Follow up to Lopsided Holidays

Five events i one day is just too much. I would not have asked about sitting one out, I would have just outright told him I was going to do that. Like you said, who cares how it looks and personally I wouldn't care whether hubby liked the idea or not. He's my hubby, not my parent.

Well this year my SIL said this might be the last year they will host Christmas. Inside I was so happy! We are all older and Florida is where they want to all retire! I cannot wait to just spend Christmas at home. For 13 years I been traveling to thier home, no one else was could have it but them, they claimed xmass.
So what do I have to say to this.. BYE ....SEE YA !!!!

I am sorry, but I do not ask my husband for permission. I just inform him.. I also encourage him to go on if he wants. I also never force him to join my family either.. Many times, our daughter and I go to things alone.. and many times, my husband and our daughter go to events alone.. Not a big deal..

FYI, We have been married over 31 years.. We have a good honest marriage and we understand that there are times, when we just need some time to ourselves and there are no "Rules" about having to participate in every event and no rule about couples having to attend every event together.

Stable marriages include couples that do not care what anyone else thinks.. It is a marriage based on what the two people married to each other need.

If he really cannot understand, I suggest marriage counseling.. It taught us how to communicate, how to be our own people and how to be a healthy couple. It will help you for the long road ahead..

i'm a little horrified at your husband. mine knows how much i need alone time to recharge and kind of runs interference for me so i can get it when i'm emotionally depleted.
you are going to have to take a stand and take care of yourself. i'd be a prickly, spiky, demon-eyed disaster if i had to maintain your holiday schedule.
put your foot down. give your husband the stink-eye and tell him you expect his support.
khairete
S.

I'm sorry he feels that way about it.
In my marriage, we discuss these kinds of things. And if either of us wants to skip something, we discuss it, and why. Pros and cons, etc. But if I really didn't want to do something, we wouldn't do it. Not even just ME not do it, but WE wouldn't do it.
For Christmas, my SIL invited us to dinner with them 75 minutes away. Not a big deal, but we get up, open gifts, eat breakfast/have coffee, showers, then go to church. No time to play with anything or do anything with any of the gifts, an really not even time to clean up the mess from opening things. Our daughter played the organ to provide the music for the service. It was at 10:30 and it was pushing noon when we got back home afterwards, as I knew it would be. I did NOT want to jump right back into the car to drive to SIL's for a 1:00 or 2:00 meal. And I said as much.
Husband was okay with us just not going at all, if that is what I wanted. But I like my SIL and didn't mind going, but I wanted to breathe beforehand. She offered to move dinner back to 5:00, and we then agreed that 4:00 would be fine too. That's what we did. But if I had not wanted to go, we all would have just stayed home. Not because I am bossy or demanding about things like that, but because my husband and I are a team. We do what is good for our family. None of us wanted to be in a rush after leaving the joyful Christmas morning service.

So, I came home, and baked a pie and put together a side dish to take with us. And we loaded up and drove down. Had a nice time/visit. Glad we went.
We completely skipped out of town (overnight) travel to visit other family this year. We talked about it. But just didn't want to do it this year. So we didn't. Nobody is mad at us about it, either.

Maybe instead of you getting your husband's opinion of YOU sitting out one event, you pose the idea of ALL of you sitting out an event or two. It sounds like it is just too much. Some people thrive in the hustle/bustle craziness of running everywhere for everything. Some people don't. Maybe next year, discuss in advance how many activities you think you are "game" for, and then as the invitations roll in, you know what your limit is (and so does your husband).

I wouldn't make a big deal about it now. It's water under the bridge. But NEXT YEAR, I would get out in front of this, and discuss in advance that you don't want to be so busy, so you can share that knowledge with the rest of the family and they won't be expecting you at EVERY.THING. It sounds like some of your husband's siblings have already made that decision.

There is a reason the other daughters in laws have decided not to show up.
They have made that decision for themselves. When people aren't considered in a reasonable mannor then they start making decisions for themselves. It doesn't mater if you sit there or go to Walmart, you are taking time away from holiday pressures that are draining you. Talk to your sister in laws and ask their "secret".

Your H has a pretty emeshed, traditional family. He seems a pretty good guy from your other posts with sharing child care. You depend on your mil for child care. Those are benifits of this kind of family. You have to find a reasonable ballance of benefits and obligations. Good luck.

Say tough luck and do what you need to do for yourself. Ask him how many of your family functions he went to. Answer is zero. Say even without going to this one, I will have attended four. Four vs zero and you think I'm unreasonable? Well, go ahead and think that. I'm staying home.

Interesting. I read the other post too. I felt that you were pining for your "own" family rather than making his relatives your family too, but his response as you convey it here is very.... telliing.

And worrying.

If he reacts like this to what is really a very simple thing -- wife wants to sit out ONE of FIVE events -- then how is he going to react to other issues through the years?

What will he say someday when you tell him that due to your (and HIS) child's event (sports final, dance recital, school play, whatever), you and he need to miss some event in his family? Is he going to go and cheer on his child, or grump and complain that you should all be somewhere else -- with his side of the family? What will he be like when you schedule a vacation and then he discovers that some family member has planned something else and you'd miss it for your family vacation? What will happen when you do finally go see your sister -- will he make your life hell for spending the money to go, for leaving him with the kids, or for taking the kids, etc.? Or will he back you up and support you and be happy for you?

Why does he jump straight to "you'd just go to Wal-Mart"? Is that some kind of issue between you and if so --why is he bringing it up like this? (That's not "fair fighting" and it sure isn't a discussion, just a jab at you.)

What does he mean by "looking bad" in front of his relatives? Did you mention to him that other SILs in the family do not attend every event and did you ask him, "To you, do THEY 'look bad' for doing it? Why? What is with 'looking bad' and what exactly does that mean to you? Do your parents get on your case if they think we are not there for every single moment of every single event?" (If they do, he needs to man up and say his own nuclear family is equally important.)

One other person who posted on your other question noted that she felt maybe you and he had not been married very long. I tend to agree, based on that post and this one. If his comments were just tossed off and not usual for him, you can forget them, BUT if they are red flags to you -- if he is usually this dismissive of what you ask, and if he is always putting his larger family events first -- then you and he should get some counseling on how to communicate and how to compromise, or your marriage is going to be rocky.

It is reasonable for you to sit out one event. I suggest that next time, you calmly say you're staying home and then don't respond to your husband's comments. You know you need the time. Take care of yourself.

I suggest that you read about a process of communication called non-violent communication. It is a way of talking that allows both people to feel heard and get their needs met. Here is a web site describing it. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

It may be that your husband isn't able to be empathic to others feelings and needs. But it's also likely that when worded a different way while also considering his feelings and needs he will be able to be more in tune with you.

Your husband may not ever understand or empathize how you feel about this. Nevertheless, go ahead and do what you need to do, with or without his understanding or even blessing.
Last year, we traveled 2 hours away to stay with my husband's family, multiple times in the fall and winter. I LOVE his family and enjoy our get togethers, however, it is also a huge stress for me to get everything ready to go out of town, and often when we stay with his family, he spends most of the time with his brother while I handle the kids and assist his mom with meals and clean up- not fair. I decided to sit Christmas Eve out last year and he took the kids by his self. He did not understand, but I got the rest I needed and his family DID understand. They were happy to see the kids and besides, I had just barely seen them 2 weeks before that and then again at Thanksgiving. So it sounds like a similar situation and I am glad that I bowed out when I needed to instead of going along and being cranky!

I can't believe he doesn't understand that you would miss your family over the holidays. He doesn't sound very loving or caring at all :(
As a grown woman you are free to make your own choices and you NEED to take care of yourself. You should never feel obligated to do something just because your husband expects it. In a healthy marriage both parties understand each other's needs and try to give each other what they need.
I agree with Suz T, next time you need a break, take it! And if he doesn't like it, do exactly what she said: give him the stink eye and tell him you EXPECT his support.

It's always rough when one is alone and our spouse has lots of family. I think it's something you should discuss before the actual holiday arrives. Perhaps you can address it now for next year. He probably was not open to discussing it because you brought it up last minute. You also cannot whine about it or present the issue while you are feeling defeated and lonely. Spell it out for him intelligently, address him intelligently and with logic and state that you would prefer to sit gathering # 5 and #7 out and why. EXAMPLE: Honey, I'm really exhausted, would you mind terribly if I didn't go to gathering number 5. I'd really just like to stay home and recharge. Do not compare yourself to the other DIL's as you are not them and perhaps he has different expectations of you. Perhaps he catagorizes you as better than them. Pick your battles wisely my dear and remember....you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. I know that althoough we discuss everything, sometimes if I really need to unwind and do not want to argue, I will pull out the "sick" card. I'm not feeling well love, I think it's best I stay home, is that ok? You kind of have to take the temperture on those things with your hubby as you know him best.

My honest thoughts are that this is once a year. He feels strongly that you should go to family activities. His family is your family too. Whether you want that or not.

Just because you are a daughter in law or some sort of "sub standard" rated relative you are your hubby's family and therefor his family is now your family too. It seems like you don't want them to be your family too.

I would go, even if I was dragging hiney because it's important to him and because it's family.

If you are really missing your family this much then ask them to help you come up with the money to take a family vacation. I don't know for sure where your family is but surely you and hubby and kids could find a way to drive there and spend some time with everyone at least once every other year. I know how hard it is. My BFF is one of those that was raised where they didn't spend the night in each others homes. SO if we go visit her we can expect to stay in a hotel. My ex doesn't even turn us away if we go to the town he and his wife live in. They offer us their extra bedroom. My EX for goodness sakes.

So surely you could stay with friends or family once you got to the home area. That would save you a ton of money, you'd really only be out the cost of gasoline and hotels on the road.

But back to the question, I would go. Then I would rest after it was all over.

Have all of your husbands family been at all the other gatherings? If so what ever, it is ok for you to miss one event. Its ok to miss one event anyway. Your husband is beening unrealistic to expect you to atend so many events.

I would LOVE to attend five family Christmas gatherings! My husbands family doesn't have ANY Christmas gatherings. The only family gathering we have over the holidays is at my brothers. I make the best of the holidays, and plan lots of activities for my immediate family, and gatherings with friends, but I do wish there were more family events.

I understand how you feel... I have the same issue each year. My husband has step parents and we have my parents who are divorced a so that alone is 4 houses there and our kids need to be able to enjoy the holiday some of the time instead of traveling all over town the entire day because it is draining!! WHen I mention this to him, he acts as though it's no big deal. I say go ahead and I will stay home and he says it makes it look like something is wrong and that is what people will think if he comes alone. I said just tell them I am tired but his family on one side always assumes that if I don't make it to something that he doesn't come because of me... I just give up.