53 answers

Husband Wants Other Women?????

Hello moms, I have a very personal concern.
My husband and I have been together for three years and I think we have a very loving, fun and light relationship and I consider myself to be a very open-minded person.

A couple of nights ago we were talking about sex, and the conversation went on and on and I found myself asking him if he had the desire or wanted to sleep with other women. (I had no motive to ask this question it just popped in my head. I know what your thinking what kind of idiot wife would ever dare ask her husband such a stupid question! I'm not sure what my motive was it just came out and honestly I of course thought I already new the answer.) I guess I was looking for reassurance. However, that is not at all what I got. His response was, "Of course, I'm a man!"
My heart broke I was so mad, hurt and angry and after vocalizing my feelings he said "every married man thinks this way and if they tell their wife differently they are lying". Now I know men and women are different but not only do I not want to have sex with other men I don't think all married men feel this way. Is my head up in the clouds for thinking this? AND I think something is wrong with our relationship being that he does feel this way.
My girlfriend said I am being sensitive and most men probably do feel this way and as long as he doesn't act on it I should let it go. Him cheating on me is not an issue and I trust that he would never act on this but I don't care he still feels this way.
This is really affecting our relationship. I have not slept in our bed for the last two nights; I just can't, I am still so angry. So here's my question am I over-reacting???? Do most men feel this way or could this be trouble for us???? I would love to hear from women that know for a fact that their husbands do or don't feel this way. BUT PLEASE DON'T ASK ON MY ACCOUNT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED FOR EITHER ANSWER!!!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

My husband and I have a very open and honest relationship - and I know he thinks about other women at times. We even have a running joke about his "girlfriend" (the main female character on the series Chuck on NBC). I also know that he would never act on those things... and I think that every person, not just men, think about others regardless of how happy or satisfied they are in their relationship. Who hasn't had a fantasy?

1 mom found this helpful

All men on a basic animal level will look at and think about sleeping with other women. It's hard wired in them to reproduce the species. What makes them men and not animals is they have self control to not act on the impulse. This has nothing to do with loyalty, love it's animal instinct. Any man who tells you different is not being honest. Be glad you have an honest man and remember it has nothing to do with love.

I agree with Kathy. My husband told me the same thing as I did ask the same question. I asked becuase I noticed every time a hot women would walk by, he would take another look. He told me loves me with all his heart. But he has fantasies. But he would never cheat on me, again. And he hasnt. So I'm thinking you should go back to bed, be with him. Show him how much you love him, and if you need to, have a heart to heart talk with him about. Dont get angry he is only being honest. Which makes a marriage work.

More Answers

Hey, R.. Well, I hate to be the crazy woman here, but I fantasize about men other than my hubby. I would never, in a million years, cheat on my husband!!! Never. I have never cheated on anyone in the past. It's not in my nature. I am, however, interested in sex and think it's a normal and healthy thing that sometimes pops into my head. Can you honestly look at Gilles from Dancing with the Stars and not think, "Damn, I bet he's good in bed..." Maybe I'm over-sexual, but I have always thought that fantasies are normal.

I think this is probably the extent of your husbands desires. They are normal, and he's probably not spending a lot of time on them. These are 30 second bursts, at the most, I would say and are completely detached from emotion. So, the good news is he's not being deceptive and obviously trusts you enough to still love him even though he admitted to thinking of other women sexually...and you did ask.

The best part about this is that it has absolutely nothing to do with you...you are not inadequate, you are still beautiful to him and that is why he married you in the first place. My hubby is a hotty and good in bed, but I still wonder about Gilles every time I see him on TV.

Good luck with your heart. I hope you can get through this together.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear R., I agree with your girlfriend and with your husband. Please go back to your own bed (tonight!) with the man who loves you. Nothing will ever get solved with you in the guest room. Everyone has fantasies, I believe that is all he was saying. He was just sharing an inner sexual fantasy and trusting that you would understand. Don't shut him out and lose the trust he has in you and your marriage to be able to share anything with you. He felt he could do that because of how much he loves you and how much you love him. Don't wait for all the Mama source answers, go back tonight and sit and read tomorrow. Married
35 years going for happily ever after! Never let the sun set on your anger. K. K.

2 moms found this helpful

It's my observation with my husband of almost 6 years, that men are hard-wired to want to impregnate every eligible woman. It's a cave-man instinct thing, "spread the seed"... NOT to be taken personally---unless of course the husband has cheated.
The long term intimacy, both emotional & physical, of marriage is overcoming that basest of instincts.

I suggest being grateful that he's with YOU, & loves YOU, has a child with YOU, not to mention all the work he's doing to allow you to stay home with your boy. There won't be an issue unless you make it an issue, R..
If I look for fear I will find fear, if I look for love I will find love. Which do you choose to look for?
:) A.

p.s. Good job mommin'!

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. I am sorry that his answer makes you so upset. I would have to say that his answer was very truthful, a good thing, and also accurate about most, if not all men.

My husband and I have known eachother since we were children. We have been together, off and on, since we were older teenagers and have been married for sixteen years. All of that to say I know him and I think that we have a very good relationship. We have had many conversations just like this. They in no way threaten me. I would rather know what he thinks and how he thinks. By allowing him to talk to me I can encourage him and pray for him in areas, not just sexual, that cause him struggle.

My parents have been married for 44 years and I think that one of the greatest gift that they have given me is demonstrating how to work through a hard marriage. They love one another and are extremely committed, but they have had their struggles.

My husband came from a broken home, where his father was unfaithful. He has always said that he would "never say never" about having an affair because when you think it could never happen to you, you let your guard down. I have loved this honesty. I love him. He is Godly and has more integrity than anyone I have ever known.

You asked your husband a question, that he answered honestly, and now you haven't slept in the same bed for the past two nights. What kind of message does that send? You say you trust him and that cheating is not an issue. So you are upset because of a feeling you asked him about,and he admitted to you? Your response is that you don't think about other men. To use a benign example, I love the once a year massage I indulge in. My husband has no comprehension of wanting to get a massage. We are not the same.

Your husband, who loves you, and is married to you, felt like he could be honest with you. Next time I bet he will just try to figure out what you want to hear and give the right answer, but it doesn't change what is inside.

I don't mean to be hard on you, but I think that you owe him an apology.

1 mom found this helpful


Instead of being hurt, I invite you to realize how much your husband loves you. He loves you enough to be completely honest with you about his feelings.

I realize that the answer you received was not what you expected and your reaction is very understandable. So now the question is -- Where do you go from here?

Why would you believe that not sleeping with your husband would be a good solution? I honor you for your honesty in how you are feeling, yet what is the end result of this choice? What message does it send to your husband? What it would send to me if I was him "She really doesn't want to know the truth, it hurts her too much". If this is the message he is recieving are you creating trust or dishonesty by your reaction?

Forget what "most man feel". The ONLY relationship that you want to focus on is between you and your husband. Are you telling me that you have NEVER fantasied about another man since you have been married? Perhaps this is a part of you that you are not willing to see.

I would invite you to share with your husband why it hurt so deeply. Give him the opportunity to share with you how your reaction made him feel. Before you have this heart to heart have an agreement that while the other is speaking the other is simply listening with a heart open to understanding and love. As you both see the situation from each others eyes you may be amazed at what you discover.

Remember you have promised to be with each other for better or worst and that sometimes being honest and open can hurt at first, but it is the only way to have a clean, clear relationship that can endure.

With my whole heart, C.
Owner of Loving Connections LLC

What is Loving Connection?
Healing my heart so I can feel yours.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi R. - I know it's easy to feel hurt when you hear something like that, but unfortunately, there are just some major differences between men and women and this is one of them! I think most men use this rule to decide if they are attracted to a woman: "Can I see myself wanting to sleep with her? If so, then yes, I am attracted to her. If the answer is no, then I am not attracted to her." So like others have said, just because he finds other women attractive, it doesn't mean he's going to go sleep with all of them. And I would like to second what others have said about the fact that you should let your hubby know how glad you are that at least he can be honest with you. If you react this way every time he tries to be open with you, he will soon stop because I'm sure he wants to avoid having you feel hurt and sleeping in the guest bedroom! So if you'd like to keep this open relationship that you're so lucky to have, just let him know you were taken off guard by his answer, but are so thankful you have the kind of man that will be honest with you and just move on! Imagine how hurt you'd feel if he never confided in you!

1 mom found this helpful

I think you should talk to him and ask him to clarify exactly what he means. There is a very big difference between a man (or a woman for that matter) who looks at someone of the opposite sex and thinks "Wow, they're really hot/sexy/attractive" and "Wow, they're really hot, etc.., I WISH I could have sex with them." I am fully aware that my husband looks at other women, whether they be celebrities or someone on the street. I, too, look at men and judge whether or not they are attractive. The difference is that neither my husband nor I look at these people and ever consider the possibility of having sex with them. I would be lying if I said I never once "wondered" what sex with someone other than my husband would be like after all this time and I'm sure he has "wondered" the same thing, this is strictly normal, human, idle curiosity. But all this wondering and appreciation of an attractive member of the opposite sex is very different from WISHING or WANTING to be with someone else. (is all this making sense so far?)

That being said, I have to wonder if your husband actually meant that he (and all men!) want to cheat on their wives. I really don't think this is the case. I know it is not in mine and if it was in EVERY marriage there would be an even higher rate of divorce. I'm just thinking that maybe he is being too general in his statement. Is it possible that he might be generalizing his thoughts? Maybe it's more that he, too, has "wondered" about sex with someone else. If that is all it is, then I wouldn't worry. However, if he really does have the desire to cheat, I would definitely be concerned. And if that is the case, maybe you need to talk to him about the possibility of counseling. Just because someone has the desire to cheat doesn't mean they will, but it definitely opens up a much grayer area than men and women already have to deal with when it comes to extra-marital sex.

Bottom line - if it makes you uncomfortable it could end up ruining your marriage in the end, whether he ever acts on it or not, and you should do something about it NOW rather than later. Good Luck and I hope you find some answers that you are comfortable with!

1 mom found this helpful

You are completely over reacting.

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