Marriage in Trouble Due Lack of "Activity" in the Bedroom

I feel for you and I do understand where you are coming from. I was basically in the same situation with my now ex-husband but I do feel that if two people are willing to work at it then it can work. I know you stated that his weight is one of the issues. If he has trouble with staying motivated when it comes to working out maybe you can be that motivator and work out with him. Counseling is good also as long as the two of you are committed to it and follow through on what you all say you will do. I hope things work out for you.

I am actually going through the same thing right now. We had a baby after several failed attempts and 9 months of problems. She's 6 months old right now, and I am just feeling normal again. My husband gained all the weight during the pregnancy - he's so overweight that the doctor is threatening him about it!

Our sex life is almost non existant. My desire is completely gone. I found that I didnt want sex no matter the circumstances with DH, and it became a huge problem in our marriage. We tried everything under the sun, and still not much more than a flicker in the flame.

I was with the kids all day, working part time at night, and when I got home, he wanted to jump my bones. Well, needless to say, the last thing I wanted was his big butt on me after all those hours of constant need from everyone else.

We even tried leaving the girls with family for an adults only camping trip with friends, and we talked the whole way there. After what I considered "whining" from him for over 2 hours - it was really him just explaining his feelings, but I was very defensive about it - I finally broke down and admitted the the attraction had changed when he changed and I wanted to work together to fix it.

Like you, we joined gyms and even got hundreds of dollars of equipment for our basement. They are now collecting laundry and dust.

In addition, I found out, at a recent OB aoppointment that my birth control was effecting my sex drive as well. I was on the Nuva Ring and it has estrogrene blockers. Once I got off that (on an IUD now) I have noticed a huge difference in drive.

I still have issues with DH's weight and interest, but we are working through it with books, movies, and date nights. I also find that me working out during the day when the baby is napping, or taking her for walks makes me feel better. In turn, DH sees it and makes attempts. Its helping, but we arent there yet.

So, I guess, after my long response, my short response would be: you arent alone. Dont feel shallow. talk to him about what you want or need. Dont allow him to force you or guilt you. take your time and let him know in any other way possible that you love him.

D. P.
Wow, you have a lot going on, OK, where to start, First off SEX is not the only thing to a marriage. Are you talking to one another? Are you spending ANY time alone? You sound like you need to get out of the house alone for a while just to regroup so you can come back with a renew attitude towards your family.
Second, Your husband is being rude to you as you are to him. He is letting you know this by what he says. It hurts him that you are NOT showing him UNCONDITIONAL love. Yes, we all wish we could stay a six 6 forever, but for some it is a struggle. Sometimes people are so happy and content with the person they are with that the effort put forth prior to is no longer needed. Maybe you would be concerned if all the sudden he started to work out as well as his attitude change might mean foul play! Maybe subconciously he is TESTING you to see if you will stay with him even if his weight peaks out! There may be a factor that he has always dealt with his weight and now feels safe to show it. These are all things to ASK him and maybe the counselor you are seeing.
Try taking care of him and your house with a NEW attitude. It would help to be Joyful that you are ABLE to give to your family. I once heard it called being Joyful unto the LORD to SERVE other people. Now, I know sometimes it can feel like you are a slave. But if you change YOUR attitude then those around will also change. Try it for a month and do EVERYTHING, including SEX. WITH JOY! Be happy to do it. With your husband suduce him for a change, don't make him BEG for sex. By making him BEG you are REINFORCING his lack of self esteem and hence his weight goes up. Now, question, if he is at home 24/7 and you are preparing meals how is that he is gaining? Is it junk food? Is it late night snacking? What, think about that, are you giving him more than he should eat? Sometimes that happens maybe for two reasons 1. You love him and want to show him how much and the BEST way is through his stomach. 2. You SUBCONCIOUSLY are angry with him and you are feeding him too much or the WRONG foods and he has put on weight and now you can pull away from him? Something to think about.
Tell your husband how good he his, how he provides for you and the kids and how much you appreciate him (and by the way you should- most mom want to stay home and are NOT able to).
Let him know you need some girlfriend time or some alone time. However, be aware that they way you are feeling about your marriage can be dangerous and can lead you into the arms of someone else very quickly if you are NOT on guard.
THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!
All marriages go through a season of change. And love is sometimes a rollercoaster ride of being madly in love to just loving that person and being mad at them!LOL Not really but you get the point. If it a good relationship it will last 60+ years. But right now you are married for 6 with two little kids and the SEVEN year ITCH is approaching! Or maybe HIT early.
You have your whole life before you. If you meant your vows of until death do we part. Then it will eventually work out.
But talking will LONG out last the sex anyways. Tell him how you feel. Have a late night together and talk---NOT in the bedroom----and NOT during sex and maybe not even after, at least not about what is WRONG in the marriage. ONLY good things.
Tell him how much better sex is after you wait awhile, just like when you had the chemistry before when you dated and were WAITING.
Schedule time for you. Take a bath, go out with friends even if you just go to the library or a movie or something. You do need a break.
But I can also tell you from experience if you do not put forth the effort and go out with your husband at least once a month and have a DATE, you will not make it.
Something about setting aside a DATE night and sticking to it and showing that you VALUE the relationship and each other makes all the difference in the world. Plus, the lighting is different. We tend to see what we orginally saw in the person and why we are where we are. Don't make him feel uncomfortable about his clothes and such and look more to his HEART than to his SKIN.
You must do some soul searching and fast. There were things before the marriage as you said, however, We can NEVER CHANGE ANYONE BUT OURSELF. And this is KEY because so often you hear well I'll change this or that with him later! NO!!! STOP!!! What if he was thinking that? WE WOULD lose our MINDS to think well how dare someone what to change perfect little me? LOL
But do you see the point? Your attitude HAS to change and then the problem will be solved. 1. Because you just do not put forth any effort to worry about it and soon THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

Good luck, God Bless and I hope I have said something to help you see that you are BOTH the problem NOT just him!
C.

It sounds like there are lots of deeper issues there. I had the same issue with my ex husband, but the lack of sexual desire I had was just the surface of deeper issues that I didn't have the energy to address. These issues included that he never wanted to do anything with me in a social capacity, he said I embarrassed him (because I'm really open and talkative), and I felt unloved and disrespected. I had low self esteem as a result. He didn't help much with the kids and I was in grad school, so I was always tired. I ended up cheating on him, and lo and behold, I did have a sex drive after all. It wasn't my sex drive, it was the problems between us that made me not want it. He didn't turn me on anymore, basically because every time I looked at him, I felt subconsciously angry. We tried counseling a little while, but neither of us really wanted to go through all of that to save our marriage. There were too many issues running too deep, and they were just too painful to address. We ended up getting divorced. I have been remarried a little over a year, and my husband is wonderful. I have a 6 month old now, in addition to the 6 and 3 year old from my previous marriage. Even though due to breastfeeding, hormonally I don't have a strong desire, I still want to have sex with my husband because I he is so sweet to me all the time and he helps me so much with the kids.

D.,
Oh my gosh.... With some minor changes, your life is mine. Today is my 9th anniversary married and the 12th anniversary of the day we met. He said Happy Anniversary and all I could think was, well here is another night he is going to try and have sex with me. :-(

I too think it is much deeper than just sex. I don't think my husband respects me, my business, my talents, my personality or the way I raise the kids.... Hmmm that right there puts a huge damper on things.

Although swinging is a tiny bit intriguging..LOL, it would never be something I would consider. (but I don't judge M. either...just not us)

I can't offer much in the way of help getting it back because I am in the midst myself. But if you ever want to chat, I would love to talk to someoene else that understands. My friends don't and it is hard to go into details when they love and more importantly respect their husbands.

Blessings.
M. R

hi i am in the same boat as you..with being so busy with the kids and medical issues at hand..i really dont have the dire as much as my husband does..i sometime dotn what to do or say to him.....

This isn't as much a problem in the bedroom as a communication problem in the bedroom- and possibly other parts of the house. How to say this,...he is as concerned about his weight as you are---only he's given up the fight because he fears losing you and instead has gotten defensive.
I don't think this is as much about sex as about sex appeal- and that really tends to hurt a man in a soft spot- his EGO.

My husband is a big man. My first husband was also a big man and we had our issues in the bedroom area. He was very sensitive about his weight and it royally affected our lives. And the mistakes I learned in that relationship really helps me with my current husband.

Consider your motive for not wanting sex- Are you tired from dealing with life all day? Are you feeling rushed? Is there little or no foreplay or romantic interaction, or is it more a "come on, I'm horny" attitude. It seems as if spontaneity has gone out the window partly due to something in your perspective as well as his inhibitions.

Consider his inhibitions- He's obviously self-concious about his self, but he finds you attractive enough to want you. Work on having him find himself as attractive as you find him. He thinks you don't find him attractive. Men have very delicate egos, and if you aren't interested in sex, he'll think the issue is more that you aren't interested in him. He'll rationalize it that he weighs too much, then he'll rationalize it that something else is going on... when all he really needs to do is to sit down and talk with you interruption free and have you listen and talk to him while he listens. I'm betting that he's begun to resent any implications that his weight is an issue, because in the male mind, "if she really loved me she wouldn't care" normally kicks in. (This is all almost word for word from a conversation I had with my hubby when we started getting shaky.) Assure him that you do care. And then prove it to him.

If you want him to get a little more physical action outside of the bedroom, go with him. Send the kids to daycare, Grandma's, a friend's house- whatever... get out there with him. Join a bowling league, walk the neighborhood, go to the gym...You'll both benefit from the support you can give each other.

And stop punishing him for your resentment. Marriage is a cooperative effort, not a war. If you still feel resentment after you and he have a long heart to heart, you might want some marital counseling to learn other ways to channel that resentment.

I hope things pick up between you two and that you feel a little happier in your marriage soon. The alternatives are tragic especially when there are children involved.

I was in a very similar situation with my husband. During my pregnancy my husband gained a substantial amount of weight, mostly because of MY cravings OUR diet changed. Needless to say, after our son was born I lost the weight but my husband did not. I totally understand your feeling but I agree with the other replies that suggest doing more things together. You mentioned that you take care of yourself, maybe you should involve him in your activities. Another thing that is very important is to understand that the way you communicate to him non-verbally is just as important as your verbal communication. If he is approaching your for sex and you turn him down that is one thing, but if you are making comments about his weight AND acting less atracted to him you are sending a very clear signal (in his mind) that you don't love him. Even though you don't always feel like it, it is worthwhile to go out of your way to initiate sex a little more frequently. If you do, I am certain he will want to do more to make you happy especially if you do those things together. This certainly worked in my relationship, my husband is in terrific shape again and our sex life couldn't be better! Just remember it will take time, but the change in attitude alone will be worth it!

Best of Luck!
J.

Dear D., This is just my opinion. therapy and be honest.
It will take time if it does work.

Communication is a problem-maybe watch how you phrase things.

Weight is a problem-Maybe stop talking about it and do something about it. (Like the whole familly take a nightly walk.)

What you wrote makes sense.

Honestly if your husband feels you are shallow and superficial, my suggestion is to take him to a group therapy where he can hear lots of women saying the same thing. Instead of telling him what you don't like about him start writing it down in a dairy with lock and key. Venting/talking is a good way to start healing but hubby isn't ready to hear what is on your mind and in your heart.

Maybe you should do volunteer work or get a part-time job, pick-up a craft or hobby that would make you feel good.
Make some little changes that will take your mind off your worries for a little bit so your mind and heart can rest.

I could go on forever. You are in therapy and that is a start. If you BOTH really want it to work it will. If you put all the effort into the relationship and he doesn't give it's a lost cause or if it is the other way around start packing.

We all have trials and WE can work them out. It cannot be I did this or I did that.

Good Luck B.

Hi D.,

Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom for you - reading your post made me feel like someone was reading my mind. I know exactly how you feel, and it's tough.

Not only is our sex life dwendling, but when we do have sex, my husband is so selfish and horrible at it, I just want it to be over with as quickly as possible. He acts like an over excited, fumbling 16 yr old having sex for the first time. At this point, I usually can't even have sex with him without being intoxicated because if I don't I will end up running out of the room in tears. Yes, we have had the sex discussions on how to please your wife and it just goes in one ear and out the other so I have given up.

I have days where I want to stay with my husband, then I have the days where I just start thinking about it all and want to leave. Somehow though, we've managed to stay married for 9 yrs.

D., I AM GLAD YOU ARE IN COUNSELING BECAUSE COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS. YOU CAN NOT HOLD ANGER INSIDE BUT LET IT OUT IN HURTFUL WAYS EITHER. TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND HONESTLY. LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO DISCUSS THINGS SO HE CAN GET HIS THOUGHTS TOGETHER FIRST BEFORE YOU JUST BLAB THINGS OUT AT EACH OTHER. BE FAIR TO EACH OTHER. OUR PRIEST TOLD US 32 YEARS AGO THAT: MARRIAGE IS NOT 50/50 IT IS 100/100% BUY HIM BOOKS ABOUT ROMANCING AND FOREPLAY. YOU NEED TO PICTURE THE BEAUTIFUL MAN YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT IS INSIDE HIM NOW, HELP HIM TO EXERCISE AND EAT RIGHT FOR BOTH OF YOUR SAKES. GOODNESS IS INSIDE A PERSON NO MATTER HOW THEY LOOK. EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT YOU NEED HELP AROUND THE HOUSE AND WITH THE KIDS. I WROTE MY HUSBAND A LETTER AND THEN READ IT TO HIM. IT WAS EASIER TO KEEP MY THOUGHTS TOGETHER THAT WAY. THINGS GOT MUCH BETTER ONCE I TALKED AND EXPLAINED MY NEEDS TO HIM IN AN INTELLIGENT WAY, NO WHINNING AND SCREAMING OR ARGUING. COMMUNICATE HOW LUCKY YOU BOTH REALLY ARE, LOVE AND MARRIAGE, CHILDREN - WHAT A BLESSING. TRY TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT HURTING EACH OTHER. LOVE CAN BE A BEAUTIFUL THING, TREAT EACH OTHER THE WAY YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED. NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY IT JUST FESTERS MORE. I HOPE SOMETHING I HAVE SAID HELPS YOU. GOD BLESS PS; I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 31 YEARS AND HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL KIDS (WHO, WITH MY HUSBAND, OUR MY LIFE) MY HUSBAND IS MY BEST FRIEND. I WOULD NOT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM.

D.,

I'm really sorry. It seems that you both have needs that aren't being met. Not to say that all of your needs will be met in this world, but there are things that each of you could be doing in order to make your marriage more successful.
I have two thoughts.
Checking out the books His Needs, Her Needs\
The Five Love Languages and
and looking at and the book The Four Seasons of Marriage.
Take care,
B. Montgomery

The only think i can suggest is try and get a babysitter and go on dates at least twice a month if not more often. That alone i think will make you feel better and hopefully him too and you will rekindle the romance! Hope things get better for you...and remember to not be so critical...he's obviously not very confident about his image so make sure you aren't doing/saying anything to make it worse. Good Luck!

I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. I'm the one whose gained all the weight and that has led our sex life to come to a screaching halt. He says he still finds me sexy but I don't find myself sexy and that leds to barely any sex. What has made me feel this way is during arguments he'll put me down so bad about my weight that I'll actually not eat for days at a time and become severly depressed. I have recently started excersising and eating right without the support of my husband. He'll cook these extravegant meals in the middle of the night and tell me to eat with him and eat eat eat. This only seems to happen when he sees me starting to lose weight. I have noticed that that is his insecurity and not mines. Instead of worrying so much about his weight, worry about his mental well being. If you stroke his ego, you'll stroke his desire to take better care of himself. And don't mention it so much either, and watch a change in him. I used to be a sexy 150lbs. No I'm a sexy 210lbs. I'm not as big as you would think at that weight but I do have the desire now at my age to lose it. No I dont' have the support of my husband as I wish I would like on those days I don't feel like getting up at five in the morning but if I'm going to lose the weight, I have to support myself. But you being a woman and supposed to be the more sensitive species, then you get up at five in the morning or when he gets home from work and say hey hone, let's go for a walk or lets join a gym together, and start cooking meals healthier meals and not buying the junk. And make if fun, have a friendly challange. Like, Hey babe, let's have a friendly contest against each other, If you lose say 10 pounds this month, the next four dates we go on will be your choice and my tab. Whatever your husband is into, make him feel a part of it. Make him feel special!

As you can see you're not alone in your situation. My husband and I experienced the same problem with him wanting more sex and attention then I was willing to give. I finally realized that the problem was that I didn't feel appreciated and that he no longer tried romance me. I also learned that you can't change someone else so I changed. I suggested that we start taking daily walks and began an exercise program together. This way I wasn't blaming him or myself, but finding a way to spend time together. We began dating again and we both found ourselves wanting to be more attractive to one another. I treated our date nights like a did when we first began dating, by showing him I was excited and couldn't wait to spend special time with him. These date nights didn't always result in sex, but showed him I was putting in effort and soon so was he. He began to romance me by calling in the middle of day to see how I was doing and offering to help around the house.

It's not perfect, but I find myself more attracted to him sexually because we're spending quality time together now and not just living day to day.

I respect everyone's comments here, but I just wanted to add that don't let anyone tell you that this is your problem to fix alone. It's true that the only person in this you control is yourself, but it sounds to me like you've got a lot of resentment stored up inside and trying single-handedly to change the situation might just add to that. A good attitude definitely helps, but unless he's a partner willing to work together, you're going to end up more tire, more frustrated and more unwilling to have sex. Work with the counselor on figuring out ways to communicate with him so that you can feel respected and get what you need from the relationship. I know from personal and professional experience that all the extra weight in the world probably wouldn't put you off sex like a barrelful of resentments. Once you feel better about your feelings toward him, I'll bet you'll want sex more despite the weight, which will help his self-esteem. Good luck.

After reading your request and the responses from some really smart women I finally feel like I'm not alone! My husband constantly blames me for us not having sex. When I try to explain to him that I can't just "jump on and enjoy the ride"--that I need some romance. Even just kissing would help! I know my problem is that I'm always angry at him. I wake up every day thinking "what is he going to do today to piss me off?" I've tried explaining to him that sex is just as much mental as it is physical--which he doesn't understand at all! Thank you for being brave enough to post your story. I don't know what the answer is--but good luck to us all!

Must have something to do with the overall lack of energy. I've been married 8 years; have a just-turned-5 son and a 2 1/2 year old son. I'm with you. My husband has paunched out some, so have I. I honestly don't feel like sex often at all. And I am absolutely not interested in taking drugs to change that. I am not depressed. I am VERY busy chasing kids, keeping house, working part-time, the 24/7 job, right? I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I believe it is Mother Nature's way of giving us a break when there is no "ME" time left. Dunno. Looking forward to responses you get.
Best Wishes! And know you are not alone.

I would tell him that if he expects it more often then he's got to give in to your requests too. Tell him that it would turn you on if he took care of himself and that would spark something in the bedroom. Get some real good lubricant that makes you feel a bit tingly...even try tea tree oil (but not a lot...just enough) for something different. You've just got to get your groove back. Get a vibrator and do it yourself in the morning before you get out of bed....I'm telling you....it will change your sex life.