14 answers

MIL In Delivery Room??

Okay, so a while back my MIL kinda put me on the spot when she requested (at a family visit with other family around) that she wanted to be in on the birth of our second child coming up soon. She mentioned that it kind of hurt her feelings that I didn't have her in the delivery room with our 1st child (I was 19 and not married to her son and she and I did not have a close relationship at all...her son (my husband now) was there as well as my mom and my sister). I didn't know how to respond and kind of just smiled through it...luckily the subject got changed and I didn't have to give a firm "yes" or "no". My husband and I talked about it and it doesn't matter to him either way but I was still planning on having my mom and sister this time around. My mom is my best friend and biggest support person next to my husband. My sister and I are just as close and I've been in on both of her son's births. My MIL says that she doesn't feel as though she bonded with my son b/c she wasn't in on his birth but she's closer to him than the 3 other grandchildren she has from her own daughter...whose births she DID witness. Long story short...delivery day is close and I need advice on a tactful way to handle this. I tend to play devil's advocate and talk my way into justifying why I should do something for someone else's benefit and end up regretting the decision later! We still do not have a close relationship and she hasn't been very involved in this pregnancy at all...not even coming to the baby shower. I really want a peaceful environment to *TRY* for a natural delivery and since she is very loud and boisterous I'm afraid I'll be a nervous wreck the whole time she's in there! When her and my husband get together they joke around alot and pick on each other. I think it will just make me angry! I know I need to address the situation...I've even thought of hiring a doula so that no one is there but her and my husband and I but that is not fair to my mom who really does a great job coaching and relaxing me. My poor sister has already been warned that MIL might take her place and I just feel awful about that! My sister is an awesome coach too and part of my support system already! AGGHHHH...I could go on forever. Any advice would be much appreciated. I DO love my MIL and have no other issues with her what-so-ever...this is just a really weird predicament. Not to mention...do I really want her seeing me down there?? LOL. Thanks in advance for your help!

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

WEELLLLL....my son was born on March 7th and I'll tell ya what...things just kind of worked themselves out! I was 2 weeks early and we hadn't had a chance to sit down with my MIL for our little "talk". It ended up that my labor progressed so rapidly that when the time came to push they just let my husband, mom, sister and MIL stay in the room. She was on her best behavior...actually standing at my head rather than trying to help at fist. When she offered to help my mom "faked" being tired of holding my leg and let her do it so that she would feel a part of the delivery since she was doing so well! :) I could tell that it really meant alot to her to be in there and I kinda felt selfish for actually thinking of depriving her of the experience. It's funny what we become obstinate about during pregnancy! It's actually kind of brought US closer together. She came to visit me and the baby at home when we got out of the hospital and though we only live about 35 minutes away from eachother, this was the first time she's visited us at our house in about 2 years! So, I thank you all for your advice...you really helped validate my feelings on the issue and I just thank God that the situation worked so wonderfully without me having to open my big mouth and cause problems!! :)

More Answers

AAAAHHHHHH! It's your baby, your delivery. You can have whomever you want in the room. You aren't obligated to have anyone there, even if they want to be. Just tell her nicely that you really need your mom, sis and hubby there, and that you can't have any more than that in the room. She'll probably be pissed, but she'll get over it. You are not obligated to her AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE BIRTH OF YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be tough,
GOOD LUCK!
april

2 moms found this helpful

Tell your MIL not to worry, this delivery is more about the "help they are going to give you"... and not because they are the only people that are most important to baby... therefore she should not look at it as if they are only there to witness the birth, but to give you support thru this process in which you need all whom are your most needed support.
YOu can tell her, "listen, I love you and you are very important to baby.. "baby will love you the minute you hold him/her because it will be the love you give baby that will count from that moment on... not weather you are there on delivery or not... the delivery is really my time to peacefully bring baby to this world, but it doesn't mean I want everyone in the family there... I hope you understand that this has nothing to do with who is most important to baby, but it is more about who is most essential to providing me with what I need during that time of delivery.. and my mother and sister, and your son, are the support that *I need* to have that day... not to mention you are a great mother in law, but I do hope you undertand this is more about how I feel about who I need there for me as they are my coaches" etc. You can tell her in your own words offcourse, but basically you need to let her understand that your mom and sis, know exactly what to do to help you,and that you "need" them.. and it has nothing to do that they just want to see the baby first.. but that they are there to help you ease the pain. I mean that should sum it up. But tell her, that she can be the first to see baby right after.. that might ease her feeling of wanting to hold baby right away for bondness. But really, it is what happens during the time after that counts to her closeness to baby, not that she was present during birth. I think the only one that really matter in the bondness of baby is mother and father.. just because they are the creators of life, and therefore seeing baby born is their awakening as to the pain and love it all involves.. you offcourse love baby as mother, and father in turn loves you for all the hard work you did to have the baby.. But it's all how it feels after too.. father can be present at birth and have no involvement whatsoever.. so it really is about their involvement with baby once they are born...
Birth is your time with baby.. You can share that with your hudband because he is the creator of life.. and then after that.. whoever is there should be for support, and support only.. not just because they want to see baby be born. That is something very intimate and only you should be the one to choose who you want to be by your side..
I know I was not one to be so kind while giving birth.. so having people around me, would have put my nerves up the wall... so you really need people that would help you calm down, and ease you thru that time. Make this your choice... not hers. This is your time.

Good luck with making her understand that. And even if she doesn't, well, it's tough luck for her.. because you should not have someone there just because they want to see baby be born.. then you might have the whole family there making you nervous in this very personal time for you and baby.

Best wishes on a very calm delivery!

C.

1 mom found this helpful

OMG....when I was prego with my 1st (Madison) I felt the same way...my mom and dad (dad was by my head where he could not see a thing!!!) were in the room with my hubby. The topic was brought up with my MIL but I felt the SAME WAY! Do I really want her to see me THERE!!!! The issue was not brought up with my second. We had her watch our 1st while we were at the hospital and told her we would call her. There were no hard feelings and no guilt trips. I would not replace your sis with her at all. Sounds like you already know what you want to do...go with it. Is there a way you would need her to watch your oldest while you are giving birth so she feels like she is helping? Otherwise....I would agree with Cherie, tell her the Dr. is only allowing a certain amount of people in the room (this is probably true anyway) and that you had to limit the number of people. This is NOT why she "does not feel bonded with your oldest" that is totally a guilt trip - don't fall for that. Do what is best for you during this very precious time. Surround yourself only with those people who will make the whole process very peaceful and happy. I would have your husband talk to her since this is his mom so you don't look like the bad guy too. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

In my opinion, it's your birthing experience and you should have it your way. Whatever you are most comfortable with (sorry MIL). I have three children of my own and I did not want anyone in the room except my husband and doctors of course, and I don't regret it. I didn't even want my husband seeing me down there, let alone anyone else. I think you have answered your own question of how to handle it with MIL. I think you should have your mom and sister and husband only. If this is what makes you comfortable, than do it. And let MIL know this is what you prefer. She should respect your wishes as any 'mother' should. She will be hurt, but will have to get over it....sorry MIL :-(

1 mom found this helpful

Hi--when I have a family in my Birth Center, and more people are there than mom wants, I make sure everyone is comfortable in the family room. I give updates on labor progress if mom desires. Frequently mom becomes receptive to all support people. The operative phrase is support people. Because it's a Birth Center, we're very relaxed and peaceful. We provide a doula at each birth, and she directs all the support.
If you are planning a hospital birth and "trying" to have a natural birth, the odds are against you!
If you desire to review your true options, feel free to call me at the birth center (North Houston Birth Center, 7007 North Freeway) ###-###-#### or directly on my cell ###-###-####
good luck, Kathy

1 mom found this helpful

Hi-
Go with your gut instincts. This is a special moment that you do need a quiet, unselfish support system with. Obviously, if she's held these feelings for a while, since your son is 8 years old. I feel she's said her peace and your husband doesn't care either way.
My situation was the same (but with first child) and my SMOTHER - in law tried to hint her way into the planning - constantly. I ended up telling her and my husband that I'd already asked my sister and that was all I could handle having in there. You could say, which sounds like it's true, that you had already asked your sister and mom at the time she brought it up, but didn't want to say in front of everyone.
If you do this, just make SURE you tell the staff of your wishes, lest you end up with your MIL opening the door while your pushing and trying to get into the room, like I did!! ARRRGGH!

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Don't make that day any harder and more stressful than it has to be, just tell your mother in law " i love you and if i could have a fourth person in there it would be you, but i cannot, and i need my mom, your son and my sister there for me at this most painful time" if you do feel somewhat obligated(which you shouldn't) then let your sister and mother in law switch off. when i gave birth to my daughter i was only allowed 3 people in the room as well, but i wanted 4, so when my daughter crowned my third took her exit to the waiting room quietly and told my fourth it was time. it all went as planned, but there is no reason why you should come to this decision feeling obligated. all 4 of the people i let in my room wanted badly to be there but i also wanted them there as well, that is why i organized it that way, because it was easier on all parties involved but most importantly MYSELF. good luck to you

1 mom found this helpful

THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME - and my husband wouldn't back me up on it! It's a VERY vulnerable time and it's YOUR body. UGH! Some people's AUDACITY! Anyhow, I told my dr. the problem. He said to bring my husband to the next appt and he would tell him that he didn't want that many people in the delivery room. IT WORKED! My husband was disappointed, but he called his mom and said that the dr. and hospital had a policy and that the room was at capacity. Of course, she harbored ill feelings toward my mom and sister because I let them in. BUT COME ON! They are my family and they've seen me naked a MILLION times - they've seen me at my most vulnerable. THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE. GOOD LUCK!

1 mom found this helpful

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