17 answers

I Just Don't Want My Husband to Touch Me at All.

I have been married for 19 years. I am so sick of having sex with my husband it is driving me crazy. I don't want him to tough me at all. I am so turned off by him I just don't want to have sex at all. I would rather do it myself, it takes less time.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I took some of everyones advise and tried some new things. Boy oh Boy what some hot oil massage lotions can do :-)

Featured Answers

If you are feeling emotionally disconnected and this is the "symptom", you need to remember that for men it is the sexual intimacy that gives them the emotional bonding. You may be sabotaging the very desire that you want from him. It is a choice so try to find a way...

2 moms found this helpful

Hi L.,

I haven't been married for nearly that long but I went through that as well. The only advice I can give you is get him to work for it. For me anyway, was that he really didn't do anything to contribute to the marriage and family but still expected sex. I couldn't be bothered taking care of yet one more thing. So he had to tep up the care of things in the house. eventually he did step up at least for a little bit. Mostly though he did n't change I just changed my perspective. I don't know if you wanted advice or where you just putting the info out there.

Anyway remember most of the time it's all about you.

hope it helps - if not tell him to go buy it, just use a condom.

B.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

If you are feeling emotionally disconnected and this is the "symptom", you need to remember that for men it is the sexual intimacy that gives them the emotional bonding. You may be sabotaging the very desire that you want from him. It is a choice so try to find a way...

2 moms found this helpful

I can understand where you're coming from...ever since my son was born (he's six months now) I'm not interested in sex and don't want my husband to touch me at all. Have you had a child recently? I agree I would rather do it myself as a time-saver...I have too much to do! I can only give you the advice I gave myself...maybe you're in a slump--it happens in relationships sometimes...maybe you're stressed out--if your other basic needs aren't met, you're certainly not going to have any interest in sex. I don't think it has anything to do with your husband personally and I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with you. All I can say is give yourself some time, talk with your husband about what you're feeling, and try to do other things with your husband that you do enjoy. Do you like it when he rubs your shoulders...goes for a walk with you...does some of the household chores without being asked? Maybe something like that will help to "put you in the mood" and rekindle past romantic feelings. Good luck...

2 moms found this helpful

I have to agree with many of the responces here. Many things can attribute to your non-existing want for sex. Have you or your husband gained weight? Have you been placed on medications that could possibly swallow up your libito? Are you under a tremendous amount of stress lately? You may also want to remember, intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex! You both may need to find time to reconnect with each other. Find out exactly what brought the two of you two of you together in the first place. Was it his smile? His eyes? His spontaneous acts of love? Try going out on a scheduled date once every week or so. Do the things that will lead up to sex.

If some of these things are unachieveable, maybe you could think about marraige counciling. He may not realize (or you for that matter) what things deep inside you might be hiding.

I've been married for 7 years with my husband and I, too, went through this. I have 3 boys, my youngest being only 4, and haven't lost any of the "baby fat" and have gained even more since his birth. I didn't feel sexy like I did prior to my kids and that for me was a trigger to the "don't touch me" mode. But knowing that my husband loves me for ME helps me to get over those negative feelings. We may not have sex every other night like most couples, but the times that we do makes me feel even more loved than ever.

I hope that you find out what is causing your problem.
M.

2 moms found this helpful

That's kind of normal - check out a few things first like:
meds you are taking that lessen sex drive
menopausal symptoms
too much stress in your life

Other than that, maybe you need counseling - boredom has set in after 19 yrs. or maybe he has a lack of concern or respect for you that caught up to you finally. In any case, seek professional help to get to the root of the problem. Most marriages can be saved if the effort is put into it.

J.

1 mom found this helpful

I haven't been married as long either but I did also go through this. There were a couple things that I noticed that helped me. One thing was that it seemed to iritate me every time he asked for it or made comments so then by the time I did want it he had alreasy irritated me to the point that I would rather it not be from him. So I NICELY asked him to not ask so much. That it made me feel uncomfortable and that if he let it be for a little while he might have more luck.
Also I realized that part of the problem was that I didn't feel sexy anymore so it was hard for me to get into the mood. I bought myself some new lingerie that really looked nice on me and had my husband install a new lock on our bedroom door.
And lastly my husband must now shower beofre we have sex. I fold his skivvies...it's kind of a turn off. knowing that he is nice and clean helps a lot.
But as the others said it is probably something outside of the bedroom that is the problem even if it is just too much stress and you feel tired. Try to take care of that and things might change. And remember when all else fails someday he may not be able to do it anymore and you're going to wish he could. Enjoy it now!

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
L. again, I will respond privately.

1 mom found this helpful

From experience, the best thing you could do is see if there are other factors in your life right now that are affecting your feelings for your husband. Personally, if I'm angry with my husband or otherwise hurt and feeling discontent with him, I don't want him to touch me either. I don't even want to hold hands when I feel that way. When there are problems in the bed room, there are usually problems in other areas too. I think you might benefit from marriage counseling too. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,

I haven't been married for nearly that long but I went through that as well. The only advice I can give you is get him to work for it. For me anyway, was that he really didn't do anything to contribute to the marriage and family but still expected sex. I couldn't be bothered taking care of yet one more thing. So he had to tep up the care of things in the house. eventually he did step up at least for a little bit. Mostly though he did n't change I just changed my perspective. I don't know if you wanted advice or where you just putting the info out there.

Anyway remember most of the time it's all about you.

hope it helps - if not tell him to go buy it, just use a condom.

B.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello L., Sorry about your frustration. I have been married for 14 yrs. and have 5 children. I have commited to sex any time anywhere anyway ??:). It is such a special place that ONLY I have in his life I have learned what I like and want to make it great for me too. I love it. Woman really do have the advantage in this area physically I think we have more options. It sounds like maybe you have been hurt in some way. not to be judgemental at all.
It is very important that you express your feelings to your husband and make him feel wanted and make your needs clear, physically, emotionaly, and spiritually, and physically. KNOW what your needs are- try not to use to much emotion while communcating. It sounds like some of your needs are not being met.. Hope you find that he has a willing spirit- The sexologist sounds like fun too maybe i will look into that also. hope i have helped take care A.

1 mom found this helpful

Get some candles, take a long bath and spend the day making your hubby feel special. Make a sacrifice for HIM. Don't think of making love as a chore and YOU being satisfied as the goal/outcome. Make a day just for him. Meet his needs. I've been married a long time and have NEVER felt this way about my dh. We have an incredible relationship. I don't look at making love as a selfish act. It is the two becoming one.
Try a different approach. Don't be so selfish. Don't think only of yourself and your needs. Think of him and make it special for him.

1 mom found this helpful

wow, alot of people had something to say about this subject... i guess my suggestion would be... tell him (as nicely as possible.) no one is going to be able to help you with this except for him. communication is key.

1 mom found this helpful

I've had the same issues myself.However we've only been married for 4 years and had 3 kids in that time and my 1st son passed away.I've found that it has more to do with other issues and a lot less to do with sex.I was annoyed by my husband if he wanted sex or not.He worked all day,came home wanting food,said about 2 words to me and then at the end of the day wanted sex.Well, it's not happening but I do know that my annoyance has less to do with sex and more to do with other issues in our marriage.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,

When you say that you are sick of having sex with your husband it seems like that is an issue that needs to be addressed first. Sex begins outside of the bedroom so if you don't have to have sex with him find out what he is doing or not doing to have you feel this way. I've been married for 15 years and I've gone through that several times in the marriage. My husband was not assisting with chores and the kids and I would get extremely annoyed with that. After working a full time job, taking care of the kids, the chores, the financial budget, cooking and all of the other responsibilities the last thing that I wanted to do was crawl in a bed and take care of what felt like another responsibility or obligation. We went through counseling and I got to the root of the problem. I also found out that there was a certain boredom that I had started to experience with the same types of repetition. You perhaps could feel this way about your situation so I suggest that you think carefully about what you think that the problem is and let him know. You could perhaps be lacking romance and intimacy. Maybe a few romantic dinners out of the house would help. Try a date night 3 times a month. Maybe a few walks where the two of you are holding hands and talking. Maybe a trip to Aruba or the Bahamas. Gather some articles on the problem and meet him in the bedroom to just sit in bed and read them together and talk. I think after so many years the problem of having no desire to have sex, yet wanting it, is one of the most difficult to solve, because the underlying reason is mostly hidden. You said that you would rather just do it yourself so there is still desire for sex which is good. There are various books on the market, which may help you to understand better what your feelings are. You can get them from bookshops, libraries and from reviews in women's magazines. Check the internet on 'female sexuality'. Also you can seek practical help from a sexologist, if there is one in your area. Your family doctor should be able to advise you on this. Knowledge is power so do your best to find out as much information that you can and use it to the best of your ability so that things improve.

I hope that things work out!

1 mom found this helpful

lol L..... so many responses... were any effective?

I was married 26 years. I hated sex with him for years and years and years. Men see sex as a "release" and women see it as "emotional" we want to feeeeel something. I was so disgusted with him in that way, that I would read while he "did his thing". I knew that my sex drive had shriveled up and died.

THEN I dumped him. Moved to a new state. Have no contact with him. Started dating for the first time in 25+ years and let me tell you, it wasn't ME that was shriveled up and died. I am the horniest I have been in my entire life and I'm (GASP) 50 years old!!! My boyfriend will sing to me... and I get excited. My boyfriend will talk with his low voice and I get excited. My boyfriend will hug me and I get excited. Get the picture?

Soooo how is your marriage outside of the bedroom? Are you happy with him? Does the sight of him coming thru the door or asking you a question send chalkboard-type noises in your head? Do you enjoy going places together? Is there still things to talk about, to share, to laugh about together?

THESE are the questions you need to ask yourself . . . because you only go thru this life once, and it is much to short to be in a relationship where there is nothing but longevity holding it together.

Do you love him? Then talk about it with him. If he went to work today and didn't come home, would you notice?

Good luck to you !
D.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey L.! HMMMMMMMMMM! I have been going through a similiar stage (I hope) with my husband. We have been together for 21 years. I have come to the conclusion that I am the one with the problem because I have been hiding something from him and I believe it is my own feelings of guilt. I have not been unfaithful but just made a few mistakes financially. Anything like that going on with yourself. I heard once you hit 40 that a woman is at her prime. I have yet to notice that. Would love to hear more from you let me know if anything has seriously changed for you recently. Sincerely, I. G.

1 mom found this helpful

hmm have you told him this..is there any particular reason you dislike it so much..

I now what you mean. I am very in love with my husband. But I don't want to be touched. It started when I got pregnant with our daughter last July. During my pregnancy I only wanted it when I wanted it. And of course that wasn't fair to him, he has his needs, but understood. Then even after she was born this past April, I was still the same way. And this was begining to cause problems with our marriage, because no matter how many times I explained to him it wasn't him, he didn't believe me.
Well, I started having some issues (not with my husband), but I have never been able to remember my childhood. Oh I should also let you know I have a 7 year old from a prior summer fling. Well, he stared having some behavioral problems and went to a therapist. Well, till this past summer was over, I stared seeing her for myself. Because I just had a strange feeling something had to of happened to me as a child or I witnessed something happen. Well, I have 2 children to protect. Not sure what from, or whom, just know I need to protect them
In my theray sessions, I admitted I can't stand my husband touching me(and he was in the room), she asked why and I told her I don't feel as if I deserve his affection. I am overweight and have a very low self-esteem. No matter how much my husband told me I'm pretty it didn't help. Then as the therapy sessions went on, more came out.
I was abused in some way as a child, we know that. Because of the behavior pattern I fell into as I got older and things I had done. I was in an abusive relationship off and on for 9 year and I mean abusive with scars to prove it. And even though we still don't know for sure what happened yet, we think it stems back to my childhood.
Is it possible something happened as a child? Even though I can't stand him touching me, I let him everynow and then, even when I don't want it. Because I know he does have needs. But my therapist told my husband this is something I need to work through and he needs to be supportive and understanding. But at the same time I need to be aware of his feelings as well. There's been times that I'll have sex with him and act like I'm in the mood. Then he will still want to snuggle in bed when we sleep, but won't bother me about the whole sex issue. Because he's been appised and he knows I have issues.

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