Who Should Be in the Delivery Room?

I've only read a few of the responses, but the important thing is for you to be comfortable with whatever arrangement is made as to who is to be in the room. If you want your mom in there, have her in there. If you don't want her in there, don't have her in there. Same for the fiance, the nurses, etc... (unfortunately, if you are in a hospital, you have to have a doctor/CNM in there to deliver, you don't have a whole lot of say on that, unless another doctor is able to come in and take over for you.) The important thing is that you can stay calm and "relaxed" (or as much as can be expected during labor) so that the baby has a better delivery. If you get stressed out, it will stress out the baby. I say all this because my first delivery was a little stressful. I had my DH with me, and I didn't like the dr 100% (don't have many options in my town) and there was a nurse (not my nurse, but the head nurse) who came in and kept telling me I was doing everything wrong but not helping the situation at all. She had me stressed out and mad. My son was born finally and had a low blood oxygen level and was under oxygen for about 6 hours before I got him back. I really believe that it was because of that nurse in there stressing me out. My second delivery went 100% better. I liked the person who was delivering, and the head nurse was told to stay out of my room. The nursing staff even double checked because she would have been the back up for delivering had my CNM not been able to make it. Without the stress from the one nurse who'd been bothering me, my delivery went tons better and my baby was born without any problems. I got her right away! So, no matter what anyone else says, you do what you want when it comes to who you have in there. And don't be afraid to kick anyone out. If someone is stressing you out, send them out. Make them go on a long errand if need be. And good luck to you!

Unless it's really an issue for the two of you (well three I suposse) go with the flow. Talk about it together- but see how everyone feels at the time. You don't know now what you may want/need then! I am a labor doula and this is a common issue with first time parents. Unless your BF just says "No, I don't want her in there" then just decide when the time comes. For my first baby my mom was there for most of the labor and actualy decided to leave for the delivery- when she had planned on staying. (At that point hubby & I were so "tuned-in" to labor there could have been a circus in there! lol!) You will know whats right. Put this on the things for later... you have other things to handle right now. :) Give your self permision to make a decision & also to change your mind! Don't feel bad about it!

Congrats!
(btw, my second baby was born at home- it was amazing! And mom had taken our first to the mall)

What do YOU want???? What makes you most comfortable in the delivery room is most important. If a special moment shared by you and the baby's father is what you want, let your mom know the two of you want to, and she can be there immediately after, if you feel more comfortable with your mom there, tell your fiance' you want them both there.

I was able to bring my husband and my mother in with me for the natural birth. With the advice of my DR. I had to go and have a c-section. I was only allowed to have 1 person with me for that.

My huband wasn't so sure he wanted my mother with me at first then afterwords he thank me. He liked having someone there so when he was hungry or had to go to the bathroom he could, knowing I wasn't alone.

If your only allowed 1 person to go with you I would diffently pick the father, because you don't want to deny him from seeing his baby being born. Its a special moment that you two can share. And It'll bring the two of you closer than you are now! Your mother will understand. She'll be able to see her in the hour.

You are going to be going thru alot of different emotions. The birth of your child is a very special time for bonding. I feel that if the father wants to be there he should take priority over anyone else. Everyone else should wait in the waiting room.

Wow lots of people responded to this..I did not read all the advice here but i would like to say a few things about daddys in the delivery room the first time...Its pretty scary for them whether they want to admit it or not.And they normally feel like there ego is on the line different people expect different things from there husbands. He may feel like your mom will have her thumb on him and will feel negatively about how he acts etc.My husband wanted it to be a small afair as well and i think the bonding time was awesome i never felt closer to my husband before he caught the baby and says that was the best moment in his whole life. So if it is your babys daddy and you are planning to marry I would definately recommend telling your mom to wait in the waiting room and you will call her if you need her.If labor is getting long and you need a extra hand she will be able to come and help you oterwise you can have more an intimente moment. Thats just my 2 cents from a mommy who cant wait to birth the next one! lol

I had my husband and my mother in the room until the actual delivery. Then it was just my husband (and the midwife and nurse, of course).

Honestly, when I have more kids, I think it will just be my husband in there the whole time. My mom was great, but I just feel like I'll be more comfortable without her there next time.

I had my hubby and my Mom in with both of my girls' births. Although my husband was very involved in the labor and delivery and pregnancy I just felt so much better with "Mom" in the room as well. It seemed to ease my pain just knowing she was there with me. It should be your choice and if you really want your Mother in the room your fiancee should understand. Grandparents only get to experience this once in a lifetime!

I suppose there's not a right or wrong answer. Our personal preference was to only have my husband and I in the room. It is an amazing moment that we wanted to share just between us. I say take both of your feelings into consideration. If he is uncomfortable with there being more people, I would respect his wishes, then let your mom come in right after the baby is born.

Congrats on the new little one. Enjoy every moment, then go fast!

I think it depends upon how close you are to your mother, whether she's someone that is nervous about things and will only add to your stress (that would be my mother) and how well your fiancee gets along with your mother. If he doesn't then the stress in the room will not be good at all. Also, keep in mind that it's not the greatest idea for you to stay your entire time in the delivery room on your back. I asked to be allowed to walk around. They let me for 45 minutes out of every hour. That helped ALOT with the contractions. For that, maybe have your mother walk with you. It also depends upon how you react to the situation. Due to the walking, I had a very, very quick labor and delivery - around 4 hours from the time I checked myself in (I was having contractions at my appt that day and the doctor's office was next to the hospital).

I tend to almost entirely focus inward and really didn't want much of anyone around. My husband was only there to get something if I needed it or to get someone (nurse, etc.) if I needed them to get something (e.g., ice chips).
My husband barely got there in time. In that case, it would have been nice to have someone else around. But, for me, my mother would not have been my choice.

IF you decide not to let your mother in the delivery room, then assure her that she gets to be the first one after you and hubby to hold the baby after birth and she will be a great help in terms of sharing the visiting with your husband while you're in the hospital. It's really nice to have someone there to escort baby to and from the nursery. I only sent the baby there when I was alone and needed to shower or when they needed to check his status - he was a large baby, so they were looking out for diabetes. Also, having someone in the room with you and the baby afterwards will allow you to get some necessary rest without worrying about the baby.

Also, if you plan on breastfeeding, make sure they let you do so as soon as possible right after birth (i.e., in the delivery room). That really helps to kickstart the process and helps meet the baby's initial needs for that connection as many will be very sleepy in the early days. The more frequent nursing in the early days really, really helps to establish your milk supply and you'll end up with a baby that likely eats well, gains weight well and also sleeps well.

For my first baby I had my mother and my hubby in there with me. It was really nice for my hubby after our son was born, because he went with the baby to the nursery and did not feel like he was "leaving me" to get cleaned up. He said that if my mother had not been there he would have really felt torn about who to be with! It really gets busy and crazy at times and it is nice to have an extra pair of hands to squeeze during those contractions! Good luck and enjoy your new addition!

My husband wanted it to be just the 2 of us and i did too actually. My mom was in visiting with me inthe room before i went into labor and that being my first child i had know idea really how the process worked. I mean i saw all the videos went to classses etc... But it doesn't come close to the real thing. Anyway, i was have minor contractions and my mom was still in the room and then bam i was in heavy labor and i was nto even thinking about my mom being in there, let alone with it enough to tell her to leave the room. Granted she should ahve left since we'd already talked about it but i know she really wanted to be in there. Anyway, needless to say she stayed and she loved it. She thanked me over and over and she has the closest connection to my daughter now. But...... My husband never let me forget. He wanted it to be us and he felt uncomfortable with her in there. The next 2 were ok. Second no one made it at all she came too fast. The 3rd was scheduled b/c the other 2 were so fast. That time my mom watched the other 2 and it was just my husband and i. Nayway, whatever you decide.... Make sure you work out the details ahead of time. Tell your mom what you expect, this subject can cause and has caused soem not so nice family fued. Also be sure to tell your husband that if it happens like mine that you may not be in the right mind set (you are a little busy)and he will need to ask anyone to leave and he will have to step up. I would also suggest you tell your nurse and that can really take the pressure off you and your husband and let teh hospital take the heat. Good luck and enjoy. It really is fast and incredible.

if your fiance has a very strong opinion about it just being the 2 of you then i would keep it that way. if you are both open to the idea of your mom being in there then you should talk about the possibility of asking your mom if she'd like to join in on the fun. personally, the more the merrier. for my first, i had the same opinion....like it might be this intimate, romantic time being in labor and pushing out a baby. well, it wasn't (especially w/out drugs) and our moms were there for the whole labor and then they just never left, so they ended up seeing the whole show, and they helped hold my legs in place, and encouraged me right along side of my husband. then for baby #2 we had a home birth and i couldn't imagine them being anywhere else but right beside me. i think you'll always have these expectations of the first time you have a baby, but it usually happens very differently!!
good luck!
S.

My mother lives locally and was there for the entire delivery of my 1st born. My husband was there also playing his major roll and he didn't mind having her there to support us both. My thoughts are that since your mother is making the long journey to be here that it should be no big deal for your fiancee to allow her to be involved in this joyous event.

Hope it works out and wishing you the best on your delivery.

Have you read The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy? Hilarious book by Vicki Iovine; here is her advice on the subject of whom to bring to the delivery:

"...do seriously consider bringing a Girlfriend to the hospital with you when you go in to have your baby. ANy warm, loving Girlfriend will do, but she would be particularly spectacular if she herself had at some point given birth. As I have been saying since I started this book, having babies is women's work, and having other women around to reassure you, gossip with you, and encourage you is invaluable. If you are really, really lucky, you might have a Girlfriend like Amy, who massaged my feet whenever I had a contraction. I will never forget her calm and tireless presence. Perhaps you are thinking to yourself that labor and delivery are a private time, for only a husband and wife to share. You worry that you will break the mystical spell by having anyone other than the cocreator od this baby in the room with uou. News flash! First, your room will be anything but private, even if you have a so-called private room. Before your obstetrician arrives, you will probably have several complete strangers with their hands up inside you. The anesthesiologist will come and go, a nurse or two will be there, and at the end of their shift, the will be replaced by other nurses. Second, labor goes on and on and on, wearing out even the most dedicated partner. About five hours into it, you guy will probably be down the hall chatting with his newfound friends in the waiting room, and you will be watching Survivor in between your contractions. Rather than rage at your mate for tiring of the this tedium and mentioning for the third time that he is hungry, give the guy a break and have a Girlfriend come sit with you. If you want to preserve a sacred moment, clear everyone but your partner (who is probably having a doughnut and coffee at this point) out of the room when your doctor tells you it is time to push. Then the two of you can share becoming the three of you."

My own two cents: when the dudes start having the babies, then they can have an opinion on who gets to be in the room. Until then, it's up to you.

My first thought was to just have me and hubby in the room, but I wouldn't have gotten the pictures of everything going on that I really wanted. I had my mother in law in the room also, but warned her to stay waist up! Ha ha! She was fine with that. My hubby's not a good pic taker so I needed someone else to help out!

I thought I wanted my first delivery to be just myself and my hubby. However, I let my mom stay once she got there after the epidural. It turned out to be a great decision. My dear husband, who is great at most things, turned out to be pretty distractable when it came to pushing. My mom on the other hand had been there and knew how to get her job done. My husband was so excited and nervous that he kept losing focus on helping me while watching the "blessed event." It was almost like when they are watching tv and all other social functions cease. My mom helped me to the end and then she was there to stay with me while my husband went with the baby. It's good that he went with the baby through all postpartum stuff, even though they did it all in the room, I still would have felt quite deserted without my mom. She let me know when they weighed him, how he was doing, fingers, toes, and all the stuff I forgot in the first few seconds before they whisked him away. Even at that point my job wasn't done. There was still afterbirth to deliver and the lovely stitches. It's nice to have someone with you while you're stuck there at the end. At that point you are in the boring side of the room. You really want to be with your baby where all the action is, but you just can't.

My mom was such a help that I had her back for the second go around. My husband was still distractable, and this time it was the middle of the night. He's not to good without his sleep. Besides, my husband is wary of blood, so Grandma got to cut the cords.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is great. We're on the same page with discipline, privileges, money, and morals. He's a great daddy, but the delivery room just doesn't highlight that part of his personality.

My husband and I just wanted it to be us. This was our moment. Our parents were all at the hospital during the process. They came and visited at appropriate times. It was nice to have them there for the event,but not the "big show". My husband and I were able to have some private family time before introducing our son to the family. I don't think I would have traded that for the world.

We made sure to tell our families what we wanted early. I know my mother understood, but I think she was a little disappointed. I think telling her early helped her deal with the initial disappointment, but she was terrific about the whole thing. I think every couple has to do what works for them and I know my mom understood that!

We are due for baby number 2 next month and we are going the same route. The only difference is before the family gets to meet our little girl, her big brother will get some time with her first.

Congratulations!!

This is 100 Percent up to you! Although feelings might be hurt this is about what you NEED to get you through this. With my first it was just my husband and I for oh about the first half. I thought that I was going to die. My husband just did not know me as well as my mom and his idea of helping me to realx was to say "just relax" My mom was able to talk me through relaxing and distract me so much better. Then with our second it was totally ok to do it without my mom, my husband had learned from the pro and he then could do the same thing my mom did. I have not NEEDED my mom since that first time and with my last and with this one it has been and will be my husband and I and our kids. It makes it a specail family time and it is great.

I believe strongly in it took only you 2 to make the baby you 2 should be the ones to bring the child in. My sister and her husband share that belief,(7 home births between us) our mom is not happy about that but it's our body and our life. And we have to live with our husbands not mom so if someone is going to be mad do you really want it to be the person you live with?
Brightest Blessings

My mother has witnessed all of her 11 grandchildren being born and it means alot to her. It's up to you, but I think it's a very special moment to share with your mother. She birthed you, how special is it that she get to witness her baby have a baby?!

speaking as a mother who watched my gkids being born, it was a beautiful experience and I'm thankful my daughter allow me to be in the room.
My son and his wife are expecting thier first, and she wants just the two of them. I respect it, don't like it, but I respect that. LOL
so the bottom line is you are the one havign the baby, the daddy and you are the 2 most important people and if you want to be by youself your mother should respect that.

Hey back when I deliever my 2 kids no one could be in the room. Not even the daddy. Bond btw grandparents, and baby were very close, no problems. Bond btw daddy and baby was up to daddy to make just like it was for the grandparents.

so again it your choice and if no one likes your choice that tought and they need to grow up and deal with it.

Wishing you the best... your mom I bet wants to be there no matter if it in the waiting room or watching the birth, then to help you like the first week, if your husband can't. Take it for it will be a help.. Be honest with yoru mom about she won't be in the labor room, don't tell her at the last min. then if yofu change your mind and do want her there that great too.

Hugs and best wishes.

The fiancee. Your Mom has been there done that :)

I can understand your fiancee wanting this to be a "couple" time but for that first child, not being able to have your mom there is something that you will forever have in your mind and it will cause some down emotions and possible some resentment. I say this from experience. My son was born premature by 3 months and I did not have my mom there. I was so emotional because I needed my mom. For my second child, my family was there but had to leave almost immediately after her birth. I remember sitting on the side of my bed just crying because I wanted my mom. This is a special time for you and your fiancee but it is also a special time as you present your mom with your first child.

Find a compromise that will have all happy as the birth is a going to be a wonderful day that you do not want shadowed by hard feelings and resentments. If your fiancee is not willing to compromise, I would seriously wonder why and then make it about what you want because your comfort is what will matter in the end. Congrats and good luck!!

A.,

I was in labor for 19 hours before they finally decided a c-section was necessary. While I was in labor in the birthing room, my husband, mother, and one of my sisters was with me. It was great to have them in there but sometimes when you were having the cervical exams, it was really not comfortable having my mother and sister in there. They offered good advice but towards the end I was just cranky and frankly not wanting to hear any of their advice! I was almost glad to have to get a c-section to let the final momemt be just my husband's and mine. I am very close with my mother and sister. I speak with them at least 1-2 times a day each but it was so special to look in my husband's eyes and know our new little family was right there.

Hi A.,

When I had my little girl my husband and my sister were in the only ones in the room besides the nurses and doctors. I wouldn't have even had my sister in the room, but she is a labor and delivery nurse. My opinion would be to let it just be you and your fiancee. It is a very special moment that you two should share. Your mom can be the first one in after she is born. After I had my daughter not 30 min later my room was filled with about 25 people. Good luck with the decision.

sounds like you already have a few responses! lol, but I just wanted to let you know that I think your mom should be in there with you when you deliver. BC I know that you are engaged but legally you have no bonding agreement with your fiancee. In the absolute worst situation if he leaves you and you have him in the delivery room give the baby's last name etc....then you will regret it forever!!!
Although I was never engaged. My dd bio signed his rights away when she was born and has never been a part of my life while i was pg with her nor has he ever seen her. But anyways it sounds harsh but guys always know what to tell you to have you think you are the one for them, but we don't ever look at the real picture bc it can be brutal and mean.
If you think he will stick around..... So if I were you I would have your mom with you and your fiancee can wait patiently outside. My mom was with me in the delivery room and it was an amazing connection that I had when my dd was born. She got to cut the umbilical cord etc...it was amazing, but you do what you think is best. That is just my personal opinion of what you should do.

As a grandparent, check with your hospital. Usually now a days the room they put you in to labor is also the delivery room unless you have to go to surgery. If this is the case then you can have several people in there. If not and they take you to a different room to actually deliver ask your fiancee to allow your mother to be in the labor room as much as possible. It is a natural mother thing to want to be there and comfort you and give you help and advice during this time. When it is time to go to the delvery room your mother will be hurt but if she is crying it is not because she can not go it is because her baby is having a baby. If it is a combo labor and delivery then explain to your fiancee that you want to share in this with your family and delivery is a very happy special yet scary time and you WANT YOUR MOMMY. As long as mom can stand back and let him be the coach and the supporter then he should not have a problem. It broke my heart when my daughter chose her fiancee to go to surgery with her but I waited and got over it. So I would recommend you first check with the hospital for their policy and I always recommend taking a tour first anyway so you are more at ease with where you are and your surroundings before the big day. Congratulations and have a wonderful delivery.

Anyone you want- who makes you feel comfortable. I know it is strange but My husband, mother and father were all there at my side for our 1st son and my Mother and husband were there for our 2nd son. My husband didn tunderstand my father being there but It was important to me as a kid my Dad always made any boo boo better and I wanted him there. Also my parents taught lamaze as a team my entire life, it just made sense to me. It is up to you!

A.,

For my husband and I it was him, my mom and I only. However we had already discussed this since this was our 1st child and my moms 1st grandchild. We didn't know that the Dr was going to let my husband actually deliver his own son so for us it was a great and very special moment that we shared privately and probley if my mom hadn't been there helping coach me he wouldn't have had the opportunity to get talked through delivering our son. It's a personal decision but if you both have differnt ideas you need to get it figured out before that day so there are no arguements, if he doesn't want you rmom there ask him and and let him know why you do want he there if only for the reason that she is your mom. Good luck and congrats.

K., mom of a wonderful 9 mos old and happily married for 9 yrs

My two cents is you and your fiance where the only ones there in the "making of the baby". So you two should be the only one there when he/she comes out. Grandma can come in right after delivery.

Good Luck...do whatever you feel most comfortable. I know with my first I didn't want anyone but my husband. My second my mom was in there when they broke my water then she had to leave to go pick up my 1st kid from preschool, and I didn't care at that point who was in there, just get her out was all I was thinking.

This is really a matter of personal choice. I don't think there is one right answer for you in this case. For me, I preferred my Husband only. But our family dynamics are a bite complicated and I was afraid my Husband would be over powered by my Mother in what is the most amazing time of you and your fiancee's life. If she won't be a stresser for you and you would feel better with her being there then talk to your fiancee and see what makes him uncomfortable about the idea. It is his moment too but at the same time you are the one who needs all the support and strength you can get in that moment! Your Mother may be disappointed at first if you choose not to have her in there but once that little one arrives all will be forgotten I promise! :-) And if you choose to have her in there, your fiancee may end up being releived to have the additional help and support.

Good luck!

I think it is very important that you honor your fiance's request. Here is what ends up happening in the delivery room...you will turn to your mother for comfort and help instead of to him. And he will resent it not being a special time for the two of you. And unless he has (not you!) a VERY close and special bond with your mother, then I would have your mother come in and out while you are laboring, then have her out while you are actually pushing/delivering, then have her back in when you have someone for her to meet.

V. S

Hi A., congratulation. I am a grandmother of 7 & have 2 daughters. I have 2 views on the subject from experience. My oldest & her husband chose to be the only ones in the room at the time of delivery. We were allowed to stay until the last minute then we went out & waited with all 4 of Hers. My youngest daughter let me be in there with all 3 of hers.
There are other grandparents too & everyone can't be in the room. I understood that & was a little hurt at first but as a Mother, I wouldn't take that precious moment away from my daughter & her husband for the world. That is a bonding you will never experience again. They are all special.
My second daughter chose both me & her husband with the first child I ran the vidio cam. from up above the bedside. With the next 2 she chose me & her sister instead of the fiancee and I was honored to be there.
The bottom line is it is your choice. Talk it over with your Mother, she may chose not to be in there anyhow but stay during your labor. I feel sure she will love & respect your wishes whatever you decide. Good luck & I pray you have an easy delivery & a healthy baby girl.
God Bless you All.

This is really a tough one. On one hand I believe your fiance should have a say in who is in the delivery room when your baby is born. However, YOU are the one who is having the baby and you may feel the need for extra support during delivery. This is something the two of you must discuss fully before the day comes. You may want to ask him how he would feel about planning to have your mother stand by in the waiting room, but have the option of calling her in if you need her.

And another thought, check with your doctor and the hospital to see if there are any restrictions on how many people they allow in the delivery room. Your choice may be already made for you.

I personally didn't want anyone else at the hospital, never mind in the delivery room when my baby was born. I wanted it just to be me, my husband and our new little baby. Then after a couple of hours of alone time, we invited the other family members to come visit.

This is such a personal choice, I hope ya'll can agree on something to please everyone.

I'm with your fiance'. This is a special, personal and bonding time for you two as a couple with your new baby.

This is your new family and I would respect his wishes.

As someone else said, there is not a right or wrong answer. It is a personal choice that should be made jointly as a couple.

Best wishes.

Our culture tends to be attached to our Mothers and bend at their every wim.....however, being a new mom at 35...I realized it was my hubby's baby and I respected his preference of wanting to be the only one....I think it was a very special time for us.....and my mother waited patiently outside and followed her new grandson all the way to the nursery. If he is the support and love of your life there shouldn't be a question of who should be by your side. The daddy should.....woohoo....and congratulations on your soon to be marriage and new baby!!!!

I just had my husband in there. It's your choice...no matter whose feelings get hurt.

For me, it was a very special moment for just my husband and me. After all, we were the only ones around 9 months earlier when it all started! :) My mother and I are extremely close, but she 100% understood that we wanted it to be just the two of us. She was in there earlier in the process, when I was battling contractions all night, when I got the epidural, etc. But as soon as the doctor and nurses starting prepping the room for the delivery to really start, we had already all agreed that it would be just the mommy & daddy to be. In fact, our doctor asked us about this a few months before and even offered to be the "bad guy" in case we had any family members who wouldn't comply and had to be "thrown out." Luckily, we didn't need to use his offer, but I did think it was a good way to handle things if that was necessary.

Good luck & God bless - you are in for such a wild and wonderful ride!

I would def want my mom there but that's just me. If you do, your fiancee should understand. I would just make it very clear to your mom to be quiet and stay out of the way (as nice as you can of course). That way your fiancee will feel more involved.

That is a tough decision. When I was in labor with my daughter her father and my mother were in the room. When I had my son 8 yrs later, my husband did not want my mother in the room. He thought he would be more personal if it were just us two. We argued over this for 8 1/2 months until I asked my doctor how many people could be in the room and he said only one other person. Of course, it was my husband. I felt awful that my mother was not in the room. In the end though, you are going home with your husband and not your mother. Let me know what you decide.

Dear A.,
Frankly, I have had two children and I do not think you want anyone in the delivery room except your Doctor and nurse. IT is not anything you would want a boy friend to see. You want all the attention from your Doctor.
Good luck with your baby.
MK

I may be biased on this but I think it is your call. You are the one in pain and needs alot of support in getting through this tough time. I know dads need to be involved also, but at this point you are the main focus and getting through labor with what you feel is necessary or needed should be the main focus. If she is going to help be a coach or you rely heavily on her for emotional support, or are very close than I say you need to do what you need to do to have as much help as needed when you are stretched to your max. If you aren't really that close and she is just wanting to be there for the thrill of seeing her first grandchild, not necessarily to be a coach, but more of a spectator than I say you need to maybe consider if she will be a help or a hindrance. I don't think it amounts to following his wishes or not, but taking them into consideration, and why he has them. He may want it to be just you and he for the big moment, but if he is truly putting your needs first during this difficult and exhausting time, then he will realize that you may need more support than he can give. But, if he sees that you and your mother don't get along well, or she monopolizes the situation over him at other times, or she will be more aggravating than a help...then you need to heavily consider his point of view.
The other scenario to consider is this...how much help or support is she if she lives in California? Who will help you when she is gone? If (God forbid) you and your fiancee don't stay together will she help you with the baby? My thoughts on those last 3 questions are this: sometimes we choose people but we really put more importance on the relationship than is truly how it is in reality. If you are going to let her in just because she is your mom, or because she expects it or you don't want to fight with her, than you may think about whether you really need her to be in there in the room. If your mother not being there is going to really upset her and you guys are really close, then you need to consider that and who would help you if things didn't work out. Would it be your mother? Would you be able to move to California for her to help you? For me the answer would be no. Although, I love my mom, we just aren't that close and it would not be worth causing conflict with me and my hubby. She might help temporarily for any emergency, or if I seperated from my hubby etc. but she would not be my first relative to call, or that I do call, when I need help or something happens. So, in this situation I would go with keeping her out. But if you are close and you hurt her feelings or alienate her you may have problems later on when/if you need help of some kind. She may be hurt or slighted. She may carry grudges or have a long memory. The same could be said of your fiancee. Do you risk alienating him with your choice or making him feel left out, like this is a woman thing? How sensitive is he? Is there another way to include him and have all your needs met? Is he really being selfish and is it a control issue? Does he truly understand the process and your needs for your mom to be there or not???
I know that when I was in labor my hubby and one other family member was there. Some other family members were offended that I didn't pick them to be the other labor coach, but it isn't a popularity contest, it was about what I needed at the time. Not who felt like they had earned it throughout my life. I have 3 sons,oldest is 13 and I still hear flack about why so and so didn't get chosen, and how it really hurt their feelings. But the key here is that they are being selfish and totally centered around themselves and not me and what my needs would be or were at the time. Obviously if I had thought they would have been a good labor coach than I would have chosen them. They have totally accepted the kids, not a problem, but I still hear things from time-to-time. With that being said, maybe I didn't pick them because of these same attitudes???HHHHMMMM??? And I still stand by my decisions to what was right for me at the time and to make sure I had what I needed to bring that wonderful life into this world. I also don't think the other labor coaches took away from the experience. They queitly bowed out as soon as their job was done to let me and my hubby bond with the baby. It may also be that your mom may need to be told her role and place in the labor process, that it should not take away from your fiancee's experience.
You are the only one that can answer the questions about what you want or need during labor. And with your first you may not even know what those needs are. But I can also tell you that if your mother has given birth, obviously, then she may have some inkling of what you will be going through and can be a great resource for you if your fiancee flakes out. Alot of men think they can handle it until it comes down to the nitty gritty. Can he stand seeing you in pain? That is usually a deal breaker with men, seeing their lady in pain that they can't stop or help or control. Can he stand the sight of blood? Some think they can, but this is not a cut finger. Many have gotten light headed or passed out. What about if it takes a long time? Can he go the distance when you are more fatigued than him. What about if you are nasty to him during labor like some of us get? Can he not take it literally or personally what you say or do during this time.
These are just some thoughts. People being in the labor room for me was not taken lightly. It is a stressful, painful, joyous, wonderful time. Nothing else in the world has compared to giving birth to my 3 sons.
Only you can answer all these questions. I merely wanted to point out some scenarios to think about and some things to consider in you decision. I think you will find many that say kick mom out and their reasons would be good for them, there will be just as many that will say they couldn't have done it without both dear old mom and hubby by their side and justification for having both. Really it boils down to what you need and what you are comfortable with and the relationships you have with those people. And hate to say it waht your future relationships might be. This should not be about control or a power struggle or a popularity contest. I would think that if they both love you as much as they say they do, than your needs will come first and they will respect your wishes whatever they may be. If they don't, then that is your answer. It isn't about you or the experience, It was all about them and getting their way. Not what your true needs were. If my true needs were that my mom would stress me out, then she should understand and not take it personal. She doesn't have to like or agree, just accept and respect my decision.
If you do keep her out, is there something else that can be a first that she can do to smooth things over like dress the baby for the first time in the outfit, or help with the first bath? Same with fiancee? They usually let the daddy cut the umbilical cord and hold the baby first or second. Some lay on moms chest first. Some give to dad to take to mom. Is there something that only he can do to remain in the loop and feel connected.
Having a baby is a thing he can never do. Many want to be extremely involved. Which is great, but since they really can't understand what happens they can never be truly as involved as they like. It truly is a woman thing. A club he can never be a part of. He can get close but no cigar. With that said, he may want you to make decisions that don't quite meet your needs, because he truly has no idea what is involved and never will. But likewise, you want him to feel connected.
Just know in the end you have considered all angles and have not made the decision lightly. That is the best that you can hope for, and hope that they all love and respect you enough to accept your decisions.
Sorry this is so long.....
BUT SUPER CONGRATULATIONS on the BABY!!!!! I am so happy for you. There is nothing like it in the world.
Had 3 boys, 9 pounds and larger, all natural. Yes, it hurt but would do it again in a heartbeat and like have 14 kids if my hubby would let me. Love my kids, didn't mind pregnancy and labor to get the prize at the end!!!!!!!!!
Blessings to you,
L.

I only wanted my husband with me. I think it should be a moment for just the two of you. Then, the baby can meet the grandparents. My mom though is the type of person to overreact should any complications arise which would have upset me and made me more nervous. She's not the most level headed in crisis. However, I ended up with an emergency c-section with #1 and a scheduled c/s with #2, so it wasn't an option for anyone other than my husband anyway.

I think this is a personal decision. I just had my husband in the room; and I was very happy with that decision. My mom did help me up until the dr was ready to deliver! Your fiancee should have an opinion b/c he is the father - maybe there could be a compromise??

Personal choice, definitely. I had my mom-in-law there, cause I thought it would be nice for her, and a good support for my husband. That way, if he needed a break, I'd still have someone there with me. The relationships need to be good with everyone involved, though. My mom-in-law is like a mom to me, so it worked. Good luck and enjoy!

personally, the first time it was not a husband issue for me, but my mom was around for alot of the labor (just me and medical staff for delivery if i remember right 11 yrs later). the second time, hubby and mom were there for labor and delivery. she was the first person to note my son had blue eyes. it was a great moment for us.

the right answer for you is who will calm you down, not stress you out. once you decide that, then the rest of the family will have to abide by it. YOU are the one giving birth!

Your fiancee should be in the room. It is a really special moment between the two of you and it sounds like he really wants to honor that. I'm sure your mother will understand if she sees her grandchild after the birth.

I was 18 when I delivered and "wanted" my mom in the room along with my fiancee. I ended up regretting her being there and wished it had just been me and fiancee. (Personal reasons)
The second time around I had a C-section so only hubby could come which made deciding a lot easier.
If "YOU" want your mom there, then that's what you need to do. If you are scared to tell her that you don't want her there in the room, then tell the nurse (when your moms not around) to kindly tell your mom that it's best for mom to only have 1 support person there. They don't mind doing that for patients.
Good luck and congrats on your new baby!!

Don't let anyone pressure you. This is a very intimate time for both of you, and don't have anyone be a part of that who you both don't want.....however, I regret not letting my sister be in the delivery room with me. She has since discovered that she can't have kids of her own and I wish I'd been more open with the idea. good luck!

A.,

As a mom of seven, I would strongly suggest that you respect your future husband's wishes and only have the two of you in delivery. You must look at the bigger picture here: 1. The most important thing to your future husband (or any man) is that he be respected and not over ruled- just ask him. He needs your respect just as much as you need his love, and 2. I don't know if you are a believer or not, but Scripture says both husband and wife are to leave their mamas and daddies and cleave to each other in the new family (my paraphrase, but you get the idea). You two are not married by license, but in God's eyes you have already joined to become one.

As an African-American, you know how important it is for us to strengthen our families and to break the cycle of absent fathers in our community. If your future husband wants to be by your side (alone) for the baby's delivery, then don't hurt his feelings by starting the first day off wrong. You want him there for many, many more years with the right attitude. I'm sure Mom can join in a few minutes after the birth and everyone will be joyous. Let your man know that you stand by his side too. Just a few words of wisdom...

My husband and I wanted it to be just us, b/c it's such a bonding moment. This is such a personal decision that only you and your fiance can make. Maybe if both of you feel strongly, you can make a compromise. Your mom could be there for most of the labor, and right after, but for the birth, have it be just you and your fiance.

I don't know if your as close to your mom as me and my mom, but I would't have wanted to go through delivery without her there. With all due respect for my husband, he doesn't have that "motherly" touch, and he was a great cheerleader and supporter, but my mom made sure I had a cold washcloth at all times for my forehead, and went and tracked down a fan, and took care of those things kinds of things. Plus she had been there and done that so she could explain better what was going on. But I sorta disagree w/those who say it is only your decision not his, this is your husbands baby too so his opinion should matter, but you should ultimately get to make the final decision.

My husband felt the same way when we were expecting our first son. We discussed it and decided that we would have my mom "on stand-by" at the hospital just in case we wanted her to come in. It is a good thing we did, we were both very glad she was there to keep us all calm, positive, and focused through a very scary delivery. The best thing is to plan ahead, but realize that it might not be anything like you expect. If you change your plan at the last second, no one will blame you! Good luck and God bless you and your family!

Since you are the one laboring, you should be the one to make the final choice of who is there with you. Also, it may not start things in your marriage off well if your mom is kept out due to your fiance.

A.,

i was in the room with my daughter and her husband when my first grandbaby was born. It was so special because my bond with my daughter meant so much, we had wished and prayed for that moment all her life and it was such a blessing.....but had her husband had objections i would never put her in a position of going against his wishes. I love her husband and respect the fact he is a good man and daddy and would have lived with that decision.

Hope you have a happy life....god bless!

Mamaw G.

My personal opinion is that it is a moment that should be shared between you and your spouse. We have three boys and it has always just been my husband and I in the room....Grandma comes in right afterwards! It is such a special moment in your lives together as a family! Good luck! Oh and also, the doctor's don't always like a lot of other people in the room because they tend to get in the way so talk to your doctor about it and that might make the decision for you!!

I personally think it should be the Dad & you for the actually delivery. My BFF and Mom came for my first and they knew that once it was time they were to go to the waiting room. I ended up with an emergency c/s so it was a mute point. HTH.

Honestly, if I didn't have c-sections with my children, I would have had my mom and dad there with me. It is something that I think is a personal decision for all people though.

I don't know how I would have done it without my mom and neither does my husband. We both needed her there for the last 10 of the exhausting 31 hours it took to get my baby here. They weren't just watching. I had my mom on my right and my husband on my left. Maybe I'm a wimp, but it took more than one helper for me. Ha!

This is not going to be easy for your fiancee. Let him know you need the extra support (if that's how you feel).

A.
www.greenbabydiaperservice.com

I had my mom and my hubby for both deliveries and was happy for it....but, it is YOUR decision, not your fiancee's - YOURS and it is unfair of him to make you choose......it is something women can share on a level men just cannot........best wishes to you.........

I had a homebirth with my midwife, I had my midwife and her team of 2, my Mom, and my darling hubby. I don't think your fiancee is having the baby or has ever had a baby, therefore if you want your Mom there as extra support, you go girl. I can't imagine someone being so selfish to deny the gift of birth to a first time grandmother, that would make me and my Mother cry our eyes out. There are soooo many questions I have as to why he wouldn't want to share this amazing moment? I personally would have had a harder time without my Mom there and my hubby was very thankful she was there. Best of luck in your decision.

Personally I think it should be up to you whos going to be in the room. If you want your mom in the room with you too I don't see why that would or should bother the father.

This is a very exciting moment for you! As everyone else said do what you want. You are a mother now and you will have to start making decisions for your child and your own well being. It won't be just you two in the delivery room anyway there will be doctor(s) and nurses so why not one more? (Depending on the hosiptal some allow two people in the room during delivery) The more the merrier and different point of views to tell the baby when she is older. I was glad for all the people in my room, to help me, to take pictures/video, and to tell me later how red my face was from pushing. Your fiancee will probably be too excited to really know what is going on let alone bother with the camera. And your mother has already been in the situation and can help easy the labor (she might not even make it in time for the delivery) If these are two people you care about then let them both be apart of this special moment. However, if your mother likes to steal your thunder then tell her she needs to wait outside unless she can control herself. Remember this is a once in a lifetime moment and why not share it with everyone you love?

I am not even going to read the other responses. Hopefully they say just this - do what YOU want. It doesn't matter what your mother or fiancee want - this is all about you. Think of it this way - it'll be the last decision you get to make only for you for the next 18 years!

I had my mom and husband in the room. Mom's are special and if you want your mom in the room, she needs to be there! Men, yes they are the dad and obviously have an incredibly special role. But, they are not your mom. You do what you feel is best for you! Congratulations.

Your man gets one vote. You get two votes. Do what YOU feel most comfortable with.

I'm a Mom, I'm sure whatever you decide you want will be fine with your Mom. She'll be happy if you're happy. I'm sure your man will understand if you want your Mom nearby, and I'm sure he will want you to have all the support you need.

If your fiancee thinks it will be "just the two of you" he is mistaken. It's Grand Central Station in there. It can also be a long day with the first one. Your man and your Mom might want to take shifts, at least until the final few hours. He might end up appreciating her being there as much as you will.

Good luck, congratulations and God Bless.

My own mom was never able to give birth (I am adopted) - so being with me when I had my baby was a really big deal to her - it was super special for her.

When I was in labor with all 3 of my children, my husband, mother and sister were in the room with me. However, before I went into labor, I sat them down and told them I wanted them in there with me while I was in labor but, when it came time for me to push and actually deliver that I wanted it to just be me and my husband. They were very understanding with our wishes.

Good luck and congratulations!

You better check with the hospital before you decide because the hospital where my sons were born had a limit of 2 people. Congratulations!!

When I was pregnant with my first I asked my doctor and he said I could have the entire extended family as long as the medical personnel had enough room to do what they needed to do. Well, I was induced when my husband had not yet made it back from work (railroad engineer), so my best friend was there as well as another friend and her husband, the latter two had been very kind when my husband was gone, etc., so it seemed appropriate.

When I was examined they left the room and I am sure had we not wound up with an emergency c-section they would not have been in the delivery room, excusing themselves before the actual "event." Your mom can come and spend time with you until you actually deliver and you could get a tri-pod and video-tape it so that your mother can share in the moment the baby arrives but you and your fiancee can still have it the special moment between you two when it happens.

I would also ask that he keep an open mind because when it comes down to it, he might appreciate the support and comfort you would have with your mother there but it would not seem right to have her there supporting during almost the entirety of labor and hard labor and then shoo her out of the room right before the baby is born. He should remember too that you are not going to be alone. There will be a doctor, nurse and potentially other personnel there with you and no matter who is in the room, at the moment, it will be just the three of you.

I understand how your mother feels and if my daughter and her husband do not want me in the delivery room I will be disappointed but that is their choice. If your fiancee wants this as a special moment to share with you, how he feels trumps mom on this one. Your mother should understand and if she doesn't, that is her deal and part of learning that your major loyalty, etc. is now to the man you will marry. She is still a very special person in your life but your "family" now is you, he and the baby.

Good luck and enjoy it!

My husband wanted it to be just the two of us in the room as it's such an emotional moment for the two of you to share. I think your Mom will understand.

The people in the delivery room should be birthing mom + whomever she wants in there.

Be nice about how you put it to your fiancee though - your mom made it through having you, just seeing her face gives you the courage to know that you can make it through delivery too - and be as good a mom to HIS child as she was to you... instead of see here, big meanie head - it's my body, my baby, my way or the highway. KWIM? :)

S.

My husband was the same way. Kinda the way he thought about it was "he was there when the child was created not your mom." It is nice to have a mom around but it is oh so much sweeter to have it be a memory just for your and your fiancee. It will be something that you can look back on and say wow he was really there for me and i soooo appreciate it.

ultimately it is your decision, not anyone elses. Good luck and congrats on the baby

There's one thing many of the responders missed or don't want to touch. How stable is this relationship? You mention he's your fiance....not your husband. Will you all be married by the time the baby is born? What is his level of commitment? Perhaps your mom in her older/wiser wisdom senses that this guy isn't committed enough to you and your daughter. She wants to be there for you.....just in case.

So my response to your question is this: If he's married to you by the time of the birth, then go with his wishes. If not, let your mom in and hold on to her for support.

My births were all via c-section. Before we knew that, my mother in law protested loudly about wanting to be in the room for the birth. I told her no, that this was a very personal experience that my husband and I will share between us. Of course, when we were told it would be c-sec, the decision was automatically made for us. However, we did allow family to nest in the room with us before going into surgery and they were all there when we came back in. To me, that's plenty for anyone other than your HUSBAND to share.

Please don't take my advice lightly. This is a serious situation that will affect you and your child for the rest of your lives.

I know there are a lot of liberal moms that will read this and jump all over me.................

The only thing you need to know is what you want. Anyone else who gets upset with what YOU want is not thinking of you. What ever will make you comfortable and help you to relax is the only way to go. Think of only you. Relax. And may you have a swift delivery, and recovery.