Middle School Friends

keep talking to her,

get her interested in clubs, tell her not to try so hard. if a new kid comes in tell her to extend a branch of friendship.

Leigh said exactly what popped into my mind when I read your request. If she is using terms such as 'loser' to refer to herself, I believe the problem lies more within. Though it is very typical of this age, kids - like adults - don't want to be around people that are down on themselves or look upon their life as a lonely, dark place. I taught this age group for a number of years, and I can't tell you how many kids were depressed, didn't make any friends because they were depressed, which made them depressed, and so forth. She really needs to stop thinking about how down she is about it and just start trying to be happy and friendly with other kids her age. People naturally gravitate toward friendly people, and people that make them feel good about themselves. How is she at reading? It might be a little advanced, but How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a really good book that she might glean a few tips from. I remember when I read it I kept thinking of a particular friend I have that possessed all the traits it mentioned. I should probably add that he's a little overweight and stutters, but is adored everywhere he goes by how he makes others feel. That is really what it comes down to. Best of luck to your daughter; this age is definitely a trial.

Middle school has lots of after school clubs and intermural sports. I would first look into that aspect. By joining a school club or after school sport, your daughter will make friends within her school and within her interest group. Joining community activities will also help her to make friends. We travel about 20 miles each way so that my daughter can play on a soccer team where she loves the girls and they are all her friends( note: we live in "the country", so 20 miles isn't really that far). I would help her to choose an activity that she enjoys and try to find a club at her school. Another idea is to take her and a friend to the mall (a haven for middle schoolers and high schoolers). She is sure to run into other kids from her school there. Good luck. Middle school is a VERY tough age and she, like all the rest of us, will make it through. Keep the faith that it will all work out.

Try finding something she likes/is good at and get her a class
or group. Talk to a teacher she liked for ideas, just keep trying
things, might also mention that only losers call people "loser".

Try a church youth group. My daughter is a bit socially awkward and in addition we moved the year she went into 7th grade, and she had some trouble with a girl in the neighborhood who was acting like a bully at school. I made her (emphasis on the "made") her give church youth group a try, and after the first two weeks she was sold. Ours meets on Sunday night and it's as much a social hour as anything else--but that's great; that's how kids this age learn. After a year she told me, "This is the only place where I feel I am accepted." School got easier eventually, but in the meantime that church group was a lifeline. I also emphasize to my girls at every opportunity that being popular is overrated; what matters in middle school--and in life--is having a core group of good friends. If you have more, that's great--but what matters is how good your friends are, not how many you have. It is tough to watch your kids face adversity (how well I know) but think of it this way: better they should face it first while they're under your roof, with you there to love them every day, than to protect them so much that their first experience with adversity is when they're on out their own.

Involve her with activities outside the school, where she can meet people she has never seen before. It will be much easier for her to befriend a total stranger rather than try to befriend someone she has known for several years and never got close. Try to find an activity that is considered cool among teenagers and has no connection to school, something that suits well her personality. My daughter does figure skating, competes, wins medals, including gold ones and all her classmates think she is cool, and she has friends from the rink, who are older and they all are strait A students. I think sport would be great, especially if this is a sport that can get her college scholarship. You can consider swimming team, soccer or any other sport she might be interested in.

First, as a GS leader, I am truly sorry you had a bad experience. Leaders should take great care that troops don't form cliques inside them and that everyone is included. I would suggest trying GS again with another leader but before you even mention it to your daughter, talking frankly with the leader about the previous experience and the fact your daughter doesn't seem to make lots of friends quickly (which is fine -- all kids are different and it's the leader's responsibility to work with those differences). Also, be aware that your child can be in a troop that is not based at her school and full of her classmates, if that was an issue for her. You can ask your local GS service unit to give you a list of troops in the area and many meet at different times and different places, so she can meet girls from a variety of places and backgrounds. To find your service unit manager, I'd go to www.gscnc.org (the local GS council) and e-mail them where you live and say you need to locate your service unit manager to find out about troops in your area.

GS is of course not the only option and might not be right for your daughter. Does she have hobbies or interests that she does alone that can be done with others? If she swims, would she like lessons? If she crafts or draws, look in your town or county parks and recreation department guide for classes for her age group. I'm sure lots of folks will post with the idea that she should get involved in some kinds of activities with kids her age. And that's outside school -- She also should get involved in things at school too, whether it's joining a club or after-school class or becoming a safety patrol or whatever HER interest is.

I would add to that: You will need to encourage her, and make it possible for her, to see kids she meets in those activities outside school and outside extra classes etc. She can take hours of clubs or classes with other kids but you may have to take the initiative with the parents of those kids to arrange get-togethers outside school/classes, if she wants to develop friendships that last beyond the duration of the class or club meeting. She's at a tough age; she's too old for you to call it a "play date" and too old to want you to arrange her social life, but she's way too young to be going around by herself or getting herself to new friends' houses unless they're very close by. You may need to make her feel things are her idea, not yours.

One last thing: The fact she's using words like "loser" and "lonely" about herself are also sometimes typical at this age but also could indicate she's got more to say. Talk with her a lot and be certain she knows she can come to you even if she just wants to vent and won't be criticized. Consider whether you see any signs that she might need to talk to the school counselor, too. The school year is very young so there's time to make friends, but I know you'll keep an eye on her and an ear out for how she talks about her self-image as the year progresses.

Well H., I know exactly how your feel. We move alot and it is harder for my eldest to make new friends than my second born. Just reasure her she is not a loser and as long as she has one friend then maybe that's all she needs. Well take care and God bless.

Every time we move or start a new school, the kids get nervous and want to make friends quickly....luckily, my DSD has no problems finding people to befriend, but my son is shyer - he doesn't say he is lonely, but he does spend a lot of time by himself and has a hard time making friends. After being here for a year, he is finally starting to make good friends and feel more comfortable...he just started Jr High as well....sometimes it just takes a while, so try to keep her entertained at home and let her know she can always talk to you and you will be her friend till she feels more comfortable in Jr High. You can also try outside groups or play dates - things away from school...kids at school can be mean...

H., First and foremost I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time. There is nothing more painful then seeing your child sad. I agree sports would be wonderful. Maybe something like swimming or tennis where not everyone has been doing it forever and isn't maybe as competitive. Plus why not talk to the school counselor and see if she could link your daughter up with some other girls feeling the same way. These middle school girls are brutal so I know your little girl isn't the only one feeling weird or left out.
Also I felt that high school was so much easier to find your "group" than middle school. Middle school is a terriably tough age.
Hang in there but talk to the school counselor it is a great resource and after all he/she has dealt with this many many times!

Have you considered after school clubs? Don't know what middle school your daughter goes to but my son's school has TONS of clubs and programs to pick from. Check it out and find something that interests her. She will have the opportunity to meet others w/ same interests.

Middle school can be a tough adjustment. But there's so much she can get involved in if she wants to meet people. She could take a dance or gymnastics class. Tae kwon do is great for meeting people and being active plus it helps to develop self confidence. She could take skating lessons (ice or roller). There are lots of people who don't have large gaggles of friends around them all the time. She just needs to see there's nothing wrong with having one or two close friends. And besides, friends come and go no matter how old you are. People change interests, or move and grow together or apart. Making friends can happen any time in your life.

Look for extracurricular activities.. gymnastics, ballet, dance, drawing, swimming. And teach your daughter the art of conversation. It sounds like she is scared of rejection.. teach her that it is normal to be a bit scared when talking to someone new but they are just as nervous but communication is how relationships are built. Practice and role play with her with conversing and initiating conversations with peers. Smiling is a big part of it because nobody wants to be friends with someone who looks sad.. Good luck. Your daughter will be fine because she has a mom who cares and asks for advice!!! Some parents wouldn't notice or be accessible for their kids. Good luck.