H.F.
L. - It sounds like you don't want to cheat on your hubby. You sound like you truly love this man, and it sounds like he returns those feelings. It also sounds like you are passivly 'rebelling' against the freedom you have lost by being a mom. It's very easy to find yourself pushing back in one way or another after you realize how much you have given up to become the 'new' person you are now. I know that I gave up several things when I got married and had a baby. Some of those things were not good for me, and when I've had a hard week or I'm just feeling frustrated I will find myself focusing on the 'desire' for some of those things. I know that I, personally, am very passive agressive. I'll hurt myself before I hurt the people around me, but I'll hurt myself TO hurt the people around me. Does that make any sense? It sounds like you are hurting yourself my focusing on these other women. It sounds like you, without realizing it, are taking the desire you should be showing to your husband and spending it on something you know you 'can't' have. In this you are hurting yourself. It is making you feel guilty, and possibly making you feel unworthy of your husband's love. This is harmful in two ways. You feel guilty, and therefore you are a bit more touchy with your hubby. You could even feel like you don't deserve the affection (the cooking, flowers, back rubs, ect) that he is giving you. This is going to confuse your hubby - and yourself! This also makes you less attracted to your hubby (you are 'spending' your attraction on someone else!) and therefore you get upset when he wants to have sex. It sounds like (and I'm obviously not in your head, but this is what I gathered from your message) you are upset at yourself for wanting someone else, upset because your sex life is not as active as you want it, upset because you want sex and are not getting it from who you want it, and upset because your hubby wants sex and you don't want to put out for him (and he should be able to read your mind and KNOW that!!). You say you have not physically cheated on your hubby, but you have emotionally cheated on him. Now, I will tell you that everyone, EVERYONE, has fantasies. Whether you are married or not, everyone thinks about other people. What makes it 'emotional cheating' as opposed to overactive imagination is if you feed those fantasies, if you obsess over them. I have been in a similar situation where I was attracted to someone before my hubby and I got married and, because this person was a close friend to both of us, was around this person a lot after we got married. Well, that sexual tension carried over and I found myself fantasizing about this person constantly until I realized what I was doing to my hubby and myself. We are still friends with this person, and we still see each other regularly - but I had to 'sit down with myself' and make myself stop feeding my obsession. I didn't end the friendship, we were childhood friends, but I did end the fantasies. If you are still talking to these women because they were people you were 'with' in the past - I would stop talking to them. That doesn't sound like it's the kind of friendship you need to keep. If your friendships predate sex and they are people who will stop flirting with you if you ask them to, then stay friends - just end the sexual tension. It takes a massive effort of will, but you can do it! And honey, about being a 'lesbian' or 'straight' or even 'bisexual' you ARE whoever you allow yourself to be! I'll be praying for you! H.
