I need some big time help on this one, ladies. I've never been in this position before, so bear with me if this sounds like I'm rambling. This is upsetting to me. My husband has 2 sisters. The older SIL called me today. She is always fighting with the younger SIL and now that their mom is gone, it's worse. I rarely speak to the older SIL. This is the first time in four months that I've talked to her. In fact, most of the family doesn't speak much to her. She has always suffered from depression and closes everyone else out. I keep my distance, but try to reach out as much as she will allow me. Anyways, we talked about the upcoming holidays. Her mother (my MIL), died early this year, so all of us are still grieving the loss. My MIL always planned the holidays. My older SIL was forced by her mom to come to the holiday get togethers. Now that MIL is gone, my older SIL doesn't want to celebrate the holidays, but yet she's the one calling to ask ME what we're going to do??? So, I'm thinking, this is a cry for help of some sort. I don't know. I'm not much of a read-between-the lines gal. She asked me to come up with something to do for my FIL to make his holiday special since she can't. Okay, so what should I do? I tried to be positive and compassionate with her and I offered to make the holidays at my house and I invited her and her kids to come. I'm thinking maybe I should just ask my FIL what he would like and go from there. I was thinking of having my FIL just bring my older SIL over, but I don't know. I don't know if my SIL calling me is her way to wanting me to invite her. I don't want to be bold and take over all of my MIL's duties because I feel like I might overstep some boundaries. I just don't know what to do.
Sounds like the family is looking to you for some guidance. I would try to
talk to them and see what everyone wants to do. They may not be ready
to do the same thing you did when MIL was alive. Maybe spend holiday
away for weekend or day. This is something you have to discuss as a
family. Won't be easy, but definitely needs to be done. As you know, it
will be a tough holiday season for all.
Hmmm...I think I would ask your FIL what he wants, but be prepared for him not to know what he wants. If your MIL did the planning, he may not have been involved. He is grieving, too, and grieving people can have a hard time making decisions.
I also think having a holiday gathering at your house would be a good idea. Just maybe it would be neutral enough ground that both SIL's can come.
Lastly, I would try not to be too set on things going a certain way. Given the history of this family, you may or may not get anyone to agree to anything when it comes to holiday events.
it sounds to me as if she is reaching out. Your home may seem like neutral territory where as the other sisters house might feel like she is walking into hostile territory. I am sorry for your loss.
Sounds like you have to take on the role of matriarch for the family. The torch has been passed...it's yours T.! Good luck! Take charge, don't ask your FIL what he wants. Arrange it, invite him, make it really special for him. In a gracious and nice way of course. Not bossy and rude. If older SIL wants to come, fine. If not, I think also fine.
I think... it is up to your FIL.... to decide.
He may also still be mourning and grieving.
ASK him, first. It is also out of respect... to him, as the Patriarch, of the family.
It is not up to your SIL.
To me.
Don't assume, FIL 'should' bring SIL along.
She is a grown up and has her own issues.
He should not have to cater to her, when he is mourning himself.
He has his own, life and his dear wife passed away.
DO NOT LET, your SIL's mountainous issues.... take away from your FIL, nor the family's Holiday events.
The FOCUS here, to me, is your FIL.
Speak to your Husband. That is his Dad.
He is the one, in which his Wife died.
He should not be, under the issues of your SIL.
Speak to your FIL.... about what HE wants to do for the holidays.
Since, it was his wife, that used to host this.
ASK him, first.
Don't assume or take over anything... until you have a nice conversation with him on it.
Don't let SIL to make this all messy and murky.
Due to her own selfish issues.
THEN, once you have spoken to your FIL about it... THEN, make plans or not.
THEN, you could just tell SIL, what those holiday plans are.
Because... it is NOT up, to her.
When my Dad died... my Mom was of course, very despondent. But an older sibling of mine would make such DRAMA! It was selfish.. because she'd then criticize my Mom, to her face... about what should have been/what she should do/how she should now act/and how, SHE thought things should be, now. BUT it is not up to her.. it is up to my MOM. She was my Dad's Wife. We were ALL mourning... BUT the point is: it is very selfish, to create drama about yourself, when your own Parent, is mourning. Yes, everyone was profoundly sad... but I always, made a point to go by my Mom's wishes, first. The last thing she needed, was to cater to or worry about or play referee... between siblings who created 'drama' after my Dad's death. For me: My Mom came first. I watched out for her.... and how she wanted to proceed, with any holidays or events.
It is out of respect... she is the Elder.
I'm sorry for your loss. The holidays were really tough on all of us after my mother in law passed away because she just revelled in decorating, making special gifts, cooking. We missed her so much.
I think you should ask your father in law what he would like to do for the holidays and what would make him comfortable. After all, it was his wife that passed away.
The worst thing that could happen is that no one does anything because they simply don't know what to do.
I think, if your father in law is fine with it, you can have the holidays at your house and extend invitations to your sisters in law. It's their choice to accept or not.
As hard as it is, I think it's really important to have a wonderful celebration and remember the person you're missing. Talk about how much she loved baking pies or whatever her favorite things were.
My mother and mother in law adored each other. One year, my mom decided to make Divinity (which she hadn't made for years), and my mother in law darn near ate all of it. She said it was the best she ever tasted. A tradition was begun. My mother made Divinity for her every year.
My mother still makes Divinity even though my mother in law has been gone over 16 years and we all laugh and giggle about that first year my mother in law couldn't keep her fingers out of that candy.
Little things like that help keep people with us.
Your father in law will have a very tough first Christmas without his wife so hopefully you can all have a wonderful time for his sake.
I wish you the very best.
I urge you to ask your SIL a direct question: What is it you'd like me to do? Enough of this vague talk. Ask everyone, the 2 SIL and the FIL if they'd like you to host the holidays at your house. Do not try to read minds!
Having dealt with depression in myself and others, I would guess the older SIL doesn't know what she wants. I'm guessing that since she's the oldest, she's concerned that her mother's role is now hers but she either doesn't want it or wants affirmation that she can do it. She may be hoping you'd do it or not. You have to ask her.
The best way to be sure to not cross boundaries is to be open and ask and expect that they will be honest. It does sound like they may not know where their boundaries lie. If so, don't sweat it. You can't read minds. Do what you want to do.
If you don't get answers, offering to have the holidays at your house would be a safe thing to do. Invite everyone and let them decide what they want to do.
the best way i have found to get through the holidays is to do something different than you have done before. the truth is its just awful, (if there are little kids around it helps). but just do whatever none of you/them have done before, especially your fil. if that means your house, just do it and invite everyone. i bet they will all breathe a sigh of relief. and if they dont want to, they will decline, thats all, but you will have offered. everyone can bring something. if your house wont work, or is something they have done before, suggest something else, just try to get them to do someplace different.
I would speak to FIL and ask him if he was going to plan the Holidays this year or if he wanted you to do it. If he wants you to do it I would ask him if he wants to keep it there, so that MIL's presence is felt, or if he wants a change in venue i.e. your place. If you are planning it then I would extend the invite to the older SIL and say something to let her know you expect her to show up just the same as if MIL had planned the festivities. Good Luck, I know how hard the "firsts" can be
I'd talk to FIL and ask him what he would like to do. He might surprise everyone and decide to go to Vegas or something. Definitely do some more communication and definitely get your husband involved. I'd be more interested in knowing what your husband would like to do and then try to make it work from there.
I think you're right on about talking to FIL about it. Let him know that SIL wants you to plan something, but you don't want to overstep your bounds in the family. Ask him what HE'D like to do for the holidays and go from there. Invite EVERYONE and let them know everyone's invited, they'll come if they want to. Don't guilt or pressure anyone to come, and if either SIL expresses interest in doing something to help or has ideas, welcome it with open arms.
Traditions are so important to families, and if you can't have what MIL did, then start a new one. Just be sure everyone knows they're welcome and part of it, but sounds like you are the most mature and therefore will likely play host to all of this. Hopefully this will bring some healing.
Best wishes!
