emergency room all the time because their granny" had a dream" about putting nail polish on the kid, praised them and told them how pretty they looked only to have to take the child to the hospital because the child eat the polish off their nails and accidentlly poisoned themselves. you need to make certain that your mil understands this throughly.
K. h.

you are lucky to have a husband stand up for you........mil neeeds to be put in line.......i do my gd nails,but with full ok /parents..............
how far will she go as gd gets older? don't be so h*** o* yourself----

Updated

you are lucky to have a husband stand up for you........mil neeeds to be put in line.......i do my gd nails,but with full ok /parents..............
how far will she go as gd gets older? don't be so h*** o* yourself----