Lopsided Family Representation

I have one relative and all my husband's huge family. I feel the same way sometimes. I was sick enough to be hospitalized this holiday so I stayed at home and gave myself a break. It worked out great because I just relaxed. Can you take a break?

Just a few questions to ask yourself as you re-read your own post and how you worded it:

Why refer to "his family" and "his family events"? Is his family not also your family? Is there any reason why you look on your "own" biological family as "real family" when the people related to your husband are his family but somehow not yours?

Do you feel invisible and lonely because of how they treat you, or because you enter these events already feeling that way? Do they converse with you, include you, or not? If they are trying to include you -- Is it possible that you bring the loneliness along with you when you arrive, because your mind is on your "own" family far away so you're not really engaging with "his" family?

I am not laying blame! I'm just trying to show that if his family does not feel like your own family -- you could be asking yourself why that is and whether it's because of their treatment of you or because you have erected any walls between you since they're not "your" family.

I understand the feeling and i used to feel that way a bit when we first married, but my husband's relatives are my family as much as my own blood relatives. We marry whole families, not just individuals. Is his family doing things that make you feel so excluded, or is the loneliness because you miss your sister? Those are two very different things to deal with and I hope you don't let missing your sister affect your ability to bond with and enjoy the rest of your family -- the one you married into.

If they are somehow excluding you, intentionally or perhaps totally unintentionally, that's different and requires you to figure out what's up.

Not sure what you mean by "risked looking bad for my 2-year-old.". If you feel they wanted to see your child and would have been upset, that's ok but your hubby can take her to things. If you believe that your 2 yr old is in some way capable of judging you or learning a bad lesson from you needing a break over the holiday, then you MUST take a break and step back because that is a very unrealistic perception and harsh self judgement. Leigh R has some really good points. And do your best not to let your unemployed status cause you to judge yourself harshly. I've been there. Your job is not you.

Laurie A is right. (She gives great advice regularly!)

Here's the thing, ES. It's only you who feels that things are lopsided. Your husband's family isn't thinking about the fact that you don't get to see your family. They are living in a "vacuum" of a sort where this is concerned, so it's really only you who are feeling like a fish out of water.

If you feel overwhelmed, send your 2 year old with your husband to his family's activities. Take some time for yourself. While you have a quiet time at home, call on the phone or Skype your family and talk to them. That will help you feel better.

Here's to a better year for you, and a job, especially one that you like.

Dawn

Sorry that you couldn't see your family this holiday season. I do think others are right in stating it is okay for you to take a break from every family engagement. You need to talk with your husband and see what he is comfortable with.

My family is pretty large and local. I see them all the time. My husband gets along well with them, but sometimes he would prefer alone time and he opts to miss out on some family events. He doesn't do it all the time, so I don't think my family has ever thought anything of it.

Some of my husband's family is local and we see them fairly frequently. However, sometimes I have other plans. If my husband still thinks it is important to go, we will go by himself or with one/both of our children (depending on what my plans are).

I would talk to DH about how you do love his family, but you miss your sister and your family, too. It is possible to be lonely in a crowd sometimes. I would ask him to sit with you and see if there's a way for you to see more of your family, understanding that right now money is tight.

I would also dial up my sister on Skype. Have a standing family visit where the kids can see each other. It is not the same, but it does help. That's how we kept in touch with SS and how DD didn't forget her big brother when she was small and he was far away.

And ask DH to help you simply take time for you - whatever form it is needed. I need to recharge more than my DH myself and sometimes I just need him to take DD in the AM on a weekend so I can sleep. Let him know how you feel and work together.

When you say "risked looking bad", what do you mean? Sometimes everybody needs a break and if we don't take care of ourselves, we are not good parents.

You do not have to attend everything and/ or stay the whole time.. it is nice sometimes to have some down time.. by yourself.. Let your husband take your daughter.. or the 3 of you carve out some alone time..

I have a big family, but they're all over the place. So none of us get together for the holidays. My mom lives an hour away.

My husband has a big family, and they're pretty close by (a couple of hours away). So we visit them.

They are incredibly awesome people. They pretty much adopted me in as soon as we announced our engagement. I love them.

Yes, I do still occasionally mourn for the rest of my family...but I will tell you, not having the "we have to drive all over the country to see everyone" part of the holidays is WONDERFUL.

i wonder how long you've been married....just curious. it sounds like this is something you haven't accustomed yourself to yet.

when i first was with my husband i lived 1000 miles away from any family of my own. i was awkward, uncomfortable, and shy.

luckily my inlaws were very sweet and welcomed me. i still felt very alone and weird about it all. i'm not a very social person at all.

i lived down there for 3+ years, and towards the end it was starting to feel more "normal"- now we live near my family instead, and i really miss his.

you adjust. you adapt. you do the best you can with what you've got. after you've been together awhile (or have been in this situation awhile) you will realize that it's not the amount of time you spend with someone, it's the bond. there is email, phone, facebook, and visits. and you have him (and your 2 year old) and THAT is your #1 priority now anyway. it's a process...i think we all go through it as we mature and start our own family.

besides, just think how much MORE crazy it would have been, with 2-3 more christmases on top of your 4!