Marriage Support for New Couples

I hear ya and feel ya. We still struggle with agreeing om parenting. I think a combo of reading some patenting books and having a lot of discussion and agreeing upon certain things. This means someone is going to have to let go of certain ideas or rules.

We both come at parenting from different perscpective and life experiences. His family is different than yours. Of course it is. Even with spouses who truly see life the same way will have different family histories that come along into the marriage. It IS difficult - so just knowing that you are just like everyone else is of some comfort - isnt' it?

My hsuband is a briber. He'd bargain with the kids to have them do something they need to do. I never bargained or bribed. If they needed to go see their elderly grandmother in the nursing home or clean their room or be nice to the miserable kid in sunday school it's just something they needed to do. My husband always offered cash, a favorite toy, etc. So I let him do it - that's what he wanted / needed to to. The kids knew which parent handled things which way. When the kids would try to bargain with my I'd remind them "I'm not daddy, I don't bargain. Just get it done."
But when it came to discipline we were a mess. We were on very different pages. My husband's father was abusive and his mother was neglectful and suffering from mental health issues all of his childhood. So his image of discipline was painful & cruel - so he wouldn't discipline the kids. Sometimes he'd yell - but didn't know what to do. My mom was big on chores for discipline, chores for getting over sad news (I remember very clearly when she handed me a broom after telling my my beloved grandfather died- and told me to get the patios cleaned off becuase we'd be having company over the next few days!), chores for jsut about everything - but by the time I was 11 she was a single mom and it seemed a natural symbiotic thing to do. It took a while for us to learn that disclpline should be about restoration - not punishment. Teh goal should be to get your kids to correct their action not to resent us for inflicting pain when they do something wrong.
Discipline for a careless mistake needs to be different than for direct and willfull defiance. If my child defies me with intent at age 6 I am going to have a hard time with him at 16 unless we work together to get his head on straight at age 6.

Our biggest problem was that we did not show a united front to our kids. We'd argue over their discipline in front of them, we had different standards for what was expected, and they watched us fight over it. SO VERY NOT GOOD! When the kids entered the teen years and we realized so much more was at stake if we differed on how to handle things we went to a counselor to figure out how to be parents. We found out we were each wrong about some things. We were each right about some things. Mostly we needed to resolve our difference behind closed doors and stick up for eachother to the kids. Even if we didn't agree with our spouse we defended eachother to the kids - then discussed it after they went to bed or while driving in the car, etc. This worked. The first few times the kids stood there with their mouths hanging open when he stuck with the other's decision - even when we didn't agree with it. But after a few weeks we found the kids were happier, they didn't resist, and saying no, or whatever became easier. Kids want their parents to agree, they want to see us care about eachother. They don't want chaos.

This is the hardest thing you're ever going to do - parent your children well while keeping your marriage strong. Knowing that you can't just wing it and coast will help you understand and dedicate the proper time into it.

If your kids are still pre-schoolers consider looking for a MOPS group in your area (Mothers Of Pre Schoolers) - they're usually at local churches - not sure if that's something you're interested in - but you may find life- long friends at these groups. My niece is involved in a local MOPS and her youngest will soon be in kindergarten - but in the past 5-6 years she's develooped a great support group and they help eachother figure out parenting and marraige.

While women are generally willing to read self-help books - and articles on parenting, men will almost never do so. But maybe if you try to find some short books - like "You have what it takes" by John Eldridge which is pamphlet sized, it may help. You can also find CD or podcasts by great parenting counselors - so maybe while on a long drive somewhere or while he's on the treadmill?

Last thing - consider church. I know a lot of people don't go to church - but when you have kids you need some extra support. Many churches have children's programs while the adults are in the the service and it makes life a little easier. Think about it. Sunday is Easter why not try going to a local church?

It is hard I agree. It has been a challenge for us at times also.

I have had to accept our differences. We have totally different strengths (and weaknesses) and understanding that and which worked better in certain situations really helped us. We kind of divided our roles - and let each other take the lead on the areas we do best at and are more comfortable with.

I didn't like that at first. I thought we should be this team all the time that worked together, but my parents weren't (my mom oversaw certain things all the time, my dad was the 'fun' parent), and same with my siblings and friends.

That's what works for us. I have to respect how he parents and stay out of it (support him) when he does. I am the 'fun' spontaneous parent in our family and he supports that.

As for discipline ... we both try to lead in our own ways, but if it's a problem (one of them has done something that needs to be addressed) we both sit down with them after talking.

Lots of talking. To make sure we are on same page. We just approach it from different directions.

Good luck :)

It is hard to answer here with so little information about your issues, so I will speak from my experience. One of the biggest stressors on my marriage after the birth of our son was me not being able to loosen my control on things. I wanted to micro manage and I didn't always give my husband the room to make his own mistakes and find his own way as a father. I had to realize that not everything had to be done my way. I had to give him room to be a father.

We also had to learn to take time for each other and not feel guilty about that. Maintaining our adult relationship is just as important as our relationship with our children, if we want to be able to show them what a strong, happy, loving, and committed couple looks like.

We had to learn to listen to each other without judgement and be willing to find compromises. It comes down to a whole ton of communication and a lot of compromise, respect, and love.

I suggest that many couples have different ways of parenting. What carries them thru is willingness to listen to each other and make compromises. To talk about why each parents the way they do. I suggest a knowledge of different styles, how and why they work is a good beginning in deciding how to parent together.

If you're recently married and have step children it's important for you to discipline your child and he his. Parenting in a blended family have additional issues Than parenting together from the start.

I suggest couples counseling to work on finding a way that both are ok with. In the case of step children it's important to learn how parenting is different. Counseling could help both of you to know how the differences in parenting styles will impact the blended family.

There may be parenting support groups and as well as support groups for blended families. Google can help find them. Ask at a mental health clinic. I've heard of an online group, Meet Up, that gives information about activities. You may find something there.

I learn by reading. There are many good books on these subjects.

- let your kids know, and come to terms with the fact that daddy does things differently. his way might not be wrong, or worse, just different. (this is reciprocal, he should communicate and come to terms with the fact that you do things differently).

-watch and learn- if his way of getting the kids through bath time, or to turn off their devices is more effective than yours, try it. No harm in having a little humility and doing things his way if they are actually better.

- seek help- we chose a therapist with a background in behavioral conditioning. He met with us, not our child, and gave us tips and suggestions on how to shape our parenting to have a more peaceful home.

Best,
F. B.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I have been married now for 17.5 years....parenting was something we discussed BEFORE we even started seriously dating because I had a child from a previous marriage. He did NOT like that I was working with a kid. I told him - them's the breaks - we aren't Rockefeller's and we weren't born with silver spoons in our mouths.

HIS "PERFECT" union was a stay at home mom and 4 kids...LOL...we got 2 kids and stay at home mom who has worked outside the house and from home....there have been struggles...

We disagreed on co-sleeping....for him it was a HUGE NO-NO...for me?? I loved having my babies close...the compromise? A bassinet in the room. And in all honesty? Our kids slept better in their own cribs. So it wasn't used a LOT...both of our kids are premies. Oldest - 6 weeks early, just jaundiced - second 4 weeks with pneumonia.

We both like structure and routines...so that wasn't a problem. I am a mix of Free Range Mom and Helicopter mom..now that my kids are teens? I'm even MORE of a helicopter mom - knowing people in their lives, teachers, etc.

We had a difference of opinion on spanking and discipline. We ended up mixing both of our styles.

Parenting isn't easy. Life isn't easy. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Don't blame. Don't accuse. Start sentences with "I feel....overwhelmed by x y z..." or "I feel...." don't start with blame...it will automatically put up defense and cause a fight. You don't need a fight - you need communication!!

Good luck!

Hi - I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I thought of a few things that might be helpful. I don't know all of the details, what you've tried already, or ages of your kids, so feel free to disregard things that don't apply.
1) Read books together or on your own. I can recommend Have a New Kid By Friday and You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded).
2) Try parenting/family websites. I love Focus on the Family, which has both a website and a daily radio program.
3) Subscribe to a parenting magazine like Parents. They have lots of great articles on parenting styles and how to work through conflict with a spouse.

The first thing that my husband and I ever disagreed on regarding our children was emptying the frig for our first son. My husband didn't think that I should ever make him wait. (This was when he was about 14, 15 months old, something like that.) We'd get in the house from work and daycare, and he was hungry and wanted to be fed NOW. We were working hard to get dinner on the table (fish sticks were his favorite) and just giving him snacks made it WORSE. (Thank goodness my second kid wasn't like that.) I wanted to make sure he got decent food too, not always fried stuff like those fish sticks.)

So I made an appointment with our pediatrician for counseling. The front desk made a half hour appointment for us. We went in without our son. (The doctor knew him well - he'd taken care of him since birth.) We both talked to the doctor and then the doctor talked to both of us. Hearing from a male doctor, my husband listened to him much better than he listened to me. Which was kind of funny, because he pretty much told him all the things that I had been telling my husband all along.

My husband actually listened and things got much easier. I highly recommend that you try this. If one session isn't enough, and you know that, then ask your ped for a recommendation for a counselor.

on the one hand i do wish we'd discussed parenting philosophies and family rules more before we got married. we weren't terribly far apart or anything, but it's always helpful to know where your partner stands on certain things.
but we'd lived together for 4 years before we had a baby and just assumed we were on the same page.
and i'm not at all sure that all the stressors for young parents are avoidable. obviously you need to pull together in harness, but EVERYBODY tells young parents about how hard it will be to lose all that sleep, and to put their partners first and not lose focus on the marriage, yada yada. but human nature is what it is.
there's really no magic bullet, i'm afraid. you just need to sit down together and hash out some basics. there should be a united front on the issues of spanking or time out or tantrum-handling or potty-training. but the other thing that young couples don't always realize that while the overall strategy should be complimentary, the details can differ and it's often a good thing. i was always the talky parent, talk about everything, probably to a fault. and i'd get pissy when i saw the glazed eyes<G>. ah, how much i'd love to counsel myself as a young woman!
my husband was the quiet communicator. and overall it was more effective, but then again, he had the 'advantage' of being around less, so they didn't learn to tune him out as well. i'm still amazed at the astounding efficacy of 'wait 'til your father gets home!'
i mean, instant obedience. i still ask him 'what did they think you were going to do? you never hit them, and almost never yelled at them, and the time-outs and no tv edicts and go to your room or write sentences ALL came from me! i'm MUCH MUCH scarier!'
you just have to keep talking some things out.
khairete
S.

I very much recommend the book "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge. Read it and then pass it off to your husband. It is really written for men, but it is so helpful for us moms to understand our husbands and why they are the dads they are. I think that it could really help you and your husband to parent better together.

Unless he's harming your children which means more than just a parenting problem, I think the biggest way to get on the same page is to agree until you can disagree. The biggest factor in parenting is noticing how children can divide you so they get what they want. What does it cost me to agree with my partner so that the child doesn't see that they are in charge not us? They want to be given limitations and in most cases one parent fighting with the other doesn't get anywhere.

You are not his mother. He is not a child even though he might act like one sometimes.

He is able to watch his own children. He is not going to intentionally put his children in danger.

It doesn't really matter in the long run. Having fun and enjoying home life is what your child will remember the rest of their life.