Middle School Son Giving up "His" Sport

I totally agree with Riley.

My own daughter put a lot of time into soccer, I knew all the parents, blah blah, and all of a sudden in middle school she wants to be a cheerleader.

I have actually cried driving by the soccer field where the girls are practicing. But I do my best to hide it from her. : (

Please let him quit!

My cousin was forced to play soccer her entire life. Yes, she was great. Yes, she played Division 1 soccer & had a partial scholarship. Yes, she hated every minute of it. (ETA: And she developed an eating disorder because it was the only thing in her life she felt she could control.)

You can support him by helping him to choose a new sport/organized activity and signing him up for it--getting his equipment, etc.

I was a 'natural' at many sports, and an actual olympic hopeful in 2.

What you're looking at is called Burnout.

It's not fun.

GREAT coaches deal with burnout all the time with their stars and they *back off*. Kid takes a season off and still plays/swims/etc but NOT competitively, and typically in a different venue. Swimmers usually end up doing ocean sports (surfing, sailing, scuba), or whitewater, or diving. Something that keeps them in the water, but is new and challenging and FUN. It takes about 6mo to a year to "get back" to where they were when they took a break and got the FUN back, but it's 100% worth it.

Although, many make the switch permanently if they've been suffering through burnout for some time. GREAT coaches spot burnout early (and are trained to do so) so they can get their player back, and often incorporate the "blow off steam" activity into their training. Unfortunately great coaches are few and far between. And because the kids have LOVED this sport for so long, and because they don't want to disappoint their parents/coaches/friends, they usually wait until they're about to completely melt down and lose it before they speak up.

Having been there in one sport, it's a devastating thing to lose your love. Your son is probably hurting bad. Broken hearted, but far, far too burned out to even be able to think clearly about it. There's also the guilt. Comp sports are expensive, and we KNOW our parents have invested their time, money, and energy into us.

It may not make sense to nonplayers (I'm hoping/bet it will make sense to you), but this process is like a loved one dying, or an affair in a marriage. It HURTS. Your son is hurting. You can fix that. That's how you don't get angry about it. It's not about committing, it's not about excuses...it's about learning balance and learning how to keep your own sanity.

It is okay.
He is changing and developing.
That is never finite or static.
He is knowing himself. Let him.

I was a track and cross country athlete. And a 'star' at it.
One day I just stopped.
Had no interest in it.
I was over it.
No one understood, except my late Dad.
I was simply, blossoming in other ways. And I had my own identity.
Not being a 'star runner.'
That was not me.
But I had darn talent at it. Coaches would approach me to switch schools.
And yes, a child's heart, has to be in it
The passion.
Otherwise, it is a dead, endeavor. Just doing the motions, for others.
Not yourself.

He needs a break. Downtime. Finding himself.
Let him.
Guide him in this change of life.
That is what he needs.

For me I do not believe, a child 'has to' be in a competitive sport.
It depends on what the interest is of the child. "Their" passion.
Otherwise, they are just doing it, for others. Not themselves.

Your son had been swimming since he was 6.
He is 14 now.
That is a long time.
There are other things in life.
Nurture, 'him.' Not the expectations or have to's.

He is no longer, 6.
He is 14 now.

I agree with Rev. Ruby; there may be more going on that "it's boring now." He may be feeling inadequate compared to really stellar swimmers, or there may be the locker-room pressure she described -- even bullying. You need to talk to him with care to find out what's up and if that is or isn't a factor.

He truly may also be simply burned out on the sport after so many years of doing it; you say he's been doing this year-round since he was six. If he's not feeling the fire to go on and compete at higher levels, he may just be right about stopping. I would sit down with him, set firm limits on ALL screen time (games, computer, television, all other devices) and work out what he wants to do and what you're willing to take him to do, for other physical exercise. Do try to think outside the box; look around at things that none of his friends are doing, like fencing (a very fast and excitiing sport), or things he can do with you as a family or with a group of friends, like hiking and camping.

Also, he can get exercise even by riding his bike X amount of time or walking to the store for you if that's doable in your area. But he does not have to do any sport at all -- there is a lot of pressure on kids, boys and girls, to be in a sport these days, but why not encourage other activities? He may find out -- though he may not know it right now! -- that he would really like to learn to rough it camping, or he would like to learn something artistic, or he is fantastic at making dioramas or whatever! (That last one may sound geeky, but here, there are boys of 14 and up who are serious and terrific historic diorama artists who do camps at the Smithsonian Institution in the topic!) That's all just to say -- maybe it's time to expand his thinking, and yours, beyond "Sports versus Video Games" as the possible outlets for his time and attention. But you may have to goose him along on this -- he's at an age where anything you suggest may seem dull to him. It may take some trials to help him find a hobby or activity beyond electronics.

Did he say why he want to quit? He said it's boring but that's not a reason, it's an excuse. Is he maturing faster or slower than the rest of the boys? We all know locker rooms can be a source of pain. Bullying, teasing, harressment all happen in locker rooms. If he is small for his age he may be embarrassed by the other boys looking so much more grown up; or he may feel out of place if he is the one who is rushing into puberty.

For boys his age it can become a p*ssing contest on who has more chest hair, more muscle tone, or a bigger (you know what). I think you or dad need to sit him down and have a heart to heart talk with him.

If he truly doesn't want to swim anymore then maybe track or other endurance sport will be more to his liking.

My son started baseball at 3yrs old (t-ball) and played every year, including all the all-star games until he was 13. He just decided one day he was done. The teen years open up some new doors and I'm sure that is what is prompting the decision, for your son and mine as well. We talked at length to him about it and he said he was just 'done'. Support him in his choice and let him know, "if you change your mind, let us know". I know it's a little hard because you and dad have 'invested' time in this as well. Good luck

It may be a poor decision, but millions of teens do this. Some of them regret their decisions later, and some of them don't - they find a new direction that's good for them and that they like even better.

This situation is a little like getting a toddler to eat. It's a battle a parent really can't win.

Maybe in a while your boy might want to get back into swimming. But teens have so many things going on in their minds and hearts that even *they* don't know how to sort them all out. That's where all the drama comes from. When your child can't understand everything that's driving him, how in the world are you going to?

Let him know, however, that playing video games is not an acceptable replacement for swimming. Ask him to come up with a list of possible activities he'd like to try - for fun, not for competition - and submit that list for your approval. Not that you're going to choose one for him; he does the choosing! But it does keep Mom and Dad in the loop. Maybe he has a friend who is involved in something good that he's like to investigate himself.

Look at it this way: you haven't really invested a lot in swimming, per se; you've invested a lot in your son. And *that* investment hasn't changed; it's just going around a bend in the road.

I would agree with letting him stop if he wants to stop as long as he replaces it with something else, though it would be nice to know if it something more than being "boring". Friends of ours had their 2 older girls in gymnastics for years. Really hard-core competitive gymnastics, as in practicing for 4 hours every day after school, plus Saturday mornings and meets on weekends. Their mom always said the day they decided they didn't want to do it anymore, that was it - she would be disappointed for sure, but she didn't want them doing it if it didn't make them happy. The oldest daughter ended up giving it up when she got into middle school because she was somewhat burnt out but there were other sports she wanted to try - she was also relatively taller and bigger than her younger sister (who is more petite but still really muscular from years of gymnastics) which made it harder for her to stay competitive. She ended up doing track, cross country, basketball and volleyball instead. And it wasn't that hard to get into them since those sports weren't available until middle school any way. And she was already in great shape and mentally prepared for the hard work that any sport requires.

You can tell him that you wish he would reconsider and you think he's making a mistake, but in the end you should respect his wishes - as long as he's got plans to do something else.

Went through the same thing with my oldest daughter and soccer. She loved it when she was younger, and was certainly an excellent player, but by the end of middle school, she was done.
Hard for us to watch her walk away (she was so good!) but it's HER commitment, and loss, not ours :(
She did end up going on to play volleyball in high school, and we give her plenty of chores, so she's no worse for it. Paths change, it's a part of life.

While I agree with everyone that you have to let your child live their life, I would add one thing. Just have him really decide the "why" of the decision. In reality, it is REALLY TOUGH to start a new sport at 14! All the other kids have been playing/doing the sport since they were 6! My son (now 14), played ice hockey for seven years. He wanted to quit after that and I questioned him, but didn't resist (ice hockey is NOT cheap, I have four kids and it wasn't all that convenient to take him to games at 6am on weekends, etc.) My son tried to start up other sports and had some trouble with confidence since the other kids were a lot better (and he was used to being really good). He's just started basketball in a new league (where the coach told us no experience was no problem) and the PARENTS loudly criticized that "some of the kids out there look like they barely know what they are doing!" Not a great confidence booster to a kid trying to get his bearings. My son would like to get back into hockey, but now he's afraid the other hockey players are so much more advanced than him since they've been playing another few years over him. I was surprised at how it hit his confidence. He feels like he's a "has been" at 14! (He is enjoying basketball and getting better everyday... it doesn't hurt that he's 6'1", do they are having patience with him!)

I am NOT suggesting you MAKE him continue, but what about suggesting to take the summer off? What about trying a new sport while he's still swimming (although that might be absurd, there are a few sports that are not all-encompassing... Tae Kwon Do, club sports, etc.)

Good luck!

I think you need to find out why he wants to quit before you decide on what to do. If he's burnt out and wants to try something different then I'd encourage him to try something else. If he's reached a barrier or is being bullied or is just feeling inadequate then you may need to help him through rather than let him quit. It's all about WHY he wants to quit.

I remember wanting to quit gymnastics when there was a big skill I needed to advance and I just couldn't get it. All my teammates were getting it and I just couldn't do it. But instead of letting me quit my mom made me keep working at it. Eventually I got it and ended up continuing on with gymnastics for another 6 years. I'm glad she didn't let me quit.

But I did want to quit ballet at one point because I was bored. I wasn't learning anything new or advancing and it was boring. She let me quit and I don't regret it.

One thing you can do if he decides to quit is to throw him a swimming "retirement" party. Celebrate his accomplishments. If he's truly ready to move on then he'll enjoy the party and be ready to let that part of his life go. It's good closure. If he's quitting for another reason he may discover he misses swimming too much and he's gone to far to quit...and he may change his mind.

Good luck!

Here in Austin, you have yo REALLY be dedicated, because the swimming clubs practice at 6:00 am Monday - Friday.. I have heard parents talk about how they have to get up and drive their kids there every morning and wait for them and then either drive them home or straight to school..

Then the competitions are on the weekends. It just takes over their lives Swimming, homework and trying to get enough sleep.

I agree that when a child is burned out, that is it for them. There are so many sports.. Tennis, Track, Cross Country, Soccer, Lacrosse..

Maybe he is just ready to find a new sport. Let him know there needs to be another sport to participate in. If not, send him out running every morning till he finds one.

I, too, say please let him quit. There is nothing worse than being "made" to do something like this in h.s. You will waste your time & money! Maybe he is being bullied in the locker room. With all that has been in the news....that is a scary thing and most kids won't tell their parents. I would err on the side of caution, listen to my child, not "force" him to do something that obviously causes him anguish. My parents never pushed me and I participated in several sports & after school activies. Was I the next Ansil Adams, Joe Montana, Steffi Graf but I was happy, well adjusted, did well in school, participated in several things, had friends, went on to a great career, try never to "quit things just because they are difficult" etc. While I had friends who were pushed, monitored, never allowed to do what they wanted and those people.....did not go on to do anything, finish anything, aspire to a lot, were miserable etc. So I say let him be, tell him while you do not condone quitting things, you support your son because you not only love him but because he must have a very good reason for wanting to quit & you're waiting for him to share this information. Hang back a little, be open to communication w/o pushing/demanding/stifling. I wish you the best!

He may just need a break. Since he has been swimming year round for 8 years, it is understandable. Maybe let him take a break for now and he may want to restart in the summer (but maybe just for fun and not for competition). Just stress that he does not have to swim competitively but does need to continue to be physically active.

We've done all kinds of activities at my house.
My daughter was a competitive figure skater and had ability and talent. She was also a swimmer. She switched to dance for a lot of reasons.
My son was a black belt in Karate.
He did swimming for a few years and then quit.
In high school, they both needed a sport and swimming was it. They aren't going to the olympics, but they lettered in the sport. It's all good.
My daughter doesn't dance anymore. Now she's all into music and her trumpet. I'm fine with that.
They both did cotillion for 3 years and then they got sick of it. That said, they both know how to dance, how to eat with a fork, and how to act at a formal event.
A friend of my daughter's is a phenomenal swimmer who used to swim year round until this year. She burned out. She tried cheerleading and loves it. She will swim with the high school team, but she's out of USA Swimming and is very happy she tried something else.
Let your son find his next passion.
He might just miss the swimming and get back to it.
LBC

He's been doing it a long time! Maybe he wants to try something new and he is bored. You've probably gotten sick of doing things before and abandoned them for something else. I wouldn't make an issue of it -tell him if he wants to quit swimming that's fine! Also, let him choose what other activity he does want to do -he's old enough to have specific interests, so if it's chess club or band or basketball -go with it.

I would say if he's on the swim team he needs to fulfill his "contract" with his team mates. There is usually a "star" on the team that inspires and helps the whole team become winners. I think he needs to fulfill this year and just let everyone know he is giving it up, he may change his mind before it's all over. Otherwise he has had the chance to have that last season and ponder the decision for a while and not be rash about it.

Since he's been doing it since he was 6, my guess is that he will actually miss it if he stops. He'll probably want to pick it back up when he gets to highschool and feels that competitive edge that it gives with the ladies. Girls are always attracted to boys that are playing team sports, gives us something to go watch and be proud of. Maybe make a deal with him that he can take this season off as long as he promises to join again the next season? And remind him that he cant trade it out for video game time because you just dont roll that way. Let him know where the lawnmower and other landscaping tools are, tell him that will be his new sport ;)

I was a competitive swimmer for 15 years. Started at age 6. I was in the sport for that long because I loved it. My parents never put any pressure on me, and I could have quitted at any time, and they would have respected my decision. I hate to say it, but if he really just does not enjoy doing it anymore, then you need to let him quit. I used to swim with other kids whose parents wanted them to continue when they clearly didn't. They weren't happy, and they got burned out. Maybe he just needs a break, and will return when he's ready or maybe not. Either way he should make that choice not you.

He can stop when he replaces it with another physical activity.
Stopping just to veg out on the couch with video games is not a good enough reason to stop.
I'd be tempted to tie his game use to what ever activity he takes up.
He earns gaming time by being involved in something.
If he's involved in nothing then no game time.

So ask him which sport he will do instead.
Mine have to do one sport and one other activity, so they can do 2 sports or sport and youth group or sport and club.
Have him chose something he can stick with for 4 years once he gets to HS.

And let him have a break from swimimng if he does something else like basketball or soccer, wrestling, tae kwon do. I bet he gets back into it. HS swim is a lot of fun and only from Nov-Feb, March if he makes state.