Marriage and Family Conflict

oh gosh! That is quite a problem! Well as difficult as it is PERSONALLY, I don't think you should get involved. Offering the "victim" daughter a shoulder to cry on and advise as how to move on is one thing, but you can not shun the elest either. This was a decision both your daughter and the younger daughter's husband made together. For the youngest...I would say in due time she will let it go. She never really had him if he went off that easily. And chances are he will leave the eldest too. Once a cheater always a cheater. And I learned that from experience. I don't think he should be welcome at famoly gatherings just because the entire family doesn't need to be physically exposed the pain the younger woman is feeling and I think the older daughter should let him go too. Not because of what she did to her sister but because he obviously is no catch. I think the relationship will run it's course and some time down the road both woman will take it as a learning lesson. Given she will never trust her older sister again but that is the price you pay. Good luck!!!

wow. This is a tough one, I want to first say I am so sorry this happened, I can't imagine what it must be doing to your family and how it must be eating you up. My only suggestion would be to a rock to both your daughters. Console the one who is hurting and very betrayed as much as you can, but don't put down the daughter who did the betraying. As wrong as her act was, I am sure she is hurting right now, regretting what she has done, and may also need some of your love. You gotta be strong in this reguard to be able to give it to her, as I'm sure you have some feelings of anger towards her as well. Family counseling may be in order, if the sisters are willing, it may take some time for your daughter who has been cheated on to be able to face this situation and move past it. Is the man still involved with either sister? Please update this one when you've made a decision on how to handle this, you will be on my mind and if you need to vent or destress on your own you can message me. It might even be a good idea for you to seek counseling on your own.

I am sorry. This must be very difficult for you and your family. I wish i had some good advice for you to help. Perhaps you may all benefit from counseling. My best to you.

A.

First, let me say I am sorry that this happened to you and your family. It can't be easy. I don't usually respond to these ... but I find it interesting that I actually know of two different women friends this has happened to. In both cases, there was some (or alot of) reconciliation, either with the spouse or between the sisters. It took the greatest toll on the ones cheated upon. And it was mostly up to her (in both cases) to forgive in order to reconnect, move on, and restore some balance to life, and that path was uniquely personal to each one's circumstances and personal philosphies.
If I may say so, I agree with one of your other responders. If you were to want advice, I would say offer neutral support; stay clear and yet loving and honest (which doesn't mean to bare your soul; but be true to yourself as much as you can- if asked if you believe an apology is warranted, you could offer that; but without charge in your voice. avoid getting in the middle.) There is a story in this- probably at least 3 different ones, and it is easy to judge before hearing them. Keep breathing, and trust that their inner wisdom will eventually guide them to the right place for each one. You are in 'shock' phase- again, keep breathing. The steadier you are, the more helpful you can be. (people tend to get stuck in reacting to each other and don't get to the bottom of the issues) Who knows what deeper insights or connections might possibly be forged thru facing these challenges?
Best of luck to you all. I hope that forgiveness is possible where ever it is needed.

T.,

I am very sorry that this is happening to your family!! I don't have any advice to offer, I would never think of doing anything with either of my sister's husbands, but obviously there is more to the story. I just hope that you and your family are able to heal and get through this in one piece.

~A.~

Hello T.,

I am so sorry for this ordeal you are in. I agree with Ms. Mindy, your daughters should not put you in the middle. It is such a difficult task for a parent to be torn between her children. As for your daughter's husband, I know she probably loves him, but she needs to move on. It was with her sister; it is bad enough when it is a stranger, but your own kin. That is heart wrenching. In time your daughter may forgive her sister, granted she will never forget, but the husband, there is nothing to forgive. The thing for you to do is to be strong and give support in her decisions. I hope things work out for you and your family. Seek counseling for your family as well.

Dear T.,
Let me start of by welcoming you to mamasource. I read all requests and I have to say, by doing so, I feel so much more normal. You'd be surprised how many woman out there think about the sames things and experience someof the strangest yet real things in life. You'll be hooked in no time. We all learn from eachother. We certainly don't learn from men. LOL!
Anyways, on a serious tip, You are the mother of these girls and although there is an issue going on with in the family, don't let it become yours. Your daughter who was betrayed by her sister is hurting and you probably want to shrink her back into a child and hold her and kiss her booboo and say it will be ok, she has to deal with this on her own. You can still love both your children without condoning what the older sister is doing. There's nothing you can say to either one of them to rectify this situation. The 'victim' sister has hardened her heart, trust and love towards her older sister and the older sister is going to have to live with her guilt. Back away slowly from this mess becuase sooner than later, you'll start leaning toward on side more than the other and the blame will work it's way on you. Stay mutual and stay out of that mess. There's nothing wrong with listening to them when they need to talk, but refrain from voicing your opinion about it. If they're your children and if they know you really well, then they already know what your opinion is. They know you already taught them right from wrong. Now let them answer to God. Good luck and try to clam down and let go of their problems. You probably have your own life to deal with. You're done raising your girls.

This is a hard situation. This would take alot more information to answer. Prayer of course is always a good place to start. The work that needs to be done ultimately needs to be on your daughters' and son-in-law's shoulders. They questions that need to be answered by them is what were the cercumstances, an accident, a long standing attraction that still exists, is it one-sided, is there always been a rivalry between the sisters???? Your second daughter will need to answer the questions as to how she wishes to proceed because her trust was broken by her sister and by her husband. It would be best for her to go to a counsler often clergy are excellant in these matters and are very inexpensive. Tell her to be sure it is someone she is comfortable with and she can call the shots in bringing her sister, husband etc into the sessions. If they care about her and regret what happened they will follow and make amends. The counsler will be aware and bring out the issues that need to be addressed. Half the battle is to admit there is or was a problem. Quite often if it's working therapy will make a situation worse before it can get better. Your role is to give unconditional love to your family members and quite often bite your tongue and just be there to listen until they can work things out. Good Luck and God's Peace be with you and yours.

Hi T.,

I think it would be wrong for your daughters to put you in the middle of this issue and that they should be responsible for seeking out their own solutions, rather that putting that responsibility on you. This is their own mess and they are adults. I think that they should seek out counselling and work to resolve this issue on their own while you do what you've always done and be a supportive mother.

Good luck to them

M.

Try to stay impartial. Just because you love them doesnt mean you always have to like them. dont take sides even if you feel your daughter was wrong.

I truly feel the only way that the family is going to get through this is lots of prayer, and communication. Everyone including mom needs to sit and talk about everything openly. If husband came clean, its probibly because he wants to salvage their marriage and move on. Every one just needs to talk.

Immediately get rid of the rotten husband,he'll never change and will continue to hurt your girls. Leave the girls alone they will forgive and forget over time.Blood is thicker than water.